me, myself and I
A week ago I was sitting at the breakfast table of my friend and colleague Sabina, having breakfast with her, her husband and their two kids (8 and 11 years old). Her gym had a special offer so I drove the half hour to Neckargemünd to enjoy sweating with her. Afterwards I had a shower at her house andwe sat down at the table to have breakfast with everyone. I was sitting there watching her and Uli, her husband, talking to their kids, negotiating about nap-time, homework and whether or not the girl could bake shortbreads before going to a friend's house.
I started watching the scene in front of me, and for a moment, time stood still and for the first time in my life I realized that I may be ready to have a family of my own. I realized that I am 26 now and I tried remembering what I was doing at 16. Looking back, I remember exactly what I was like 10 years ago. Never in my life had I thought that ten yeras later, I'd be sitting at a random dining room table with this beautiful little family at this point in my life - finished with studies, having a respectable degree and working at a fairly renouned school for handicapped children and young adults.
What happened these last 10 years? Did I really live this life? How did I get here?
Am I this person sitting here or did I get lost on the wayx and am just beginning to find my way back?
I used to be self-destructive I used to be a bully, I used to beat people up, I used to beat myself up. I used to take drugs every day and enjoy it. I used to enjoy it SO MUCH.
But I moved on from it all.
Where will I be in ten years? Will I have my own dining room table and a boy and a girl or maybe 4? Will they love me, when I know that my love for them will be more overwhelming than anything I will ever feel? Or will I be single and content with whatever God has given me?
Either way would be alright. In this life we get what is coming for us, what is meant to be.
I used to be eager to know what will happen in the future. Not just eager, but desperate, as if knowing what will happen or how one thing will turn out, would help me prepare for whatever pain was coming to me. I don't have the desire to fast-forward my life anymore. I am just glad to be alive really. I do want to feel close to someone, I do want to love someone, but if that never really happens, if I am destined to love only myself for the rest of my life, I suppose I could try to make the best of it. I used to be very hard on myself, and I still am, but I think I deserve to respect myself even if it means distancing myself from certain people.
How can I love anyone, my family, my colleagues, my students, my job, if I don't love myself?
How can I be good to anyone, if I think I am less than dirt? No one can make me feel better about myself and it's not their job. No one can love the parts about me that I can't accept myself.
I am a (recovering) love-addict.There, I said it, I am a love-addict and I hate it.
I am addicted to other peoples opinions about me, feelings (good or bad) that they have towards me and I measure my selfworth by them. But I don't want to anymore. I want to be good to myself and have my own back. I want to be my best friend.
"I want to break free."