Supernatural Episode Review - 4x14 - Sex and Violence
If there was a FURIOUS emoticon - I'd SO be using that about now.
Then: UGH FOR FUCK’S SAKE - IF YOUR GONNA HAVE CASTIEL IN THE THEN PORTION OF THE SHOW - HAVE HIM GODDAMN ON ALREADY. FUCKING COCK TEASES. Blah blah, Sam and Ruby and their illicit whateverthefuck they’re doing and Dean’s gonna be pissed. Brotherly animosity. *sigh*
Now: Nice meat tenderizer. Hubby’s home and he’s not happy apparently. Or she isn’t. I dunno - they have a nice discussion about him being a major prick. And then he kills her with the huge meat tenderizer. Fucker.
Dean’s schleeping and looking about as delicious as ever…all debauched and sleepy and waiting patiently for Sam to get off the phone skanking with Ruby to fuck him…or wait…that was in my mind…well…not really. ANYWAY Dean = sleepy hot sexass and Sam = we’re pretending that we’re not having this conversation even though Dean’s asleep and listening and then pretending he’s asleep…and I seriously lost myself in that logic. Uhm. Yeah. My head already hurts and Sam’s just talking about no signs of major demon possession or some shit and Dean’s pretending he doesn’t hear. Sam lies through his teeth. He decides they should go check out the prick in Bedford, Iowa.
*rubs forehead* Prick knows he killed his wife. Doesn’t know why except that she made plans without asking him, but is pleading guilty. He knew what he was doing but yeah, he loved her, we were happy, blah blah - well not if you were such an obvious prick dude. They talk about his credit card bill and Jasmine, a stripper…her name was Lola, she was a showgirl…er…she was “perfect” and not because of the money or the sex or anything - he just can’t explain it. He killed the wife for Lola, I mean, Jasmine and I dunno there’s some other part in here about how he was supposed to meet her and she didn’t show or some shit and Dean for some reason uses Spanish for no apparent reason because DEAD works just as well in English as it does in Spanish and this dude’s not ethnic and UGH *RUBS FOREHEAD* He wants to die or some shit for his crime and I just don’t care.
We switch to Cara Roberts who’s popping pills like I just did for my massive headache and Sam struts in, I’m sure totally not going to know that she’s obviously a stripper, perhaps Jasmine herself, and if not, definitely evil anyway and I don’t even care enough to mention the fun agent names. Sam goes over the dudes that killed their wives and there was nothing unusual in the women but all three men had oxytocin in their systems, a hormone produced during child birth, lactation and sex. It’s the love hormone and they flirt and I puke. Dean comes in and because everyone is spelling it incorrectly, now I have to say that their names are the characters from Route 66 and it’s Murdock and STILES. I NOT Y. The completely OVERT flirting is REALLY ANNOYING AND MY HEAD IS POUNDING IN ANNOYANCE RIGHT ALONG WITH IT. The other dudes emptied IRAs and college funds to blow it on strippers at The Honey Wagon? Seriously? We’re watching this drivel instead of the fucking angel? Are you f’real Kripke? They discuss some other shit that I could care less about. Dean pretty much sums up my thoughts here: “We are on an actual case involving strippers, Sammy.” Except I didn’t end my sentence with “finally” like Dean, my sentence ended with “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
We’re subjected to actual strippers as Dean’s eyes wander while asking for Jasmine, Aurora and Ariel - is this like…the Disney strippers or something? Under the sea, literally? Aladdin and his lamp? I can show you the world. I mean I could do this all night. Come up with naughty Disney tag lines. I just…*sigh* I feel the need to launch into a tirade about the fact that we seem to love to have Dean be as fucking moronic as possible. He’s constantly chasing tail and fucking flirting like ALL the time, and when he’s not doing that, he’s EATING. Can the man like…BE the kickass dude he was in Seasons 1 & 2 please? This is just…it’s rather insulting. This was so much more enjoyable when Sammy was emo and not doing really bad flirty eyes with random skanks (sadly, Ruby is not included in that - and I do mean that - I really don’t mind her and it’s just SAD I’m not even including her in the skanks) and not being completely liar, liar pants on fire with Dean. And it was much more enjoyable when Dean was vulnerable and OMG PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FUCKER and while he’s at it - I HAVE A HUGE CHIP ON MY SHOULDER AND NO SELF WORTH. FUCK.
The dude’s not helpful with keeping track of the strippers. This dude was in Dark Angel - actually I think he was Alec’s boss…one of them…wtf was his name…Sandsomething. Sandoval? I really don’t care about this conversation. The boys converse about theories a la Bobby = sirens. Dean shows us he’s not a complete moron - and PLEASE - could we have MORE of THAT and less of THIS? He asks Sam if Bobby means actual mythic sirens, like The Odyssey kind and mentions, “Hey, I read.” Well fuck me over sideways - DEAN WINCHESTER READS?!??!!??!? What a revelation. Why CAN’T HE? Why is that SO unbelievable. I am SO SICK of him being the foil and the joker and the fucking moron while Sam’s the knight in shining dictionary. FUCK YOU KRIPKE and the STRIPPER you rode in on. OK!? OK!?!?!??!
UGH!
*deep calming breaths* *RUBS TEMPLES* *TURNS ON SOFT MUSIC* *SHUTS OFF SOFT MUSIC AND TURNS ON LINKIN PARK - it’s strangely cathartic*
The Walking Thesaurus relates Siren myth and I just don’t care, so we’re skipping it. The only thing we really need to get out of this exposition over music is that they can cloak themselves so you see whatever you want to see. RE: The one you were eye fucking in the office Sam. They figure it’s a solitary one doing all the damage. Some nerdy dude leaves with Belle. SERIOUSLY - THEY ARE ALL DISNEY CHARACTERS. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, YO. Your teacup’s on fire. Oh lord, he fucking checks to make sure his MOM is asleep. And I really have to say, I’m not super-religious and have issues, but I really sort of take offense to the fact that they felt the need to pan over a highly recognizable religious statue while they’re fucking. It’s blatantly sacrilegious and offensive. He kills mom happily.
Dean stares ominously at Sam’s phone before grabbing it and calling the number from his morning which is of course Ruby. Sam comes back after talking to the nerd and then Bobby calls. He relates that some poem says you can kill a siren with a bronze dagger covered in the blood of a sailor under the spell of the song. IS THIS SHOW TURNING INTO CHARMED? Seriously? I mean…I feel as though the Halliwell sisters will show up any minute and orb Sam away to be a whiteligher or something. Perhaps Cole can come back all deliciously evil and they can have it out. I’m just waiting for the amateur blowing up effects. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved Charmed before it got really stupid, but this is kind of ridiculous that this show is starting to remind me of it in plot and pace. Charmed was cancelled for a reason - it just got cancelled about four seasons too late. Supernatural is not Charmed, nor should it be taking on it’s characteristics. We’re not even a full 15 minutes in yet and I’m bored shitless. Orbing WOULD be preferable. Leo? Can you please orb me back to when this show rocked? Piper? Please blow up some windows so Kripke & Co. punch in. Phoebe? Well…you just stand there like you usually did and be a diva. They figure the ‘song’ is really a venom of some sort that’s sexually transmitted and the siren has to watch out after the victim has it or…it’ll come back and bite her in the ass or something. I dunno, I totally don’t get what they mean, because that doesn’t really make sense to me, but whatthefuckever. Sam has an idea. Bobby warns.
The boys go back to visit the doctor and really - I could care less what happens here - BOBBY RULES. Some actual real FBI agent…who…totally looks familiar…I’ll have to figure that out later (HOLY HELL HE’S HOYT FROM TRUE BLOOD - NO WAY!), questions their jurisdiction, etc. etc. and Sam totally nails all of this giving him a CARD and everything - and of course BOBBY plays the Assistant Director complete with a KISS THE COOK APRON ON. And then hangs up on the dude and we see a literal WALL OF PHONES FOR EVERY FREAKING BADGE THEY OWN! ALL LABELED WITH MASKING TAPE. That totally just made my night. And so far is the only redeeming part of this episode.
Sam talks Dean into taking Hoyt to the strip club so he can get some with the doctor. Blah blah, Hoyt tells Dean his ride is cool and…it’s a little too…fuck - is he the siren? FUCKING HELL. As I puke while they flirt, she tells Sam the blood is gone.
At the strip club, Dean and Hoyt drink on the job, which is ya know, illegal - might have tipped you off there Dean and they trade music trivia - again - too OBVIOUS Dean. And then he totally gives Dean evidence that would lead back to the doctor, who seriously, if she isn’t a siren? She should be. I don’t like her. WHY ARE NONE OF THE CHICKS EVER LIKABLE? Unless they’re like…EVIL like Meg!? UGH.
I’m totally skipping this scene with Sam and the bitch because it really has no value whatsoever, except when she asked if Sam had ever had a relationship where he loved someone but wanted to bash their heads in - and of course, I immediately think Dean. They drink on the job too. They yammer about people changing and…are we supposed to apply this to Sam and Dean’s relationship? That Sam has changed and that’s ok? Ugh. Make out on someone else’s time bitches. Seriously - BLINDS ARE OPEN PEOPLE.
Sam gets back to the motel and calls Dean. Seriously - Sam’s turned into a total slut! Sorry. *ahem* They talk about the flowers and then Dean’s all “Did you sleep with her?” Because SERIOUSLY SAM YOU HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH DEAN! And the Sharon Stone comment WAS rather amusing. Sam insists she is not the siren, Dean is not convinced and decides Sam is not to be trusted and must do this on his own. Sam’s mad. Dean calls Hoyt.
Hoyt finds the doctor and he and Dean bond over alcohol and trust issues. Turns out the venom is contracted through saliva and since Dean just shared his alcohol with Hoyt, he’s fucked. Hoyt starts the mojo and…now Dean is all “Yeah” to killing Sammy. I’m…slightly confused now. Is the Siren then…like…asexual? Like a shifter? I mean, I’m reading way more into this that is necessary and picking out the ways that Dean and Sam are totally gay for each other…but…yeah. My brain hurts so much right now I can’t really answer that question, so I’m just gonna assume it’s asexual as it’s already canon that Dean and Sam are gay for each other.
Sam returns to the motel…again…as…he must have left for some reason…before. Like…why did he leave the motel? To visit Ruby? To get a blowjob from the doctor? To get a Coke? What? At any rate, Hoyt is there as is Dean, who grabs Sam’s ass, I mean grabs him from behind and is not holding him at knifepoint. Sam tells Hoyt he’s a butt-ugly stripper but Hoyt points out that it got him Dean. Sam tries to reason with Dean - that he should let him go, but for the moment, Dean’s under Hoyt’s spell. Hoyt tells Sam that Dean needs a little brother he can trust, one that looks up to him and BAM dude, Hoyt is totally correct in that column. Hoyt says watching someone kill for you is the best feeling in the world. And…uhm…I mean, you’re a monster Hoyt, but the boys already have that - as they have both killed for each other. Just not in pleasure. Hoyt gets bored but loves falling in love and Sam says he’s a pathetic, needy loser. Then he spits on him. And tells them to go at it and whoever the winner is gets to be with him. Well what a deal!
Dean says that the Sam he knew is gone - and he doesn’t know if it happened when he was in hell or right in front of him, but it’s all the little stuff - lies, secrets. They used to be in this together, have each other’s backs. Sam says they’re going after Lilith and he didn’t tell him because he’s too weak to go after her. He’s holding Sam back - he’s a better hunter, stronger and smarter and can go after demons Dean’s too scared to go near because Dean’s too busy sitting around feeling sorry for himself, whining about all the souls he tortured in hell. Wow. Low blow Sammy. They duke it out - like brothers should - like they should have done like four seasons ago for Christ’s sake - just DO this now and then and then fucking HUG and you’d have no issues boys - this is what brothers DO. Then they fuck in the bed. *ahem* Sam says Dean’s not going to stand in his way anymore. Dean kicks his ass through the door - literally - launches himself and knocks Sam and door right down. Damn, that was pretty awesome. He gets an axe out from the wall - which…seriously - have those things EVER been used for anything other than situations like this? I’ve never seen a fireman use those. Anyway - he’s about to axe Sammy, then Bobby comes and saves the day, grabs the axe and stabs Dean, throwing the knife into Hoyt’s back. That rocked Bobby! GO TEAM BOBBY!
>>Shameless Friday the 13th commercial plug.<<
Bobby also brought beer. We love Bobby. Oh wait, it’s soda. HAHAHA BOBBY YOU ROCK. He basically tells them in less words than anyone else that they are in fact galactically stupid and that he’s worried about them all in one fell swoop. Bobby is love people. And also comforts them too. Aww Bobby.
OH MY GOD.
THEY DID NOT SERIOUSLY JUST END THIS EPISODE LIKE THAT. I…THEY…WHAT…THERE’S…I…CAN’T…BELIEVE…FUCK YOU KRIPKE. FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
WHERE IS THE RESOLUTION? I’M GOOD - YOU GOOD? YEAH I’M GOOD. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU THROW OUT ALL THE GODDAMN ISSUES AND JUST DROP THEM LIKE THE FUCKING ATOMIC BOMB AND THEN JUST LET THE CARNAGE BURN? YOU HAVE NO DISCUSSION ABOUT ANYTHING BEYOND ‘WOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT?!??!??!!?!?!??!?!???!’ NO APOLOGIES? EXPLANATIONS? I CAN’T EVEN EXPRESS MY ANGER PROPERLY AT THE COMPLETE INJUSTICE OF THAT SCENE. YOU TOOK (A-FUCKING-GAIN) A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO RESOLVE THINGS - TO ACTUALLY GET THEM ON TRACK TO A SOMEWHAT NORMAL AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND YOU FUCKING BLEW IT AGAIN. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT EVEN FATHOM THE ABSURDITY OF HAVING A WHOLE EPISODE LIKE THIS AND THEN FUCKING IT OVER AT THE END.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I GIVE UP!