beauty in the breakdown..
Well here it is, the last post from Shadesogray, i have had this journal for quite sometime and i feel like i need to move on from this stage of my life. This entry jumps from one thing to another, my mind is everywhere at once. I am sorry. I thought this would be longer, i cut a lot out, i ramble way to much, and i am still afraid to say a lot. So here is for the most part my last entry
This past summer i learned a lot about myself, and i learned i need to stop living in the past, I will get to all that later. I would first like to say sorry. Sorry to anyone and everyone, i have hurt most of you. I am a coward, a pathetic person for the most part. I am afraid of love, there is nothing more in the world that i want, but it seems anyone i loved, either died or destroyed my heart. Once i feel something i run, because my past tells me its not worth it. Its never the person, its always me. I am sorry, its ironic how i say that i am afraid of love and getting hurt, but i know that in the process of running that i end up hurting someone. I am worthless. I am finally learning that i can never change my past. I have never really went into deep discussion about my feelings towards my father and the events including him, because i was afraid of what i would learn. Truth is every morning i wake up hoping that he comes home. I know its fucking impossible, but i do. Seeing your own father convulsing on a hospital bed, in his final moments of consciences, trying to reach out for you, while your being fucking shoved by a doctor, telling me i cannot be there, does a number on you. I would slit the fucking throat of that doctor if i had the chance. The last moment my father could think see and feel, gone because some fucking cold asshole does things "by the book." Which leads to, I am not strong, i try to help everyone i can, i really do. Yet i am one of the weakest people i know. I can not go a day without going hey wouldn't everything be easier if you just stop living. I cannot be in a relationship where i am the strong suit, it just can't work. I really wish i could be everything you ever wanted, but i am not. Everyday, i try to stay positive but there is little around me that is positive or motivating. I keep trying to set things up that could be awesome and a good time, but I or someone or some act of god destroys it (see:living alone in a dorm room) I find myself more motivated depressed then i do in a semi good mood, its weird but it works. I need to move on with my life. I need motivation. I need this persistent feeling of completely being alone go the fuck away. I need to learn to care. Nothing new really phases me, its the past that does all the dirty work. I want to be that guy, the social one, the one who actually talks to his friends, rather then disappearing for months at a time with out even a word. I used to use the Shore as an escape, and excuse for not talking to people. Completely fill my day with ridiculous amounts of work, to forget everything. I am stopping that, i am quitting my job, i am missing the supposed to be best times of my life. Yea, i make good money that for the most part pays for school, but i realized. Hey I am working 80 hours a week, to save money for school that i hate. I am making money to do something that i hate. Maybe if i found a school i like it would be a different story, but maybe its just my motivation problems still, who knows. I am an asshole. There is so much i want to say to individuals, but i wont, why? because i am a pussy. In a sense leaving everything behind and starting a new chapter in life is just one big cop out, but its the most reasonable idea i have. I am so lonely, thats not even the word for it, but its the best one that comes to mind (chuck p ftw), lonely for something, someone new. I am coming to terms that girls won't realize that i was the one, and come back. Because lets face it, i am not nor never will be for the most part any girl. I just don't see how you can spend time with someone, tell them that the night in the park was one of the best nights in your life, but then realize that your ex is the more stable thing to do. The same "stable" ex that you cried about, often. I don't fucking get it. Nor do i get the things i do, so i guess i deserved it, even though it happened awhile ago, see stuck in the past. I thought i was going to write this and have a solid point, but it looks like its just rambling. Maybe the solid point i want is that i hate myself, i really do. and i can only try to learn from everything. I can only try to be the person i want to be, be able to have a relationship and appreciate it, to live in the moment. I have let go so long, its hard to see where to start. Maybe some day ill start a new journal, starting the new chapter of my life, i dunno. I don't know much, i really don't. But my eyes are clear, i know one thing. This part of my life is over.
I am sorry.
I really am.
Thank you for being here for these past years.
this is shadesofgray signing off.
This past summer i learned a lot about myself, and i learned i need to stop living in the past, I will get to all that later. I would first like to say sorry. Sorry to anyone and everyone, i have hurt most of you. I am a coward, a pathetic person for the most part. I am afraid of love, there is nothing more in the world that i want, but it seems anyone i loved, either died or destroyed my heart. Once i feel something i run, because my past tells me its not worth it. Its never the person, its always me. I am sorry, its ironic how i say that i am afraid of love and getting hurt, but i know that in the process of running that i end up hurting someone. I am worthless. I am finally learning that i can never change my past. I have never really went into deep discussion about my feelings towards my father and the events including him, because i was afraid of what i would learn. Truth is every morning i wake up hoping that he comes home. I know its fucking impossible, but i do. Seeing your own father convulsing on a hospital bed, in his final moments of consciences, trying to reach out for you, while your being fucking shoved by a doctor, telling me i cannot be there, does a number on you. I would slit the fucking throat of that doctor if i had the chance. The last moment my father could think see and feel, gone because some fucking cold asshole does things "by the book." Which leads to, I am not strong, i try to help everyone i can, i really do. Yet i am one of the weakest people i know. I can not go a day without going hey wouldn't everything be easier if you just stop living. I cannot be in a relationship where i am the strong suit, it just can't work. I really wish i could be everything you ever wanted, but i am not. Everyday, i try to stay positive but there is little around me that is positive or motivating. I keep trying to set things up that could be awesome and a good time, but I or someone or some act of god destroys it (see:living alone in a dorm room) I find myself more motivated depressed then i do in a semi good mood, its weird but it works. I need to move on with my life. I need motivation. I need this persistent feeling of completely being alone go the fuck away. I need to learn to care. Nothing new really phases me, its the past that does all the dirty work. I want to be that guy, the social one, the one who actually talks to his friends, rather then disappearing for months at a time with out even a word. I used to use the Shore as an escape, and excuse for not talking to people. Completely fill my day with ridiculous amounts of work, to forget everything. I am stopping that, i am quitting my job, i am missing the supposed to be best times of my life. Yea, i make good money that for the most part pays for school, but i realized. Hey I am working 80 hours a week, to save money for school that i hate. I am making money to do something that i hate. Maybe if i found a school i like it would be a different story, but maybe its just my motivation problems still, who knows. I am an asshole. There is so much i want to say to individuals, but i wont, why? because i am a pussy. In a sense leaving everything behind and starting a new chapter in life is just one big cop out, but its the most reasonable idea i have. I am so lonely, thats not even the word for it, but its the best one that comes to mind (chuck p ftw), lonely for something, someone new. I am coming to terms that girls won't realize that i was the one, and come back. Because lets face it, i am not nor never will be for the most part any girl. I just don't see how you can spend time with someone, tell them that the night in the park was one of the best nights in your life, but then realize that your ex is the more stable thing to do. The same "stable" ex that you cried about, often. I don't fucking get it. Nor do i get the things i do, so i guess i deserved it, even though it happened awhile ago, see stuck in the past. I thought i was going to write this and have a solid point, but it looks like its just rambling. Maybe the solid point i want is that i hate myself, i really do. and i can only try to learn from everything. I can only try to be the person i want to be, be able to have a relationship and appreciate it, to live in the moment. I have let go so long, its hard to see where to start. Maybe some day ill start a new journal, starting the new chapter of my life, i dunno. I don't know much, i really don't. But my eyes are clear, i know one thing. This part of my life is over.
I am sorry.
I really am.
Thank you for being here for these past years.
this is shadesofgray signing off.