Asdkjf;sa;;
Yes, I'm up at 7:23 AM even though I don't have school anymore. Why? Because I can't sleep. How come? Lots of reasons!
So I've linked quite a few people to here, but I don't know if they actually read, so this entry might be more or less my own way of working things out without actually caring if anyone else wants to help me through it. When I'm upset, my posts tend to get lengthy. Just a warning.
Most obvious reason why I can't sleep - it's like infinity degrees. I'm sweatier than hell and it's gross and uncomfortable and I don't even want to touch my bed because it's hot and sticky. Yuck. My mom promised to put in the air conditioners (one in my room, living room, etc) so we don't shrivel up and dehydrate and turn into raisens (pretending for a moment we were grapes in the first place). I for one am seriously going to suffer until she does so, so I hope the rest of them are sleeping well in their rooms anywhere other than the attic.
More deep, concerning reason why I can't sleep - because I'm a mixed up, confused and hurt little bastard right now. Who, coincedentally, seems to be confusing people himself lately. Have you ever tried really hard to explain something to someone only to have it completely misunderstood a thousand times? It sucks, huh? No matter how many times you say it, no matter how many different WAYS you say it, it's still taken the wrong way.
Condensed version - I was traded in for the newer model. See, the strange thing is I quite like the other guy quite a lot myself. He's sweet, very caring, patient as all hell, and I can see why someone would want him like that. You'd think someone in his position would hate my guts, but see, he doesn't, and that's where I start to get confused. First, as far as I know, Tim and Trey = friends. I come along, disorder things, Tim = likes me. I = adore Tim. Trey = left out. Tim = also likes Trey.
If you can't already see trouble start than you're blind, because even I wasn't idiotic enough at that point to not expect some trouble.
Just didn't expect it like THIS.
Tim = convinces Trey that he likes him after Trey repeatedly doesn't believe him. Trey = very loving towards Tim. I = still adoring Tim.
Me and Tim have been through our issues. We fought, over both serious and ridiculous things. I've done some stupid shit, I've said some stupid shit. I've lied about things. I'm the first person to admit that. Talk to me and I will give you a detailed explaination about everything shitty that I've done, because one = I don't want to sound like this innocent little victim. Two = I don't want anyone to think of Tim as a jerk. Three = I probably deserve any lecturing I get in the process. The point is, I was /wrong/. About a lot of things. In doing a lot of things. And I'm ashamed. Also, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall, because I know that if I would've just told the truth about some stupid little nothing issues I probably could've prevented a lot of this. But no. I = had to be a stupid, unthinking, paranoid asshole. What did THAT result in? Nothing that helped me very much. I made a lot of people hate me. Or at least diminished the feelings people had for me. That leaves me with one of the things I'm most afraid of = being alone. Feeling alone, talking to myself, like this stupid journal entry. Who cares about this stupid goddamn journal entry? Nobody but me. Who's going to read this? Nobody but me. So there lies an explanation of how pathetic I am right now. Where the only way I can even feel remotely better is by telling myself how shitty I feel. That's sad. Pour on the selfpity.
Here's the condensed list of why my life sucks right now, not in any particular order -
1) I'm having problems with my stupid goddamned thyroid. I have to have two biopsies done on the little fuckers inside of my neck. Two needles. In my neck. See needles and Jaser don't mix at all. We're not on friendly terms. We might go to war with each other. Those doctors are going to have a GOOD time with me that day.
2) Starting to get side effects from medication I'm taking for HIV. Stomach pain, headaches, just feeling generally achey and weak a lot of the time. Those are a few of them. Also, I can't remember the last time I've shit like a normal human being. Eww.
3) I know I bombed all of my finals. Well, all of them except art and design. Why? Because I'm one of those silent, creative types in school. As outspoken as I am on the net, I'm three times less than that on an everyday basis. Sometimes I have an attitude with people, sometimes I let them say things about me and go off and cry somewhere. Yeah, MOODSWINGS.
4) The one person in my life I feel like pure, unconditional love for no longer feels the same way about me. And I still keep clinging to him and annoying to him like some scraggly little dog.
And you know what? I feel like a dog. If you suddenly don't want your dog anymore, it doesn't understand that. Even if you keep shoving it away, it'll keep coming back cause it loves you. And you'll get pissed off at it and not want it to be there, but fuck dude, it's a dog, it doesn't have anywhere else to go. And it depended on you for all this time, so what do you expect it to do? Shrug it's little puppy shoulders and walk off somewhere to find a new owner? It doesn't work that way. It won't eat, since it's not being fed, and it'll eventually get sick and malnourished and could quite possibly die. If you adopt a puppy, it's your responsibility. Even if you don't LIKE it that much anymore, or it grows from a puppy into a stupid adult dog, you should take care of it. Maybe pet it sometimes, scratch behind it's ears, let it know you don't HATE it, or it'll start whining and be generally pathetic. Or at least find it another owner. Cause it's not gonna do so well on it's own.
Right now, I feel like I'm in the pound or something. People start to like me, but decide I'm too high maintanence and they want a puppy that's easier to care for. One that doesn't need constant attention.
Maybe I'm insecure, maybe I just want to know why I go to bed everynight with him on my mind. How come this guy, someone who's both said things to me that both shot me down, but at the same time things that made me feel like I couldn't possibly feel any happier, is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night, and the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning? Why is he making me feel like it's horrible to feel like this for him? To be honest, I feel like an idiot. It's as if he doesnt even want ME to love him anymore. And I just can't help it. I've never had to go through something like this before.
So I've linked quite a few people to here, but I don't know if they actually read, so this entry might be more or less my own way of working things out without actually caring if anyone else wants to help me through it. When I'm upset, my posts tend to get lengthy. Just a warning.
Most obvious reason why I can't sleep - it's like infinity degrees. I'm sweatier than hell and it's gross and uncomfortable and I don't even want to touch my bed because it's hot and sticky. Yuck. My mom promised to put in the air conditioners (one in my room, living room, etc) so we don't shrivel up and dehydrate and turn into raisens (pretending for a moment we were grapes in the first place). I for one am seriously going to suffer until she does so, so I hope the rest of them are sleeping well in their rooms anywhere other than the attic.
More deep, concerning reason why I can't sleep - because I'm a mixed up, confused and hurt little bastard right now. Who, coincedentally, seems to be confusing people himself lately. Have you ever tried really hard to explain something to someone only to have it completely misunderstood a thousand times? It sucks, huh? No matter how many times you say it, no matter how many different WAYS you say it, it's still taken the wrong way.
Condensed version - I was traded in for the newer model. See, the strange thing is I quite like the other guy quite a lot myself. He's sweet, very caring, patient as all hell, and I can see why someone would want him like that. You'd think someone in his position would hate my guts, but see, he doesn't, and that's where I start to get confused. First, as far as I know, Tim and Trey = friends. I come along, disorder things, Tim = likes me. I = adore Tim. Trey = left out. Tim = also likes Trey.
If you can't already see trouble start than you're blind, because even I wasn't idiotic enough at that point to not expect some trouble.
Just didn't expect it like THIS.
Tim = convinces Trey that he likes him after Trey repeatedly doesn't believe him. Trey = very loving towards Tim. I = still adoring Tim.
Me and Tim have been through our issues. We fought, over both serious and ridiculous things. I've done some stupid shit, I've said some stupid shit. I've lied about things. I'm the first person to admit that. Talk to me and I will give you a detailed explaination about everything shitty that I've done, because one = I don't want to sound like this innocent little victim. Two = I don't want anyone to think of Tim as a jerk. Three = I probably deserve any lecturing I get in the process. The point is, I was /wrong/. About a lot of things. In doing a lot of things. And I'm ashamed. Also, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall, because I know that if I would've just told the truth about some stupid little nothing issues I probably could've prevented a lot of this. But no. I = had to be a stupid, unthinking, paranoid asshole. What did THAT result in? Nothing that helped me very much. I made a lot of people hate me. Or at least diminished the feelings people had for me. That leaves me with one of the things I'm most afraid of = being alone. Feeling alone, talking to myself, like this stupid journal entry. Who cares about this stupid goddamn journal entry? Nobody but me. Who's going to read this? Nobody but me. So there lies an explanation of how pathetic I am right now. Where the only way I can even feel remotely better is by telling myself how shitty I feel. That's sad. Pour on the selfpity.
Here's the condensed list of why my life sucks right now, not in any particular order -
1) I'm having problems with my stupid goddamned thyroid. I have to have two biopsies done on the little fuckers inside of my neck. Two needles. In my neck. See needles and Jaser don't mix at all. We're not on friendly terms. We might go to war with each other. Those doctors are going to have a GOOD time with me that day.
2) Starting to get side effects from medication I'm taking for HIV. Stomach pain, headaches, just feeling generally achey and weak a lot of the time. Those are a few of them. Also, I can't remember the last time I've shit like a normal human being. Eww.
3) I know I bombed all of my finals. Well, all of them except art and design. Why? Because I'm one of those silent, creative types in school. As outspoken as I am on the net, I'm three times less than that on an everyday basis. Sometimes I have an attitude with people, sometimes I let them say things about me and go off and cry somewhere. Yeah, MOODSWINGS.
4) The one person in my life I feel like pure, unconditional love for no longer feels the same way about me. And I still keep clinging to him and annoying to him like some scraggly little dog.
And you know what? I feel like a dog. If you suddenly don't want your dog anymore, it doesn't understand that. Even if you keep shoving it away, it'll keep coming back cause it loves you. And you'll get pissed off at it and not want it to be there, but fuck dude, it's a dog, it doesn't have anywhere else to go. And it depended on you for all this time, so what do you expect it to do? Shrug it's little puppy shoulders and walk off somewhere to find a new owner? It doesn't work that way. It won't eat, since it's not being fed, and it'll eventually get sick and malnourished and could quite possibly die. If you adopt a puppy, it's your responsibility. Even if you don't LIKE it that much anymore, or it grows from a puppy into a stupid adult dog, you should take care of it. Maybe pet it sometimes, scratch behind it's ears, let it know you don't HATE it, or it'll start whining and be generally pathetic. Or at least find it another owner. Cause it's not gonna do so well on it's own.
Right now, I feel like I'm in the pound or something. People start to like me, but decide I'm too high maintanence and they want a puppy that's easier to care for. One that doesn't need constant attention.
Maybe I'm insecure, maybe I just want to know why I go to bed everynight with him on my mind. How come this guy, someone who's both said things to me that both shot me down, but at the same time things that made me feel like I couldn't possibly feel any happier, is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night, and the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning? Why is he making me feel like it's horrible to feel like this for him? To be honest, I feel like an idiot. It's as if he doesnt even want ME to love him anymore. And I just can't help it. I've never had to go through something like this before.