This is what I'm missing...
I wish I could meet people that understand me. I wish there was a hall that extended on forever. There would be a door with a big palm tree on it, and that would be mine. I would open it and there would be people in there that were a lot like me, they would understand me before I even opened my mouth to tell them my name. They would just already know, and accept. They would just embrace me, and help me get through life. There would be people to surround me and protect me. They would hold my hand, and lie beside me each night until I fell asleep, they would study with me until I understood everything. They would kiss me, and keep me warm. They would never leave me. Ever. They would do nice things for me, and would let me do nice things for them. And when there was a song that touched me, they would listen to it, and it would touch them the exact same way. We would look at each other and just hug forever. Never stop. I just want this stuff. I don't care who it is from. I really don't, as long as it is sincere. Because there is nothing worse than people pretending to care about me, unless of course, no one at all. I suppose being alone is worse. I'm not strong enough to be alone. One day, I want to be happy, total and complete. I want to read my journals and believe them to be stories, and not reality, I want to be so happy that I forget everything that ever made me sad. I just want to forget some things. Put them behind me, and start new. I've never been so lonely in my life. Never. I'm so far away from any sort of real happiness. I need to find someone, at least one person that can fulfill my empty body with love, and warmth, and deep compassion, because I have none. I thought college would change my life, I thought I would find someone, anyone, that would love me for me, and care for me, as I care for them, but life hasn't changed, its just been interrupted by brief smiles and flashes of what I could have, but will never have. Being surrounded by the people that I am surrounded by right now is only a taste of the life I want to live. I see from them, the things that I want, and that is simply living peace, and being happy no matter what you are doing. I am not happy, even doing the things that I am so passionate about. I'm content as of right now, and that is only because I'm emerged in a fantasy, brought on by this amazing song I'm obsessed with right now. I'm imaging myself blindfolded, hand in hand with someone who is also blindfolded, and we are listening to this song, and we are enchanted. Because I don't think I will ever find someone that can feel the same way I do about this song. No one. I'm like this with a lot of music, but this is an example. My dreamland is a place larger than our universe, its where I am every night before I fall asleep, while I'm asleep and various times throughout the day.. wasting away the hours pretending to be somewhere else, with someone else, places I've never been, and people I will never meet. I'm not expecting to change this any time soon, so I guess I should just absorb those brief smiles and try to make them last all week, each week, until I find happiness. That's what I'll do. I won't be successful, but hell, I'll keep you posted. Whoever.. (you) are.