look whos back :)
OK so i decided that i am going to start posting again. I havn't in a long time because I have been writing in my journal, but sometimes its so freaking tiring and my hands are exhausted. And not only that I lioooked at my lost entry, and it was a LONG time ago. Ok so its 2008, and i last posted in 2006. So i guess I have alot of typing to do. I'm sure everyone knows that shortly after I moved to live with my mother in Vancouver I had started at a new school, and then I recieved the news about my friend being in an accident and dying. That was the most traumatic experience i've ever been through. And we all know why I left my dads in the frist place, to get away from the things that happened there. My dads girlfriend, kara, she hates me. I know I was not the best kid around, but maybe she didn't understand that I WAS ONLY a child. I made mistakes, like every other child out there. You dont understand the thing i've been through in the last year or so, it was enough to break my spirit, the only thing i eer hung onto when i was in prison living with my father. The funny thing is I love living with him, just not his gf, hes a great dad. Or he used to be. Starting abck when I first moved. that was the worst. I was alone, i lived with my mother and younger brother. my mom doens;t have the best life style for kids. I mean her lifestyle suits her needs, not ours. She wasn't hme much back then, when she was working and living her own personal life. It was hard for me because I think my brother just needed his parents. When i left PG, i guess i gave up the rights to have a father. I've breifly talked to him over the years, but I have not carried out a single Conversation since I left. But back to my story.
You see, when I started at this school, It was difficult, I didn't know anybody but my sister, and her friends. They were all in grade 11 and 12 though. And I was only in grade 9. I didn't make many friends for a long time. I mainly followed my sister around. Afetr i started having issues at home, my mother seriously needed to step up, she fed us the best food, gave us a place to live, bought us the thinsg we needed, BUT WHERE WAS MY MOTHER!!! nowhere. she wasn;t there ever, when Ashley died i was devistated, My mom didn't know how to act. i dont think she knew what to do with me, she gave me some leeway but she needed to be there. and she wasn't, maybe physically but not emotionally. i was distraught. My dad wanted nothing to do with me, i called him everyday after she died and tried to get him to be there for nme like he used to be. It was no use. my relationship with my mother was deteriating and she was getting fed up with me. I think because i was depressed and in shock was crimping her happyness.
So at school when i did attend, because after Ashley died i had troubles doing anything. I made some friends. A girl named Monica seemed to have adopted me as a friend. She is one of the best people i have met since i moved here, she listend and helped me, she was a friend to me even when i counldn't contribute to the friendship all that much. I never really saw her outside school, just i would sit at home. Then one day i saw this girl from my support group i had very recently joined at my school. Her name was kiisha (shes white) she and I became the best of friends. We hung out every day and night, never left eachothers sisde it seemed. She a good friend and An awesome person, but not the best influence. She did drugs and drank and thigs like that. and i joined the party. i figured, why not, i dont have anything better to do. So i let these things consume me and i became... well at the time i thought i had become my mother. Not that she does drugs or drinks, she does neither, i just rarely was home, thats what i mean by that. I liked it it made me feel like i ahd something inlife to do. Its pretty sad to look back on. I stoppped goin to school pretty much alltogether. I'm freaking shocked I passed at all. i think most of my teachers passed me from sympathy becaus ei am a very smart kid, i mean not to brag but i was getting high grades before that tragady. Well january rolled around and i was getting so upset. I hadn't done much over christmas but adopt a beautiful kitten named wink. She was the only sunshine in my life. LIke a child to me. I brought ehr everywhere. litterly. but then my 15th birthday came, and went and my dad never called. that was upsetting, i got a simple card for both christmas and my birthday that said "i miss you". I was so upset. Then he decdied a few days after my birthday to jet off to florida with his gf and her kids, to go to disney world. I cried. i cried and i cried. my own father would do that to me, and not even bother to call me on my birthday that few days before. I forgot to mention at this point i was dating this great guy named Nathan. in novemeber... i should have said that. But dating him secretly was only becaus ekiisha had liked him so much, so i stole him, a terrible friend i am. but i loved him... and he bought me cake and flowers for my birthday and was there for me on christmas. I really liked his family aswell. The weird part was our moms knew eachother.!! akward. i started staying there all the time. His mom liked me, so i think she did back then. We had no issues. I was happy there, you see nathan to me was a miricle. He was ilke an angel just dropped out of the sky for me. by febuary my mother and i were fighting badley.
ONe night i came home and grabbed some food, i didnlt have a bedroom i was a couch sleeper. So i ate while they wer asleep. my mom was mad for some reason, and came downstairs and grabbed teh plate and whipped it at me, said some thinsg that now thinking back to makes me cry. SHE through the plate and stuff at ME. then she called the cops and said i has thrown it at her and wanted me removed.... I never went back. I stayed at my sisters that night and school was kind of dull. After i went to my motehrs dooor and all i wnated was my cat, I wanted wink, i couldnlt leave her there. no i couldn;t. i remebr sitting by the door and crying begging for the cat i had brougt and nobody there wnated. she kept her from me just because she could. I lived with Nathan after that. It was good, i liked it alot. But problems started to errupt. we broke up breifly and then were back together. but on and off while living with him was okay for me. I liked seeing him everyday, it was just another reason to get out of bed; as depressed as i was. School becme better for me. i guess al i needed was somebody to push me, somebody to tell me i was smart and could do it. and Nathan and his mother did that for me. Nathans mother was a gift from above. she cared for me, and treated me nice. and the strange thing was I liked her. Shes smart and logical and very open minded to certain things. I'm sure everyone knows i used to cut, when i was younger when i lived iwth my father, after years of physical and verbal and emotional abuse from his gf, i cut for some reason .I started cutting again when my mom and i were fighting. it was in private nobody knew, or could see. But afer while with nathan and me being on and off, still in denile and shcok from ashley dying my father not wanting to see or talk to me and my motehr the same. I just cut, and i kept going really badley. it took me some courge to tell Nathans mom, shes a nurse so one day i asked her for help, not just to bandage, but for somebody to talk to aswell. she didnlt to my surprise judge me treat me differently. she suported me, and my needs. Nathan was very upset by my cutting and his form of reacting to it was anger. which means something is making him sad. he doen't cry. not ever. sometimes i think he's a statue. But i know he has that heart. he shared it with me once, andi knew when he did i loved every part of him because i dont know how to exlain it. we conected. in some way. the support i got there was the best i could have gotten anywhere, or even proffesional help and support. i did better. But things between nathan and his mom got bad. Nathan was only 16 he had his own problems in life. And i tried to mend thinsg in him, but he was so angry and he pprotected me for smoe reason. I cant explain what the things were that happened between everyone just that it wasn't good for me. or him, or his sisters or his mother. So again. I was sent off. During the last part of the time living there i met kayla, she is what i would call a true and good friend, like monica. nd i started to hang out with kayla all the time. And then when I had nowhere to go her family took me in for the time being so my social worker could find me a home. like a lost puppy and kittenm. they needed to fin me a home. Kayla was amazing to me. she was there for me, and i love her for it. I stopped cutting while i was with her, becaus ei knew it would scare her parents,a nd i didnlt know what they mighht do. and you knwo being away from nathan was painful but him and i had issues, and they in time they would mend themselves. so staying with kayla motivated me to do things, like attend school and do work, and be active and try to be happy. but my negativity towards life was really hurting kayla and it really didnlt fit with her happiness. so When i moved to my first group home in foster care, we stayed in contact but soon i shut her out from fear of doing any more damage to her. i cared for the few good friends i had made. This new place was weird. It was nice but had 3 other girld and 2 boys. it was difficult at first. i staying in my assigned room and slept the first whole weekend. i got up atlike 7 showered and left everymorning. i went to school and returned at 10:30 or just before. always on the last bus avalible. i tried to stay away. but for some reason this house and the people in it pulle dme in like a magnet. This was a year ago now, but i have to say... it was a good experinec at first if anything. I started to praticiapte in the recreational activities, I started to from some relationships with the staff,and I liked them all very much. Mostly i liked Tina, she was a very intresting soul. She was so loving and warm that i couldn't help but like her. But living there for months, i stopped going to schhool again. And honestly i couldn;t tell you why. I liked being there and i like the house. but being there more meant being there for the drama with the other kids. I met some pretty intresting kids to. some only because i knew they lived completely different then me. and some because i liked them. It was an odd place. a big blue house, and full of people who all in some way hurting. most of the kids did alot of drugs, none went to school. but me. there was this girl i shared a room withh named valarie. i didnlt like her. she played everyone. she would say oh i dont like her she did this and then got o that person and do the same thing. but she left after emely and JJ tortured her enough to maker her just leave. there was a girl name montana who i breifly shared a room with. she was a nice girl. i still talk to her and i liked her, she was sweet. and the other 2 more permanet girls Emely and JJ, were also sweeet girls. i liked them both but i could see where they needed help. I started cutting again, and it upset them, JJ because it made her want to throw up i think. But emely sincerly cared. she sat me down one day and told me that whatever happened it wasn;t my fault and that she used to cut to, she showed me the scars she had covered most of the time. it was nice to relate with somebody, i remebr thinking that. these kids were all hurt, but they all put o the tough i'm dine, you cant hurt me, act. but i saw them when they were hurting. and they never let the staff, or outsiders see it. it hurt me to see them like this, and it made me see that thats what they see when they look at me. Eventually i started cutting. but not my wrists, other places. sometime smy mouth, legs, hips, arms, and thinsg liek that. thinsg got bad one night. I mean you could look at me and not see anything wrong with me. but underneath the mask of smiles i wAS hurt, and sad. yes i was. and one night everything blew out of perportain. and i liked to wlka in the night to calm myself, i liekd to sit in the felid across the road and look into the sky and see the stars. and i would just think and cry sometimes and sometimes talk to the stars, but i talke dto them as if they were ashley, my best friend. it was a comfort to me. people at the hosue i was at started "worrying" and one night when i was out i had been so upset i had broken a glass and then been upset. they knew i cut. but they guessed the wrong reasons thinking i wnated to die. i did not. i did before but i alwasy saw some light in life that kept me going. thats when one night they called the police and they came and i remebr sitting there just thinking and they grabbed me. i didnlt understand what tey wnated. i was upset and they were grabbing me. it was scary. the pulled at em, and pushed me. like i was some kind of criminal. they took me to a hospital, and they made me wait ina room. and then i talke dot a doctor and they sent me home. it was strage you;d think they would have locked me up. the only reason i stopped objecting and resisting was because tine who was working promised to come. but she left me there. i was scared in a part of a town where i had no idea where i was. i was so afraid. and i relised that. nobody cares about me personally. i was on my own. and i left and then i got back and the next few days they moved me. to a new place. i was very reluctant to go. i wanted to stay. but one of the workers who i had liked decided to stay in touch. so i felt better about moving. the circumstances about moving upset me, they make me cry okay so i dont really wnatt o go all out and exlplain why i was moved. This new places was beautiful. It was a group home. for 3 girls. i liked it. but the other girls were never home. actually i didnlt meet them for like a month. they came home late at night when i was long sleeping. i am an early riser and a early sleeper. i dont take medication at all so it must just be the times i like. I liked the owrkers there to but i missed the old ones. The lady who ran the program was nice to me, but i was warned by some other kids that she sonly like that at first. and its true. i was tricked. i went to summer school all summer and i dinlt go out much I started to hang out iwth the girls who lived there pretty soon, Olivia and Karmen. But still I had my one comfort of the place I had just come from. The onw worker who stuck. Her name is sveva and i am saying this only because she becomes an enourmous part of the rest of the story. At this point i rarley cut, but i still did. I forgot to mention my kitty cat. Nathans mom had finally got her back for me when i lived with them , and when i lived with kayla she was with me, and again when i was in the first group home she stayed on and off there, but mostly with my moms newest bf. It was the last option trust me. but finally i had her at my new group home. and i was about to give her up to sveva. I knew if i kept moving her it would be hard on her, you never knew when you were gunna move being in foster care. So sveva took wink to another town to live with her parents. she was still mine just..not with me anymore. i would get her back after when i was in a place i was tsaying and stable. i agreeed becaus ei knew it was best for my sunshine wink. After the summer was about over. Sveva had been working with me since april i guess you could say, when i was living aat the first group home where she worked and after i moved. she told me...last person she todl to mention... that she was going to be in africa for 5 months. i was shocked. a little upset but i was fine surprsingly. but she went and a week after she left I moved again. To another place. This place was my last option. it was rundown and ugly. but thats not the part of teh story i m at yet. i keep forgeting important parts.
so in the beginning of august, i got a job, i was happy. I loved it. And i started hanging out with karmen 24-7 i mean we lived together, we never serperated really, unless i had school or she had a court date or something. usually i wnet where she did.
ok i need to stop and i SWEAR i will finish the story after i need to go home schools....almost over..
love
tamara