Vigil, Part 1: Preparations and Ereshkigal
I sat my vigil on my third floor balcony which overlooks a wooded area. It's private, safe, and gives the illusion of being away from other people. To prepare it for the vigil, I lined the edge with sea salt, set five candles in glass holders around the edge and lit them, and lit my charcoal grill. Throughout the evening I tended the charcoal and from time to time put dragonsblood, frankincense, or myrrh on the coals. After doing the physical preparations, I did a Qabalistic Cross and Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. Then I sat in a comfortable patio chair with a fuzzy brown wrap, and put my journal and a candle lantern on a chest to my right.
My neighborhood is usually quiet, but just as I was settling in I realized that there was a party going on some distance away. There were five or so distinct voices, plus music. They weren't being obnoxious, but they were definitely 'present' in my awareness. To my surprise, once I settled in to start my meditation they faded quickly into the background.
Ereshkigal was there almost as soon as I closed my eyes.
More than a week later, the details are a bit blurred. I have my notes on the realizations, but didn't write down all that happened to get me there. What is most distinct is Ereshkigal asking me a series of questions. Each time I answered a new question, I felt like I was moving through a doorway. Actually, most of the 'questions' were one question, repeated again and again: "What do you want?" Along with the questions was the directive: "Release your preconceived notions."
I found out that I remain very consistent about what I want. They are the same things I've wanted for the past several years: to be close to LM, to have a spiritual direction practice, be a priestess, to teach, to write. . . It was good to have that confirmed.
What was new-ish was having brought home to me that not only are all these goals completely achievable, they all depend far more on my own efforts than they do on anyone else's approval. I don't have to appease anyone to get these things. I just have to have confidence in myself and keep working. The flip side of this is the realization/acceptance that no one can bestow these things on me. I have allies, but ultimately the buck stops with me.
One of the things I have struggled with most over the past several years is my frustration at feeling like I'm having extra difficulty with magical/psychic/energy work. It's felt like no matter how hard I work there's something in the way of my progress. I see friends around me having amazing experiences that I believe surpass my own, and I gnash my teeth and feel like I'm flailing.
Part of my issue is that I haven't been as consistent as I should be with my practices. Part of my lack of consistency is human nature, but part of it is a deep resistance to doing the practices themselves, despite knowing (intellectually, if not at gut-level) that they are essential to achieving some of my most cherished goals. Part of it is a side-effect of being a person who has always had things come easily to me. This is the hardest I've ever had to work for something I've wanted -- and although my day-to-day consistency often sucks, this is the longest I've persisted over time.
Part of me has desperately wanted someone -- Ereshkigal, my teacher, other friends -- to do the equivalent of tapping me on the head with a wand and instantly opening up all my potential and powers. It was only during the vigil that Ereshkigal finally got it through my head that even if someone *could* do that, it would not be helpful. Having the potency without the groundwork is a recipe for disaster. And it's impossible to give me the ability to perceive just LM without opening up other sight as well, and I'm not ready for that either. I know my teacher and friends have tried to explain this to me before, but it didn't really stick until that night.
When Ereshkigal was satisfied that I had gone deep enough, She withdrew. I took a break, and when I came back, Inanna was there.
My neighborhood is usually quiet, but just as I was settling in I realized that there was a party going on some distance away. There were five or so distinct voices, plus music. They weren't being obnoxious, but they were definitely 'present' in my awareness. To my surprise, once I settled in to start my meditation they faded quickly into the background.
Ereshkigal was there almost as soon as I closed my eyes.
More than a week later, the details are a bit blurred. I have my notes on the realizations, but didn't write down all that happened to get me there. What is most distinct is Ereshkigal asking me a series of questions. Each time I answered a new question, I felt like I was moving through a doorway. Actually, most of the 'questions' were one question, repeated again and again: "What do you want?" Along with the questions was the directive: "Release your preconceived notions."
I found out that I remain very consistent about what I want. They are the same things I've wanted for the past several years: to be close to LM, to have a spiritual direction practice, be a priestess, to teach, to write. . . It was good to have that confirmed.
What was new-ish was having brought home to me that not only are all these goals completely achievable, they all depend far more on my own efforts than they do on anyone else's approval. I don't have to appease anyone to get these things. I just have to have confidence in myself and keep working. The flip side of this is the realization/acceptance that no one can bestow these things on me. I have allies, but ultimately the buck stops with me.
One of the things I have struggled with most over the past several years is my frustration at feeling like I'm having extra difficulty with magical/psychic/energy work. It's felt like no matter how hard I work there's something in the way of my progress. I see friends around me having amazing experiences that I believe surpass my own, and I gnash my teeth and feel like I'm flailing.
Part of my issue is that I haven't been as consistent as I should be with my practices. Part of my lack of consistency is human nature, but part of it is a deep resistance to doing the practices themselves, despite knowing (intellectually, if not at gut-level) that they are essential to achieving some of my most cherished goals. Part of it is a side-effect of being a person who has always had things come easily to me. This is the hardest I've ever had to work for something I've wanted -- and although my day-to-day consistency often sucks, this is the longest I've persisted over time.
Part of me has desperately wanted someone -- Ereshkigal, my teacher, other friends -- to do the equivalent of tapping me on the head with a wand and instantly opening up all my potential and powers. It was only during the vigil that Ereshkigal finally got it through my head that even if someone *could* do that, it would not be helpful. Having the potency without the groundwork is a recipe for disaster. And it's impossible to give me the ability to perceive just LM without opening up other sight as well, and I'm not ready for that either. I know my teacher and friends have tried to explain this to me before, but it didn't really stick until that night.
When Ereshkigal was satisfied that I had gone deep enough, She withdrew. I took a break, and when I came back, Inanna was there.