Romance, Seduction, and other such comdic things
A lot of people I know hooked up and broke up recently, and just as many have bestowed their wisdom on relationships. This has lead me to the following conclusion:
God is a comic, and we are his greatest joke :)
Male Human Mating Rituals
Most animals in the world decide on their mate though one means. Peacocks go for the most colorful mate, rabbits for whomever they can get, and monkeys link up with whomever can throw the biggest piece of poo.
Humans however use several strategies to attract a mate and to bond with a specific person of the opposite sex. This makes things very complicated and almost humorous. But the worst of all, the opposite sex doesn't always understand exactly what is going on. Let us review some of these techniques
The Braggart
The goal of the braggart is to state all the great things you do in the least amount of time possible. These are usually exaggerated to the point of lying, yet seem to be very good at attracting people.
Example: I write for the Gateway and I've already written TONS of brilliant and acclaimed pieces. I also volunteer at Safe Walk because I believe in doing great things like that and giving back to the community. I know that is a lot of volunteering, but my job, which pays me $20.00 an hour gives me the ability to do this kinda stuff. By the way I am also Irish
Now women, this translates to: Holy shit you are the greatest person I've met in my life. Want me to kill my buddy over there, I'll do that. Think me drinking a glass of PURE FAT is funny, I'll do that too just to be with you. Please go out with me... PLEASE!
Blitzkrieg
The more advanced form of the Braggart, the Blitzkrieg attempts to isolate the woman of interest by crushing any possible competing interest. Allow me to demonstrate
Girl: Hey you have an apartment in Poland?
Victor: Yeah! Here let me show you on Google maps
Lord Chan: Your computer is to slow and Poland is lame anyways. Let me show you some stuff from China! Ever see the Forbidden Palace on Google Maps?
Girl: No. Sounds cool though!
Lord Chan: It is! Because I have 2 degrees and a great job, I can afford to take trips there!
Victor: I'm an English Major.
Lord Chan: Yeah, no one needs English majors. Everyone needs an accountant.
Now guys, in case you are confused this exchange translates too: I am Lord Chan. I am 100 times better then you are in every single way. Just walk away and expire quietly like a good Pole in that corner over there.
Straight Up Asking
This is what I usually do. After getting some slight hope that there is interest, men will try and say "I like you a lot, lets go on a date." There is no hidden meanings, not to much expectations, the ball is in the womans court. However how people ask often differs
Simple: "I like you a lot, lets go on a date"
Creative: "I like you, do you like me? Please check of YES or NO"
Romantic: "The whole world could end, but as long as I have you in my arms, it wouldn't matter."
Creepy: "Ever since I found your garbage, I knew you were the one."
Dramatic: *In Song* "LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDOR THING!!!!!!!!"
Blackmail: Love me or I will kill myself.
Jack-Ass: Hey you fat cow, wanna fuck. (I'm told this actually worked once.)
Too Soon: Will you marry me?
Way Too Soon: Will you have my babies?
Too Fast Too Creepy: Will you die with me?
The Flirting Game
Sometimes people know that if they ask someone out, they will get a rejection or they are really unsure of what the other person thinks. Hence, flirting was invented. Now its easy to miss flirting from both sides of the spectrum and sadly, I have no clue how women flirt. But I know how men do it.
The following are signs that a guy is interested in you: (Tally up the points when done)
A) Does he compliment your looks (3pts)
B) When your in the room, do you gain his full attention (3pts)
C)Does he look at your chest and or legs a lot (2pts)
D) If yes to C, does he only do it when he things your not looking (7pts)
E) Does he open doors for you, offer you his jacket, ext (3pts)
F) Do you notice he gets nervous or very dumb in your presence (4pts)
G) Have you noticed that he has memorized nearly every detail about you (5pts)
H) Has any of your friends noted that he is interested in you (5pts)
Ok tally it up
0 - 5pts - He's a guy after all, no real serious interest.
6 - 10pts - Yeah, he may have a passing interest
11 - 15 - He's interested in you. You should do something about it.
16 - 20 - Interested and likely have strong feelings towards you.
20+ - Why are you taking this test?! Are you blind, clearly he has a thing for you!
If someone were to make another test for women, it would be very helpful.
The Dark Side
Personally, I actually try and go for personality as much as possible. My greatest fear is ending up with some crazy communist who's family also happens to be a cult that operates like the Sith and has ambitions of world domination and treats their kids like expendable assets. I'm not sure where it comes from...
However, not everyone operates on this principle, as I learned in my dealings with Mr.Morgan
Mr.Morgan: What do you want?
Victor: A drink?
Mr. Morgan: No, WHAT DO YO WANT?
Victor; The death of all my enemies in accidents that can not be traced back to me?
Mr. Morgan: In Regards to Women?
Victor: Someone who is kind, big hearted, ambitious,
Mr. Morgan: NO NO! I mean physically! Look around this bar, if you were a VAMPIRE who would you suck the life out of!
Victor: I'm not a vampire...
Mr. Morgan: ALL MEN ARE VAMPIRES! Our goal is to roam the night, find women whom suite our interests, and then discard them until we find one we can make into a Vampire! To do this we must LIE, CHEAT, even STEEL because all the other men are Vampires and they are hunting against you!
Victor: How much have you had to drink?
Mr. Morgan: A LOT OF BLOOD! Precious blood!
Victor: Chibi... where did you find this guy?
Chibi: An old friend. Now go out and drink some blood!
Mr. Morgan: Wait! We have got to think of a line! Think of what you will say.
Victor: Err how about I think the Oilers will make a come back but you think they'll die.
Mr. Morgan: EXCELLENT! Go out there and use that one.
*Time Passes*
Victor: Didn't work out, she doesn't watch hockey!
Mr.Morgan: OF COARSE SHE DOESN'T! You have to be like a hounding sales men. Don't give up till she can't stand you.
Victor: Ok...but isn't that annoying?
Chibi: All is fair in War and shit! Now get us a drink or something!
Rejection
Now in rejecting someone it must be clear that you are not interested. Allow me to demonstrate
Question: We should go on a romantic date to this fancy restaurant.
Good Answer: I'm sorry, but I just don't think of you like that. Please understand.
Bad Answer: uhh not right now, I got plans that day, how about another day.
Bitch Answer: Like I could ever have feelings for you *click*
Now while Bitch and Good answers were clear, Bad answer left too much room for interpretation. This only creates confusion and angst. And until angst can power car engines, we don't need that much in the world.
Hmm, I could go on, but this post is getting up there. So I will stop it right here. I wonder if people will read this far... If you have read this far, please email this guide to everyone in the universe and have them answer the question of what is 13+69+420 + 666 +42 + 7 = ???? Then we may learn the secrets of the universe.
God is a comic, and we are his greatest joke :)
Male Human Mating Rituals
Most animals in the world decide on their mate though one means. Peacocks go for the most colorful mate, rabbits for whomever they can get, and monkeys link up with whomever can throw the biggest piece of poo.
Humans however use several strategies to attract a mate and to bond with a specific person of the opposite sex. This makes things very complicated and almost humorous. But the worst of all, the opposite sex doesn't always understand exactly what is going on. Let us review some of these techniques
The Braggart
The goal of the braggart is to state all the great things you do in the least amount of time possible. These are usually exaggerated to the point of lying, yet seem to be very good at attracting people.
Example: I write for the Gateway and I've already written TONS of brilliant and acclaimed pieces. I also volunteer at Safe Walk because I believe in doing great things like that and giving back to the community. I know that is a lot of volunteering, but my job, which pays me $20.00 an hour gives me the ability to do this kinda stuff. By the way I am also Irish
Now women, this translates to: Holy shit you are the greatest person I've met in my life. Want me to kill my buddy over there, I'll do that. Think me drinking a glass of PURE FAT is funny, I'll do that too just to be with you. Please go out with me... PLEASE!
Blitzkrieg
The more advanced form of the Braggart, the Blitzkrieg attempts to isolate the woman of interest by crushing any possible competing interest. Allow me to demonstrate
Girl: Hey you have an apartment in Poland?
Victor: Yeah! Here let me show you on Google maps
Lord Chan: Your computer is to slow and Poland is lame anyways. Let me show you some stuff from China! Ever see the Forbidden Palace on Google Maps?
Girl: No. Sounds cool though!
Lord Chan: It is! Because I have 2 degrees and a great job, I can afford to take trips there!
Victor: I'm an English Major.
Lord Chan: Yeah, no one needs English majors. Everyone needs an accountant.
Now guys, in case you are confused this exchange translates too: I am Lord Chan. I am 100 times better then you are in every single way. Just walk away and expire quietly like a good Pole in that corner over there.
Straight Up Asking
This is what I usually do. After getting some slight hope that there is interest, men will try and say "I like you a lot, lets go on a date." There is no hidden meanings, not to much expectations, the ball is in the womans court. However how people ask often differs
Simple: "I like you a lot, lets go on a date"
Creative: "I like you, do you like me? Please check of YES or NO"
Romantic: "The whole world could end, but as long as I have you in my arms, it wouldn't matter."
Creepy: "Ever since I found your garbage, I knew you were the one."
Dramatic: *In Song* "LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDOR THING!!!!!!!!"
Blackmail: Love me or I will kill myself.
Jack-Ass: Hey you fat cow, wanna fuck. (I'm told this actually worked once.)
Too Soon: Will you marry me?
Way Too Soon: Will you have my babies?
Too Fast Too Creepy: Will you die with me?
The Flirting Game
Sometimes people know that if they ask someone out, they will get a rejection or they are really unsure of what the other person thinks. Hence, flirting was invented. Now its easy to miss flirting from both sides of the spectrum and sadly, I have no clue how women flirt. But I know how men do it.
The following are signs that a guy is interested in you: (Tally up the points when done)
A) Does he compliment your looks (3pts)
B) When your in the room, do you gain his full attention (3pts)
C)Does he look at your chest and or legs a lot (2pts)
D) If yes to C, does he only do it when he things your not looking (7pts)
E) Does he open doors for you, offer you his jacket, ext (3pts)
F) Do you notice he gets nervous or very dumb in your presence (4pts)
G) Have you noticed that he has memorized nearly every detail about you (5pts)
H) Has any of your friends noted that he is interested in you (5pts)
Ok tally it up
0 - 5pts - He's a guy after all, no real serious interest.
6 - 10pts - Yeah, he may have a passing interest
11 - 15 - He's interested in you. You should do something about it.
16 - 20 - Interested and likely have strong feelings towards you.
20+ - Why are you taking this test?! Are you blind, clearly he has a thing for you!
If someone were to make another test for women, it would be very helpful.
The Dark Side
Personally, I actually try and go for personality as much as possible. My greatest fear is ending up with some crazy communist who's family also happens to be a cult that operates like the Sith and has ambitions of world domination and treats their kids like expendable assets. I'm not sure where it comes from...
However, not everyone operates on this principle, as I learned in my dealings with Mr.Morgan
Mr.Morgan: What do you want?
Victor: A drink?
Mr. Morgan: No, WHAT DO YO WANT?
Victor; The death of all my enemies in accidents that can not be traced back to me?
Mr. Morgan: In Regards to Women?
Victor: Someone who is kind, big hearted, ambitious,
Mr. Morgan: NO NO! I mean physically! Look around this bar, if you were a VAMPIRE who would you suck the life out of!
Victor: I'm not a vampire...
Mr. Morgan: ALL MEN ARE VAMPIRES! Our goal is to roam the night, find women whom suite our interests, and then discard them until we find one we can make into a Vampire! To do this we must LIE, CHEAT, even STEEL because all the other men are Vampires and they are hunting against you!
Victor: How much have you had to drink?
Mr. Morgan: A LOT OF BLOOD! Precious blood!
Victor: Chibi... where did you find this guy?
Chibi: An old friend. Now go out and drink some blood!
Mr. Morgan: Wait! We have got to think of a line! Think of what you will say.
Victor: Err how about I think the Oilers will make a come back but you think they'll die.
Mr. Morgan: EXCELLENT! Go out there and use that one.
*Time Passes*
Victor: Didn't work out, she doesn't watch hockey!
Mr.Morgan: OF COARSE SHE DOESN'T! You have to be like a hounding sales men. Don't give up till she can't stand you.
Victor: Ok...but isn't that annoying?
Chibi: All is fair in War and shit! Now get us a drink or something!
Rejection
Now in rejecting someone it must be clear that you are not interested. Allow me to demonstrate
Question: We should go on a romantic date to this fancy restaurant.
Good Answer: I'm sorry, but I just don't think of you like that. Please understand.
Bad Answer: uhh not right now, I got plans that day, how about another day.
Bitch Answer: Like I could ever have feelings for you *click*
Now while Bitch and Good answers were clear, Bad answer left too much room for interpretation. This only creates confusion and angst. And until angst can power car engines, we don't need that much in the world.
Hmm, I could go on, but this post is getting up there. So I will stop it right here. I wonder if people will read this far... If you have read this far, please email this guide to everyone in the universe and have them answer the question of what is 13+69+420 + 666 +42 + 7 = ???? Then we may learn the secrets of the universe.