I want a lot
I keep feeling like I am not getting enough out of life right now. I keep smoking when I don't really enjoy it. I hate cigarettes but it is the only thing keeping me from blowing my own brains out. I have no real stress other than maintaining my grades. That's the worst of my worries. Other than that, I want something out of life I don't have right now. I mean I really want a girlfriend. I want a relationship with someone who interests me. I know who that person is too and that is what is making this so much worse. I had my chance last night to do something, but all I did was make out. The truth is that I didn't want to do much more than that. I hate the fact that this fucking girl has been on my mind somewhere for the past year or two. Another thing is that this girl has a boyfriend that shows no interest in her. It sucks because i know that if i had the chance, I would treat her so nicely and make it work. We are so compatible and I am so attracted to her mentally. I mean there haven't been many girls out there that could make me as weak in the knees as she does. This is eating me alive and had I known that I had a chance, I would have done something so much earlier. There is no one to blame in this situation except myself. Life just got really confusing and I really am at a loss for words. I can't even get another thought into my brain. I didn't sleep well last night even though the night before I only got like 3 hours of sleep. The truly saddest part is that when i was with her last night alone, it felt so fucking right. I felt so in place and that nothing could ruin my day. I spent fucking six hours over her house and it felt like a couple of minutes. If I could have that everyday, then my life would be right. I would feel accomplished in something which hasn't happened in a while. I just don't want to be alone, but also I don't want another girl.