(no subject)
well...i think this is my first update since ive been in france. its now been about 2 1/2 months i guess and a part of me really loves it here. its become home in a weird sort of way. i cant explain it. i dont want to come home because it means saying goodbye to so many good people. but at the same time i miss everyone back in the US so much and i cant wait to see them all.
its hard here. ive been out with three different guys and have been dumped by each and every single one of them. yesterday was the worst though. his name is louis and in my mind he was perfect. beautiful, smart, funny, and deep. we had amazing conversations and i felt like i had finally found a french guy that was more than just a beautiful face, but then he dumped me on the streetcorner outside H&M. im still in shock about it a little bit actually. i dont know what i did. i dont know what i have to do either to find someone that actually likes me. it seems like everytime im not good enough. im never cute enough or smart enough or witty enough or funny enough. im the epitemy of average. and we all know average just isnt good enough.
i should be happy that ive found such good friends here, but its not enough. im tired of being lonely. its funny, after me and sebastian broke up i was sad of course but i was happy to be single. it was a sort of freedom i hadnt felt in years and i welcomed it. now im ready to have someone in my life that actually cares about me. someone to share my true feelings with,and someone who appreciates me just for being me.
i think what scares me the most is that i'll never find someone. i dont want to be that stereotypical gay man that is still single at the age of 60. i want someone to share my life with. i want someone to grow old with and share my passions. i thought i would find that in france. i thought surely being in the one country on the earth where im constantly in awe that i would find someone, but apparently not.
so theres my update. sorry for the depressing update and for the most likely numerous spelling/grammar errors. my english has begun to suck quite a bit unfortunately.
its hard here. ive been out with three different guys and have been dumped by each and every single one of them. yesterday was the worst though. his name is louis and in my mind he was perfect. beautiful, smart, funny, and deep. we had amazing conversations and i felt like i had finally found a french guy that was more than just a beautiful face, but then he dumped me on the streetcorner outside H&M. im still in shock about it a little bit actually. i dont know what i did. i dont know what i have to do either to find someone that actually likes me. it seems like everytime im not good enough. im never cute enough or smart enough or witty enough or funny enough. im the epitemy of average. and we all know average just isnt good enough.
i should be happy that ive found such good friends here, but its not enough. im tired of being lonely. its funny, after me and sebastian broke up i was sad of course but i was happy to be single. it was a sort of freedom i hadnt felt in years and i welcomed it. now im ready to have someone in my life that actually cares about me. someone to share my true feelings with,and someone who appreciates me just for being me.
i think what scares me the most is that i'll never find someone. i dont want to be that stereotypical gay man that is still single at the age of 60. i want someone to share my life with. i want someone to grow old with and share my passions. i thought i would find that in france. i thought surely being in the one country on the earth where im constantly in awe that i would find someone, but apparently not.
so theres my update. sorry for the depressing update and for the most likely numerous spelling/grammar errors. my english has begun to suck quite a bit unfortunately.