More revaltions...of course
Sigh. Well, it has been awhile since I have had an entry worth speaking of, so I suppose that I will write one now.
The Songfest program in the end was a good thing, but I wonder if it was worth my money. It was so disorganized which was a distracting aspect, and then there is the fact that I wasn't really respected by those in charge because I was only 19. This is going to come across as cocky, which I especially hate in musicians, but I was as talented and musical as some of the older people. These people got to do multiple opera scenes, and even just one of their's was sometimes bigger than mine alone. I know I shouldn't complain about it, but its just frustrating that I am often overlooked in the grand scheme of things, because I'm younger or for reasons I don't know. So when people write me off without knowing me, or hearing me in person, its frustrating to me because I am not just a voice: I am a personality, an actress etc.
I guess it wouldn't mean so much to me if I wasn't so obsessed with music and classical music and if I didn't want to be an opera singer as my career. But due to the fact that I am going down that path, I feel that I have to prove myself to quite a few people: to my parents who are still skeptical, to the people at H-W who never cast me, to my friends who aren't singers but they have always supported me, to my friends who are singers because they know what it's like, and last of all to me. I still wonder if this singing thing is the right thing, or if I'm getting my hopes up. Because even though I am first and foremost passionate about the music, I don't want to be unsuccessful.
I feel like all my problems in life right now are all tied together. Maybe this is the influence of my mom, who likes to tie everything back to my weight. I still have issues with my thyroid, and still a having trouble balancing my medications too. Even though I lost about 15 pounds last summer, I gained the same amount plus more during the school year. I work out every day, and have been on a strict diet of healthy foods--I cook my own lunch every day--and yet this weight won't go! My mom taped a performance of me not so that I could hear myself, but so that I could see how "gross I looked" on stage. She critiqued everything about my appearance, except my hair, which she has always loved. I am used to this by now though.
Obviously, this has been affecting my romantic life (or, um, lack thereof). But I guess it just hit me that it has been affecting my future career as well. Opera directors are becoming more and more concerned with looks, and the last thing I need is to be the little butterball auditioning for soubrette and other light soprano roles that need cute and sexy characters...which according to the apparent lack of a romantic life, I am not.
I just had a great conversation with an older and wiser male friend of mine in which we came to the conclusion that I needed to get over guys. NOW. Instead, I need to focus on what truly has the potential to make me happy--singing. This isn't to say that I am going to be able to do that...knowing me I fall hoplessly fast. But hopefully, in this attempt to focus solely on myself, I can somehow be a little happier. In my attempt to focus on my voice, maybe I can somehow muster up the energy to lose more weight. And who knows what will then fall into place...
The Songfest program in the end was a good thing, but I wonder if it was worth my money. It was so disorganized which was a distracting aspect, and then there is the fact that I wasn't really respected by those in charge because I was only 19. This is going to come across as cocky, which I especially hate in musicians, but I was as talented and musical as some of the older people. These people got to do multiple opera scenes, and even just one of their's was sometimes bigger than mine alone. I know I shouldn't complain about it, but its just frustrating that I am often overlooked in the grand scheme of things, because I'm younger or for reasons I don't know. So when people write me off without knowing me, or hearing me in person, its frustrating to me because I am not just a voice: I am a personality, an actress etc.
I guess it wouldn't mean so much to me if I wasn't so obsessed with music and classical music and if I didn't want to be an opera singer as my career. But due to the fact that I am going down that path, I feel that I have to prove myself to quite a few people: to my parents who are still skeptical, to the people at H-W who never cast me, to my friends who aren't singers but they have always supported me, to my friends who are singers because they know what it's like, and last of all to me. I still wonder if this singing thing is the right thing, or if I'm getting my hopes up. Because even though I am first and foremost passionate about the music, I don't want to be unsuccessful.
I feel like all my problems in life right now are all tied together. Maybe this is the influence of my mom, who likes to tie everything back to my weight. I still have issues with my thyroid, and still a having trouble balancing my medications too. Even though I lost about 15 pounds last summer, I gained the same amount plus more during the school year. I work out every day, and have been on a strict diet of healthy foods--I cook my own lunch every day--and yet this weight won't go! My mom taped a performance of me not so that I could hear myself, but so that I could see how "gross I looked" on stage. She critiqued everything about my appearance, except my hair, which she has always loved. I am used to this by now though.
Obviously, this has been affecting my romantic life (or, um, lack thereof). But I guess it just hit me that it has been affecting my future career as well. Opera directors are becoming more and more concerned with looks, and the last thing I need is to be the little butterball auditioning for soubrette and other light soprano roles that need cute and sexy characters...which according to the apparent lack of a romantic life, I am not.
I just had a great conversation with an older and wiser male friend of mine in which we came to the conclusion that I needed to get over guys. NOW. Instead, I need to focus on what truly has the potential to make me happy--singing. This isn't to say that I am going to be able to do that...knowing me I fall hoplessly fast. But hopefully, in this attempt to focus solely on myself, I can somehow be a little happier. In my attempt to focus on my voice, maybe I can somehow muster up the energy to lose more weight. And who knows what will then fall into place...