Restless
Something is terribly wrong with my life right now. I can't pinpoint it, but I know that there is some flaw that is throwing off everything. Everything I do causes stress.... even my escapes. I've been really stressed this past month. I started school again, but that certainly can't be why I'm so tense. I'm thinking I'll quit World of Warcraft for a while. That game in itself is a stress and it also leads me to exclude a lot of other things from my life. MMORPG's have to go. I'll think on it a while though, I do so love ganking AC.
Work isn't that stressful. I'm only there four times a week, tops. I make money when I'm there. Money to pay the absurd amount of credit card purchases/transfers that I've made in the past three months. Yeah, finances could be part of the stress factor...but not really, I'm steadily paying stuff down... I've had bills since I was sixteen. I don't think that's it.
I honestly don't recall having a day I would label as 'good' up here. I feel like this is all just a waste of time... and it feels like my last shot at proving myself... but I still feel the failure.
Often of late, I find myself thinking... Why didn't I choose to become a doctor. If I had applied myself a little earlier I would currently be making a nice amount of money. I'm not sure that that would make me happy though. I really don't know what does make me happy anymore. Everything that makes me happy one moment can just as easily make me tired, or angry, or sad the next. I don't get me. I don't understand me. I have this bad feeling that I need a new place... new surroundings...
This is the feeling I had when I moved back to Winter Haven a year ago. I felt so relieved then. Maybe it's just the feeling of not having anyone's (financial) support. I know my family loves me. I know they can't help me. I also haven't talked to them since I've been up here(except right before during and after a visit to WH).
I'm really feeling rather alone here, surrounded by all of my friends. It's quite the paradox.
I miss Carmina a lot. I miss being there for her when she needs me. I miss her being there for me when I need her(a whole lot more often than she thinks I'm sure). All those visits out to Davenport weren't for the sake of making her happy. They were to make me happy. I need to see her often... it helps keep me sane, it helps me smile, it helps me believe that love is real. I had forgotten all about that when I was up here the first time. Everything was about physical attraction... everyone up here seems that way to me. Shallow. Fake. I know that what I experienced with Carmina(on a daily basis) was more than just that. I know that I love her. I know that it's more than just an attraction to her stunning good looks. I know that if I were 60 I'd still want to be with her(and not just cause she'll still look like she's in her thirties). I know that I've set myself up for the potential to be hurt worse than I ever have before... I knew that going into the relationship. I still dove into it head first. I knew that in Carmina I had found someone I could love with all my heart. I miss her.
I wish Steve was up here. He really helped me through the original reason I came to Tally. He listened and sided with me just because he knew and saw how hurt I was. It's funny really, all that stuff from way back when... all that pain and all that hate doesn't matter one lick anymore.
It's amazing how you can grow in a few years. It's amazing how your friends can help you through rough spots... I show loyalty to my friends... I often wonder why. Sometimes they're just as backstabbing and trecherous as you think everyone else is. Only when they are it's one hundred times worse. Sadly, I've been that treacherous friend before. I never want to be at that low point again, but somehow I feel as if I'm balanced on a needle tip and if one more strong wind blows I'll fall off. What do you want, I'm no good at metaphors.
I think I've finally typed myself to sleep, so I'm going now.
-alter.
Work isn't that stressful. I'm only there four times a week, tops. I make money when I'm there. Money to pay the absurd amount of credit card purchases/transfers that I've made in the past three months. Yeah, finances could be part of the stress factor...but not really, I'm steadily paying stuff down... I've had bills since I was sixteen. I don't think that's it.
I honestly don't recall having a day I would label as 'good' up here. I feel like this is all just a waste of time... and it feels like my last shot at proving myself... but I still feel the failure.
Often of late, I find myself thinking... Why didn't I choose to become a doctor. If I had applied myself a little earlier I would currently be making a nice amount of money. I'm not sure that that would make me happy though. I really don't know what does make me happy anymore. Everything that makes me happy one moment can just as easily make me tired, or angry, or sad the next. I don't get me. I don't understand me. I have this bad feeling that I need a new place... new surroundings...
This is the feeling I had when I moved back to Winter Haven a year ago. I felt so relieved then. Maybe it's just the feeling of not having anyone's (financial) support. I know my family loves me. I know they can't help me. I also haven't talked to them since I've been up here(except right before during and after a visit to WH).
I'm really feeling rather alone here, surrounded by all of my friends. It's quite the paradox.
I miss Carmina a lot. I miss being there for her when she needs me. I miss her being there for me when I need her(a whole lot more often than she thinks I'm sure). All those visits out to Davenport weren't for the sake of making her happy. They were to make me happy. I need to see her often... it helps keep me sane, it helps me smile, it helps me believe that love is real. I had forgotten all about that when I was up here the first time. Everything was about physical attraction... everyone up here seems that way to me. Shallow. Fake. I know that what I experienced with Carmina(on a daily basis) was more than just that. I know that I love her. I know that it's more than just an attraction to her stunning good looks. I know that if I were 60 I'd still want to be with her(and not just cause she'll still look like she's in her thirties). I know that I've set myself up for the potential to be hurt worse than I ever have before... I knew that going into the relationship. I still dove into it head first. I knew that in Carmina I had found someone I could love with all my heart. I miss her.
I wish Steve was up here. He really helped me through the original reason I came to Tally. He listened and sided with me just because he knew and saw how hurt I was. It's funny really, all that stuff from way back when... all that pain and all that hate doesn't matter one lick anymore.
It's amazing how you can grow in a few years. It's amazing how your friends can help you through rough spots... I show loyalty to my friends... I often wonder why. Sometimes they're just as backstabbing and trecherous as you think everyone else is. Only when they are it's one hundred times worse. Sadly, I've been that treacherous friend before. I never want to be at that low point again, but somehow I feel as if I'm balanced on a needle tip and if one more strong wind blows I'll fall off. What do you want, I'm no good at metaphors.
I think I've finally typed myself to sleep, so I'm going now.
-alter.