I'm starting to re-think Prohibition
Everyone has seen the classic slapstick routine in which a carpenter in a hurry places his workpiece on a table and saws through both workpiece and table. I have to concede that I've done something similarly ill-conceived. I won't concede that I may have done it more than once, but neither will I deny it.
Recently we had a visitor who had a similar experience. Of course since I'm talking about this it wasn't a table through which he sawed.
Alcohol is the source of many humorous anecdotes. Who can forget the redneck's famous last words: "Hey, hold my beer and watch this!" In my time in the ER I noticed that the vast majority of hysterical visits involved at least one individual who had imbibed entirely too much. The inebriated weren't always the patients, but usually they were. Usually they were also men, but not always.
Sadly, there exist in this world people who imbibe entirely too much entirely too frequently. Beyond a point (usually the point at which a person awakens in the morning or early afternoon still legally drunk and immediately begins re-establishing his or her blood-alcohol content) alcohol begins to replace some neurotransmitters. No matter how long this rate of consumption continues there is the simple fact that even a single drink brings with it some level of impairment, and even with an epic tolerance drunk is still drunk, impaired is still impaired, and stupid is still stupid. If the individual in this condition at any time allows the alcohol in their blood to drop below a certain level nerve impulses no longer propagate across synapses, and the person becomes nauseated, irritable, and uncoordinated (yes, even more than they were when they were drunk). They begin shaking uncontrollably and hallucinating. De-toxing from alcohol addiction takes a few days, and is one of the few withdrawls that can result in death if not carefully controlled.
At a case of beer a day consumption had become compulsory. At a case of beer a day there is no such thing as a good idea.
Harkening to a recently remembered slapstick routine but lacking a table this fine gentleman placed a plank across his thigh, measured twice, and cut once. The tool of choice had been a fine labor saving device with a handy little button that locked back the trigger (because holding a trigger as a circular saw cuts through a piece of wood is clearly too much effort).
I've seen gruesome wounds before. I've seen gruesome self-inflicted injuries. Never before however have I seen someone successfully saw completely through his or her own femur (or any other long-bone for that matter). The severed femoral artery and nerve were just bonuses.
Luckily human physiology favors a wound that is torn instead of incised. Blood vessels when cut with a sharp implement just bleed, but tearing stretches the walls of the artery or vein, and when it snaps back to its original shape the newly damaged tissue retracts back on itself significantly reducing the diameter of the vessel so that less blood can run free in the same amount of time. Luckily also if a person survives to reach an ER they have a 98% chance of survival.
This would normally be the point at which I would say "I can't make this stuff up." Evidently however my imagination has gotten much better.