blog: A saga in emails.
As most of you know, I'm not very close, in any meaningful way, to most of my family. My parents and I have a close relationship with an agree-to-disagree/don't-talk-about-it slant, which is less than ideal but seems to suit everyone just fine. When it comes to my extended family, the one relative I consider myself genuinely close to, who I feel like I can have real conversations with, is my Aunt C. She is a kind, compassionate woman with a wonderful sense of humor and a great heart.
Last week, I received the following forward from the email account she shares with her husband:
FW: Fence Sitter
THE FENCE
You can’t get any more accurate than this!
Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.. A Liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
Well, I forwarded it.
Being that I am liberal, support gun control, vegetarian, homosexual, non-Christian,have recently had employment trouble, and will soon be off my parents' health insurance, I found this a hurtful. Not being one to let such things pass without comment, I sent the following email in response:
I would like to point out that your niece, who loves and respects you, is a vegetarian, unemployed, homosexual, non-Christian liberal. I can't express how much it upsets me to even imagine that you think these descriptions could apply to me, and, even if you don't, I'm hurt that you would be so dismissive of my identity and opinions as to spread this kind of rhetoric without a second thought. Please bear this in mind the next time you consider forwarding divisively partisan emails. At the very least, please leave me off the mailing list. I don't appreciate being mocked by my family.
To be fair, however, I do demand legislated respect, because that is the right of all people living in a republic.
I expected, at best, an apology or "Sorry you were offended" (which is not an apology) in reply. At worst, no reply at all. A few days later, however, I received this:
Subject: Please read!
Jordan,
It has taken me a few days to reply to your email because I did not want to reply in anger. I did not send you that email and G did not realize he had sent it to you either, so imagine my surprise to get your attack. I would never do anything to purposely cause you hurt and i had expected the same from you. Rest assured that you will not accidently be offended by an email from us again as you requested we will remove you from our list. If you wish I will also remove you from my facebook because I sometimes post conservative or Christian view points and I would not want you to be offended.
For your information I have never thoght of you as a LABEL you have always been a niece whom I love dearly.
Respect cannot be legislated it has to be earned.
Aunt C
I didn't respond immediately. I was baffled and upset by her response, and I could think of no reply that would not be defensive or reactionary, which would only make the situation worse. After thinking on it, discussing the matter with Roommate A and BLE, and losing a bit of sleep, I sent the following email, today:
Aunt C,
Of course I don't want you to defriend me. I love you, and I want to
hear about your life and your thoughts. I'm even interested in hearing
your opinions, which you are, obviously, free to voice in whatever
venue and in whoever's hearing you choose. I may not agree with them,
but I respect them. My previous email was not intended, in any way, as
an attack. I took great care to express my feelings calmly and
clearly, and I'm truly sorry that you found it hurtful.
My problem with the initial email was not that it expressed views with
which I disagree, but that it did so by mocking and denigrating the
views of others. Specifically, it mocked views and beliefs which are
very deeply personal to me, and I - understandably, I think - was hurt
by that.
In honesty, I greatly admire you for your convictions and your
willingness to express them. I believe that ideas, no matter whose
they are, should be voiced and discussed at every possible
opportunity, and things like email and Facebook make this possible
every moment of the day. I also believe, in the interest of preventing
misunderstandings and hurt feelings, that those ideas should be voiced
carefully, thoughtfully, and without tearing down the opinions of
others. I hope that, as the genuinely kind and considerate person that
I know you to be, this is one belief we can agree on.
I would never, under any circumstances, ask you to censor yourself or
to refrain from expressing your thoughts for fear of offense or
reprisal. For me to do so would be the worst kind of hypocrisy. I
would only ask that you, and Uncle G of course, consider the
language of those emails before you click "send".
I am not angry, just a bit vexed.
Love,
Jordan
I'd like your opinions on this, flist, because I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. I don't think I over-reacted, and, while the wording of my initial response is certainly strong, I don't think it reads like an attack. Maybe I'm wrong. Most of all, it hurts that this is coming from someone who, until a few days ago, I would have expected to be understanding and reasonable. I don't know. What do y'all think?
Last week, I received the following forward from the email account she shares with her husband:
FW: Fence Sitter
THE FENCE
You can’t get any more accurate than this!
Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.. A Liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
Well, I forwarded it.
Being that I am liberal, support gun control, vegetarian, homosexual, non-Christian,have recently had employment trouble, and will soon be off my parents' health insurance, I found this a hurtful. Not being one to let such things pass without comment, I sent the following email in response:
I would like to point out that your niece, who loves and respects you, is a vegetarian, unemployed, homosexual, non-Christian liberal. I can't express how much it upsets me to even imagine that you think these descriptions could apply to me, and, even if you don't, I'm hurt that you would be so dismissive of my identity and opinions as to spread this kind of rhetoric without a second thought. Please bear this in mind the next time you consider forwarding divisively partisan emails. At the very least, please leave me off the mailing list. I don't appreciate being mocked by my family.
To be fair, however, I do demand legislated respect, because that is the right of all people living in a republic.
I expected, at best, an apology or "Sorry you were offended" (which is not an apology) in reply. At worst, no reply at all. A few days later, however, I received this:
Subject: Please read!
Jordan,
It has taken me a few days to reply to your email because I did not want to reply in anger. I did not send you that email and G did not realize he had sent it to you either, so imagine my surprise to get your attack. I would never do anything to purposely cause you hurt and i had expected the same from you. Rest assured that you will not accidently be offended by an email from us again as you requested we will remove you from our list. If you wish I will also remove you from my facebook because I sometimes post conservative or Christian view points and I would not want you to be offended.
For your information I have never thoght of you as a LABEL you have always been a niece whom I love dearly.
Respect cannot be legislated it has to be earned.
Aunt C
I didn't respond immediately. I was baffled and upset by her response, and I could think of no reply that would not be defensive or reactionary, which would only make the situation worse. After thinking on it, discussing the matter with Roommate A and BLE, and losing a bit of sleep, I sent the following email, today:
Aunt C,
Of course I don't want you to defriend me. I love you, and I want to
hear about your life and your thoughts. I'm even interested in hearing
your opinions, which you are, obviously, free to voice in whatever
venue and in whoever's hearing you choose. I may not agree with them,
but I respect them. My previous email was not intended, in any way, as
an attack. I took great care to express my feelings calmly and
clearly, and I'm truly sorry that you found it hurtful.
My problem with the initial email was not that it expressed views with
which I disagree, but that it did so by mocking and denigrating the
views of others. Specifically, it mocked views and beliefs which are
very deeply personal to me, and I - understandably, I think - was hurt
by that.
In honesty, I greatly admire you for your convictions and your
willingness to express them. I believe that ideas, no matter whose
they are, should be voiced and discussed at every possible
opportunity, and things like email and Facebook make this possible
every moment of the day. I also believe, in the interest of preventing
misunderstandings and hurt feelings, that those ideas should be voiced
carefully, thoughtfully, and without tearing down the opinions of
others. I hope that, as the genuinely kind and considerate person that
I know you to be, this is one belief we can agree on.
I would never, under any circumstances, ask you to censor yourself or
to refrain from expressing your thoughts for fear of offense or
reprisal. For me to do so would be the worst kind of hypocrisy. I
would only ask that you, and Uncle G of course, consider the
language of those emails before you click "send".
I am not angry, just a bit vexed.
Love,
Jordan
I'd like your opinions on this, flist, because I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. I don't think I over-reacted, and, while the wording of my initial response is certainly strong, I don't think it reads like an attack. Maybe I'm wrong. Most of all, it hurts that this is coming from someone who, until a few days ago, I would have expected to be understanding and reasonable. I don't know. What do y'all think?