(no subject)
There are billions of people on this planet.
Yet... I can drive through several towns in an evening, and see almost no one. I can hear nothing but the wind and the sounds of my own car, and the occasional one passing by.
Was it always this way? Thing seemed so much bigger and busier when I was younger. But now things and people are gone.. people have passed away, businesses have closed down, life has disappeared from the streets of towns and from the once quaint homes in the country.
I never felt so alone as I did this evening, as I drove through Redmon, Tuscola, Oakload, the country-side of Oakland, Villa Grove and Pesotum.
I went to visit my old friends in the country, to return briefly to the cabin in the woods that was once a weekend retreat from me as a child. The property is virtually in ruins. There are few indications that it hasn't been abandoned. Only some cats that ran when I pulled up to the house, and two angry dogs that kept me from getting to the path down to the cabin. I tried to call Jake to ask him if the dogs were a threat, or even if he was still down there. No luck... disconnected phone, it seems. So, I took one more look around at Jake's house.. belongings, mostly things that should be in a landfill somewhere, sitting all about. The pool in the backyard that I used to swim in was empty and gutted. The deck before it had random objects scattered all around. His parents are trying to sell it, and I can't find much hope left for it. If Jake has no desire to make it a real home for himself, to keep the property clean and organized, then it's as good as lost, even if it's not sold. I wish I could fix it for him, for my own sake and peace of mind. But I'm not capable of it and it's not my place to do so. I don't want to see this happen to another part of my past.
I am alone, in many ways. My family started fading a long time ago. Or I started fading from them. My grandmother is gone, and the gap left by that is impossible to replace or cover. My hometown has been in a downward spiral for a long time. I don't know if Newman will ever recover at all. And my friends from there are all gone. Off in the military, off in some kind of financial or legal problems, off to places across the country where they've got something better for themselves.
I know that my future does not lie in the past... so I look to the present and future. I'm not without help, but I am basicly living for each day or week, with little promise in sight for the future right now. Financially, at least. I'm down to a few friends, and a bunch of others that have kind of gone in their own direction. Even if they're still around, they sure don't seem near me. No girlfriend, but that's not news nor is it something that's specifically bothering me. Just part of the picture.
I have lost my value and usefullness at CDW. The play I wanted to do, The Crucible, is not going to happen after all. The current one, Midsummer Night's Dream, is going along just fine, but I have been stripped of my implied role twice over now. I'm back to the way I was a couple years ago there. Just a kid who shows up to play D&D on Sundays.
I don't necessarily feel depressed. Just perplexed, anxious, something like that.
And no, it doesn't even feel like God is there for me.
And devout-Christians, don't get ahead of yourself. Read on.
I know God is there, and I know there's a purpose for me somewhere. I know he's done things for me, and may do more for me. I know I have things to do for him. But knowing it and feeling it are very different to me right now.
I want a cause. And I want to feel some tie to this world, something strong and sacred. Even if it's just in one person or thing. I don't want to be standing alone in an empty street. I don't want to be like my memories, memories that are barely more ghostly than the fading landmarks they were born from.
I'll keep listening for you and for God.
But until then, it weighs heavily on me. I want so badly for my purpose and for you to find me, if I can't find you.
Yet... I can drive through several towns in an evening, and see almost no one. I can hear nothing but the wind and the sounds of my own car, and the occasional one passing by.
Was it always this way? Thing seemed so much bigger and busier when I was younger. But now things and people are gone.. people have passed away, businesses have closed down, life has disappeared from the streets of towns and from the once quaint homes in the country.
I never felt so alone as I did this evening, as I drove through Redmon, Tuscola, Oakload, the country-side of Oakland, Villa Grove and Pesotum.
I went to visit my old friends in the country, to return briefly to the cabin in the woods that was once a weekend retreat from me as a child. The property is virtually in ruins. There are few indications that it hasn't been abandoned. Only some cats that ran when I pulled up to the house, and two angry dogs that kept me from getting to the path down to the cabin. I tried to call Jake to ask him if the dogs were a threat, or even if he was still down there. No luck... disconnected phone, it seems. So, I took one more look around at Jake's house.. belongings, mostly things that should be in a landfill somewhere, sitting all about. The pool in the backyard that I used to swim in was empty and gutted. The deck before it had random objects scattered all around. His parents are trying to sell it, and I can't find much hope left for it. If Jake has no desire to make it a real home for himself, to keep the property clean and organized, then it's as good as lost, even if it's not sold. I wish I could fix it for him, for my own sake and peace of mind. But I'm not capable of it and it's not my place to do so. I don't want to see this happen to another part of my past.
I am alone, in many ways. My family started fading a long time ago. Or I started fading from them. My grandmother is gone, and the gap left by that is impossible to replace or cover. My hometown has been in a downward spiral for a long time. I don't know if Newman will ever recover at all. And my friends from there are all gone. Off in the military, off in some kind of financial or legal problems, off to places across the country where they've got something better for themselves.
I know that my future does not lie in the past... so I look to the present and future. I'm not without help, but I am basicly living for each day or week, with little promise in sight for the future right now. Financially, at least. I'm down to a few friends, and a bunch of others that have kind of gone in their own direction. Even if they're still around, they sure don't seem near me. No girlfriend, but that's not news nor is it something that's specifically bothering me. Just part of the picture.
I have lost my value and usefullness at CDW. The play I wanted to do, The Crucible, is not going to happen after all. The current one, Midsummer Night's Dream, is going along just fine, but I have been stripped of my implied role twice over now. I'm back to the way I was a couple years ago there. Just a kid who shows up to play D&D on Sundays.
I don't necessarily feel depressed. Just perplexed, anxious, something like that.
And no, it doesn't even feel like God is there for me.
And devout-Christians, don't get ahead of yourself. Read on.
I know God is there, and I know there's a purpose for me somewhere. I know he's done things for me, and may do more for me. I know I have things to do for him. But knowing it and feeling it are very different to me right now.
I want a cause. And I want to feel some tie to this world, something strong and sacred. Even if it's just in one person or thing. I don't want to be standing alone in an empty street. I don't want to be like my memories, memories that are barely more ghostly than the fading landmarks they were born from.
I'll keep listening for you and for God.
But until then, it weighs heavily on me. I want so badly for my purpose and for you to find me, if I can't find you.