The Ho-Yay Paradox [fic]
Title: The Ho-Yay Paradox
Author: shadowbyrd
Rating: PG - 13
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Word Count: 3164
Pairing: Leonard/Raj
Summary: Nothing happened, okay? NOTHING!
Leonard woke up with a pounding headache, a gaping hole in his memory and a warm body next to him. He had a minute to feel smug about getting lucky before he opened his eyes and found himself face to face with a sleepy looking Raj.
Leonard yelled and jumped to his feet. Raj grabbed the headboard to keep from tipping over the edge. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“What am I - this is my bed!” Leonard yelled “What the hell are you doing here? At six in the morning! Naked!”
“Okay, okay, let’s just calm down,” said Leonard, raising his hands. “If we put on pants, go over what happened last night, I’m sure we can figure out what led us...here.” He glanced away as he finished the sentence and slid out of bed.
“We should put underwear on too.” Raj decided.
Leonard paused in pulling his shorts on. “I figured that was a given.”
After acquiring a t-shirt and tossing Raj his underclothes Leonard began to pace, trying in vain to massage away the sharp stabbing pain behind his eyes. “I think it goes without saying we must have been drunk -”
“No way, dude!” said Raj, standing up a little too quickly for Leonard’s liking. “I’m a confident drunk! I’d have been able to talk to all the women at the party - I’d have had my pick!”
“And you did,” said Leonard, checking behind his hand to see if Raj was decent yet. “Except you’re also an obnoxious drunk.”
“Apparently not obnoxious enough to you,” said Raj. He glanced around. “Where’s Howard to say “oh snap” when I need him?”
Leonard cleared his throat “ - and we must have decided to keep you here, because there’s no way we’d let you drive drunk.”
Raj nodded. “Makes sense, after all people don’t go in Sheldon’s room - but what about the couch?”
Leonard frowned. “I thought Wolowitz had the couch?”
Raj shrugged and made for the door at the same time as Leonard. Realising this, Leonard blocked the door, waving his hands. “Wait, wait, wait! We can’t both go and check!”
“Why not?”
“We’d be coming out of the same room!” said Leonard “That would look like we were…”
“What?” Raj prompted.
Leonard threw his hands up. “Well, I don’t know, but it would look weird!”
Raj shrugged. “Fine, you go.”
Leonard nodded set his shoulders. He inched the door open quietly and then slipped out, snapping the door shut behind him. He crept forward muttering “Coffee, I’m just going for coffee. I’m just up for coffee.”
Suitably in character, Leonard tip-toed down the hall toward the kitchen, changing direction at the last minute to check the couch. Howard was fortunately unconscious, though Sheldon’s spot of sofa smelled suspiciously like vomit, and he was probably going to wake up complaining of a crick in his neck.
Raj leant over his shoulder. “Is the coast clear?”
Leonard almost passed through the ceiling. “What the hell?”
“Quietly!” Raj hissed.
Leonard nodded and continued in a whisper. “What the hell? In any case this explains why we were in bed together.”
“Dude, quietly! Don’t wake him up.”
“Look at him, he’s not going to wake up. Not anytime soon.”
Raj sighed. “I’m never going to hear the end of this the next few days.”
“Why?”
“It’s always my fault when he has a hangover. Even now I drink and I have just as little memory of the night before as him. Sometimes less.”
Leonard frowned and nodded in sympathy.
In the hall Sheldon’s bedroom door opened. In a moment of silent panic Raj and Leonard tried to hide behind the couch. Then, realising that Howard would see them if he woke up, Leonard dragged Raj through the kitchen and behind the breakfast bar.
Then the knocking began. “Leonard and Raj.. Leonard and Raj. Leonard and Raj.”
Leonard sprang up and ran to the hall to his bedroom door.
“Why were you knocking for both of us? Raj isn’t in there, what makes you think that Raj was in there with me?” Leonard demanded, pushing past Sheldon and leaning heavily against the door jamb.
“Yeah,” said Raj appearing behind them.
“What were you two doing in the kitchen?”
“Coffee,” said Raj.
“Yeah. Coffee.”
“But it’s six in the morning. We don’t have to go to work today.”
“We just felt like getting coffee, okay? It’s something that normal people do.”
“At six o’clock in the morning?” asked Sheldon.
“Yes,” said Raj.
“I don’t understand,” Sheldon began. “As far as I can discern the two of you spent the night in Leonard’s room, and yet there was enough noise to warrant the use of my earmuffs.”
Leonard twitched. “What’s there to understand? There wasn’t room on the couch and Raj was too drunk to drive home! There’s nothing more to it than that!”
“Are you sure? The noise was similar to those instances when you engaged in coitus with Stephanie and Penny. Given this data the only conclusion I can draw is that -”
“There is no conclusion to draw, okay? Conclusions only come when something happens and nothing happened last night, nothing! No significant results! There’s nothing for you to be confused by, nothing!”
Leonard shouldered his way past Sheldon and stormed to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Raj shrugged and pointed. “What he said,” he said. “See you later.” The front door slammed behind him.
On the couch, Howard finally jerked awake. “What the hell’s going around here?”
Sheldon raised his eyebrows. “Howard, with all due respect, which is admittedly rather limited, if I can’t understand what’s going on, I hardly think there’s any hope of you comprehending.” He sipped his tea. “No. I need to go to an expert.”
Howard snorted and settled back down before flinching back. “Oh great!”
“What?”
Howard quickly lay back down again. “Nothing. Nothing at all. You go back to bed.”
Unfortunately for him, Sheldon’s nostrils were already flaring. “Did you vomit on my spot?”
“Penny. Penny. Penny.”
Penny nudged him out of the way and unlocked her apartment door. “Out of coffee, need coffee.”
She made a beeline for the kitchen and the coffeepot, leaving the door open. Sheldon drifted in after her and held out a steaming cup.
“Penny.” He knocked on the kitchen counter.
Penny slapped a hand over his to stop him making noise. “Sheldon, just give me a minute, I need -”
“This is coffee.”
“Thank you!” Penny snatched it and began drinking. After a moment the placebo effect kicked in and she beamed. “Hey, Sheldon! Sorry about that. All night birthday party at my friend’s. Now I’m missing the other mirror on my car. Had a hell of a time parking, lemme tell ya,” she said waving a hand. She gulped down the last of the coffee and leant against the counter, fully prepared for whatever nerdy craziness Sheldon wanted to drag her into. “Something wrong?”
Sheldon sighed, looking put upon. “I have come across a hideously complex social situation - I’ve been looking back through my records of social interactions for comparison and I haven’t been able to find anything that even comes close.”
Penny raised an eyebrow. That narrowed it down. “O-kay. What’s up?”
“After last night’s party - which, by the way, was in direct defiance of my roommate agreement with Leonard - Wolowitz and Koothrapoli ended up spending the night.”
“Okay, you guys are a little old for sleepovers, but that’s not too weird.”
“So I’m given to understand. However, whilst Wolowitz took the couch, Koothrapoli was sharing Leonard’s bed.”
Penny nodded slowly. “Again, not that unusual.”
“Yes, then there was a great deal of noise, the like of which I’ve only previous heard when Leonard has engaged in coitus.”
Penny blinked. “You’re coitusing with me here, right?”
“No. I genuinely require assistance. All available evidence suggests that Leonard and Raj had intercourse, yet when I posed this question to Leonard he was very adamant that no such thing had taken place.”
“Hold on, hold on!” Penny held up her hands. “Leonard and Raj had sex?”
Sheldon did a double-take. “Was I speaking in Spanish? Leonard denied such a thing took place. This is why I require your expertise. I’ve been brainstorming for most of the afternoon for what other social situations could have taken place with no results.”
Penny sank down onto the couch. “Oh my God. Leonard and Raj…”
“Penny, we’ve already dispelled that hypothesis,” Sheldon snapped. “I know it’s difficult for you keep up, but I need you to focus - wait, where are you going?”
Penny pushed past him and crossed the hall. “Leonard?”
Sheldon scuttled after her. “Penny, what are you doing?”
Penny ignored him. “Leonard, can I talk to you for a sec?”
“Er,” Leonard, sat at his laptop, was clearly trying to stall for time. “I’m kinda in the middle of something -”
Penny peered over his shoulder at the black screen. “Sweetie, I’m no expert, but I think you need to turn it on. Can I talk to you?”
Leonard sighed “Fine. What’s up?”
“Did you sleep with Raj last night?”
Leonard stared at her in shock for a moment, but recovered quickly enough to look around her to give a death glare. “Sheldon!”
“I’ve already told her, you were very clear that nothing of the sort took place! I have no idea why she insists on labouring under this assumption,” said Sheldon, hands flapping.
“Leonard?” Penny asked.
“Look, I don’t - surely this is no one’s business but mine and Raj’s.”
Penny stared at him, wide-eyed. “Oh my God, you did, didn’t you?”
Leonard squirmed. “You were at the party, there was Absinthe. Raj was - well, you were there, he was being an ass. Neither of us can even remember what happened!”
“Sweetie, it’s nothing to be ashamed of -” Penny began, laying a hand on his arm.
Leonard shook her off. “I’m not ashamed, because nothing happened!”
Sheldon was shoved aside again as Howard stormed in. “Alright, four eyes, what the hell happened?”
Leonard stood up quickly. “What are you - ?”
“Howard, I promise there’s a perfectly innocent explaaa -” At the sight of Penny Raj’s voice disappeared, probably becoming too high for dogs to hear.
She blinked. “Still? Gee, you’d think the gay sex would have made that go away.”
Leonard hissed. “Not helping, Penny!”
“So it’s true!” Howard yelled, pointing at Leonard.
“What’s true? Why you yelling at me?”
“You! You and Raj!”
“We don’t know!” Leonard yelled, panicked.
Penny stared at him. “What?”
“Look we just - the fact is, we don’t now anything for sure, okay?” said Leonard, looking from Penny to Howard like he was trying to work out how to make a break for it without being caught.
“You don’t?” Howard asked slowly.
“No. So can we please just leave it at that?” Leonard asked.
“Yeah, okay, lemme think. No,” said Howard.
“Yeah, well short of hypnosis or forensics we’re never going to know, so that’s that.”
“Oh please, we could easily get the supplies we’d need for a CSI kit from the university’s chemistry department,” said Sheldon.
“Oh, oh, Can I do it, I do a wicked CSI impression!” said Penny. “Plus, it’ll give me a chance to practice for this crime thing I’m auditioning for -”
“This isn’t a game, woman!” Howard yelled. “I’ve been cuckolded!”
Everyone stared at him.
“Oh c’mon! If it was ever going to happen, you knew it was going to be me and Raj! And instead my best friend decides to gay-up with another man.”
“Can’t you for once overcome your neurosis, just this once?” Leonard demanded of Raj.
“Yeah. Penny, get out,” said Howard jerking his head towards the door. “I wanna know what Raj has to say about all this.”
“Can’t we just give him something to drink?” asked Penny “I wanna hear this too.”
“No, I think this is something that Howard and Raj and I going to have to talk over,” said Leonard. “We should probably be getting dinner soon anyway, why don’t you and Sheldon go get some Chinese food?”
“Why do I have to take Sheldon?”
“Because this is not a conversation I’m going to have in front of him,” said Howard, pointing.
“What if I don’t want to go?” asked Sheldon.
“But if you do go, you’ll be able to make sure that they get the order right for a change,” said Leonard “And you’ll be able to pick up your cushion from the dry cleaners on the way home.”
Penny frowned. “Wait the cushion had to be dry cleaned again?”
“Don’t ask,” said Howard, folding his arms.
“I just did,” Penny said. “And how the hell did you manage to get them to do it the same day? When I took it in they said it was an overnight job.”
“They recognised me and promised they’d do it double time,” said Leonard. “Anything to avoid having Sheldon in there again. But, best laid plans.”
“If we have to can we take your car?” Sheldon asked Leonard. “Penny has issues regarding the check engine light.”
“Oh for God’s sake, let’s just go already,” said Penny, grabbing Sheldon by the arm and steering him to the door. “How long should we give you guys? An hour?”
“Yeah sure, and while you’re at it, why not lend us some cute nail polish so we can do each others’ toes?” said Howard “This is a feelings talk, Penny. If it goes over half an hour one of us will jump out of the window to keep it from going on any longer.”
“I’m perfectly willing to jump out of there right now, save us having this conversation at all,” said Leonard.
“Sit down!” Howard growled.
“Okay, we’ll be back in about half an hour,” said Penny, herding Sheldon out of the door. “If we’re any longer, feel free to break up the feelings talk with some Battlestar. See ya.” She dragged the door shut behind her.
In the hall outside, Sheldon looked from the closed door to Penny in confusion before trotting down the stairs afters her.
“But I thought you wanted to know what was going to happen,” he said. “You never fold that easily. It’s on my list of ways to tell if you’ve been replaced by a pod person or a terminator designed to look exactly like you.” Sheldon stopped dead. “Oh God, you’re not, are you? I subject myself to your people - you could use prim examples of human intelligence like me -”
“Sheldon.” Penny interrupted. “Get up off your knees.”
“Anything for my new overlords,” said Sheldon meekly rising to his feet.
Penny rolled her eyes. “Okay first of all, I’m not a cyborg or cylon or whatever.”
“Well of course you’d say that,” Sheldon muttered.
“Secondly, I am not folding.”
“And yet we appear to be on our way to pick up Chinese food.”
“Sheldon, you remember the cameras you made me help you put up so you could prove to Leonard he was in violation of clause 12;34 on your room mate agreement.”
Sheldon gave her a withering look. “Clearly better than you do; it was clause 16;9.”
“Whatever,” said Penny. “Anyway, they’re still intact from the party, right? All we need to do is take the tape from today and play it back.”
“And what makes you think that I’d be willing to hand that tape over to you?” Sheldon demanded.
Penny stopped and turned. “You recall that I wanted to tell Leonard about the cameras, but you convinced me not to because that would have contaminated the data that you correlated from it or whatever?”
“I didn’t say anything remotely like that,” Sheldon began.
“But I didn’t tell him,” Penny went on. “For which you owe me. With me so far?”
“You’re trying to employ the favour,” said Sheldon warily.
“The return favour.” Penny corrected.
Sheldon paused. “I don’t follow.”
Howard rewound the tape. “Nope. Nothing. We just get you two going in to Leonard’s room.”
“And you throwing up on Sheldon’s cushion,” said Raj.
“And he hasn’t put any cameras up in the hall, or my room,” said Leonard, thinking. “I think we’re going to have to go accept the fact that we’re never going to know.”
“Looks like,” said Raj.
“You don’t think you’re over-reacting a little with this, Howard?” Leonard asked.
“Of course I’m over-reacting - but I think I’m entitled. For one thing, I’ve been friends with him longer.”
“Yeah, sure, because it could never be my choice,” snapped Raj.
“So it’s true?” Howard asked, looking from Raj to Leonard. “You did pick him over me?”
“I was drunk. He doesn’t mean anything like as much to me as you do,” Raj began.
“Excuse me, I’m standing right here,” said Leonard.
Raj sighed, running one hand through his hair. “How long has it been now?”
Howard checked his watch. “Depends. Are we counting the time it took to find the cameras and set up the tape?”
“Yes,” said Raj and Leonard together. There was an awkward moment as Howard made an obvious effort to repress a new wave of betrayal.
He cleared his throat. “Nineteen and a half minutes.”
“I say we put on Battlestar,” said Leonard.
“Seconded,” said Raj a second too quickly. Leonard grimaced as Howard sat down, bottom lip trembling.
“I’m going to see what’s keeping Penny and Sheldon,” said Leonard, pulling out his phone and walking through to his room.
“You think he’s ever going to forgive me?” Raj asked.
“Come on. This time tomorrow you guys’ll be hitting on hippy girls at the farmer’s market.”
Raj gave him a look. “That’s Sunday mornings.”
“If you’re done sweet-talking, one of you guys want to bring the soy sauce over?” asked Penny.
Leonard sighed and passed it to her. “When do you guys plan on letting this one go?” he asked.
“I’m thinking until I need to blackmail you into doing something,” said Penny. “I don’t even want to imagine what your Mom would make of this.”
Leonard froze. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“You ask yourself that next time I ask you for help,” said Penny.
Leonard cleared his throat loudly. “Anyway. Moving on -”
“I have to admit, if it was going to be any of your guys, I’d have thought it would have been Howard and Raj.”
“Me too.” Everyone turned to stare at Howard. “What? So sue me, I’m still feeling a little betrayed here.”
“Is this to be repeated?” asked Sheldon, ignoring Wolowitz.
Leonard blinked. “What?”
“I’m simply wondering if you and Raj intend to add a sexual component to your friendship, thereby upgrading your relationship to “friends with benefits”.” Sheldon made finger quotes.
“I don’t…you can’t expect me to just -” looking around and finding no help Leonard got to his feet. “I need to go the bathroom.”
As the door slammed, Raj’s shoulders slumped. “I feel so used.”
Penny patted him on the shoulder.
Author: shadowbyrd
Rating: PG - 13
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Word Count: 3164
Pairing: Leonard/Raj
Summary: Nothing happened, okay? NOTHING!
Leonard woke up with a pounding headache, a gaping hole in his memory and a warm body next to him. He had a minute to feel smug about getting lucky before he opened his eyes and found himself face to face with a sleepy looking Raj.
Leonard yelled and jumped to his feet. Raj grabbed the headboard to keep from tipping over the edge. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“What am I - this is my bed!” Leonard yelled “What the hell are you doing here? At six in the morning! Naked!”
“Okay, okay, let’s just calm down,” said Leonard, raising his hands. “If we put on pants, go over what happened last night, I’m sure we can figure out what led us...here.” He glanced away as he finished the sentence and slid out of bed.
“We should put underwear on too.” Raj decided.
Leonard paused in pulling his shorts on. “I figured that was a given.”
After acquiring a t-shirt and tossing Raj his underclothes Leonard began to pace, trying in vain to massage away the sharp stabbing pain behind his eyes. “I think it goes without saying we must have been drunk -”
“No way, dude!” said Raj, standing up a little too quickly for Leonard’s liking. “I’m a confident drunk! I’d have been able to talk to all the women at the party - I’d have had my pick!”
“And you did,” said Leonard, checking behind his hand to see if Raj was decent yet. “Except you’re also an obnoxious drunk.”
“Apparently not obnoxious enough to you,” said Raj. He glanced around. “Where’s Howard to say “oh snap” when I need him?”
Leonard cleared his throat “ - and we must have decided to keep you here, because there’s no way we’d let you drive drunk.”
Raj nodded. “Makes sense, after all people don’t go in Sheldon’s room - but what about the couch?”
Leonard frowned. “I thought Wolowitz had the couch?”
Raj shrugged and made for the door at the same time as Leonard. Realising this, Leonard blocked the door, waving his hands. “Wait, wait, wait! We can’t both go and check!”
“Why not?”
“We’d be coming out of the same room!” said Leonard “That would look like we were…”
“What?” Raj prompted.
Leonard threw his hands up. “Well, I don’t know, but it would look weird!”
Raj shrugged. “Fine, you go.”
Leonard nodded set his shoulders. He inched the door open quietly and then slipped out, snapping the door shut behind him. He crept forward muttering “Coffee, I’m just going for coffee. I’m just up for coffee.”
Suitably in character, Leonard tip-toed down the hall toward the kitchen, changing direction at the last minute to check the couch. Howard was fortunately unconscious, though Sheldon’s spot of sofa smelled suspiciously like vomit, and he was probably going to wake up complaining of a crick in his neck.
Raj leant over his shoulder. “Is the coast clear?”
Leonard almost passed through the ceiling. “What the hell?”
“Quietly!” Raj hissed.
Leonard nodded and continued in a whisper. “What the hell? In any case this explains why we were in bed together.”
“Dude, quietly! Don’t wake him up.”
“Look at him, he’s not going to wake up. Not anytime soon.”
Raj sighed. “I’m never going to hear the end of this the next few days.”
“Why?”
“It’s always my fault when he has a hangover. Even now I drink and I have just as little memory of the night before as him. Sometimes less.”
Leonard frowned and nodded in sympathy.
In the hall Sheldon’s bedroom door opened. In a moment of silent panic Raj and Leonard tried to hide behind the couch. Then, realising that Howard would see them if he woke up, Leonard dragged Raj through the kitchen and behind the breakfast bar.
Then the knocking began. “Leonard and Raj.. Leonard and Raj. Leonard and Raj.”
Leonard sprang up and ran to the hall to his bedroom door.
“Why were you knocking for both of us? Raj isn’t in there, what makes you think that Raj was in there with me?” Leonard demanded, pushing past Sheldon and leaning heavily against the door jamb.
“Yeah,” said Raj appearing behind them.
“What were you two doing in the kitchen?”
“Coffee,” said Raj.
“Yeah. Coffee.”
“But it’s six in the morning. We don’t have to go to work today.”
“We just felt like getting coffee, okay? It’s something that normal people do.”
“At six o’clock in the morning?” asked Sheldon.
“Yes,” said Raj.
“I don’t understand,” Sheldon began. “As far as I can discern the two of you spent the night in Leonard’s room, and yet there was enough noise to warrant the use of my earmuffs.”
Leonard twitched. “What’s there to understand? There wasn’t room on the couch and Raj was too drunk to drive home! There’s nothing more to it than that!”
“Are you sure? The noise was similar to those instances when you engaged in coitus with Stephanie and Penny. Given this data the only conclusion I can draw is that -”
“There is no conclusion to draw, okay? Conclusions only come when something happens and nothing happened last night, nothing! No significant results! There’s nothing for you to be confused by, nothing!”
Leonard shouldered his way past Sheldon and stormed to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Raj shrugged and pointed. “What he said,” he said. “See you later.” The front door slammed behind him.
On the couch, Howard finally jerked awake. “What the hell’s going around here?”
Sheldon raised his eyebrows. “Howard, with all due respect, which is admittedly rather limited, if I can’t understand what’s going on, I hardly think there’s any hope of you comprehending.” He sipped his tea. “No. I need to go to an expert.”
Howard snorted and settled back down before flinching back. “Oh great!”
“What?”
Howard quickly lay back down again. “Nothing. Nothing at all. You go back to bed.”
Unfortunately for him, Sheldon’s nostrils were already flaring. “Did you vomit on my spot?”
“Penny. Penny. Penny.”
Penny nudged him out of the way and unlocked her apartment door. “Out of coffee, need coffee.”
She made a beeline for the kitchen and the coffeepot, leaving the door open. Sheldon drifted in after her and held out a steaming cup.
“Penny.” He knocked on the kitchen counter.
Penny slapped a hand over his to stop him making noise. “Sheldon, just give me a minute, I need -”
“This is coffee.”
“Thank you!” Penny snatched it and began drinking. After a moment the placebo effect kicked in and she beamed. “Hey, Sheldon! Sorry about that. All night birthday party at my friend’s. Now I’m missing the other mirror on my car. Had a hell of a time parking, lemme tell ya,” she said waving a hand. She gulped down the last of the coffee and leant against the counter, fully prepared for whatever nerdy craziness Sheldon wanted to drag her into. “Something wrong?”
Sheldon sighed, looking put upon. “I have come across a hideously complex social situation - I’ve been looking back through my records of social interactions for comparison and I haven’t been able to find anything that even comes close.”
Penny raised an eyebrow. That narrowed it down. “O-kay. What’s up?”
“After last night’s party - which, by the way, was in direct defiance of my roommate agreement with Leonard - Wolowitz and Koothrapoli ended up spending the night.”
“Okay, you guys are a little old for sleepovers, but that’s not too weird.”
“So I’m given to understand. However, whilst Wolowitz took the couch, Koothrapoli was sharing Leonard’s bed.”
Penny nodded slowly. “Again, not that unusual.”
“Yes, then there was a great deal of noise, the like of which I’ve only previous heard when Leonard has engaged in coitus.”
Penny blinked. “You’re coitusing with me here, right?”
“No. I genuinely require assistance. All available evidence suggests that Leonard and Raj had intercourse, yet when I posed this question to Leonard he was very adamant that no such thing had taken place.”
“Hold on, hold on!” Penny held up her hands. “Leonard and Raj had sex?”
Sheldon did a double-take. “Was I speaking in Spanish? Leonard denied such a thing took place. This is why I require your expertise. I’ve been brainstorming for most of the afternoon for what other social situations could have taken place with no results.”
Penny sank down onto the couch. “Oh my God. Leonard and Raj…”
“Penny, we’ve already dispelled that hypothesis,” Sheldon snapped. “I know it’s difficult for you keep up, but I need you to focus - wait, where are you going?”
Penny pushed past him and crossed the hall. “Leonard?”
Sheldon scuttled after her. “Penny, what are you doing?”
Penny ignored him. “Leonard, can I talk to you for a sec?”
“Er,” Leonard, sat at his laptop, was clearly trying to stall for time. “I’m kinda in the middle of something -”
Penny peered over his shoulder at the black screen. “Sweetie, I’m no expert, but I think you need to turn it on. Can I talk to you?”
Leonard sighed “Fine. What’s up?”
“Did you sleep with Raj last night?”
Leonard stared at her in shock for a moment, but recovered quickly enough to look around her to give a death glare. “Sheldon!”
“I’ve already told her, you were very clear that nothing of the sort took place! I have no idea why she insists on labouring under this assumption,” said Sheldon, hands flapping.
“Leonard?” Penny asked.
“Look, I don’t - surely this is no one’s business but mine and Raj’s.”
Penny stared at him, wide-eyed. “Oh my God, you did, didn’t you?”
Leonard squirmed. “You were at the party, there was Absinthe. Raj was - well, you were there, he was being an ass. Neither of us can even remember what happened!”
“Sweetie, it’s nothing to be ashamed of -” Penny began, laying a hand on his arm.
Leonard shook her off. “I’m not ashamed, because nothing happened!”
Sheldon was shoved aside again as Howard stormed in. “Alright, four eyes, what the hell happened?”
Leonard stood up quickly. “What are you - ?”
“Howard, I promise there’s a perfectly innocent explaaa -” At the sight of Penny Raj’s voice disappeared, probably becoming too high for dogs to hear.
She blinked. “Still? Gee, you’d think the gay sex would have made that go away.”
Leonard hissed. “Not helping, Penny!”
“So it’s true!” Howard yelled, pointing at Leonard.
“What’s true? Why you yelling at me?”
“You! You and Raj!”
“We don’t know!” Leonard yelled, panicked.
Penny stared at him. “What?”
“Look we just - the fact is, we don’t now anything for sure, okay?” said Leonard, looking from Penny to Howard like he was trying to work out how to make a break for it without being caught.
“You don’t?” Howard asked slowly.
“No. So can we please just leave it at that?” Leonard asked.
“Yeah, okay, lemme think. No,” said Howard.
“Yeah, well short of hypnosis or forensics we’re never going to know, so that’s that.”
“Oh please, we could easily get the supplies we’d need for a CSI kit from the university’s chemistry department,” said Sheldon.
“Oh, oh, Can I do it, I do a wicked CSI impression!” said Penny. “Plus, it’ll give me a chance to practice for this crime thing I’m auditioning for -”
“This isn’t a game, woman!” Howard yelled. “I’ve been cuckolded!”
Everyone stared at him.
“Oh c’mon! If it was ever going to happen, you knew it was going to be me and Raj! And instead my best friend decides to gay-up with another man.”
“Can’t you for once overcome your neurosis, just this once?” Leonard demanded of Raj.
“Yeah. Penny, get out,” said Howard jerking his head towards the door. “I wanna know what Raj has to say about all this.”
“Can’t we just give him something to drink?” asked Penny “I wanna hear this too.”
“No, I think this is something that Howard and Raj and I going to have to talk over,” said Leonard. “We should probably be getting dinner soon anyway, why don’t you and Sheldon go get some Chinese food?”
“Why do I have to take Sheldon?”
“Because this is not a conversation I’m going to have in front of him,” said Howard, pointing.
“What if I don’t want to go?” asked Sheldon.
“But if you do go, you’ll be able to make sure that they get the order right for a change,” said Leonard “And you’ll be able to pick up your cushion from the dry cleaners on the way home.”
Penny frowned. “Wait the cushion had to be dry cleaned again?”
“Don’t ask,” said Howard, folding his arms.
“I just did,” Penny said. “And how the hell did you manage to get them to do it the same day? When I took it in they said it was an overnight job.”
“They recognised me and promised they’d do it double time,” said Leonard. “Anything to avoid having Sheldon in there again. But, best laid plans.”
“If we have to can we take your car?” Sheldon asked Leonard. “Penny has issues regarding the check engine light.”
“Oh for God’s sake, let’s just go already,” said Penny, grabbing Sheldon by the arm and steering him to the door. “How long should we give you guys? An hour?”
“Yeah sure, and while you’re at it, why not lend us some cute nail polish so we can do each others’ toes?” said Howard “This is a feelings talk, Penny. If it goes over half an hour one of us will jump out of the window to keep it from going on any longer.”
“I’m perfectly willing to jump out of there right now, save us having this conversation at all,” said Leonard.
“Sit down!” Howard growled.
“Okay, we’ll be back in about half an hour,” said Penny, herding Sheldon out of the door. “If we’re any longer, feel free to break up the feelings talk with some Battlestar. See ya.” She dragged the door shut behind her.
In the hall outside, Sheldon looked from the closed door to Penny in confusion before trotting down the stairs afters her.
“But I thought you wanted to know what was going to happen,” he said. “You never fold that easily. It’s on my list of ways to tell if you’ve been replaced by a pod person or a terminator designed to look exactly like you.” Sheldon stopped dead. “Oh God, you’re not, are you? I subject myself to your people - you could use prim examples of human intelligence like me -”
“Sheldon.” Penny interrupted. “Get up off your knees.”
“Anything for my new overlords,” said Sheldon meekly rising to his feet.
Penny rolled her eyes. “Okay first of all, I’m not a cyborg or cylon or whatever.”
“Well of course you’d say that,” Sheldon muttered.
“Secondly, I am not folding.”
“And yet we appear to be on our way to pick up Chinese food.”
“Sheldon, you remember the cameras you made me help you put up so you could prove to Leonard he was in violation of clause 12;34 on your room mate agreement.”
Sheldon gave her a withering look. “Clearly better than you do; it was clause 16;9.”
“Whatever,” said Penny. “Anyway, they’re still intact from the party, right? All we need to do is take the tape from today and play it back.”
“And what makes you think that I’d be willing to hand that tape over to you?” Sheldon demanded.
Penny stopped and turned. “You recall that I wanted to tell Leonard about the cameras, but you convinced me not to because that would have contaminated the data that you correlated from it or whatever?”
“I didn’t say anything remotely like that,” Sheldon began.
“But I didn’t tell him,” Penny went on. “For which you owe me. With me so far?”
“You’re trying to employ the favour,” said Sheldon warily.
“The return favour.” Penny corrected.
Sheldon paused. “I don’t follow.”
Howard rewound the tape. “Nope. Nothing. We just get you two going in to Leonard’s room.”
“And you throwing up on Sheldon’s cushion,” said Raj.
“And he hasn’t put any cameras up in the hall, or my room,” said Leonard, thinking. “I think we’re going to have to go accept the fact that we’re never going to know.”
“Looks like,” said Raj.
“You don’t think you’re over-reacting a little with this, Howard?” Leonard asked.
“Of course I’m over-reacting - but I think I’m entitled. For one thing, I’ve been friends with him longer.”
“Yeah, sure, because it could never be my choice,” snapped Raj.
“So it’s true?” Howard asked, looking from Raj to Leonard. “You did pick him over me?”
“I was drunk. He doesn’t mean anything like as much to me as you do,” Raj began.
“Excuse me, I’m standing right here,” said Leonard.
Raj sighed, running one hand through his hair. “How long has it been now?”
Howard checked his watch. “Depends. Are we counting the time it took to find the cameras and set up the tape?”
“Yes,” said Raj and Leonard together. There was an awkward moment as Howard made an obvious effort to repress a new wave of betrayal.
He cleared his throat. “Nineteen and a half minutes.”
“I say we put on Battlestar,” said Leonard.
“Seconded,” said Raj a second too quickly. Leonard grimaced as Howard sat down, bottom lip trembling.
“I’m going to see what’s keeping Penny and Sheldon,” said Leonard, pulling out his phone and walking through to his room.
“You think he’s ever going to forgive me?” Raj asked.
“Come on. This time tomorrow you guys’ll be hitting on hippy girls at the farmer’s market.”
Raj gave him a look. “That’s Sunday mornings.”
“If you’re done sweet-talking, one of you guys want to bring the soy sauce over?” asked Penny.
Leonard sighed and passed it to her. “When do you guys plan on letting this one go?” he asked.
“I’m thinking until I need to blackmail you into doing something,” said Penny. “I don’t even want to imagine what your Mom would make of this.”
Leonard froze. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“You ask yourself that next time I ask you for help,” said Penny.
Leonard cleared his throat loudly. “Anyway. Moving on -”
“I have to admit, if it was going to be any of your guys, I’d have thought it would have been Howard and Raj.”
“Me too.” Everyone turned to stare at Howard. “What? So sue me, I’m still feeling a little betrayed here.”
“Is this to be repeated?” asked Sheldon, ignoring Wolowitz.
Leonard blinked. “What?”
“I’m simply wondering if you and Raj intend to add a sexual component to your friendship, thereby upgrading your relationship to “friends with benefits”.” Sheldon made finger quotes.
“I don’t…you can’t expect me to just -” looking around and finding no help Leonard got to his feet. “I need to go the bathroom.”
As the door slammed, Raj’s shoulders slumped. “I feel so used.”
Penny patted him on the shoulder.