(no subject)
I am addicted to other people's pain through empathetic connection. Yes, this doesn't make any sense and yet... I gravitate towards people that are in pain, cause pain or just have a gloomy disposition in general. Also brainy, I like brainy people.
I am starved for sharing affection with someone else. Affection mingled with desire, guilt, all the good stuff.
I am not unhappy. I am just very observant of my feelings.
I am the center of my life for the first time without guilt and I love it. I know it won't be enough forever but for now.
I am like an ex-smoker that mingles by the ashtrays to catch a bit of second-hand smoke. That is, as an empath, how I relate to other people's pain.
My obsession with being a martyr or saving anyone or everyone has ended. I still have that addiction though. Can't take it out of me.
I want to be moved in any way ... if by tragedy, intellect, beauty or pain. Always chasing that thrill, the sleepless moments, the burn of anguish in my chest, the angst, the myrriad of images blurring in and out of consciousness, it makes me feel alive. Is happyness or the elation felt in the pursuit of happyness ever going to be able to satiate this desire to quench that hunger...? To replace it all entirely? That remains to be seen.