(no subject)
This is my attempt to explain the past few months of my life, a season I am struggling to understand and still don’t. As I analyze it and pick it apart I can only guess at what is going on. I am constantly facing an inability to “know,” and to “know” is ultimately what I want. Every answer I find is paired with a doubt equal to it. It is one of the most infuriating experiences of my life.
I cannot even tell you how I got here, though I have come up with a multitude of possibilities. Maybe it was my desire to feel God and intimately experience the Holy Spirit, met with frustration when the desire remained unfulfilled. It could have been a deep focus on academics presented by intelligent men and women based on the assumption of a secular world. I became increasingly disturbed by the many who confidently deny the existence of God or the claims of Jesus. I found myself facing big questions that no answer could satisfy. Theories of brainwashing persisted and I began to wonder if what I believed was reality or merely a false interpretation of it.
By the middle of November, I found myself lost in a whirlwind of questions and thoughts. I didn’t know what was real anymore. I began to cling to what I could claim as undeniable. I would think through every action and experience, distinguishing fact from interpretation. For instance, I would often have trouble sleeping. As I lie awake, I pinpointed the reality of the situation: that I could not fall asleep even though I wanted to. Exactly why this was happening was up to interpretation. So I would continue to lie awake, wondering if what I was experiencing was purely physical, psychological, spiritual, or all three.
I was annoyed because I was so full of anxiety even though life in general was going smoothly. I was doing well in school and I enjoyed my classes. I loved where I worked and was not overwhelmed with hours. I sincerely believed I had the most wonderful friends in the world. I was enjoying my life and having fun. I felt loved and I was learning to love myself. I had no reason to be unhappy. Yet I was miserable. I was miserable because the foundation of my life seemed to be crumbling, the thing that gave me the most joy seemed to be gone, and I was constantly unsure and fearful.
I became desperate to find answers, to find truth, and so I attempted to remove all biases and begin to research. After all the reading I have done, I have gotten nowhere. I was a skeptic of every argument presented. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that no one really knew anything; everyone is sure they know the truth yet everyone is holding onto a different truth. But truth is not a relative matter.
As I researched my questions, two things occurred, and they completely contradict each other. The first was relief at the evidence for God, the nature of faith in science, the limitedness of science, and the logic for God. The second was an increase of disbelief as the thought of a God seemed less and less plausible and more and more ridiculous. I cannot explain that at all, because it literally makes no sense. It tore me apart though, because I thought seeing the reason and logic of God would be enough to erase the doubt, and it wasn’t.
I really want to take the time now to describe doubt, though that too perturbs me because I can only explain it using abstract illustrations, which causes me to question the reality of what I am experiencing. Nonetheless, the doubt feels like a wall or chains, depending. The wall comes when I am immersed in the Christian subculture, conversing with a Christian, reading the bible or Christian literature, or attempting to pray. It is as if I am trying to get to God and hit a wall with every attempt. I have this visual of running face first into bricks and smashing my nose in, then trying to run at it again only to get the same result. When I go to worship in song, I can barely get my voice to work because I know my heart isn’t in it. When I go to pray, I am bombarded with what ifs and the idea that God isn’t really there and that I am only a crazy person talking to the ceiling. And whenever I begin to think that maybe I can fully believe again, something, usually a thought, blocks the way and makes it impossible again.
The second illustration of doubt is chains wrapped around my limbs and head. This is usually when I am by myself, reading or writing or deep in thought. The chains are thick and heavy, pulling my limbs to the ground and making me completely immobile. They penetrate my skull and wrap around my brain, causing me to be a prisoner of my own mind. I am trapped. I am stuck. I cannot get out. I am weak and powerless against these chains. Remedies of television, standup comedy, drinking, and art never destroy the chains, but only help me to momentarily forget.
And this, this doubt, is what has caused me so much distress.
Thank you, livejournal, for providing an outlet for me to both process and express.
I cannot even tell you how I got here, though I have come up with a multitude of possibilities. Maybe it was my desire to feel God and intimately experience the Holy Spirit, met with frustration when the desire remained unfulfilled. It could have been a deep focus on academics presented by intelligent men and women based on the assumption of a secular world. I became increasingly disturbed by the many who confidently deny the existence of God or the claims of Jesus. I found myself facing big questions that no answer could satisfy. Theories of brainwashing persisted and I began to wonder if what I believed was reality or merely a false interpretation of it.
By the middle of November, I found myself lost in a whirlwind of questions and thoughts. I didn’t know what was real anymore. I began to cling to what I could claim as undeniable. I would think through every action and experience, distinguishing fact from interpretation. For instance, I would often have trouble sleeping. As I lie awake, I pinpointed the reality of the situation: that I could not fall asleep even though I wanted to. Exactly why this was happening was up to interpretation. So I would continue to lie awake, wondering if what I was experiencing was purely physical, psychological, spiritual, or all three.
I was annoyed because I was so full of anxiety even though life in general was going smoothly. I was doing well in school and I enjoyed my classes. I loved where I worked and was not overwhelmed with hours. I sincerely believed I had the most wonderful friends in the world. I was enjoying my life and having fun. I felt loved and I was learning to love myself. I had no reason to be unhappy. Yet I was miserable. I was miserable because the foundation of my life seemed to be crumbling, the thing that gave me the most joy seemed to be gone, and I was constantly unsure and fearful.
I became desperate to find answers, to find truth, and so I attempted to remove all biases and begin to research. After all the reading I have done, I have gotten nowhere. I was a skeptic of every argument presented. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that no one really knew anything; everyone is sure they know the truth yet everyone is holding onto a different truth. But truth is not a relative matter.
As I researched my questions, two things occurred, and they completely contradict each other. The first was relief at the evidence for God, the nature of faith in science, the limitedness of science, and the logic for God. The second was an increase of disbelief as the thought of a God seemed less and less plausible and more and more ridiculous. I cannot explain that at all, because it literally makes no sense. It tore me apart though, because I thought seeing the reason and logic of God would be enough to erase the doubt, and it wasn’t.
I really want to take the time now to describe doubt, though that too perturbs me because I can only explain it using abstract illustrations, which causes me to question the reality of what I am experiencing. Nonetheless, the doubt feels like a wall or chains, depending. The wall comes when I am immersed in the Christian subculture, conversing with a Christian, reading the bible or Christian literature, or attempting to pray. It is as if I am trying to get to God and hit a wall with every attempt. I have this visual of running face first into bricks and smashing my nose in, then trying to run at it again only to get the same result. When I go to worship in song, I can barely get my voice to work because I know my heart isn’t in it. When I go to pray, I am bombarded with what ifs and the idea that God isn’t really there and that I am only a crazy person talking to the ceiling. And whenever I begin to think that maybe I can fully believe again, something, usually a thought, blocks the way and makes it impossible again.
The second illustration of doubt is chains wrapped around my limbs and head. This is usually when I am by myself, reading or writing or deep in thought. The chains are thick and heavy, pulling my limbs to the ground and making me completely immobile. They penetrate my skull and wrap around my brain, causing me to be a prisoner of my own mind. I am trapped. I am stuck. I cannot get out. I am weak and powerless against these chains. Remedies of television, standup comedy, drinking, and art never destroy the chains, but only help me to momentarily forget.
And this, this doubt, is what has caused me so much distress.
Thank you, livejournal, for providing an outlet for me to both process and express.