I had this horror dream last night.
I'm not even sure I can call it a nightmare. It didn't hold that ethereal quality nightmares always seem to hold. The feeling that, though its horrifying, you realize it is a nightmare and it couldn't possibly be happening. What I dreamt about seemed so horribly palpible that it's impossible to dismiss as something that 'couldn't happen'.
So there I was, 20 years from now, more than that? The only thing I know is that I felt like I was older, but not extremely older, if you know what I mean. And I was sick, I'm guessing laying in my deathbed somewhere. And I was completely and utterly alone. I even smelled that distinctive baby powder/soap/disinfectant smell that all hospitals seem to have. All I saw were nurses and doctors pounding up and down the halls through my doorway.
And that was the entire dream. It was monotonous. No one ever came, I didn't dream up someone to come save me. Or help me.
I think maybe, even now when it's so far away, that might be my biggest fear. I've been tossed out and thrown away so many times that I think I've almost come to accept that must be the way it is for me.
To make things worse, I might have ruined the one chance I had at feeling semi-normal today. I started hanging out more with this boy I know the other day. I guess you can call it a date. But it was very casual. Everything was. We almost saw a movie together but were too late for it. Missed the 7:30, wouldn't be another until 9:00. We were lazy.
Today when I woke up I called him and invited him to stop by so we could go do something. He showed up. I was getting ready. He sat down on the edge of my bed in front of my fan, the only source of comfort in my home that lacks air conditioning.
And for whatever reason, through my own stupidity, recklessness, whatever it was. I kissed him. If that doesn't sound quite bad, it turned quite heated and crazy. And when we were finished, he looked uncomfortable. And I felt stupid. I frowned, he got up, and told me that he wasn't sure this was what he wanted. And proceeded to walk out the door.
I haven't called him yet to apologize. I'm not even sure what to say. All this time I was worried about people being too fast with me and I went and did it to someone else. What's wrong with me? I don't blame him if he doesn't forgive me.
So there I was, 20 years from now, more than that? The only thing I know is that I felt like I was older, but not extremely older, if you know what I mean. And I was sick, I'm guessing laying in my deathbed somewhere. And I was completely and utterly alone. I even smelled that distinctive baby powder/soap/disinfectant smell that all hospitals seem to have. All I saw were nurses and doctors pounding up and down the halls through my doorway.
And that was the entire dream. It was monotonous. No one ever came, I didn't dream up someone to come save me. Or help me.
I think maybe, even now when it's so far away, that might be my biggest fear. I've been tossed out and thrown away so many times that I think I've almost come to accept that must be the way it is for me.
To make things worse, I might have ruined the one chance I had at feeling semi-normal today. I started hanging out more with this boy I know the other day. I guess you can call it a date. But it was very casual. Everything was. We almost saw a movie together but were too late for it. Missed the 7:30, wouldn't be another until 9:00. We were lazy.
Today when I woke up I called him and invited him to stop by so we could go do something. He showed up. I was getting ready. He sat down on the edge of my bed in front of my fan, the only source of comfort in my home that lacks air conditioning.
And for whatever reason, through my own stupidity, recklessness, whatever it was. I kissed him. If that doesn't sound quite bad, it turned quite heated and crazy. And when we were finished, he looked uncomfortable. And I felt stupid. I frowned, he got up, and told me that he wasn't sure this was what he wanted. And proceeded to walk out the door.
I haven't called him yet to apologize. I'm not even sure what to say. All this time I was worried about people being too fast with me and I went and did it to someone else. What's wrong with me? I don't blame him if he doesn't forgive me.