awkward moments
I was talking to Joey today and reminiscing on our high school days (pfft. that wasn't that long ago) and I don't know if I miss it as much as I used to. The work was most definitely easier...sort of, but I think I missed it the most because I had already familiarized myself with it.
I went to a different middle school than everyone else, so I got the chance to meet new fresh faces. And boy, did I. I guess thats what I should expect from college. Embrace it and welcome new people into my life, but still cherish the old ones. I hate losing touch with people, and I've tried my hardest...No scratch that. I've tried to stay in touch with my old friends from elementary and middle school, but we're just not on the same page anymore, ya know? It makes me feel kind of desolate and sad, I suppose.
I remember my mother telling me after high school, during the summer, "Shanell, you'll drift. Watch." At the moment, it wasn't something I wanted to hear, and I screamed, "No! Never! You'll see! We'll be friends forever." Sounds extremely naive when I recount it, but at them moment, I honestly and truly believed it. Senior year, we were all so close. We finally let go of our worries, well I did at least. I wasn't afraid of telling people how I felt, whether it was good or bad. I just wanted them to hear it so I wouldn't regret not telling them later on. I even rekindled an old friendship that I ended over a stupid boy. I apologized and sent him a valentine. He called later on and told me he'd never gotten one, well, "never like this." That's one of those moments you remember for the rest of your life. Not because, "I feel good about myself because I did a good deed." No, I lie. It did feel good. But not because it was a good deed, but because it haunted me every time I saw him in the hallway and felt tension or everytime I thought about the situation. Now that the fear of that wasn't hanging over my head anymore, I felt liberated. Like when you tell someone you've lied, and even though it sucks, you feel good because you don't have to worry about how guilty you feel about it. That's my mind for ya. I haven't spoken to him since, but I wonder about how he's doing sometimes. I guess I didn't rekindle it after all...
I've completely drifted off the topic that I wanted to write about..
Well, as I was having this conversation with Joey/leaving a comment and worrying about how the other person might think about it...I thought to myself, "Why do I care AT TIMES what people think?" I mean, it's normal to wonder, but back then...it was horrible. I still think to myself if someone doesn't like me, "Why? What did I do? You don't even know me all that well. Why are you making preconceived misconceptions about me?" Now it's gone to the furthest, lowest notch and now all I can do is laugh at it. I remember a time when I said to a classmate, "Something reminded me of you the other day" and I told her. And when she asked me where it was that I saw it, I replied hesitantly, "On this show I watch online." At the moment, it was the most awkward, teenage scene you've never seen. In reality, was it REALLY that odd? Internet is 100 times more convenient than the TV. Anyone can easily prove that the internet is a much more useful way of watching television. I mean, it has all the shows you want to watch, whenever you want it.
But the look she gave me.
That look that said, "You're a freak."
Senior year. The year where I finally found my place. Where I knew how I wanted to be in the future. And there I was, feeling like I was back in elementary school being teased all over again. It's a terrible feeling. Whatever.
I still feel awkward around people I'm not too familiar with..and even with some people that I am. It's odd.
I don't know.
I went to a different middle school than everyone else, so I got the chance to meet new fresh faces. And boy, did I. I guess thats what I should expect from college. Embrace it and welcome new people into my life, but still cherish the old ones. I hate losing touch with people, and I've tried my hardest...No scratch that. I've tried to stay in touch with my old friends from elementary and middle school, but we're just not on the same page anymore, ya know? It makes me feel kind of desolate and sad, I suppose.
I remember my mother telling me after high school, during the summer, "Shanell, you'll drift. Watch." At the moment, it wasn't something I wanted to hear, and I screamed, "No! Never! You'll see! We'll be friends forever." Sounds extremely naive when I recount it, but at them moment, I honestly and truly believed it. Senior year, we were all so close. We finally let go of our worries, well I did at least. I wasn't afraid of telling people how I felt, whether it was good or bad. I just wanted them to hear it so I wouldn't regret not telling them later on. I even rekindled an old friendship that I ended over a stupid boy. I apologized and sent him a valentine. He called later on and told me he'd never gotten one, well, "never like this." That's one of those moments you remember for the rest of your life. Not because, "I feel good about myself because I did a good deed." No, I lie. It did feel good. But not because it was a good deed, but because it haunted me every time I saw him in the hallway and felt tension or everytime I thought about the situation. Now that the fear of that wasn't hanging over my head anymore, I felt liberated. Like when you tell someone you've lied, and even though it sucks, you feel good because you don't have to worry about how guilty you feel about it. That's my mind for ya. I haven't spoken to him since, but I wonder about how he's doing sometimes. I guess I didn't rekindle it after all...
I've completely drifted off the topic that I wanted to write about..
Well, as I was having this conversation with Joey/leaving a comment and worrying about how the other person might think about it...I thought to myself, "Why do I care AT TIMES what people think?" I mean, it's normal to wonder, but back then...it was horrible. I still think to myself if someone doesn't like me, "Why? What did I do? You don't even know me all that well. Why are you making preconceived misconceptions about me?" Now it's gone to the furthest, lowest notch and now all I can do is laugh at it. I remember a time when I said to a classmate, "Something reminded me of you the other day" and I told her. And when she asked me where it was that I saw it, I replied hesitantly, "On this show I watch online." At the moment, it was the most awkward, teenage scene you've never seen. In reality, was it REALLY that odd? Internet is 100 times more convenient than the TV. Anyone can easily prove that the internet is a much more useful way of watching television. I mean, it has all the shows you want to watch, whenever you want it.
But the look she gave me.
That look that said, "You're a freak."
Senior year. The year where I finally found my place. Where I knew how I wanted to be in the future. And there I was, feeling like I was back in elementary school being teased all over again. It's a terrible feeling. Whatever.
I still feel awkward around people I'm not too familiar with..and even with some people that I am. It's odd.
I don't know.