Private to Londo Mollari
Dear Londo,
For the longest time I haven't known if I would respond to this, or how I would respond if I did. But I've had some time to think since I left Vir's party, and... This may take some time to explain, so I hope you can bear with me.
I might have been able to sort out my feelings in regards to your proposal, if what happened with G'Kar hadn't happened right then. I withdrew because I didn't feel it was my place to stay, and yes, because G'Kar's words upset me. They upset me very much.
I would have liked the chance to explain more than I did that night. There were things I should have said to you before, that I didn't. I don't know why I didn't say them- Part of it, I suppose, is that I have been taught to keep secrets. Many of them are necessary, a lot of the rest have been necessary in the past, and will be again, I think. Which is no excuse, except that the full and honest story relates directly to those secrets.
You know I'm human, and that I have what I suppose you'd call the human notion of love. I'm sure it's as strange and different to you as the Centauri ideas of it are to me. Which is, again, no excuse for the things I didn't explain, but... It never seemed the right time, and I... I was having fun. I enjoyed your company, I enjoyed having someone to commensurate with about Morden. It had been so long since I'd made a friend... And yes, maybe I did return the flirting in kind when I shouldn't have...
When I said "no" that night, I didn't say it because I dislike you, or because you are Centauri, or even because I believe what my friends have told me about you. I said no because I'm in love with someone else, because he would be very hurt if I went off to become an Empress. Because it would hurt me so much to leave me behind.
I love Galen. Say what you will- and you might have the right to say quite a few things; I know better than anyone what he can be like. But he has been good to me. He helped me when no one else thought that I could be helped, when the others turned away, ashamed and afraid, refusing even to try. He brought me back to myself, not to what I had been before the Shadows, but...
I would like to thank you for your trust in me, for trusting me enough even after what happened, not knowing if I am still speaking to you, to tell me about your death vision. I can only repay that trust with a confidence of my own, one I hope that you will keep.
There was only one way for Galen to save me. What Morden told you about the technomages... It was true. It is one of our greatest secrets, and our secret shame. I'll spare you the technical details, but suffice it to say that the implants the Shadows gifted me with were designed to control me. The tools are the technomages are meant to grant control. It's a double-edged sword, but what gift of power isn't?
I am a technomage, Londo.
I had my reasons for keeping this to myself, the first of them being that secrecy is a great part of the mages' code. Becoming a mage was not easy- it is not easy for anyone, and it was harder for me because of what I had come from- and it was not without its risks. I accepted those risks because I had nothing left to lose.
I have a lot to lose now. The people who have become my family, and my friends... and I hope that despite all of this, we are still friends. I understand your history with the mages, though, and if you want nothing more to do with me after this, I will understand why.
And as if this all doesn't complicate things enough, I was- I am- still married to John. If I were Centauri, this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm not, and it is. John and I are getting divorced. We're different people leading different lives now. I'm telling you this because I want you to understand why I said no.
You didn't have to explain anything about G'Kar, and you certainly don't have to apologize for him. What is between you and him is simply that, and I have no right to an explanation. As I said, I stepped aside because what happened that night- the shouting, and all of the rest- was not really about me.
But at the same time, I have to tell you that I don't think I can so easily forgive G'Kar. Perhaps he didn't mean what he said, or understand what the words would mean to me. But he said them. He said them, and I heard them, and I can't lightly set that aside. I wish I could, but I can't. I have, despite the healing that has taken place, some very tender old wounds, and G'Kar reopened most of them that night.
I refuse, however, to accept that you are to blame for what he said. G'Kar is a grown person, and like all of us he has to take responsibility for his actions.
You- and he- might have found me a more forgiving person before I was remade by the Shadows, but too much has happened, and I am not that woman anymore. I almost wish that I was.
I'm sorry. I wanted to explain, and in the end I don't know if I have done anything but confuse the issues more.
If you're willing, I would like to continue our friendship, but if for whatever reason you don't think that's possible... I will understand.
Love,
Regards,
Love,
Anna