Walmart: 12:00pm
While doing a line of cocaine off the back of a dead hooker, the board of Walmart decided to have their stores open 24 hours a day for the holidays.
Expecting no one to be there at 12:00am, the Vargas family decided to go Walmart to see how it would be at the middle of the night.
Apparently, the whole neighborhood also thought this would be a good idea...
Walmart: The Twilight Hour
I don't know what the Manager of the Walmart said to motivate his employees, but I imagine it went something like this:
Manager of McDonalds:
There are only 3 of us on this day of Christmas weekend.
At the stroke of midnight we will see a tsunami of people,
sleep and exhausted, looking for the perfect gift.
They will be hungry. They will desire love, happiness,
passion, and most of all food. And we shall give it to them!
12 year old slave:
But there are so many of them! We can't possibly win!
Manager of McDonalds, attached to Walmart
Of really! It so happens I can piss pop from my noise,
And shoot Happy Meals from my ass!
So long as you stay by me, we can survive.
Together we live! Divided we fall!
10 year old burger boy:
This job SUCKS!
THE Manager of McDonalds
I was once just like you. I had dreams, idea's that
this job was a temporary job. But it was a fools dream.
Once in McDonalds, always in McDonalds.
I am now 35 years old. I have sideburns and glasses
that were cool in the 70's. I've only had sex from
ugly diseased male prostitutes. In fact, I live in my
parents garage because I can barely pay off my
World of Warcraft bills.
Every night, I try to kill myself. I think about it all the time.
I look at my plastic fork and try to slit my wrists.
But they are too cheap to cut the flesh and they break!
I scream *WHY GOD, WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE!"
And a voice says back to me "BECAUSE HELL IS TOO
GOOD FOR YOU!"
Acme Boy of Doom
So why not quit?!
The Incredible Screw on Manager of McDonalds!
Because right now, the 1000 nations of the Canadian
Empire descends on us! They treat us like slaves!
I say we give them the shittiest service ever!
Spit in their rat burgers, throw homeless men into
the soylent specials, and piss in every soft drink we sell!
Tonight we serve in hell, so lets make them all PAY!
Inability to follow basic rules
So imagine for a moment. You are going to Walmart at 12:30am at night. You need to buy a lot of gifts because you were too lazy to buy them over the last 2 weeks. Do you try and make life easier for the poor Walmart Employees?
No... These guys decided to work a night shift at Walmart. Obviously they are below the idiots with money who need gifts now! This is what people do
- You know those tills that are there for just electronics or shoes. Imagine that, only now people are there with baby powders, play boys, and Ice Cream. Those lines were LONG.
- It was a shoplifters paradise. 1 security guard, skeleton staff, and huge crowds. I swear many dollar stores shelves were filled today with things lifted from there.
- Block the lanes. Like there was this annoying jerk with a weird accent who kept blabbing with his Greek friend and just blocked up the whole pass. It took 10 minutes for them to take a hint that people can't move through solids.
An interesting way of saying Merry Christmas.
Even at the final moments, no one knows what to get someone.
Walmart is filled with everything. If there is something that a poor 3rd world country kid can make, Walmart has it, yet no one can decide on anything.
I'd like to think that there is simply too much choice. That we can't decide between giving them a lightsabre or a phaser. But the reality is either A) They have it. B) Its not your price range. or C) Nothing they'd like is in a Walmart.
Everyone goes to Walmart, meaning that odds are that they already bought what they wanted from it. And even if they didn't, stuff in Walmart just doesn't make nice gifts. Getting cloths when your a kid stinks (Walmart is 50% cloths). The toy section is lame from when we were kids. When I was a kid, our Troll dolls had little Gems that could grant you wishes. Now, those Troll dolls have no gems... they're ugly pieces of plastic with a funky hair doo. And the board games are just as lame when you were a kid. And electronics are, and always will be, expen$ive.
The truth of a giving a good gift is the thought it counts. No one is going to remember you gave them $20.00 for their birthday. But they will remember gifts where they are longingly staring at this white dress they can't afford. So you go and buy that dress for Christmas. They open it up, love it to death, then never speak to you again because you overstepped the boundary of friendship and are a creepy bastard for knowing their measurements. But they will remember that gift... forever.
That manager must really hate his life
The Manager: Fear not men! The 3 wise homelessmen fortold that we cannot be defeated unless the electronics section moves to the pharmacy!
Acme Boy: Sir! The gas from our customers is too strong!
Manager of McDonalds: Gas does not concern me...
Acme Boy: But its blocking out the light!
THE Manager of McDonalds: THEN WE'LL COOK IN THE SHADE!
Annoying Customer: Hey! I asked for you to hold the pickles. This is madness!
Manager of M-D: Madness... THIS IS MCDONALDS!
*Punches the Customer's Lights Out*
Everyone is there
The church is loosing its members, work and school suck, and the internet is reserved for people with no life. How can we all come together and socialize as a community? Become one with each other?
Walmart
We all came with a common purpose. We all shared that experience. The spirit of Adam Smith flowed through us.
And people were saying Merry Christmas rather then that retarded "Happy Holidays" crap they were spouting for the last 5 years.
Hell I saw 2 friends there and my sister talked half the time away on her cell with her friend that thought the whole thing was incredible. We were united, there, and it felt good.
I swear, Saturday December 23, 2007, should be made "Walmart Party Day". The deal is we all go to Walmart at 11:59pm. Wait for Christmas Eve to come in, shout Merry Christmas, and then party at Walmart like it was 1999 again. It would be brilliant.
Auto Check-Outs have their limits
Ever since that Auto Check-Out things have come in, people laughed that it was the end of Walmart employees. One day, robots would handle all of our fast food and Walmart crap.
But a robot can't be belittled.
We cannot yell at a robot for not knowing the price check on spam.
Its impossible for me to convince a robot to give me free stuff.
My day is incomplete unless I can spit in a human's face and say I will never shop here again while my coat is filled with 5 finger discount Ipod Nanos.
There is only one way to have a Merry Christmas, and its to know that somewhere out there... out there, a person has a more miserable life then you do.
Like this guy...
Fat Customer: I want 2 Big Mac Combos, Supersized.
Manager: What soft-drink?
Fat Customer: Umm... one should be a Pepsi and another a 7up.
Manager: Is Coke and Sprite ok?
Fat Customer: Screw that shit. NM, just give me 2 red bulls.
Manager: We do not carry red bulls...
Fat Customer: I'LL Kill you poindexter!
Manager: Just do it... kill me.
Fat Customer: What?
Manager: Please! I tried eating 20 Big Macs at once, I tried to OD on suger sniffed up on a straw, I drank 100% concentrated Coca-Cola, and I even cleaned this place with my tongue just to try and get a merciful disease. Just kill me.
Fat Customer: I'm outa here!
Manager: Eat Me... EAT ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, JUST EAT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Victor Vargas: Can I just get a Coca-Cola, with no ice?
Finding the Perfect Gift
Unable to find any good gifts, my family decided to give the relatives money... and the worst possible gift money can buy.
Things Me and My Sister thought of
- Soup
- A Frame with a Paint Sample.
- 2 Flashlights, one for each.
- Melted Ice Cream
- Make a craft, and then say they opened their gift in such a way it ruined it.
- A sock.
- A burka
Eventually, we decided to tell them that we spent their Christmas money sponsoring a child from www.worldvision.ca. Every month they'd get a card saying how their gift helped a child out for a month, and how we only paid for one month so if they want JuJu to live they have to keep paying. Then we will say psych and give them some money.
The Line of Doom
So here is this huge line of people trying to buy toilet paper and other crap at the jewlry counter. And my mother wants to buy this watch.
You think she's going to wait till the one employee kindly comes to serve her.
No, she wants ACTUAL jewlery. She is not going to wait for these bums. She demands service.
And do you think that she will wait in line once she gets that watch.
Hell No. She was waiting in bread lines in Communist Poland before most of those jerks were born. She knows how to cut a line.
Do you think she cares that your glaring at her and that your angry that she cut the line to buy actual jewlery while your trying to buy a tire. Fuck no. She has her watch and got it in under 7 minutes. YOU have to wait in line for another 15. Your life is just as pathetic as
Ronald, The Manager of the Clairview Walmart McDonald
Manager of McDonalds: You there boy... I want you to do something for me.
Boy of age 8: Yes sir.
MoMD: Here is a plastic knife, I want you to cut my wrist.
Poor innocent McDonald Boy: Ok sir.
*Begins Cutting*
Manager of McDonalds: No no, down the block not across! No wonder you work here! Ok thats better. Come on you can do it, harder... HARDER! SEND DADDY STRAIGHT TO HELL!
*The plastic knife breaks, symbolic of the Manager's will to live*
Manager: WHY DO YOU KEEP TAUNTING ME!
And so ends the trip to Walmart at night. Merry Christmas Everyone!
Expecting no one to be there at 12:00am, the Vargas family decided to go Walmart to see how it would be at the middle of the night.
Apparently, the whole neighborhood also thought this would be a good idea...
Walmart: The Twilight Hour
I don't know what the Manager of the Walmart said to motivate his employees, but I imagine it went something like this:
Manager of McDonalds:
There are only 3 of us on this day of Christmas weekend.
At the stroke of midnight we will see a tsunami of people,
sleep and exhausted, looking for the perfect gift.
They will be hungry. They will desire love, happiness,
passion, and most of all food. And we shall give it to them!
12 year old slave:
But there are so many of them! We can't possibly win!
Manager of McDonalds, attached to Walmart
Of really! It so happens I can piss pop from my noise,
And shoot Happy Meals from my ass!
So long as you stay by me, we can survive.
Together we live! Divided we fall!
10 year old burger boy:
This job SUCKS!
THE Manager of McDonalds
I was once just like you. I had dreams, idea's that
this job was a temporary job. But it was a fools dream.
Once in McDonalds, always in McDonalds.
I am now 35 years old. I have sideburns and glasses
that were cool in the 70's. I've only had sex from
ugly diseased male prostitutes. In fact, I live in my
parents garage because I can barely pay off my
World of Warcraft bills.
Every night, I try to kill myself. I think about it all the time.
I look at my plastic fork and try to slit my wrists.
But they are too cheap to cut the flesh and they break!
I scream *WHY GOD, WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE!"
And a voice says back to me "BECAUSE HELL IS TOO
GOOD FOR YOU!"
Acme Boy of Doom
So why not quit?!
The Incredible Screw on Manager of McDonalds!
Because right now, the 1000 nations of the Canadian
Empire descends on us! They treat us like slaves!
I say we give them the shittiest service ever!
Spit in their rat burgers, throw homeless men into
the soylent specials, and piss in every soft drink we sell!
Tonight we serve in hell, so lets make them all PAY!
Inability to follow basic rules
So imagine for a moment. You are going to Walmart at 12:30am at night. You need to buy a lot of gifts because you were too lazy to buy them over the last 2 weeks. Do you try and make life easier for the poor Walmart Employees?
No... These guys decided to work a night shift at Walmart. Obviously they are below the idiots with money who need gifts now! This is what people do
- You know those tills that are there for just electronics or shoes. Imagine that, only now people are there with baby powders, play boys, and Ice Cream. Those lines were LONG.
- It was a shoplifters paradise. 1 security guard, skeleton staff, and huge crowds. I swear many dollar stores shelves were filled today with things lifted from there.
- Block the lanes. Like there was this annoying jerk with a weird accent who kept blabbing with his Greek friend and just blocked up the whole pass. It took 10 minutes for them to take a hint that people can't move through solids.
An interesting way of saying Merry Christmas.
Even at the final moments, no one knows what to get someone.
Walmart is filled with everything. If there is something that a poor 3rd world country kid can make, Walmart has it, yet no one can decide on anything.
I'd like to think that there is simply too much choice. That we can't decide between giving them a lightsabre or a phaser. But the reality is either A) They have it. B) Its not your price range. or C) Nothing they'd like is in a Walmart.
Everyone goes to Walmart, meaning that odds are that they already bought what they wanted from it. And even if they didn't, stuff in Walmart just doesn't make nice gifts. Getting cloths when your a kid stinks (Walmart is 50% cloths). The toy section is lame from when we were kids. When I was a kid, our Troll dolls had little Gems that could grant you wishes. Now, those Troll dolls have no gems... they're ugly pieces of plastic with a funky hair doo. And the board games are just as lame when you were a kid. And electronics are, and always will be, expen$ive.
The truth of a giving a good gift is the thought it counts. No one is going to remember you gave them $20.00 for their birthday. But they will remember gifts where they are longingly staring at this white dress they can't afford. So you go and buy that dress for Christmas. They open it up, love it to death, then never speak to you again because you overstepped the boundary of friendship and are a creepy bastard for knowing their measurements. But they will remember that gift... forever.
That manager must really hate his life
The Manager: Fear not men! The 3 wise homelessmen fortold that we cannot be defeated unless the electronics section moves to the pharmacy!
Acme Boy: Sir! The gas from our customers is too strong!
Manager of McDonalds: Gas does not concern me...
Acme Boy: But its blocking out the light!
THE Manager of McDonalds: THEN WE'LL COOK IN THE SHADE!
Annoying Customer: Hey! I asked for you to hold the pickles. This is madness!
Manager of M-D: Madness... THIS IS MCDONALDS!
*Punches the Customer's Lights Out*
Everyone is there
The church is loosing its members, work and school suck, and the internet is reserved for people with no life. How can we all come together and socialize as a community? Become one with each other?
Walmart
We all came with a common purpose. We all shared that experience. The spirit of Adam Smith flowed through us.
And people were saying Merry Christmas rather then that retarded "Happy Holidays" crap they were spouting for the last 5 years.
Hell I saw 2 friends there and my sister talked half the time away on her cell with her friend that thought the whole thing was incredible. We were united, there, and it felt good.
I swear, Saturday December 23, 2007, should be made "Walmart Party Day". The deal is we all go to Walmart at 11:59pm. Wait for Christmas Eve to come in, shout Merry Christmas, and then party at Walmart like it was 1999 again. It would be brilliant.
Auto Check-Outs have their limits
Ever since that Auto Check-Out things have come in, people laughed that it was the end of Walmart employees. One day, robots would handle all of our fast food and Walmart crap.
But a robot can't be belittled.
We cannot yell at a robot for not knowing the price check on spam.
Its impossible for me to convince a robot to give me free stuff.
My day is incomplete unless I can spit in a human's face and say I will never shop here again while my coat is filled with 5 finger discount Ipod Nanos.
There is only one way to have a Merry Christmas, and its to know that somewhere out there... out there, a person has a more miserable life then you do.
Like this guy...
Fat Customer: I want 2 Big Mac Combos, Supersized.
Manager: What soft-drink?
Fat Customer: Umm... one should be a Pepsi and another a 7up.
Manager: Is Coke and Sprite ok?
Fat Customer: Screw that shit. NM, just give me 2 red bulls.
Manager: We do not carry red bulls...
Fat Customer: I'LL Kill you poindexter!
Manager: Just do it... kill me.
Fat Customer: What?
Manager: Please! I tried eating 20 Big Macs at once, I tried to OD on suger sniffed up on a straw, I drank 100% concentrated Coca-Cola, and I even cleaned this place with my tongue just to try and get a merciful disease. Just kill me.
Fat Customer: I'm outa here!
Manager: Eat Me... EAT ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, JUST EAT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Victor Vargas: Can I just get a Coca-Cola, with no ice?
Finding the Perfect Gift
Unable to find any good gifts, my family decided to give the relatives money... and the worst possible gift money can buy.
Things Me and My Sister thought of
- Soup
- A Frame with a Paint Sample.
- 2 Flashlights, one for each.
- Melted Ice Cream
- Make a craft, and then say they opened their gift in such a way it ruined it.
- A sock.
- A burka
Eventually, we decided to tell them that we spent their Christmas money sponsoring a child from www.worldvision.ca. Every month they'd get a card saying how their gift helped a child out for a month, and how we only paid for one month so if they want JuJu to live they have to keep paying. Then we will say psych and give them some money.
The Line of Doom
So here is this huge line of people trying to buy toilet paper and other crap at the jewlry counter. And my mother wants to buy this watch.
You think she's going to wait till the one employee kindly comes to serve her.
No, she wants ACTUAL jewlery. She is not going to wait for these bums. She demands service.
And do you think that she will wait in line once she gets that watch.
Hell No. She was waiting in bread lines in Communist Poland before most of those jerks were born. She knows how to cut a line.
Do you think she cares that your glaring at her and that your angry that she cut the line to buy actual jewlery while your trying to buy a tire. Fuck no. She has her watch and got it in under 7 minutes. YOU have to wait in line for another 15. Your life is just as pathetic as
Ronald, The Manager of the Clairview Walmart McDonald
Manager of McDonalds: You there boy... I want you to do something for me.
Boy of age 8: Yes sir.
MoMD: Here is a plastic knife, I want you to cut my wrist.
Poor innocent McDonald Boy: Ok sir.
*Begins Cutting*
Manager of McDonalds: No no, down the block not across! No wonder you work here! Ok thats better. Come on you can do it, harder... HARDER! SEND DADDY STRAIGHT TO HELL!
*The plastic knife breaks, symbolic of the Manager's will to live*
Manager: WHY DO YOU KEEP TAUNTING ME!
And so ends the trip to Walmart at night. Merry Christmas Everyone!