It's been a while since I've updated...
So then.
Yeah.
Life really hasn't been that bad, in general. My apartment is coming along nicely, starting to get settled in. It actually looks like a home almost. It makes me feel happy and old and young all at the same time. Because, it's mine. I pay for it, I'm like this grown up person now with a job, and an apartment, and bills... and I still feel like a child playing grown up. I guess it has to do, in part, to growing up without much of a childhood: but it's not that I'm just re-living adolescence or anything like that, because I pretty much act like a grown up. When will I get to the point where I feel honestly like an adult? And is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Too many older people have lost their appreciation of beauty. Is the fact that, despite everything I've gone through, I still retain a tiny bit of childlike wonder every time I see something beautiful a testimony to my personality or just that I need to grow up? Maybe it's a good thing that a pretty sky as the backdrop for a v of geese still makes my heart ache, maybe it has less to do with being juvenile and more to do with being alive?
So what a bunch of rambling nonsense, eh?
I still feel lost. I miss being able to connect with someone, and I think I'm starting to miss having an audience for my writing. I've decided it's not so much the lack of a muse as lack of a goal. Writing is the only thing I've ever really been good at, so to hear affirmation of that is like getting approval for being me. I feel less worthless. I've reverted a lot since moving out of the house on Spruce St. It's very tough having to re-assimilate myself with a whole group of people, getting to know so many people and places. I miss my ka-tet. I miss not having to say anything unless I really want to, and not having to deal with anything. I guess I'm just lazy. And the people I've been hanging out with are cool...
The other day I was talking to a friend, just a general chat, not even anything too drastically important, and I got scared. Like, I felt like someone was forcing me to watch that evil Cheshire Cat or something. It wasn't anything too horrible, I'm starting to think it's just my way of keeping out of harm's way any more than strictly necessary. I literally had a mild panic attack, just trying to keep up a conversation... At first I blamed it on him, but it isn't ANYTHING I can put my finger on. It's gotta be in my head. I am so completely terrified of trusting people that I think when I start to get even close, my subconscious starts back-peddling as quickly as possible. I'm completely incapable of being friends with anyone in a meaningful way. I will give and give and give but it's so damn hard to take anything in return, and I think that holds me back from being the best friend that I can be... in Jack Lewis's book The Four Loves, he talks about Affection in terms of Need-love and Gift-love. One is taking, the other giving, obviously. But he also notes that the both are irrevocably entwined, because Need love gives itself to others freely, in order to be appreciated; and Gift love needs to be needed, or looses its function entirely. So. Anyway.
I wish I had someone to talk to about stuff like this.
I wish I could talk to someone like this without choking up and changing the subject. I've gotten far too good at mumbling something intelligible, and bringing up something else.
So that is my life, or something like it...
Yeah.
Life really hasn't been that bad, in general. My apartment is coming along nicely, starting to get settled in. It actually looks like a home almost. It makes me feel happy and old and young all at the same time. Because, it's mine. I pay for it, I'm like this grown up person now with a job, and an apartment, and bills... and I still feel like a child playing grown up. I guess it has to do, in part, to growing up without much of a childhood: but it's not that I'm just re-living adolescence or anything like that, because I pretty much act like a grown up. When will I get to the point where I feel honestly like an adult? And is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Too many older people have lost their appreciation of beauty. Is the fact that, despite everything I've gone through, I still retain a tiny bit of childlike wonder every time I see something beautiful a testimony to my personality or just that I need to grow up? Maybe it's a good thing that a pretty sky as the backdrop for a v of geese still makes my heart ache, maybe it has less to do with being juvenile and more to do with being alive?
So what a bunch of rambling nonsense, eh?
I still feel lost. I miss being able to connect with someone, and I think I'm starting to miss having an audience for my writing. I've decided it's not so much the lack of a muse as lack of a goal. Writing is the only thing I've ever really been good at, so to hear affirmation of that is like getting approval for being me. I feel less worthless. I've reverted a lot since moving out of the house on Spruce St. It's very tough having to re-assimilate myself with a whole group of people, getting to know so many people and places. I miss my ka-tet. I miss not having to say anything unless I really want to, and not having to deal with anything. I guess I'm just lazy. And the people I've been hanging out with are cool...
The other day I was talking to a friend, just a general chat, not even anything too drastically important, and I got scared. Like, I felt like someone was forcing me to watch that evil Cheshire Cat or something. It wasn't anything too horrible, I'm starting to think it's just my way of keeping out of harm's way any more than strictly necessary. I literally had a mild panic attack, just trying to keep up a conversation... At first I blamed it on him, but it isn't ANYTHING I can put my finger on. It's gotta be in my head. I am so completely terrified of trusting people that I think when I start to get even close, my subconscious starts back-peddling as quickly as possible. I'm completely incapable of being friends with anyone in a meaningful way. I will give and give and give but it's so damn hard to take anything in return, and I think that holds me back from being the best friend that I can be... in Jack Lewis's book The Four Loves, he talks about Affection in terms of Need-love and Gift-love. One is taking, the other giving, obviously. But he also notes that the both are irrevocably entwined, because Need love gives itself to others freely, in order to be appreciated; and Gift love needs to be needed, or looses its function entirely. So. Anyway.
I wish I had someone to talk to about stuff like this.
I wish I could talk to someone like this without choking up and changing the subject. I've gotten far too good at mumbling something intelligible, and bringing up something else.
So that is my life, or something like it...