Let's go Hunting!
I have spent the morning hunting. My quarry is elusive and cunning, and a master of camouflage. Many times I think that I have finally stumbled across my prey only to find that I have been tricked by an errant speaker wire or a discarded bootlace.
There's a colony of the beasts somewhere in my office - I can feel it. Occasionally I have brought a single specimen here myself, having been lulled into complacency by false optimism. The moment I take my eyes off the creature - the very second that I foolishly free it from its follicle bonds, the beast is off like a rocket; joining its brethren in the dark recesses of the office.
I know they're all still here somewhere. While quick and elusive, the North American Hair Tie never ventures far.
The North American Hair Tie is a varied and prolific animal, coming in a vast array of different breeds and temperaments. Many of them sport colorful plumage, which they use to attract mates.
The species you see here often lives in the bedrooms of pre-teen female humans. They subsist on a steady diet of Barbie Doll clothing. This explains the common phenomenon of why, when left unattended in a small girl's room, a Barbie Doll will get stripped naked so fast you'd swear there was a swarm of voyeuristic piranha.
The lifespan of this breed is not terribly long. Often, a colony will dwindle to extinction by the time the human host reaches High School age.
Another common breed of Hair Tie is the Neon-Ridge Scrunchie. Scientists know it by its Latin name; 'Elasticus Claire' after the region in which explorers first encountered the breed.
While larger than most Hair Tie breeds, the Neon-Ridge Scrunchie is easy prey to track down; its size and bright plumage making it difficult to hide. This breed is highly aggressive, and has been known to actively drive out smaller Hair Tie colonies from their native habitats. I have found to my disappointment that many times when I am tracking smaller Hair Ties, they are suddenly absent from their usual environment, having been replaced by two or three Neon-Ridged Scrunchies.
Just look at that smug bastard.
The Neon-Ridged Scrunchie subsists on a steady diet of glitter lip gloss and, in times of famine, sunglasses.
But I'm not searching for these common breeds. I'm looking for the most elusive Hair Tie of all - the Black Slinkback Hairwinder:
THAT'S how friggin' elusive it is.
Slender as a string and black as night, the Slinkback Hairwinder is a master of hiding itself. They can squeeze into the tiniest space and slip through the slightest crack. They are impossible to domesticate, and even harder to contain.
As nobody has been able to keep a Slinkback Hairwinder in captivity for more than a week or so, biologists are utterly baffled as to what they might eat. Making a cursory hypothesis based on similar breeds, I have strewn Barbie Doll clothes and sunglasses all across my office. I have also stripped down to the waist and covered myself in glittery lip gloss in an effort to engage the Slinkback in physical combat.
My boss wasn't wild about that, but what the hell - it's all in the name of science.
I expect that I will be successful in the end - all it takes is patience and diligence. I know you all wait in anticipation of my findings. Worry not, my readers. When my work is complete, my research papers will be published for all the world to see.
Discovery Channel? I'm waiting for your phone call any second now.
There's a colony of the beasts somewhere in my office - I can feel it. Occasionally I have brought a single specimen here myself, having been lulled into complacency by false optimism. The moment I take my eyes off the creature - the very second that I foolishly free it from its follicle bonds, the beast is off like a rocket; joining its brethren in the dark recesses of the office.
I know they're all still here somewhere. While quick and elusive, the North American Hair Tie never ventures far.
The North American Hair Tie is a varied and prolific animal, coming in a vast array of different breeds and temperaments. Many of them sport colorful plumage, which they use to attract mates.
The species you see here often lives in the bedrooms of pre-teen female humans. They subsist on a steady diet of Barbie Doll clothing. This explains the common phenomenon of why, when left unattended in a small girl's room, a Barbie Doll will get stripped naked so fast you'd swear there was a swarm of voyeuristic piranha.
The lifespan of this breed is not terribly long. Often, a colony will dwindle to extinction by the time the human host reaches High School age.
Another common breed of Hair Tie is the Neon-Ridge Scrunchie. Scientists know it by its Latin name; 'Elasticus Claire' after the region in which explorers first encountered the breed.
While larger than most Hair Tie breeds, the Neon-Ridge Scrunchie is easy prey to track down; its size and bright plumage making it difficult to hide. This breed is highly aggressive, and has been known to actively drive out smaller Hair Tie colonies from their native habitats. I have found to my disappointment that many times when I am tracking smaller Hair Ties, they are suddenly absent from their usual environment, having been replaced by two or three Neon-Ridged Scrunchies.
Just look at that smug bastard.
The Neon-Ridged Scrunchie subsists on a steady diet of glitter lip gloss and, in times of famine, sunglasses.
But I'm not searching for these common breeds. I'm looking for the most elusive Hair Tie of all - the Black Slinkback Hairwinder:
THAT'S how friggin' elusive it is.
Slender as a string and black as night, the Slinkback Hairwinder is a master of hiding itself. They can squeeze into the tiniest space and slip through the slightest crack. They are impossible to domesticate, and even harder to contain.
As nobody has been able to keep a Slinkback Hairwinder in captivity for more than a week or so, biologists are utterly baffled as to what they might eat. Making a cursory hypothesis based on similar breeds, I have strewn Barbie Doll clothes and sunglasses all across my office. I have also stripped down to the waist and covered myself in glittery lip gloss in an effort to engage the Slinkback in physical combat.
My boss wasn't wild about that, but what the hell - it's all in the name of science.
I expect that I will be successful in the end - all it takes is patience and diligence. I know you all wait in anticipation of my findings. Worry not, my readers. When my work is complete, my research papers will be published for all the world to see.
Discovery Channel? I'm waiting for your phone call any second now.