(private entry)
FUCK, fuck my stupid brain and fucking emotions and memory. i can't get back to sleep, i had a nightmare re-living that godforsaken day when i was attacked. i was being choked, but this time nobody was there to save me. i can't believe how real it still felt in the dream, i actually ran right to the mirror when i woke up, looking at my neck, expecting to see those bruises. i wish there was a place in real life that could erase your bad memories, like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i've just been sitting here crying into a pillow and hugging it like it's gonna protect me or something. it'd be nice if i had a person to actually hug and cry to. i'm nearly tempted to email or text someone, just to have someone to talk to, but really, talking about it isn't gonna change anything and right now i can't pretend to be cheerful either. it won't help me forget, and then all i'd be doing is putting my bad shit onto someone else who can only say so many comforting words that won't do much good. i just wanna be happy and fun to be around, not wah wah feeling sorry for myself and not being able to get over things. i already put vic and gui through that and somehow they didn't kick me out for it. i have to rely on myself, i just have to be stronger and pretend it never happened, i can't be like this and be a good friend to anyone or be useful at work. i don't get this, because i haven't had a nightmare in awhile, and the self defense really helped, and being in this new flat felt better. i just need to focus hard on anything else..then maybe this horrible memory and the feelings that i have will just go far away and i won't think about it anymore.