Fic: Straight, No Chaser (1/1) R
TITLE: Straight, No Chaser
AUTHOR: Laura Smith
PAIRING: R/S, J/L, R/L, J/S
RATING: R
SUMMARY: Misunderstandings abound!
DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and all the characters therein belong to people who are not me. I make no profit from this, I just like playing with them.
NOTES: You can very much blame this on musesfool who, one night while chatting, reminded me of this title and then told me very specifically what I was to write. And then tonight I got all plotbunny-y and here it is.
“James.” Lily scoffed and picked a daisy from beneath the tree, refusing to glance over to where James and Sirius were attempting to impress any girl that would look with their flying prowess and general stupidity. “James is using me as a front for the fact that he’s head over heels in love with Sirius Black.”
Remus choked on his pumpkin juice, nearly spraying it across the blanket he’d transfigured from his necktie. “What?” He coughed.
“Oh, don’t pretend you’re not keenly aware of what no doubt goes on behind the curtains after lights out.” She began plucking the petals off the daisy methodically. “You’re in the same room as them, Remus. It must be obvious that they’re shagging.”
He set his glass down and swallowed hard. “And, er…how do you know…why do you suspect this?”
“Surely you’ve seen them? Always hanging off one another and lolling around together. If you can name a moment they’ve spent more than an hour apart that wasn’t related to class or detention, I’ll eat my History of Magic text.”
“They’re friends.”
Lily smiled triumphantly. “You can’t do it, can you? And boys at the age of 16 are not friends. They’re either troublemakers or shirtlifters. Or, in the case of our notorious twosome, both.”
“And where, pray tell, have you gleaned this knowledge of 16 year old boys?” He reached up to play with his tie and, realizing it wasn’t there, settled for fiddling with the top button of his shirt. “Let me guess - from other 16 year old boys?”
“No, Remus.” She smiled at him and shook her head. “From you.”
“Me?” He choked again and poured his pumpkin juice onto the grass in an attempt to keep from being killed by it. “What did…how…?”
“Well, you’re nothing like them, are you? You’re studious and, though you get into a bit of trouble now and again, you’re not constantly seeking out attention.”
“Er, I rather think they seek the attention of the girls…”
“If that were the case, they’d be dipping our braids in ink and lifting up our skirts instead of tormenting Severus and the rest of the Slytherins.” She straightened her skirt and offered more pumpkin juice, which he declined. “You’ve got your own way about you, Remus, and it’s nothing like them.”
“I don’t know that you can judge everyone based on…”
Lily leaned over and kissed Remus on the cheek. “You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“Right.” Remus blew out a sigh. “Exactly.”
**
“She what?” James’s roar filled the room as he advanced on Remus. “She. What?”
“She thinks you and I are having a go at it under the sheets, Prongs.” Sirius sprawled back on his bed. “Obviously you’re not emitting enough of a heterosexual vibe. Or Miss Evans knows something we don’t.”
“And what about you?” Remus cocked an eyebrow. “I believe her believing James was a poof had something to do with his permanent attachment to you.”
“Well,” Sirius waved his hand, “of course she’d think that. It’s quite clear that everyone wants me.” He dodged the pillow James threw at him and sat up. “I think I’ve done my level best to prove very clearly to everyone at Hogwarts, barring our esteemed Miss Evans, of course, that I have nothing but the most prurient interest in the female persuasion.”
“In other words,” Remus translated, “he’s gone and shagged everyone with breasts, save Lily.”
“Thank you,” James sneered. “Good think I have our resident Prefect to clear that up for me.” He sank down onto Remus’s trunk. “What on earth could have given her the thought that I wanted to shag blokes, much less Sirius?” He turned and gave Remus the evil eye. “It wasn’t you, was it? You’ve not been putting the moves on her, have you?”
“No!” Remus held up his hands in defense. “Merlin, no. I wouldn’t so much as touch a hair on Lily’s head.”
“I did see her kiss you, you know.” Sirius fought his grin. “Out by the lake. You looked very affectionate.”
“What? No!” Remus got off his bed and backed away as James started to advance. “She was just…she…I…” He scrambled over Peter’s bed and crowded onto Sirius’s, stumbling over Sirius’s prone form. “Christ, James. I’ve not got a death wish!”
“Dunno, Moony. Looked rather cozy to me. You and Lily on a blanket, having a picnic. One would think you were wooing her.”
“I don’t woo!” Remus shoved Sirius hard, sending him off the bed and onto the floor. “When have you known me to woo?”
“Beatrice Knieffer. You wooed her right out of her knickers.”
“Because you made me! You told me you needed the knickers of a virgin and she was the only one other than Lily you hadn’t bedded!” He glared at Sirius and kicked at him, growling slightly as he rolled easily away. “And trust me, you’ve not yet repaid me for the sheer hellish torture that was. She followed me around for weeks.”
Sirius ignored James’s irate look at having his argument stolen away from him. “Well, it’s not as if anyone else was pursuing you, Moony. Other than, of course, our dear Lily.”
“She’s not my dear Lily!” Remus’s shout was nearly overshadowed by James’s equally vehement declaration that Lily was not Remus’s. “You’re trying to get me killed.”
“No.” Sirius got off the floor and climbed back onto his bed. “I just do love a good dust up before bed.” He grabbed James’s shirt and pulled him close. “Night, lover.”
“I’m not your…”
“You were saying, Remus?” Lily stood in the doorway, her Prefect badge shining in the dim candlelight. “Come on. I’ve been waiting in the common room for nearly a quarter hour. We’ve got rounds.”
“Er, right.” Remus edged carefully past Sirius and James, not looking back as he grabbed his robes and joined her in the doorway.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, Potter.”
“Oh, do come on, Lily,” Sirius called out to their retreating backs. “I do want to have a bit of fun!”
**
“So, about this torrid romance you’ve got going on with Evans.” Sirius sat down next to Remus at the library table, scooting his chair closer.
“You can just sod off.” Remus moved his chair away. “You’ve not helped matters in the slightest.”
“Oh, come on, Moony.” Sirius moved his chair again, wrapping his arm around the back of Remus’s to keep him in place. “If I didn’t have my best mates to torment, what fun would my life be?” He leaned in, his breath stirring Remus’s overlong hair. “Admit it, don’t you like seeing James taken down just a peg?”
“With friends like you, Sirius, James really doesn’t need all of Slytherin as enemies.” Remus shrugged off Sirius’s arm as it slipped down onto his shoulders. “He’s not going to appreciate your misplaced sense of amusement fouling things up with Evans.”
“Evans is blind as a bat if she can’t figure out that James is a screaming heterosexual.” Sirius leaned in again, his long fingers tapping the back of Remus’s hand. “Although it is a great credit to my thespian skills that she’s bought my shirtlifter routine without question.”
“It’s possible,” Remus replied, his voice edged with ice, “that she assumes your pursuit of the entire female population of Hogwarts is some sort of grand façade to cover up your actual preference for blokes.” He gathered his books and parchment and stood. “As that’s far more likely than you fawning over James in an effort to pretend to be a poof.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Touchy subject, Moony?” He caught Remus’s arm. “Don’t tell me you actually do have a thing for Evans? I’ll completely have to revise my estimation of you. If that’s the case, I’ve given you far too much credit.”
“Ah, yes.” Remus shook off his hand. “You’ve hit the nail on the head. Your perception and alacrity are beyond compare.” He let out a sad huff of laughter. “The centaurs have nothing on your keen powers, Sirius.”
Sirius watched him walk away, his brows drawn in. “What the bloody hell did I say?”
**
“I had a thought.”
“Merlin help us,” Remus muttered under his breath.
“About Lily.”
“There’s a shocker,” Peter mumbled around his bite of chocolate frog.
“And about how to right this wrong,” James scowled at Sirius, “that’s been perpetrated against me.”
“Perhaps we should snog in the Great Hall?” Sirius offered.
“Perhaps I should gut you with a particularly well placed spell?” James tossed off as he walked over to sit on the edge of Remus’s bed. “Ignoring Sirius…”
“As difficult as that is.” Remus didn’t look up from his book.
“I was thinking that it would be best if you approached Lily about me.”
“Ah?” Remus lifted his gaze and met James’s without emotion. “And at what point of me singing your praises and extolling your virtues did you think she’d be convinced of anything other than the fact that we’re all a bunch of poofs shagging each other senseless behind closed doors?”
“Er…well…”
Remus sighed. “I told her you weren’t interested in Sirius. I’ve informed her that the only person you’ve got any intent to shag is her. I’ve explained in large and small words that there is nothing going on between you and Sirius that could even loosely be construed as sexual, unless one is given to believing all the rumors about sports figures and David Bowie.”
“Bowie’s not gay,” Peter informed him. “Mick Jagger’s the poof.”
“What sports figures?”
Remus sighed. “You might be missing the point, Prongs.” He rubbed his forehead with three fingers. “Lily isn’t going to listen to a word I say. She’s convinced that, for whatever reason, you’re only interested in blokes, more specifically Sirius and, as such, not really interested in making her the heir to the Potter fortunes. She assumes the Potter fortunes, along with the family jewels are mingling with the rather tainted coffers of the House of Black.”
“As if my mother would let him touch my coffers.”
“We’ve heard quite enough of the tales of incest in the House of Black,” James replied without looking at Sirius. “But really, Moony, there must be some way. You’re the clever one of us when it comes to girls. What do I need to do or say to make Lily realize that I’d just as soon shag Dumbledore as Sirius?”
“Hey!” Sirius got off his bed, huffed up with indignance. “I think I’m eminently more shaggable than Dumbledore!”
“Pipe down, Sirius.” James waved him away. “You’ve got to help me, Moony. Poetry?”
“Not the kind you write,” Peter added as he pulled out the latest copy of Playboy he’d snitched from the market during Easter hols. “That’d likely send her heading for the hills.”
“Music?”
Sirius shoved James’s shoulder as he sat down next to Remus then stretched out on his bed, arms folded beneath his head on the pillows. “I’ve heard you sing. You might as well have the frog chorus serenade her.”
“I could write her a letter.”
“Not with your penmanship.”
“Really, Sirius,” Remus snapped. “You’re starting to sound like a jealous lover.”
Sirius met Remus’s eyes as he looked back at him. He held the gaze defiantly. “Isn’t that what I am?”
“Perhaps we should ask all the girls in the common room.” Remus broke the look and turned back to James. “I really don’t know what you need to do, James. I wish I did. I wish I could help.”
Sirius reached out and pressed his palm against Remus’s back. “I have a plan.”
“Oh, Christ.” Peter pulled his curtains closed, ducking for cover - though because of Sirius’s proclamation or the centerfold, no one could tell.
“What if Remus, in the guise of being somewhat susceptible to Lily’s charms, works through her defenses and find out what would truly win her heart and then tells you? Then you have the inside information and can work your magic and have her falling at your feet, not caring in the slightest that you’ve been shagging me for going on five years now.”
“I’ve not shagged you, you stupid bloke.” James retorted. “You know…”
“It’s a terrible plan. First of all, I’ve no intention of leading Lily on in any manner, much less a romantic one and secondly…”
“I think it’s brilliant.”
“The last plan you thought was brilliant,” Remus reminded James snappishly, “ended up with you and Sirius covered in sulfur, your clothes in ashes and three months of Saturday detentions for all of us.”
“But,” Sirius drawled as he sat up, his chin resting on Remus’s shoulder. “It was brilliant.”
**
“Er, Lily.” Remus shifted awkwardly from foot to foot as she quickly finished waving off her friends before turning to face him.
“’Lo, Remus.” She linked her arm through his and they started walking, falling easily into step as they headed toward their next class. “You look particularly dashing today.”
“Er, yes. Well.” He cleared his throat. “Sirius thought I needed a bit of spiffing up, so he’s loaned me use of his wardrobe.”
“Only Sirius would notice a bloke’s wardrobe,” Lily sniffed. “And James as well, I would imagine.” She smiled up at him. “No matter. You look very nice.”
“Thank you.” He sighed. “Er, Lily.”
She stopped outside the door and leaned against the stone wall. Her arms cradled her books and her green eyes regarded him carefully. “Yes?”
“Hogsmeade. This weekend.”
She smiled slowly. “Yes.”
“Would you…er, that is…”
“Yes.”
Both eyebrows shot up, lost beneath his bangs. “Yes?”
She stood on tiptoe and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Yes.”
**
“Bloody fucking hell.” James’s face flushed until the tips of his ears were red and hot. “She kissed you?”
“Just on the cheek. Very innocent.” Remus closed his eyes and exhaled. “Can I come in the room now?”
“But she said yes?” Sirius slid his hand to the small of Remus’s back and guided him past James’s lurking figure. “Capitulated into you manly arms.”
“She thinks your concern over my wardrobe is further proof that you’re having at one another, by the way.” He tugged his tie free and pulled Sirius’s shirt over his head with one smooth movement then tossed it toward Sirius. “Your fashion sense is no longer a sign of good breeding so much as whether or not you like to take it up the arse.”
“Oh no,” Sirius assured him as he picked up the shirt and dusted it off. “James takes it up the arse. I’m always on top.”
“Would you stop going on about shite like that!” James shouldered past Sirius and sat at the end of Remus’s bed. “But she said yes, right? So you’ll go to Hogsmeade and wine and dine her and worm all her secrets out of her?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just steal her diary?” Remus sighed.
“Tried that,” James assured him. “How do you think I got this scar on my left forefinger?”
“Certainly wasn’t from buggering me.”
“Shut the fuck up, Sirius.” James turned back to Remus. “Damn thing bit me. And I’m not,” he cast a quick hostile glare over his shoulder, “talking about Sirius’s arse.”
“All right, so the diary’s out.” Remus sighed. “I just don’t think it’s best that I pretend that I’m actually interested in dating her. What if she takes me seriously?”
James glanced at Sirius as if the thought had never crossed his mind, then back at Remus with narrowed eyes. “Do you think she’s likely to? I mean, she’s got to fancy me, right? Even if she thinks I’m a poof. I mean, she wouldn’t expend this much energy denying it if it weren’t true.” He shook his head. “No. It’s fine. Absolutely nothing to worry about.”
Sirius tossed a small bag onto Remus’s bed. “Your bankroll.”
“I don’t think…”
“And no matter what she might think of my wardrobe, you’ll be wearing something of mine, as I won’t have you squiring the future Mrs. Potter around in your everyday things.” James shook his head again. “No. Sirius’s clothes again, I think. You’re closer to his build.”
“Now, now, Prongs. If you keep eyeing Moony that way, I’m going to have to get very jealous indeed.”
“Oh, sod off.” James got off Remus’s bed and headed for his own. “Don’t you have some unsuspecting Ravenclaw to molest tonight?”
“Actually, now that I’ve found you, I don’t need all those other girls. Just window dressing until the real thing came along.” He blew James a kiss. “Sweet dreams.”
Remus shoved off his bed. “I’m off to do rounds. I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.”
**
“Er, what’s your ideal date then?” Remus glanced at the teacup in Lily’s hand then at the clock on the wall. A shift of movement caught his eye and he spied the telltale glimpse of Sirius’s new dragon hide boots in the instant before they were covered by the invisibility cloak.
“This,” Lily assured him. “That is, if you’d stop asking questions about how to make it perfect.”
“I just…” Remus sighed. “Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea.”
“It’s fine, Remus. It will be fine.” She reached out and squeezed his hand. “And do stop looking over your shoulder. I’m sure James is off in a corner somewhere with Sirius.”
Remus nearly choked on is tea as the far corner behind Lily quivered with indignation. “Er, about James and Sirius…”
“I don’t want to spend our afternoon talking about them.”
“I just…I was curious how you arrived at the conclusion that they were…together.”
Lily sighed. “I already explained, Remus.”
“Assume I don’t see the glaringly obvious that you do, given that I’m around them much more than you are. Remember, occasionally we don’t see what we’re closest to.”
She sighed again and bit the end off a biscuit. “All right. If I tell you, do you swear not to bring up Sirius or James Potter or ask me again about my preferences? Do you promise to act like we’re on a real date and not some daft fact-finding mission? I had the impression you wanted to be here, Remus.”
“I do!” He smiled his reassurance. “I enjoy spending time with you, Lily.”
She seemed satisfied, tilting her head as she smiled in return. “It was one night not that long ago. I was in the halls - one of the first years had lost something and I was sent out to get it. I was walking along when suddenly Nearly Headless Nick pops out of the wall and nearly runs right through me. He was obviously upset, so I asked him what was the matter.”
“I…see.”
“I know,” she assured him. “It doesn’t seem like much, but there’s more.”
Remus nodded, well aware of the more there was. “Go on then.”
“He starts mumbling about how that sort of thing was just not on and he couldn’t believe it and I asked him what was wrong and he didn’t even hear me, just went on and on about how something had to be done about it and Potter and Black, really and the very thought of that going on in the bathroom was just more than he could take. Then he vanished.”
Remus bent his head slightly, his hair hiding his eyes as the very vivid memory of the night in question hit him. He’d been in the bathroom and used the spell they’d just learned to form the steam from the shower into terribly realistic recreations of James and Sirius and he’d been…
“Remus?”
His head snapped up and he managed a smile. “Oh. I see.”
“I mean, what else was I to believe? Obviously Nick saw something - saw Potter and Black doing something absolutely unmentionable in the bathroom.”
“A prank, perhaps? One he…er, one they abandoned when they knew they’d been found out?”
“With Peeves to deal with? I don’t think there’s a prank devised that could manage to shock Nick or any of the other ghosts for that matter.” She shrugged. “Potter and Black were buggering each other in the bathroom and they got caught.”
“You’ve not told anyone, have you?”
“No! I mean, other than you.” She looked wounded. “It’s no one else’s business. But if James Potter thinks I’m going to be used as some sort of front for the rest of the world while he carries on with Sirius Black, he’s sorely mistaken.” She blinked rapidly and cleared her throat. “Oh. Er…”
“You know, Lily, I think perhaps it’s best we go.” He stood, taking her hand and helping her to her feet. “Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea, after all.”
“No. It was. I mean…” She blushed and laced her fingers through his. “I don’t fancy James, Remus.”
“Oh, right. Of course.”
She wrapped her arms around his waist, her smile apologetic. “You’re right. Let’s go back to the castle.” She looked back at the teashop and all the whispering, cuddling couples. “No sense in hanging around here.”
**
“Well then,” Remus attempted to untangle his fingers from Lily’s as they walked through the deserted corridors. “I had a nice time today, really lovely. I…” He broke off as she darted into a classroom, pulling him along behind her. “Lily…”
“Hush.” She refused to let go of his hand, bringing it up to her breast and placing it very firmly on the swell of flesh. “I think I upset you back in Hogsmeade.”
“Oh, no. Absolutely not.”
“Perhaps you think that you’re some sort of substitute for James now that I know that he’s…” She blushed and squeezed his hand beneath hers, rubbing the nipple of her breast against his palm. “You’re not.”
“Quite. But I don’t…”
“I do like you. You’re smart, and clever,” she slipped one finger in the knot of his tie and pulled it loose then free. “All the girls want to have their way with you. Or better yet,” her laugh lilted nervously, “let you have your way with them.”
“This really isn’t…”
Her hand slid down further and rubbed over his cock, massaging the unresponsive flesh for a moment until he caught her wrist. “Remus,” she licked at his lips, attempted to free her hand.
“Lily, no.”
She broke free of his grip and pushed Remus against the wall and kissed him, her hands tugging at his shaggy hair and pulling his head down to hers. Her tongue pressed past his lips and found his tongue, sliding over it with a muted moan. Remus pulled back, gasping for air as her hands left his hair and slid over his shoulders and chest, unbuttoning his shirt with a skill and ease that would no doubt give James something of a heart attack.
“What are…” he managed to croak out. “What are you doing?”
“I thought it was rather obvious,” she pressed kisses to the skin she bared, her tongue swirling on his skin. “Though I suppose I could give you a bit of a lecture if you felt it would do more to put you in the mood.” Her hand ran down and over his slacks, rubbing him gently. “I’m kissing you.”
“Er. Yes. Well, I gathered that part.” He stopped as she caught his mouth again, sucking his lower lip into her mouth as she finished the buttons of Sirius’s borrowed shirt. Her hands moved to explore the flat expanse of his stomach, feathering out over her abdomen. “Lily…”
“It’s all right, Remus.” She bent her head and ran her tongue over his nipple, leaving a cool trail in her heated wake. “There’s no one around.”
“It’s not that I don’t…”
“James’ll never know.”
“As comforting as that is, I just don’t…”
She undid his slacks with steady hands and pushed them down over his slim hips, taking his shorts with them. “Trust me, Remus. It’s all very easy. And it won’t hurt a bit.” She took him in her hand and lowered her head.
Her tongue had just darted out when he shoved her back, away, stumbling to the left to free himself of her grip, tripping over his clothes and nearly sprawling on the floor as James burst in through the door.
“What the sodding fuck is going on here?”
Lily’s eyes were hurt as she stared at Remus, his lack of erection the focal point of her gaze. “It’s not you,” he assured her, about to say more as Sirius stumbled in the room, breathless and windblown, skin flushed red. Remus groaned under his breath as his prick, finally pleased with the turn of events, managed to harden under Sirius’s surprised glance. “It’s…er…Fuck.”
“You’re a poof?” James asked, obviously stunned.
“You’re gay?” Lily whispered.
Sirius, on the other hand, grinned insouciantly as he leaned against the doorjamb and stared at Remus. “What’d I miss?”
**
“She’d heard rumors,” Remus shrugged, only lying partially. Sirius’s borrowed shirt still unbuttoned and hanging loosely on his shoulders. “Someone in Gryffindor…and she just assumed that it was you and James. You were always together. You’re not exactly the most reticent when it comes from physical contact.” He sighed. “Anyway, I tried to explain, but she wouldn’t listen and then she started…”
“Mauling you?”
“Kissing me.”
“And when you didn’t respond, since she’s…what’s the best way to say this?”
“A girl?”
“Not your type…”
“She thought maybe I just needed a bit of incentive. Just assumed I was a frightened virgin as opposed to a flaming homosexual.”
“You’re nothing if not flaming,” Sirius smirked. “And she and James?”
“You saw them. Fell onto one another like cannibals. I’m almost certain at that rate, she’s likely to swallow his tongue.”
“No, I don’t think it’s James’s tongue she’ll be swallowing tonight.” Sirius looped his arm around Remus’s shoulders, his voice dropping to a soft whisper. “Why didn’t you tell us, Moony?”
“Ah, yes. By the way, mates, on top of being some sort of bloodthirsty killing machine during the full moon, I rather fancy when you prance around the room in your skivvies. Gives me a right knob to polish.”
Sirius snorted with laughter. “I dunno. Put that way, it’s rather enticing.”
Remus sighed and shrugged Sirius’s arm off. “Look, it’s been a long and dreadful day…”
“How can you say that? My brilliant plan didn’t end up in anyone bursting into flames, no one’s hair singed off, and absolutely not a one of us has detention. It’s been a glorious day for the de facto House of Black.”
“Yes, instead of bursting into flames or singeing my hair, I’ve instead humiliated Lily, exposed myself - literally and figuratively - to everyone and worse still…” He broke off. “I just want to go to bed.”
“First of all,” Sirius caught his arm and pulled him back, angling him against the wall. “You’ve not humiliated Lily. If anything, Lily’s plan to ferret out the poof of Gryffindor was bloody stupid and she’s humiliated herself. I don’t, however, think she’ll mind in the slightest, as she’s most likely got James’s head between her knees and is screaming for mercy.”
“Let me go, Sirius.”
Sirius’s hands pressed harder, holding Remus to the stone. “Secondly, you’ve been exposed to exactly three people - James, Lily and myself. Three people, you might notice, who are your closest friends and, after the initial shock of discovery, are still your friends and would remain so even if they found out you were shagging stray cats in the alleys of London. Admittedly, we’d worry you’d happen upon McGonagall, but we’d still be your friends.”
Remus swallowed as Sirius moved toward him, closing the distance between them. “And now, you tell me what the worst of it is.”
“I…you…”
“The worst of it is that your prick,” Sirius trailed a hand down Remus’s bare stomach to his unbuttoned pants, easing his hand inside them, wrapping it around Remus’s cock, “snapped to very proper attention when I walked into the room, and you’re very horribly embarrassed that I might assume that you’d very much like to shag me senseless.”
Remus found his voice, though he didn’t recognize it when he spoke. “I thought you were always the top.”
“Now, Remus,” Sirius ignored him grandly as he purred the words seductively, running his hand along the length of Remus’s cock, “what was it you said you just wanted to do?”
“Go to…” Remus’s voice broke. “Go to bed.”
“That is,” Sirius assured him with another long stroke, “a most brilliant plan.”
AUTHOR: Laura Smith
PAIRING: R/S, J/L, R/L, J/S
RATING: R
SUMMARY: Misunderstandings abound!
DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and all the characters therein belong to people who are not me. I make no profit from this, I just like playing with them.
NOTES: You can very much blame this on musesfool who, one night while chatting, reminded me of this title and then told me very specifically what I was to write. And then tonight I got all plotbunny-y and here it is.
“James.” Lily scoffed and picked a daisy from beneath the tree, refusing to glance over to where James and Sirius were attempting to impress any girl that would look with their flying prowess and general stupidity. “James is using me as a front for the fact that he’s head over heels in love with Sirius Black.”
Remus choked on his pumpkin juice, nearly spraying it across the blanket he’d transfigured from his necktie. “What?” He coughed.
“Oh, don’t pretend you’re not keenly aware of what no doubt goes on behind the curtains after lights out.” She began plucking the petals off the daisy methodically. “You’re in the same room as them, Remus. It must be obvious that they’re shagging.”
He set his glass down and swallowed hard. “And, er…how do you know…why do you suspect this?”
“Surely you’ve seen them? Always hanging off one another and lolling around together. If you can name a moment they’ve spent more than an hour apart that wasn’t related to class or detention, I’ll eat my History of Magic text.”
“They’re friends.”
Lily smiled triumphantly. “You can’t do it, can you? And boys at the age of 16 are not friends. They’re either troublemakers or shirtlifters. Or, in the case of our notorious twosome, both.”
“And where, pray tell, have you gleaned this knowledge of 16 year old boys?” He reached up to play with his tie and, realizing it wasn’t there, settled for fiddling with the top button of his shirt. “Let me guess - from other 16 year old boys?”
“No, Remus.” She smiled at him and shook her head. “From you.”
“Me?” He choked again and poured his pumpkin juice onto the grass in an attempt to keep from being killed by it. “What did…how…?”
“Well, you’re nothing like them, are you? You’re studious and, though you get into a bit of trouble now and again, you’re not constantly seeking out attention.”
“Er, I rather think they seek the attention of the girls…”
“If that were the case, they’d be dipping our braids in ink and lifting up our skirts instead of tormenting Severus and the rest of the Slytherins.” She straightened her skirt and offered more pumpkin juice, which he declined. “You’ve got your own way about you, Remus, and it’s nothing like them.”
“I don’t know that you can judge everyone based on…”
Lily leaned over and kissed Remus on the cheek. “You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“Right.” Remus blew out a sigh. “Exactly.”
**
“She what?” James’s roar filled the room as he advanced on Remus. “She. What?”
“She thinks you and I are having a go at it under the sheets, Prongs.” Sirius sprawled back on his bed. “Obviously you’re not emitting enough of a heterosexual vibe. Or Miss Evans knows something we don’t.”
“And what about you?” Remus cocked an eyebrow. “I believe her believing James was a poof had something to do with his permanent attachment to you.”
“Well,” Sirius waved his hand, “of course she’d think that. It’s quite clear that everyone wants me.” He dodged the pillow James threw at him and sat up. “I think I’ve done my level best to prove very clearly to everyone at Hogwarts, barring our esteemed Miss Evans, of course, that I have nothing but the most prurient interest in the female persuasion.”
“In other words,” Remus translated, “he’s gone and shagged everyone with breasts, save Lily.”
“Thank you,” James sneered. “Good think I have our resident Prefect to clear that up for me.” He sank down onto Remus’s trunk. “What on earth could have given her the thought that I wanted to shag blokes, much less Sirius?” He turned and gave Remus the evil eye. “It wasn’t you, was it? You’ve not been putting the moves on her, have you?”
“No!” Remus held up his hands in defense. “Merlin, no. I wouldn’t so much as touch a hair on Lily’s head.”
“I did see her kiss you, you know.” Sirius fought his grin. “Out by the lake. You looked very affectionate.”
“What? No!” Remus got off his bed and backed away as James started to advance. “She was just…she…I…” He scrambled over Peter’s bed and crowded onto Sirius’s, stumbling over Sirius’s prone form. “Christ, James. I’ve not got a death wish!”
“Dunno, Moony. Looked rather cozy to me. You and Lily on a blanket, having a picnic. One would think you were wooing her.”
“I don’t woo!” Remus shoved Sirius hard, sending him off the bed and onto the floor. “When have you known me to woo?”
“Beatrice Knieffer. You wooed her right out of her knickers.”
“Because you made me! You told me you needed the knickers of a virgin and she was the only one other than Lily you hadn’t bedded!” He glared at Sirius and kicked at him, growling slightly as he rolled easily away. “And trust me, you’ve not yet repaid me for the sheer hellish torture that was. She followed me around for weeks.”
Sirius ignored James’s irate look at having his argument stolen away from him. “Well, it’s not as if anyone else was pursuing you, Moony. Other than, of course, our dear Lily.”
“She’s not my dear Lily!” Remus’s shout was nearly overshadowed by James’s equally vehement declaration that Lily was not Remus’s. “You’re trying to get me killed.”
“No.” Sirius got off the floor and climbed back onto his bed. “I just do love a good dust up before bed.” He grabbed James’s shirt and pulled him close. “Night, lover.”
“I’m not your…”
“You were saying, Remus?” Lily stood in the doorway, her Prefect badge shining in the dim candlelight. “Come on. I’ve been waiting in the common room for nearly a quarter hour. We’ve got rounds.”
“Er, right.” Remus edged carefully past Sirius and James, not looking back as he grabbed his robes and joined her in the doorway.
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, Potter.”
“Oh, do come on, Lily,” Sirius called out to their retreating backs. “I do want to have a bit of fun!”
**
“So, about this torrid romance you’ve got going on with Evans.” Sirius sat down next to Remus at the library table, scooting his chair closer.
“You can just sod off.” Remus moved his chair away. “You’ve not helped matters in the slightest.”
“Oh, come on, Moony.” Sirius moved his chair again, wrapping his arm around the back of Remus’s to keep him in place. “If I didn’t have my best mates to torment, what fun would my life be?” He leaned in, his breath stirring Remus’s overlong hair. “Admit it, don’t you like seeing James taken down just a peg?”
“With friends like you, Sirius, James really doesn’t need all of Slytherin as enemies.” Remus shrugged off Sirius’s arm as it slipped down onto his shoulders. “He’s not going to appreciate your misplaced sense of amusement fouling things up with Evans.”
“Evans is blind as a bat if she can’t figure out that James is a screaming heterosexual.” Sirius leaned in again, his long fingers tapping the back of Remus’s hand. “Although it is a great credit to my thespian skills that she’s bought my shirtlifter routine without question.”
“It’s possible,” Remus replied, his voice edged with ice, “that she assumes your pursuit of the entire female population of Hogwarts is some sort of grand façade to cover up your actual preference for blokes.” He gathered his books and parchment and stood. “As that’s far more likely than you fawning over James in an effort to pretend to be a poof.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Touchy subject, Moony?” He caught Remus’s arm. “Don’t tell me you actually do have a thing for Evans? I’ll completely have to revise my estimation of you. If that’s the case, I’ve given you far too much credit.”
“Ah, yes.” Remus shook off his hand. “You’ve hit the nail on the head. Your perception and alacrity are beyond compare.” He let out a sad huff of laughter. “The centaurs have nothing on your keen powers, Sirius.”
Sirius watched him walk away, his brows drawn in. “What the bloody hell did I say?”
**
“I had a thought.”
“Merlin help us,” Remus muttered under his breath.
“About Lily.”
“There’s a shocker,” Peter mumbled around his bite of chocolate frog.
“And about how to right this wrong,” James scowled at Sirius, “that’s been perpetrated against me.”
“Perhaps we should snog in the Great Hall?” Sirius offered.
“Perhaps I should gut you with a particularly well placed spell?” James tossed off as he walked over to sit on the edge of Remus’s bed. “Ignoring Sirius…”
“As difficult as that is.” Remus didn’t look up from his book.
“I was thinking that it would be best if you approached Lily about me.”
“Ah?” Remus lifted his gaze and met James’s without emotion. “And at what point of me singing your praises and extolling your virtues did you think she’d be convinced of anything other than the fact that we’re all a bunch of poofs shagging each other senseless behind closed doors?”
“Er…well…”
Remus sighed. “I told her you weren’t interested in Sirius. I’ve informed her that the only person you’ve got any intent to shag is her. I’ve explained in large and small words that there is nothing going on between you and Sirius that could even loosely be construed as sexual, unless one is given to believing all the rumors about sports figures and David Bowie.”
“Bowie’s not gay,” Peter informed him. “Mick Jagger’s the poof.”
“What sports figures?”
Remus sighed. “You might be missing the point, Prongs.” He rubbed his forehead with three fingers. “Lily isn’t going to listen to a word I say. She’s convinced that, for whatever reason, you’re only interested in blokes, more specifically Sirius and, as such, not really interested in making her the heir to the Potter fortunes. She assumes the Potter fortunes, along with the family jewels are mingling with the rather tainted coffers of the House of Black.”
“As if my mother would let him touch my coffers.”
“We’ve heard quite enough of the tales of incest in the House of Black,” James replied without looking at Sirius. “But really, Moony, there must be some way. You’re the clever one of us when it comes to girls. What do I need to do or say to make Lily realize that I’d just as soon shag Dumbledore as Sirius?”
“Hey!” Sirius got off his bed, huffed up with indignance. “I think I’m eminently more shaggable than Dumbledore!”
“Pipe down, Sirius.” James waved him away. “You’ve got to help me, Moony. Poetry?”
“Not the kind you write,” Peter added as he pulled out the latest copy of Playboy he’d snitched from the market during Easter hols. “That’d likely send her heading for the hills.”
“Music?”
Sirius shoved James’s shoulder as he sat down next to Remus then stretched out on his bed, arms folded beneath his head on the pillows. “I’ve heard you sing. You might as well have the frog chorus serenade her.”
“I could write her a letter.”
“Not with your penmanship.”
“Really, Sirius,” Remus snapped. “You’re starting to sound like a jealous lover.”
Sirius met Remus’s eyes as he looked back at him. He held the gaze defiantly. “Isn’t that what I am?”
“Perhaps we should ask all the girls in the common room.” Remus broke the look and turned back to James. “I really don’t know what you need to do, James. I wish I did. I wish I could help.”
Sirius reached out and pressed his palm against Remus’s back. “I have a plan.”
“Oh, Christ.” Peter pulled his curtains closed, ducking for cover - though because of Sirius’s proclamation or the centerfold, no one could tell.
“What if Remus, in the guise of being somewhat susceptible to Lily’s charms, works through her defenses and find out what would truly win her heart and then tells you? Then you have the inside information and can work your magic and have her falling at your feet, not caring in the slightest that you’ve been shagging me for going on five years now.”
“I’ve not shagged you, you stupid bloke.” James retorted. “You know…”
“It’s a terrible plan. First of all, I’ve no intention of leading Lily on in any manner, much less a romantic one and secondly…”
“I think it’s brilliant.”
“The last plan you thought was brilliant,” Remus reminded James snappishly, “ended up with you and Sirius covered in sulfur, your clothes in ashes and three months of Saturday detentions for all of us.”
“But,” Sirius drawled as he sat up, his chin resting on Remus’s shoulder. “It was brilliant.”
**
“Er, Lily.” Remus shifted awkwardly from foot to foot as she quickly finished waving off her friends before turning to face him.
“’Lo, Remus.” She linked her arm through his and they started walking, falling easily into step as they headed toward their next class. “You look particularly dashing today.”
“Er, yes. Well.” He cleared his throat. “Sirius thought I needed a bit of spiffing up, so he’s loaned me use of his wardrobe.”
“Only Sirius would notice a bloke’s wardrobe,” Lily sniffed. “And James as well, I would imagine.” She smiled up at him. “No matter. You look very nice.”
“Thank you.” He sighed. “Er, Lily.”
She stopped outside the door and leaned against the stone wall. Her arms cradled her books and her green eyes regarded him carefully. “Yes?”
“Hogsmeade. This weekend.”
She smiled slowly. “Yes.”
“Would you…er, that is…”
“Yes.”
Both eyebrows shot up, lost beneath his bangs. “Yes?”
She stood on tiptoe and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Yes.”
**
“Bloody fucking hell.” James’s face flushed until the tips of his ears were red and hot. “She kissed you?”
“Just on the cheek. Very innocent.” Remus closed his eyes and exhaled. “Can I come in the room now?”
“But she said yes?” Sirius slid his hand to the small of Remus’s back and guided him past James’s lurking figure. “Capitulated into you manly arms.”
“She thinks your concern over my wardrobe is further proof that you’re having at one another, by the way.” He tugged his tie free and pulled Sirius’s shirt over his head with one smooth movement then tossed it toward Sirius. “Your fashion sense is no longer a sign of good breeding so much as whether or not you like to take it up the arse.”
“Oh no,” Sirius assured him as he picked up the shirt and dusted it off. “James takes it up the arse. I’m always on top.”
“Would you stop going on about shite like that!” James shouldered past Sirius and sat at the end of Remus’s bed. “But she said yes, right? So you’ll go to Hogsmeade and wine and dine her and worm all her secrets out of her?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just steal her diary?” Remus sighed.
“Tried that,” James assured him. “How do you think I got this scar on my left forefinger?”
“Certainly wasn’t from buggering me.”
“Shut the fuck up, Sirius.” James turned back to Remus. “Damn thing bit me. And I’m not,” he cast a quick hostile glare over his shoulder, “talking about Sirius’s arse.”
“All right, so the diary’s out.” Remus sighed. “I just don’t think it’s best that I pretend that I’m actually interested in dating her. What if she takes me seriously?”
James glanced at Sirius as if the thought had never crossed his mind, then back at Remus with narrowed eyes. “Do you think she’s likely to? I mean, she’s got to fancy me, right? Even if she thinks I’m a poof. I mean, she wouldn’t expend this much energy denying it if it weren’t true.” He shook his head. “No. It’s fine. Absolutely nothing to worry about.”
Sirius tossed a small bag onto Remus’s bed. “Your bankroll.”
“I don’t think…”
“And no matter what she might think of my wardrobe, you’ll be wearing something of mine, as I won’t have you squiring the future Mrs. Potter around in your everyday things.” James shook his head again. “No. Sirius’s clothes again, I think. You’re closer to his build.”
“Now, now, Prongs. If you keep eyeing Moony that way, I’m going to have to get very jealous indeed.”
“Oh, sod off.” James got off Remus’s bed and headed for his own. “Don’t you have some unsuspecting Ravenclaw to molest tonight?”
“Actually, now that I’ve found you, I don’t need all those other girls. Just window dressing until the real thing came along.” He blew James a kiss. “Sweet dreams.”
Remus shoved off his bed. “I’m off to do rounds. I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.”
**
“Er, what’s your ideal date then?” Remus glanced at the teacup in Lily’s hand then at the clock on the wall. A shift of movement caught his eye and he spied the telltale glimpse of Sirius’s new dragon hide boots in the instant before they were covered by the invisibility cloak.
“This,” Lily assured him. “That is, if you’d stop asking questions about how to make it perfect.”
“I just…” Remus sighed. “Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea.”
“It’s fine, Remus. It will be fine.” She reached out and squeezed his hand. “And do stop looking over your shoulder. I’m sure James is off in a corner somewhere with Sirius.”
Remus nearly choked on is tea as the far corner behind Lily quivered with indignation. “Er, about James and Sirius…”
“I don’t want to spend our afternoon talking about them.”
“I just…I was curious how you arrived at the conclusion that they were…together.”
Lily sighed. “I already explained, Remus.”
“Assume I don’t see the glaringly obvious that you do, given that I’m around them much more than you are. Remember, occasionally we don’t see what we’re closest to.”
She sighed again and bit the end off a biscuit. “All right. If I tell you, do you swear not to bring up Sirius or James Potter or ask me again about my preferences? Do you promise to act like we’re on a real date and not some daft fact-finding mission? I had the impression you wanted to be here, Remus.”
“I do!” He smiled his reassurance. “I enjoy spending time with you, Lily.”
She seemed satisfied, tilting her head as she smiled in return. “It was one night not that long ago. I was in the halls - one of the first years had lost something and I was sent out to get it. I was walking along when suddenly Nearly Headless Nick pops out of the wall and nearly runs right through me. He was obviously upset, so I asked him what was the matter.”
“I…see.”
“I know,” she assured him. “It doesn’t seem like much, but there’s more.”
Remus nodded, well aware of the more there was. “Go on then.”
“He starts mumbling about how that sort of thing was just not on and he couldn’t believe it and I asked him what was wrong and he didn’t even hear me, just went on and on about how something had to be done about it and Potter and Black, really and the very thought of that going on in the bathroom was just more than he could take. Then he vanished.”
Remus bent his head slightly, his hair hiding his eyes as the very vivid memory of the night in question hit him. He’d been in the bathroom and used the spell they’d just learned to form the steam from the shower into terribly realistic recreations of James and Sirius and he’d been…
“Remus?”
His head snapped up and he managed a smile. “Oh. I see.”
“I mean, what else was I to believe? Obviously Nick saw something - saw Potter and Black doing something absolutely unmentionable in the bathroom.”
“A prank, perhaps? One he…er, one they abandoned when they knew they’d been found out?”
“With Peeves to deal with? I don’t think there’s a prank devised that could manage to shock Nick or any of the other ghosts for that matter.” She shrugged. “Potter and Black were buggering each other in the bathroom and they got caught.”
“You’ve not told anyone, have you?”
“No! I mean, other than you.” She looked wounded. “It’s no one else’s business. But if James Potter thinks I’m going to be used as some sort of front for the rest of the world while he carries on with Sirius Black, he’s sorely mistaken.” She blinked rapidly and cleared her throat. “Oh. Er…”
“You know, Lily, I think perhaps it’s best we go.” He stood, taking her hand and helping her to her feet. “Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea, after all.”
“No. It was. I mean…” She blushed and laced her fingers through his. “I don’t fancy James, Remus.”
“Oh, right. Of course.”
She wrapped her arms around his waist, her smile apologetic. “You’re right. Let’s go back to the castle.” She looked back at the teashop and all the whispering, cuddling couples. “No sense in hanging around here.”
**
“Well then,” Remus attempted to untangle his fingers from Lily’s as they walked through the deserted corridors. “I had a nice time today, really lovely. I…” He broke off as she darted into a classroom, pulling him along behind her. “Lily…”
“Hush.” She refused to let go of his hand, bringing it up to her breast and placing it very firmly on the swell of flesh. “I think I upset you back in Hogsmeade.”
“Oh, no. Absolutely not.”
“Perhaps you think that you’re some sort of substitute for James now that I know that he’s…” She blushed and squeezed his hand beneath hers, rubbing the nipple of her breast against his palm. “You’re not.”
“Quite. But I don’t…”
“I do like you. You’re smart, and clever,” she slipped one finger in the knot of his tie and pulled it loose then free. “All the girls want to have their way with you. Or better yet,” her laugh lilted nervously, “let you have your way with them.”
“This really isn’t…”
Her hand slid down further and rubbed over his cock, massaging the unresponsive flesh for a moment until he caught her wrist. “Remus,” she licked at his lips, attempted to free her hand.
“Lily, no.”
She broke free of his grip and pushed Remus against the wall and kissed him, her hands tugging at his shaggy hair and pulling his head down to hers. Her tongue pressed past his lips and found his tongue, sliding over it with a muted moan. Remus pulled back, gasping for air as her hands left his hair and slid over his shoulders and chest, unbuttoning his shirt with a skill and ease that would no doubt give James something of a heart attack.
“What are…” he managed to croak out. “What are you doing?”
“I thought it was rather obvious,” she pressed kisses to the skin she bared, her tongue swirling on his skin. “Though I suppose I could give you a bit of a lecture if you felt it would do more to put you in the mood.” Her hand ran down and over his slacks, rubbing him gently. “I’m kissing you.”
“Er. Yes. Well, I gathered that part.” He stopped as she caught his mouth again, sucking his lower lip into her mouth as she finished the buttons of Sirius’s borrowed shirt. Her hands moved to explore the flat expanse of his stomach, feathering out over her abdomen. “Lily…”
“It’s all right, Remus.” She bent her head and ran her tongue over his nipple, leaving a cool trail in her heated wake. “There’s no one around.”
“It’s not that I don’t…”
“James’ll never know.”
“As comforting as that is, I just don’t…”
She undid his slacks with steady hands and pushed them down over his slim hips, taking his shorts with them. “Trust me, Remus. It’s all very easy. And it won’t hurt a bit.” She took him in her hand and lowered her head.
Her tongue had just darted out when he shoved her back, away, stumbling to the left to free himself of her grip, tripping over his clothes and nearly sprawling on the floor as James burst in through the door.
“What the sodding fuck is going on here?”
Lily’s eyes were hurt as she stared at Remus, his lack of erection the focal point of her gaze. “It’s not you,” he assured her, about to say more as Sirius stumbled in the room, breathless and windblown, skin flushed red. Remus groaned under his breath as his prick, finally pleased with the turn of events, managed to harden under Sirius’s surprised glance. “It’s…er…Fuck.”
“You’re a poof?” James asked, obviously stunned.
“You’re gay?” Lily whispered.
Sirius, on the other hand, grinned insouciantly as he leaned against the doorjamb and stared at Remus. “What’d I miss?”
**
“She’d heard rumors,” Remus shrugged, only lying partially. Sirius’s borrowed shirt still unbuttoned and hanging loosely on his shoulders. “Someone in Gryffindor…and she just assumed that it was you and James. You were always together. You’re not exactly the most reticent when it comes from physical contact.” He sighed. “Anyway, I tried to explain, but she wouldn’t listen and then she started…”
“Mauling you?”
“Kissing me.”
“And when you didn’t respond, since she’s…what’s the best way to say this?”
“A girl?”
“Not your type…”
“She thought maybe I just needed a bit of incentive. Just assumed I was a frightened virgin as opposed to a flaming homosexual.”
“You’re nothing if not flaming,” Sirius smirked. “And she and James?”
“You saw them. Fell onto one another like cannibals. I’m almost certain at that rate, she’s likely to swallow his tongue.”
“No, I don’t think it’s James’s tongue she’ll be swallowing tonight.” Sirius looped his arm around Remus’s shoulders, his voice dropping to a soft whisper. “Why didn’t you tell us, Moony?”
“Ah, yes. By the way, mates, on top of being some sort of bloodthirsty killing machine during the full moon, I rather fancy when you prance around the room in your skivvies. Gives me a right knob to polish.”
Sirius snorted with laughter. “I dunno. Put that way, it’s rather enticing.”
Remus sighed and shrugged Sirius’s arm off. “Look, it’s been a long and dreadful day…”
“How can you say that? My brilliant plan didn’t end up in anyone bursting into flames, no one’s hair singed off, and absolutely not a one of us has detention. It’s been a glorious day for the de facto House of Black.”
“Yes, instead of bursting into flames or singeing my hair, I’ve instead humiliated Lily, exposed myself - literally and figuratively - to everyone and worse still…” He broke off. “I just want to go to bed.”
“First of all,” Sirius caught his arm and pulled him back, angling him against the wall. “You’ve not humiliated Lily. If anything, Lily’s plan to ferret out the poof of Gryffindor was bloody stupid and she’s humiliated herself. I don’t, however, think she’ll mind in the slightest, as she’s most likely got James’s head between her knees and is screaming for mercy.”
“Let me go, Sirius.”
Sirius’s hands pressed harder, holding Remus to the stone. “Secondly, you’ve been exposed to exactly three people - James, Lily and myself. Three people, you might notice, who are your closest friends and, after the initial shock of discovery, are still your friends and would remain so even if they found out you were shagging stray cats in the alleys of London. Admittedly, we’d worry you’d happen upon McGonagall, but we’d still be your friends.”
Remus swallowed as Sirius moved toward him, closing the distance between them. “And now, you tell me what the worst of it is.”
“I…you…”
“The worst of it is that your prick,” Sirius trailed a hand down Remus’s bare stomach to his unbuttoned pants, easing his hand inside them, wrapping it around Remus’s cock, “snapped to very proper attention when I walked into the room, and you’re very horribly embarrassed that I might assume that you’d very much like to shag me senseless.”
Remus found his voice, though he didn’t recognize it when he spoke. “I thought you were always the top.”
“Now, Remus,” Sirius ignored him grandly as he purred the words seductively, running his hand along the length of Remus’s cock, “what was it you said you just wanted to do?”
“Go to…” Remus’s voice broke. “Go to bed.”
“That is,” Sirius assured him with another long stroke, “a most brilliant plan.”