Subject: Back Dated Journal Post #8
Monday, October 24, 2011
For the first time in years I feel like I’m going insane. Just when I thought I was accustomed to all the weird stuff something new I’ve never experienced happens and sends me for a loop. I’ve been dreaming a lot. I had lots of dreams when I was younger but the past few years I haven’t had more then two or three dreams that I can remember. Now, all of a sudden, I’m dreaming nearly every time I fall asleep. Most are very vivid with full story lines. At least two of them were of the quality where I think I may turn them into short stories.
One interesting thing I’m noticing is that I’m dreaming about being a fox again. When I was younger I would dream about coyotes coming after me at night to rip me apart. I had the dream many times as a teenager and it really freaked me out. Then one night the dream changed and instead of coyotes there were foxes coming after me. After that fox dream I simply stopped dreaming for a while. During the gap between then and now I remember having one dream where I was a fox, but that’s the only one I can really remember. Now I’m dreaming again and I’m having more dreams about being a fox.
But here’s the part that makes me think I’m going nuts as it were… In the last fox dream, which I just had yesterday night, I was a fox again and I met a female ermine. I won’t go into the whole dream unless asked, as it had content I found a bit disturbing, but towards the end of the dream I was having a normal conversation with the ermine, who’s name was Cindy, and I woke up abruptly in the middle of the conversation but the conversation kept going on.
We were talking about a web comic I had been writing until recently. I was telling Cindy that I had stopped and left the comic unfinished because it was just terrible. She had asked me something. I answered. She replied. Then I woke up suddenly and blurred out my reply to what Cindy had just said in the dream. Then Cindy answered me. I was awake now but Cindy was still talking to me and about the same thing. It was as if she had followed me out of the dream.
Cindy was not any alter I had ever been aware of. I had only just met her for the first time in that dream. Then there I am awake and I’m talking to her just like I would with any other alter who was feeling chatty. She stayed with me all day yesterday and is still with me today. As I write this she is giggling at me because she finds it funny that I am getting so worked up over something like this. She doesn’t understand the problem.
I don’t understand this myself. I mean, how does something like this even happen? Do things like this happen to other people with DID I ask myself? I’ve read a lot of other people’s accounts on living with this condition, but I’ve never come across a story like this one. I did read somewhere that every case of DID was as individualized as a fingerprint, and that now two were exactly alike, but even still… I had a talking ermine follow me out of a dream. I’m finding it unsettling. I’m having flashbacks of waking up that morning all those years ago and saying, “oh, I’m a dragon,” and all the pain that caused. It makes me question if I really an DID or if I’m just having some kind of huge psychotic delusion?
For the first time in years I feel like I’m going insane. Just when I thought I was accustomed to all the weird stuff something new I’ve never experienced happens and sends me for a loop. I’ve been dreaming a lot. I had lots of dreams when I was younger but the past few years I haven’t had more then two or three dreams that I can remember. Now, all of a sudden, I’m dreaming nearly every time I fall asleep. Most are very vivid with full story lines. At least two of them were of the quality where I think I may turn them into short stories.
One interesting thing I’m noticing is that I’m dreaming about being a fox again. When I was younger I would dream about coyotes coming after me at night to rip me apart. I had the dream many times as a teenager and it really freaked me out. Then one night the dream changed and instead of coyotes there were foxes coming after me. After that fox dream I simply stopped dreaming for a while. During the gap between then and now I remember having one dream where I was a fox, but that’s the only one I can really remember. Now I’m dreaming again and I’m having more dreams about being a fox.
But here’s the part that makes me think I’m going nuts as it were… In the last fox dream, which I just had yesterday night, I was a fox again and I met a female ermine. I won’t go into the whole dream unless asked, as it had content I found a bit disturbing, but towards the end of the dream I was having a normal conversation with the ermine, who’s name was Cindy, and I woke up abruptly in the middle of the conversation but the conversation kept going on.
We were talking about a web comic I had been writing until recently. I was telling Cindy that I had stopped and left the comic unfinished because it was just terrible. She had asked me something. I answered. She replied. Then I woke up suddenly and blurred out my reply to what Cindy had just said in the dream. Then Cindy answered me. I was awake now but Cindy was still talking to me and about the same thing. It was as if she had followed me out of the dream.
Cindy was not any alter I had ever been aware of. I had only just met her for the first time in that dream. Then there I am awake and I’m talking to her just like I would with any other alter who was feeling chatty. She stayed with me all day yesterday and is still with me today. As I write this she is giggling at me because she finds it funny that I am getting so worked up over something like this. She doesn’t understand the problem.
I don’t understand this myself. I mean, how does something like this even happen? Do things like this happen to other people with DID I ask myself? I’ve read a lot of other people’s accounts on living with this condition, but I’ve never come across a story like this one. I did read somewhere that every case of DID was as individualized as a fingerprint, and that now two were exactly alike, but even still… I had a talking ermine follow me out of a dream. I’m finding it unsettling. I’m having flashbacks of waking up that morning all those years ago and saying, “oh, I’m a dragon,” and all the pain that caused. It makes me question if I really an DID or if I’m just having some kind of huge psychotic delusion?