(Untitled)

[shabenanizer]

Mom bit Bree today. I couldn't believe it. Mom wouldn't let go of Bree's arm and when Bree pulled her arm away, Mom bit her and broke her skin. I wanted to grab Mom and drag her away from but I instinctively knew that's exactly what she wanted, a physical confrontation. Instead I took pictures and Mom immediately released Bree and screamed that

Comments

[anonymous]

Ohhh, I have NO doubt that's exactly why she's moving closer: She's a Predator/Parasite and the operative word is "inflict" herself on you as well as causing "conflict."
Mine pulled the same crap except she only had remaining "Family" (her SIL and my 8 adult cousins) several states away. As she aged I was completely NC-had been for decades, and apparently my Nsis was very, very LC and of course, she had NO friends. None. Despite residing in that same community for close to 50 yrs. I had begged her to move back to her place of birth so she'd have some social support. No WAY was that gonna happen: "NO ONE is running ME out of this town!" Anyway, after a couple of "visits to the (her) home town" where I had repeatedly encouraged her to move when Dad was divorcing her so she'd have some social support and my 18 yr. old self desperately needed assistance managing her, she started to made these "visits"-essentially to audition her SIL and their Adult Children.
Those poor people: She apparently came up with some sob story to them and they moved her out there, just down the street from my Aunt. To their everlasting regret. You know how "The road to hell is paved with good intentions?!" Well, there it was in action. Mine *also* had tons of financial resources despite her "Bag Lady" act after the divorce and was about the same age as your's when she pulled this move. My Aunt mentioned to me one day rather proudly, "Your mother never spent a night alone in her place!" To which I quietly responded, "Aunt A? She never INTENDED to." That was followed by dead silence: Aunt's wheels were turning-slowly but hey, she's in her 80's and a more decent, loving human being and mom, the absolute 180 from mine was starting to put the pieces together.
If she does move to your area, set her up with Adult Services (there are other than Adult Protective Services offered) and check out first the services offered through Office for the Aging in your county-they have tons of programs, caseworkers, can make referrals to secure other services for her etc. to keep her off your and Bree's proverbial backs. These are not "Needs Based" Programs. Erecting some sort of Firewall between you, Bree and her would assist in taking some of the stress and responsibility off you. It's not only a humane response, it's a matter of self-preservation. There's only so much of Enilina to "go around" and you've been "going around" now for so long you must be exhausted!
TW

[shabenanizer]

Thank you Tundra Woman about APS, I almost forgotten about APS because I'm so used to their services for legally incompetent adults (like my autistic sister) that I forget it applies to legally competent adults as well. I could see Mom causing all sorts of drama to see if we come running. When I ditched my mom and moved to Washington DC, in the first week I got 4 phone calls from 4 different people about her, one case she called the police claiming a 65 yrs old neighbor lady was threatening her.

When your mom couldn't get her hooks onto you and your sis, she found somebody else, your aunt. I have to keep telling myself that if I'm not around, she's going to find somebody else to "help" her or take care of her; we're just the easier targets because of social expectations to retain familial ties and our hope to one day have a non-abusive relationship with our mothers. I like your term, "audition". We don't need these predator/parasite but they need us. They need victims. Your mom never spending a night in her own home but always with your aunt in her kids send shivers down my spine. Bree's little farmhouse doesn't have a spare bedroom for Mom so she sleeps on the couch. Personally I would find that uncomfortable but Mom doesn't mind because she gets to have the literal front row seat for her crazy making. My niece and nephew ignores her and when she asks them questions, they know she's not really interested in their answers and it's just her seque to talk about herself, so the kids tag team outrageous stories to "answer" her questions and their stories get increasingly outlandish. I wonder if the kids picked up on how ridiculous Mom's stories were when they were younger and now are giving it back 10 folds.

[anonymous]

"They need victims." Pretty much, but I'd rephrase that somewhat to say, "They need someone to victimize or predate upon." I'm tellin' ya, this is THE most Self-Preserving cohort group I've ever encountered. (My "mother" is not by any stretch the only Cluster B I've tangled with in my life.) I'm also not surprised by all the phone calls you received when you moved-you were being "punished" for escaping her geographical grasp. Mine lost her "phone privileges" when I received a full scholarship to a prestigious Uni several states away. (I didn't get in there because I was so smart-it was only because I worked my butt off.) I well remember the *first* behavioral step I took to limit contact and it was a bold-faced LIE. Yes, I lied to my "mother." This was huge for me and the guilt was just about overwhelming-but not enough to coerce me to give her my phone number. Reducing her contact to snail mail only was so enlightening: I was able to read her avalanches of snail mail at my leisure, clearly see the tactics, the increasing demands (and LOVING the peace!) etc. By the end of the first semester, I had finally reached a simple, but profound realization: If my presence isn't helping, my absence won't hurt. I was sad, yes of course, but I accepted this was simply the way it was: What I WAS doing wasn't helping-either of us-so since all my attempts were utterly futile, what did I have to loose by doing something different? I needed to stop inserting my wishful thinking, my ego, my hubris into this relationship, demonstrate some humility and step aside. Within two weeks of NC I had the cops beating down my door in the middle of the night on "Wellness Checks" instigated by my "mother." She hired PIs, pulled an in-person Ambush a few years post NC-it goes on and on until the time of her physical death a few decades later. Effectively, she reinforced my NC decision and her pathology became yet more fulminant. Your "mother's" contacting others, effectively embarrassing you-and if I'm wrong here, correct me, OK?-was targeted, intentional and premeditated: She KNOWS you WELL. More importantly for this discussion, Enilina, what I'm suggesting is coming up with some practical, comfortable-for-YOU ways to erect a Firewall for your own preservation and sanity. Any attempts to back off from our involvement, to assert some autonomy results immediately in a back-lash of epic proportions: Their "response" is waaayy out of proportion to the perceived "threat." The "hooks" as you observed are set so deep, they don't make a whole lot of rational sense to someone who's standing on the outside but they make all kinds of sense emotionally, psychologically to those of us who grew up Cluster B "parented." It's not easy AT ALL to do this. ex: One of my vulnerabilities was my absolute abhorrence of Public Scenes; honestly, I was fearful of Public Scenes and had been subjected to them from my earliest memories/experiences. Of course my "mother" was well aware of this and WORKED it. I understand there are going to be personal "costs" involved. By the same reasoning in reading through your Blog, you've already paid huge costs with no end in sight. When it comes to sheer tenacity, humaneness and decency, you have so many wonderful qualities your "mother" can twist to use against you. I'm really pleased to see you already have an attorney who I'm assuming you use primarily for Bree. I'm sure they can also advise you from a legal perspective the legal options regarding your "mother." (We actually do have Constitutional Rights to be left in peace-from EVERYONE, no DNA "exceptions-who knew?!) IMO, before calling Adult Services, I would call Office for the Aging because there are so many services they offer that are not advertised *and* they can make referrals FOR you and likely get services in place more quickly than you can. My apologies for the length of this epically long comment. I don't know if it'll even be accepted. I want you to KNOW you truly are *not* alone with all this. You ARE a kind, decent, compassionate human being. So what do you think you'd be comfortable with in terms of a Firewall? Where do you see your personal vulnerabilities regarding your "mother?" What are your most pressing worries, concerns etc.? (In AC Solidarity ;) ) TW

[shabenanizer]

You're amazing Tundra Woman, and I hope to get to where you are sooner than later. You're right that these NPDs are great survivalists and even greater at self preservation. Sacrifice one self for family or for the greater good never enter their thought, but instead we are the ones who much sacrifice everything for them and still it will never be enough. I stopped worrying about Mom about 5 years ago even as her eye sight took a sudden turn for the worse, because I never trust that her eyes are as bad as she claims post surgery (she was able to chase me through Bree's back yard just fine)

CeCee is my autistic sister whom I have legal guardianship. Bree is my oldest sister who has a farm and a jackass husband and 2 great kids. When Mom bit Bree I nearly ran over to pull Mom off of Bree, but I'm certain a physical confrontation was exactly what she wanted to incite so she could call the police and claim she's being abused by her daughters. Bree is my big sister whom I've looked up to all my life and guess I left it to her if she wanted to press assault charges against our mom. I'm still in shock over Mom biting Bree, it's as if she's degenerating into a desperate thing literally clinging to her last family member that tolerates her, and when Bree is about to pull her arm loose, Mom bit down to prevent Bree from getting loose. I often heard of people turning animalistic when they're desperate. First Mom chased me through the back yard, then Bree planned to leave with me, Mom grabbed Bree's arm, then Mom bit Bree's arm just as Bree was about to shake her loose.

I'm going to bet by next week that Mom would have found a replacement for Bree and me, another poor sap who fell for her sob stories and Mom will use her metaphoric teeth to sink into the new victim.