Broken
So...I am crushed, humilated and broken. What was it that did me in? So many factors, was it all me, or all her. The anger, the swarming vengence and rage wants to say her and all honestly in the end... I truely believe it is mostly her because of what she chose to do and what she proceded to do. Fae'il, no Jackie gave up, crossed that line, and burnt that bridge. It raises many questions and feelings. What do I do know with my broken self laying in my pieces, this refuse of my soul. One, its over, we can never never be what we were or close to it. I still love her but I have to bar her out to the level she was, no longer can I let her be that...person or rely on her for that kind of support again... We will always be friends and always be lovers, nothing but true true betray can change though but... perhaps that has also been crossed. I don't know or care anymore. As I remove her from my soul, body and mind like some form of ritual suicide, I change... I survive. In the end in a way I have to thank her...she has broken me and only from that can I truely change...to stop holding back what I did. I am tired of it, when I come back I will not be who I am now but closer to something I USE to be, something I WANT to be. The true steps of change, evolution, self change come from being shattered when you have to pick up yourself. Though I must say...how dare she say its hard for her, no not like what it is for me...it is unfair, though these kind of things are always unfair on they. She got out of a relationship, almost clean but painfully but she rolled into a new one, she has a new support, a new pillar, a new fragging lover and soul mate to call her own while I just have...me...and thats it...I go on cruise... all I have is what is on this 586 foot tin can but I have good friends here but not like you guys or what I have away from it but I will survive...Shades will come and I will be better. All this makes me wonder just how much she said was the truth, has she told him the same BS she told me when she came back to me that first time, "Oh he was too wide for me to be comfertable, or I had to bite my tongue from calling your name? and etc" Did she mean or was it part of...everything. So now I lay here in my many many pieces in a pool of agony and anquish with boiling anger under seas...gathering my strength and putting myself together. Thank you everytone out there for wasting your time and reading my rattings.
--The Broken
--The Broken