Chaos to order, good and bad come into balance.
It's been a long time since I've written in it, but I suppose that's because I only ever used it to vent when I needed to or to say things that I couldn't say to peoples faces. Anonymity is such bliss if the face of cowardice. That's not the case this time, I just feel the need to talk, and since there's no one around to listen to, or more to the point I don't feel like wasting other peoples valueable time with my pointless, meandering rantings about how things are going on in my life, I have the good old livejournal to turn to(TIl I post in it one day and it tells it to STFU you emo bastard...still waiting on that email) Anyway, down to business.
Things are actually beginning to look up for me. My uncle being here has been the greatest relief ever. In the last month of so, I think we've come to an understanding. At first, all he saw was a lazy, worthless bastard who had no life at all, and I think in the time he's spent here, he's realised that just maybe, I'm not as lazy as I appear. Granted, it's not much more, but yeah, I do help out around here. He's been on me a lot lately, he and everyone else, about me getting back into college and getting on with my life, but in all honesty, he's the only one who I feel has actually come down to my level and tried to see things from my purrspective, to understand things from my position. I'm twenty years old, twenty, with a household to take care of, bills to worry about, having to rack my brain about how we are going to be able to keep food on the table through the winter and pay the heating bill so we don't freeze to death when the temperature outside reaches twenty or thirty degrees below zero with a wind chill factor of minus fifty. I shouldn't have to worry about taking care of a twelve year old girl, making sure that she has everything she needs for school, that her needs at home are taken care of as well as discipline at home when necessary. That has been severly lacking since my dad has all but disappeared from our lives, too busy with his internet girlfriends to bother with the family he already has. Oh, but don't ever question him. THe last time I did he threatened to throw me out on the streets, while I was sick and it was raining outside no less. But now that my uncle is here, he's going to stay, as long as he needs to, to let me have the chance to get on with my life, to get everything straightened out and actually get a life started. I'll be here taking care of the house and sister until college starts, and he's going to work, and when college comes, he'll take care of things here, and I'll hit the books hard, and work a part time job at the college. SO, for the first time in my life, I actually have a chance to have alife, and I'm all over it as soon as I can.
As far as life around here goes though, aside from my non-existant father, it's going pretty well. My grandparents were up here from kentucky, and I learned new things to cook, and how to do a bit of canning, so we could can our own food, instead of eating that storebought shit. Country life does have some advantages, at least as far as food goes. We have a healthy stock of jellies and sauces, and I have the knowledge to make more when the time arrives.
I got a few new instruments(Well, new to me, anyway, these things are antiques, very valuable antiques), so I can get back into playing music. I've always enjoyed music, and I love to play, but I gave my sister my clarinet when she started band. However, I got a saxophone from a friend of the family, which I was excited about until I found out that the register key is broken. Unfortunatly, bronze cannot be soldered, so I can't play it until I get a replacement part, if that's even possible. It's a York, and an old one. THis sax is about fifty years old, a really nice one. York, the musical manufacturing company(that means they make musical instruments, not that the staff are oompa loompas), has been out of business for twenty years. Kinda screwed there. But my uncle went to work for someone down the street, and the wife of the guy he's working for picked up a clarinet at a garage sale, really, really cheap. It's a York as well, I suspect, and also quite old. It's made of real wood. The only wood clarinets anymore are either very old, very expensive peices or custom jobs, so I'm quite lucky to have one. However, it needs new corks, which is basic maintainance for a clarinet. In the meantime, I've been learning the keyboard. I was playing with my dads(He doesn't play anything anymore, no interest) little one, and my uncle overheard me, and was absolutely amazed. I think I was playing REO Speedwagon - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight, and he was listening through the door. He was so impressed he showed me where my dads other keyboard was, so I'm playing around with that now. It's a proffesional quality synthesizer, so I can do nearly anything I want with it.
Also, My uncle got a hold of some of the storys I'd started back in high school, and started reading them. Again, he found himself even more impressed with me. He said that my writing style was some of the most amazing he'd read in a long time, so I've picked them up again. It's gonna take a bit of work, but I'm going to finish them, and get them published. Who knows, maybe I can make it as a big name author, ShadowKatt could be world famous? Maybe not, but I might still make a buck or two.
But, the universe exists in a state of balance. For every good thing that happens, something bad must also happen. It just is the way of things. But in reality, for once, it's not really all that bad. I'm quite eager to start my life, now that I have the chance to. But, it has to wait. I have to finish college, and sadly, I won't be able to do that for some time. Right now, I'm looking at a year to a year and a half, a long time, but much purrfered over six to ten years or longer. THen, I can be with Blizz, I hope. Whether she's ready or not, I'm gonna try, but it's going to be a while yet. I need to finish college, and buy my van from my dad, take over the insurance and everything. It's a significant set back, but I have the chance to take charge of my life, I may never get this chance again, I have to do it. Til then though, I'm stuck here alone. THis long alone though, what's one more year.
Also...I've given up on my dreams of ever being female. It's who I am, I can't deny it and don't want to. I want to embrace it, I wish I could, but all the doctors in the world, the best surgical procedures known to mankind, could never make me into a true female. I would never feel the same things, I would never have the same experiences, and I would never be able to do the same things as a real female could. In the end, all I would be doing is shorting myself, taking away what I already have. The only thing that could ever make me the way I was meant to be would be a divine miracle, a magical shooting star, or an imprisoned genie in a mysterious lamp. Somehow, I doubt very much I will ever find any of those things. So, it's been difficult. I've had to break myself, inside, to stop hoping for such things, even though deep down, my heart aches because I want it so much, only to know that what I want just ins't possible. In all honesty, I don't know if I will ever be able to let go of that hope though, but also, on some small level, in a lockbox in a cubical in a small room of a hidden vault inside my heart, I'm actually okay with that. The ache in my heart, although it will never go away, is a small reminder that I want it, that this is me, and even though I will always be this biological reject, this god sent mistake of the human race, I will always know who I am inside.
Part of what's made this so hard has been Blizz. With the very real fact that I will be with her, I've had to face the facts that eventually, I will be there in purrson, and the female part of myself will basicly be unexpressable. Online, I can truely portray myself as the way I wish I could be viewed, strip away the shell and let my mind and heart take true form. In real life though, I can't do that, and I can't change what I am on the outside. I suppose this is a good thing, because I know that Blizz will purrfer me, at least in...a few ways <.< >.> male, but it's not who I really am. But there will be no way for me to express it, no way to show it, and that scares me a bit, and hurts, because I want to just be myself. I've already talked to her about it, and she's fine with me doing whatever I feel comfortable with, so long as it's not wearing a dress out in public, which I'm fine with. I just don't want to lose who I am.
And Blizz has recently started school again, which is a good thing. She seems to be enjoying herself, and I'm glad. She knows what she wants and she's going for it. She wants to get her schooling done, get a job in a vet clinic, and get a place for herself. She's actually doing much, much better for herself than I ever did for myself. Her life is a thousand times better than mine, and I can't help but be a bit envious of her; she has everything I ever wanted out of life. But I don't want her to know that really, because I am really happy for her, and I don't want her to feel badly about it. She deserves everything she has, and she's worked hard for it. Although, lately, she's been so busy that I've hardly seen her at all, and I miss her. THe last time I saw her for any length of time, we spent it talking about the news I had, and getting some stuff straightened out. But, between school, her job, karate, and spending time with her family, she hasn't been around much. And I wish she was, I wish we could spend just one night together, but she's either never around, or much too tired. There's just no room in her schedule at this point in time. I suppose I understand, my situation has me home all the time, normal people actually do things. Still, it's lonely without her, or much anyone else, to talk to.
However, that's pretty much everything that's floating around this empty tuna can I call a head. Might seem like a lot, but it's really not. Still, feels like I've written two or three pages *pulls up MSWORD2K3 and pastes* yup, three and a half pages. Seems I never do anything small, but time to give the fingers a rest. There is one last good thing that's happened, I've been downloading Chobits(It's an anime) and I must say, I haven't been this enthralled in a show since I saw Gravitation. It's a nice escape from the world for twenty or so minutes. I laughed, I cried, I was scared, and I smiled. It's a really powerful anime if you're a romantic like me. WHich I think the next episode is ready, so ShadowKatt is out. Chii!
Things are actually beginning to look up for me. My uncle being here has been the greatest relief ever. In the last month of so, I think we've come to an understanding. At first, all he saw was a lazy, worthless bastard who had no life at all, and I think in the time he's spent here, he's realised that just maybe, I'm not as lazy as I appear. Granted, it's not much more, but yeah, I do help out around here. He's been on me a lot lately, he and everyone else, about me getting back into college and getting on with my life, but in all honesty, he's the only one who I feel has actually come down to my level and tried to see things from my purrspective, to understand things from my position. I'm twenty years old, twenty, with a household to take care of, bills to worry about, having to rack my brain about how we are going to be able to keep food on the table through the winter and pay the heating bill so we don't freeze to death when the temperature outside reaches twenty or thirty degrees below zero with a wind chill factor of minus fifty. I shouldn't have to worry about taking care of a twelve year old girl, making sure that she has everything she needs for school, that her needs at home are taken care of as well as discipline at home when necessary. That has been severly lacking since my dad has all but disappeared from our lives, too busy with his internet girlfriends to bother with the family he already has. Oh, but don't ever question him. THe last time I did he threatened to throw me out on the streets, while I was sick and it was raining outside no less. But now that my uncle is here, he's going to stay, as long as he needs to, to let me have the chance to get on with my life, to get everything straightened out and actually get a life started. I'll be here taking care of the house and sister until college starts, and he's going to work, and when college comes, he'll take care of things here, and I'll hit the books hard, and work a part time job at the college. SO, for the first time in my life, I actually have a chance to have alife, and I'm all over it as soon as I can.
As far as life around here goes though, aside from my non-existant father, it's going pretty well. My grandparents were up here from kentucky, and I learned new things to cook, and how to do a bit of canning, so we could can our own food, instead of eating that storebought shit. Country life does have some advantages, at least as far as food goes. We have a healthy stock of jellies and sauces, and I have the knowledge to make more when the time arrives.
I got a few new instruments(Well, new to me, anyway, these things are antiques, very valuable antiques), so I can get back into playing music. I've always enjoyed music, and I love to play, but I gave my sister my clarinet when she started band. However, I got a saxophone from a friend of the family, which I was excited about until I found out that the register key is broken. Unfortunatly, bronze cannot be soldered, so I can't play it until I get a replacement part, if that's even possible. It's a York, and an old one. THis sax is about fifty years old, a really nice one. York, the musical manufacturing company(that means they make musical instruments, not that the staff are oompa loompas), has been out of business for twenty years. Kinda screwed there. But my uncle went to work for someone down the street, and the wife of the guy he's working for picked up a clarinet at a garage sale, really, really cheap. It's a York as well, I suspect, and also quite old. It's made of real wood. The only wood clarinets anymore are either very old, very expensive peices or custom jobs, so I'm quite lucky to have one. However, it needs new corks, which is basic maintainance for a clarinet. In the meantime, I've been learning the keyboard. I was playing with my dads(He doesn't play anything anymore, no interest) little one, and my uncle overheard me, and was absolutely amazed. I think I was playing REO Speedwagon - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight, and he was listening through the door. He was so impressed he showed me where my dads other keyboard was, so I'm playing around with that now. It's a proffesional quality synthesizer, so I can do nearly anything I want with it.
Also, My uncle got a hold of some of the storys I'd started back in high school, and started reading them. Again, he found himself even more impressed with me. He said that my writing style was some of the most amazing he'd read in a long time, so I've picked them up again. It's gonna take a bit of work, but I'm going to finish them, and get them published. Who knows, maybe I can make it as a big name author, ShadowKatt could be world famous? Maybe not, but I might still make a buck or two.
But, the universe exists in a state of balance. For every good thing that happens, something bad must also happen. It just is the way of things. But in reality, for once, it's not really all that bad. I'm quite eager to start my life, now that I have the chance to. But, it has to wait. I have to finish college, and sadly, I won't be able to do that for some time. Right now, I'm looking at a year to a year and a half, a long time, but much purrfered over six to ten years or longer. THen, I can be with Blizz, I hope. Whether she's ready or not, I'm gonna try, but it's going to be a while yet. I need to finish college, and buy my van from my dad, take over the insurance and everything. It's a significant set back, but I have the chance to take charge of my life, I may never get this chance again, I have to do it. Til then though, I'm stuck here alone. THis long alone though, what's one more year.
Also...I've given up on my dreams of ever being female. It's who I am, I can't deny it and don't want to. I want to embrace it, I wish I could, but all the doctors in the world, the best surgical procedures known to mankind, could never make me into a true female. I would never feel the same things, I would never have the same experiences, and I would never be able to do the same things as a real female could. In the end, all I would be doing is shorting myself, taking away what I already have. The only thing that could ever make me the way I was meant to be would be a divine miracle, a magical shooting star, or an imprisoned genie in a mysterious lamp. Somehow, I doubt very much I will ever find any of those things. So, it's been difficult. I've had to break myself, inside, to stop hoping for such things, even though deep down, my heart aches because I want it so much, only to know that what I want just ins't possible. In all honesty, I don't know if I will ever be able to let go of that hope though, but also, on some small level, in a lockbox in a cubical in a small room of a hidden vault inside my heart, I'm actually okay with that. The ache in my heart, although it will never go away, is a small reminder that I want it, that this is me, and even though I will always be this biological reject, this god sent mistake of the human race, I will always know who I am inside.
Part of what's made this so hard has been Blizz. With the very real fact that I will be with her, I've had to face the facts that eventually, I will be there in purrson, and the female part of myself will basicly be unexpressable. Online, I can truely portray myself as the way I wish I could be viewed, strip away the shell and let my mind and heart take true form. In real life though, I can't do that, and I can't change what I am on the outside. I suppose this is a good thing, because I know that Blizz will purrfer me, at least in...a few ways <.< >.> male, but it's not who I really am. But there will be no way for me to express it, no way to show it, and that scares me a bit, and hurts, because I want to just be myself. I've already talked to her about it, and she's fine with me doing whatever I feel comfortable with, so long as it's not wearing a dress out in public, which I'm fine with. I just don't want to lose who I am.
And Blizz has recently started school again, which is a good thing. She seems to be enjoying herself, and I'm glad. She knows what she wants and she's going for it. She wants to get her schooling done, get a job in a vet clinic, and get a place for herself. She's actually doing much, much better for herself than I ever did for myself. Her life is a thousand times better than mine, and I can't help but be a bit envious of her; she has everything I ever wanted out of life. But I don't want her to know that really, because I am really happy for her, and I don't want her to feel badly about it. She deserves everything she has, and she's worked hard for it. Although, lately, she's been so busy that I've hardly seen her at all, and I miss her. THe last time I saw her for any length of time, we spent it talking about the news I had, and getting some stuff straightened out. But, between school, her job, karate, and spending time with her family, she hasn't been around much. And I wish she was, I wish we could spend just one night together, but she's either never around, or much too tired. There's just no room in her schedule at this point in time. I suppose I understand, my situation has me home all the time, normal people actually do things. Still, it's lonely without her, or much anyone else, to talk to.
However, that's pretty much everything that's floating around this empty tuna can I call a head. Might seem like a lot, but it's really not. Still, feels like I've written two or three pages *pulls up MSWORD2K3 and pastes* yup, three and a half pages. Seems I never do anything small, but time to give the fingers a rest. There is one last good thing that's happened, I've been downloading Chobits(It's an anime) and I must say, I haven't been this enthralled in a show since I saw Gravitation. It's a nice escape from the world for twenty or so minutes. I laughed, I cried, I was scared, and I smiled. It's a really powerful anime if you're a romantic like me. WHich I think the next episode is ready, so ShadowKatt is out. Chii!