Back to the drawing board...
I tend to do this when I am in a state of 'starting over.'
I tend to 'start over' when things don't go well.
And I learn lesson after lesson.
You'd think at 25 years old, I'd have a pretty big handful of lessons. And yes, I do.
But there are always more.
Like some horribly cheesy sitcom where at the end, there is a moral learned and at the start of the next episode, its like nothing ever really happened.
Basically, let's start here:
I feel old.
I feel much older than I am.
I feel soul tired. I feel alone. I feel like I am constantly rearranging numbers to convince myself that I am still young and there are an infinite number of possibilities that lay before me.
But truthfully? Let's not dance around it:
I'm a recovering suicidal case who is 25, single, and lives at home with her parents.
Brief kindness to myself?
Ok, we're in the middle of a mass recession.
But back to being brutal?
I'm not exactly a catch, and any and all good qualities in me are rather fleeting, and seem to be vastly outweighed by my flaws. In literature, I'm perfect villainous fodder, or head case.
Is this a deep, massive, depressive rant? No. Its not. I am not deeply, or massively depressed. Just a little tired, and frustrated. Broke, definitely. Feeling like I'm going nowhere, and without much to look forward to. Maybe a few days and some sunshine can turn this frown up side down... Or maybe I should just accept that fact that I may very well just not be a good person.
How does one deal with not being a good person? I suppose I could go to an extreme and just capitalize on being a BAD person. Like...a REALLY bad person. Do bad people love? Can bad people trust a circle of bad people friends? Or... do bad people really know they're bad people?
And is there a difference between bad people and just fucked up people? Maybe I have soul issues. Maybe I don't have one. I suppose that's not true either because things weigh heavily on it. I do have a heart too. If I didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much. And I wouldn't love my friends the way I do, so deeply.
So where do I go from here? I keep working on myself, I suppose. I find things to laugh at and about. I stay away from men. They're all a fucking mess. The good ones don't want me and I only attract messes. Therefore, if they are attracted to me, I should keep them miles away, if they are not attracted to me, I should admire them from a distance, and if I am attracted to them, well.. God help them.
Lesbian? No. Just can't do that either.
Therapy? I have no idea. Expensive. I out think the therapists too. I know what they're doing. Counseling? waste of time. Why when I've got friends? Maybe they're tired of me though, I don't know. I would be.
I've begun cutting poison out of my life though. if it feels not right, if I get an odd or uncomfortable vibe, I ditch it. As immediately as I can. I'll stick to what keeps me comfortable for now. That means my current job. My current, albeit small, circle of friends. Maybe even cut that down too. Same few songs I know on the guitar.
I'm not feeling adventurous. I'm feeling a bit burned and upset. With life and with myself.
I'm feeling quiet and tired. I'm feeling stupid. Really, really, really stupid. And I'm feeling like I'm done with myself as a person. Not like suicidally or anything, but like in a ... "I'm gonna read a ton of books and watch a lot of movies and not spend any time in my head" kind of way. like in a "I'm not gonna talk about myself or refer to myself unless i can help it" kind of way....
In a "I've deleted my facebook and myspace accounts and don't want anyone to find me" kind of way. In a "I give up on myself for now" kind of way... yeah. in that kind of way.
Again, food has no draw.
and also,
I hate men.
I tend to 'start over' when things don't go well.
And I learn lesson after lesson.
You'd think at 25 years old, I'd have a pretty big handful of lessons. And yes, I do.
But there are always more.
Like some horribly cheesy sitcom where at the end, there is a moral learned and at the start of the next episode, its like nothing ever really happened.
Basically, let's start here:
I feel old.
I feel much older than I am.
I feel soul tired. I feel alone. I feel like I am constantly rearranging numbers to convince myself that I am still young and there are an infinite number of possibilities that lay before me.
But truthfully? Let's not dance around it:
I'm a recovering suicidal case who is 25, single, and lives at home with her parents.
Brief kindness to myself?
Ok, we're in the middle of a mass recession.
But back to being brutal?
I'm not exactly a catch, and any and all good qualities in me are rather fleeting, and seem to be vastly outweighed by my flaws. In literature, I'm perfect villainous fodder, or head case.
Is this a deep, massive, depressive rant? No. Its not. I am not deeply, or massively depressed. Just a little tired, and frustrated. Broke, definitely. Feeling like I'm going nowhere, and without much to look forward to. Maybe a few days and some sunshine can turn this frown up side down... Or maybe I should just accept that fact that I may very well just not be a good person.
How does one deal with not being a good person? I suppose I could go to an extreme and just capitalize on being a BAD person. Like...a REALLY bad person. Do bad people love? Can bad people trust a circle of bad people friends? Or... do bad people really know they're bad people?
And is there a difference between bad people and just fucked up people? Maybe I have soul issues. Maybe I don't have one. I suppose that's not true either because things weigh heavily on it. I do have a heart too. If I didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much. And I wouldn't love my friends the way I do, so deeply.
So where do I go from here? I keep working on myself, I suppose. I find things to laugh at and about. I stay away from men. They're all a fucking mess. The good ones don't want me and I only attract messes. Therefore, if they are attracted to me, I should keep them miles away, if they are not attracted to me, I should admire them from a distance, and if I am attracted to them, well.. God help them.
Lesbian? No. Just can't do that either.
Therapy? I have no idea. Expensive. I out think the therapists too. I know what they're doing. Counseling? waste of time. Why when I've got friends? Maybe they're tired of me though, I don't know. I would be.
I've begun cutting poison out of my life though. if it feels not right, if I get an odd or uncomfortable vibe, I ditch it. As immediately as I can. I'll stick to what keeps me comfortable for now. That means my current job. My current, albeit small, circle of friends. Maybe even cut that down too. Same few songs I know on the guitar.
I'm not feeling adventurous. I'm feeling a bit burned and upset. With life and with myself.
I'm feeling quiet and tired. I'm feeling stupid. Really, really, really stupid. And I'm feeling like I'm done with myself as a person. Not like suicidally or anything, but like in a ... "I'm gonna read a ton of books and watch a lot of movies and not spend any time in my head" kind of way. like in a "I'm not gonna talk about myself or refer to myself unless i can help it" kind of way....
In a "I've deleted my facebook and myspace accounts and don't want anyone to find me" kind of way. In a "I give up on myself for now" kind of way... yeah. in that kind of way.
Again, food has no draw.
and also,
I hate men.