beauty in the breakdown..

[shadesogray]

Well here it is, the last post from Shadesogray, i have had this journal for quite sometime and i feel like i need to move on from this stage of my life. This entry jumps from one thing to another, my mind is everywhere at once. I am sorry. I thought this would be longer, i cut a lot out, i ramble way to much, and i am still afraid to say a lot

Comments

[cait_on_a_plate]

"I am afraid of love, there is nothing more in the world that i want, but it seems anyone i loved, either died or destroyed my heart. Once i feel something i run, because my past tells me its not worth it. Its never the person, its always me. I am sorry, its ironic how i say that i am afraid of love and getting hurt, but i know that in the process of running that i end up hurting someone."

its extremely selfish for me to think that that part had anything to do with me, but at the same time i feel that is has because thats EXACTLY what happened between you and me. im not sure if you feel the same way though, thats why i feel selfish for stating it, but its how i feel happened and im still completely shocked/distraught/upset/confused/worried. its just crazy for me to think of someone you truly cared about ignoring you/cutting you off from their life completely; within probably about 2 days maybe? i dont know pat. i just dont know. maybe i shouldnt have posted this, to save problems, though i really dont think it would cause any, but still. yeah. well. i dont think youre worthless. thats all.

Cait.

[shadesogray]

although I cannot say that was 100% about you and you alone, but its enough to not call yourself selfish in anyway. What more can I say then i am a coward. I really did care. please beleive me, in fact i still do, hence this reply. I look for something i cant find, maybe it exists maybe it doesn't. I havnt found it in myself nor anyone else.. I am not even sure really what it is, but i need it. Maybe ill find it maybe i won't, who knows, but i cant go through life telling myself i stopped. You can only truely love someone when your truely love yourself, and i hate myself. The emotion and feelings were there.. but the strengh, to be strong for you at all time, I hated not being able to not help you. I cant even help myself. This is by no means blaming you for any thing, this is me trying to try to explain something i really cant.
maybe i should stop
before i dig the hole any deeper
I am sorry
I realy am
If i could change what i did i would

[cait_on_a_plate]

all i wished is that you wouldnt have cut me off completely over 2 days. i wish you would have just warned me or at least talked to me and told me this is how you were feeling. it just hurt the fact that i would try so hard to get ahold of you and be worried to death when all you were doing was ignoring me. i dont blame you for anything pat, i cant help how you feel and how you act and what you do. everything happens for a reason and i feel that thats all i can say. i just wished that things went down a little easier than they did. thats all.

[shadesogray]

Although my intent was not to cut you off in such a short time, it kinda just played out like that. The Shore was more of a punch in the face then i first expected. I didnt expect to travel, at all. I mean yes, i could have used someones elses phone when i had a 15 min break or something, or from a hotel, or a payphone, but i felt that would have made things worse....I dunno. I thought the more i talked to you longer the more it would be harder to let go. I realized that was stupid mid summer, but i figuered if i called you, it wouldnt have ended well, "Better to burn out then to fade away"..is the first thing that comes to mind.
If you never beleive a word i say again.
beleive one thing
I am sorry.

...in a perfect world we would be together..