Why do I always do this???
Most of you will know what I'm talking about...
You meet someone and you just know you're going to click with them, and you do. You feel it down to your soul. Doesn't matter if it's male or female. You just click. And you know they feel it too. Things are intense for awhile and then, suddenly, the other person puts up this wall between you and won't tell you why... but you can feel why, or some of the reasons why... and you know it's going to happen every time you feel that instant connection... like the other person just can't handle it... so you try to keep yourself in check the next time that soul-shaking click comes along... but you just fall into the flow anyway and up goes yet another wall... sometimes they come down, most of the time they don't and you're left wondering what might have been...
This is bothering me lately because a few people from my past have circled around again and I'm not sure what to do. I long to go see if the wall is still built, or if, perhaps, it's crumbled a little over the years... I also have one newer person in my life that I can feel that wall being built, and I don't want it to be completed... I can't take losing another friend again...
I know why the wall went up between SL and I... we were too much alike... feelings were too intense all around for both of us... and I tried to just deal with it all head-on. He wanted to ignore it all. Niether way worked and it's been silent between us for about 5 years or so now... I still think of him... I still miss him... and now, he's back in the area teaching again... I want so much to see him... to see if we can try again now that so much time has passed... but I don't know... the last time I tried to see him (about 2 years after the wall went up) he just acted as though I wasn't there... but I could feel him still... he wanted to talk with me, but wasn't sure he could handle the emotions... so the wall stayed up...
As for the newer person... I've known JH for a little over a year now... and he and I clicked quickly... he's jaded, I called him on it, he admitted it, we get along well. He used to come around me a lot just to make small talk, now, not so much. For awhile I thought it was me, then I wasn't so sure... I finally pulled him aside one night and asked him, he said it's not me, just all the bullshit at work... he apologized for the way he'd been acting (or not acting) toward me. Now we talk a little here and there, but he's still got a lot on his mind. Back before Christmas, he and I actually managed to have the first decent conversation in a long time. We learned we have more in common than we first thought (or admitted to). He beleives in much the same things I do (there was that click again) and it felt so comfortable and so good just talking with him. But I feel that wall going up again... I know he's afraid to get close to people (his ex-wife burned him bad), but I hate that it always seems to come down to that reaction with people I get close to... that damned wall goes up...
I really like JH... I would love to pick his mind more about different things... want to expand the conversation deeper about things we already brought up (he believes in ghosts, the possibility of magick, etc.)... he knows I can feel him... he's tested me a few times to see how good I am... I told him something that made him laugh in a good way... I had told him that "I can be upstairs by the bar, you could walk in the front door and I just know you're here, and I can tell what kind of mood you're in without even seeing you... and I'm usually right." That's what made him test me a few times... hence when the wall started to be built again...
And no matter what I do or don't do, the damned wall goes up. Meaning, whether I fight to keep it from going up or just let whatever happens happen, the wall goes up. I hate it!!! But what do I do about it???
I feel a connection to JH, and I know he feels it too... it's almost as strong a connection as SL was, but the emotions aren't as high with JH... and I don't like the idea of letting go of yet another person I care about...
Some days I really hate being an empath... some days, I just really hate being myself... blah!!!
You meet someone and you just know you're going to click with them, and you do. You feel it down to your soul. Doesn't matter if it's male or female. You just click. And you know they feel it too. Things are intense for awhile and then, suddenly, the other person puts up this wall between you and won't tell you why... but you can feel why, or some of the reasons why... and you know it's going to happen every time you feel that instant connection... like the other person just can't handle it... so you try to keep yourself in check the next time that soul-shaking click comes along... but you just fall into the flow anyway and up goes yet another wall... sometimes they come down, most of the time they don't and you're left wondering what might have been...
This is bothering me lately because a few people from my past have circled around again and I'm not sure what to do. I long to go see if the wall is still built, or if, perhaps, it's crumbled a little over the years... I also have one newer person in my life that I can feel that wall being built, and I don't want it to be completed... I can't take losing another friend again...
I know why the wall went up between SL and I... we were too much alike... feelings were too intense all around for both of us... and I tried to just deal with it all head-on. He wanted to ignore it all. Niether way worked and it's been silent between us for about 5 years or so now... I still think of him... I still miss him... and now, he's back in the area teaching again... I want so much to see him... to see if we can try again now that so much time has passed... but I don't know... the last time I tried to see him (about 2 years after the wall went up) he just acted as though I wasn't there... but I could feel him still... he wanted to talk with me, but wasn't sure he could handle the emotions... so the wall stayed up...
As for the newer person... I've known JH for a little over a year now... and he and I clicked quickly... he's jaded, I called him on it, he admitted it, we get along well. He used to come around me a lot just to make small talk, now, not so much. For awhile I thought it was me, then I wasn't so sure... I finally pulled him aside one night and asked him, he said it's not me, just all the bullshit at work... he apologized for the way he'd been acting (or not acting) toward me. Now we talk a little here and there, but he's still got a lot on his mind. Back before Christmas, he and I actually managed to have the first decent conversation in a long time. We learned we have more in common than we first thought (or admitted to). He beleives in much the same things I do (there was that click again) and it felt so comfortable and so good just talking with him. But I feel that wall going up again... I know he's afraid to get close to people (his ex-wife burned him bad), but I hate that it always seems to come down to that reaction with people I get close to... that damned wall goes up...
I really like JH... I would love to pick his mind more about different things... want to expand the conversation deeper about things we already brought up (he believes in ghosts, the possibility of magick, etc.)... he knows I can feel him... he's tested me a few times to see how good I am... I told him something that made him laugh in a good way... I had told him that "I can be upstairs by the bar, you could walk in the front door and I just know you're here, and I can tell what kind of mood you're in without even seeing you... and I'm usually right." That's what made him test me a few times... hence when the wall started to be built again...
And no matter what I do or don't do, the damned wall goes up. Meaning, whether I fight to keep it from going up or just let whatever happens happen, the wall goes up. I hate it!!! But what do I do about it???
I feel a connection to JH, and I know he feels it too... it's almost as strong a connection as SL was, but the emotions aren't as high with JH... and I don't like the idea of letting go of yet another person I care about...
Some days I really hate being an empath... some days, I just really hate being myself... blah!!!