Yeah, when I don't want people to hear me...
So, yeah... Its been quite a while since I've posted any kind of thoughts that I've been having, or feelings that I've had... So far, my feelings as of 2009/05/18 02:00, everything fucking sucks... What do I do wrong? Why am I the one left out in the cold? Why am I always passed up for the things I want? Basically I want to know what deity, god, or karmatic thing I've pissed off in my life to deserve something like this... I mean, I'm a genuinely good guy... I try to avoid confrontations, I don't like to say mean hurtful things, hell I even apologize for the things that I don't do, just so I can make others feel better... So, why does it feel like I'm always the one trampled on?! Why does it feel like the entire world laughs at me every chance they get?!?! Why does it hurt so much in so many different ways?!!? Am I that much of a pathetic person?!
I used to think, "There has to be a reason I have all of these good looking friends, there has to be..." But the more I sit down and think about it, the more nothing makes sense... I try as hard as I can to be me, to be and stay happy... But I can feel my masks breaking, I can feel everything I've worked so hard to accomplish falling away, breaking under the pressure of this false visage... But every false thing in my life is necessary in order to at least keep up physical appearances... No one wants to be around a mopey, depressed guy... So I have to keep up the false lifestyle otherwise I'm left alone, a feeling I should be all too used to by now... Everything good in my life, I've watched walk out of it... Either of the will of "it" or by me forcing it out... But is it really so wrong of me?! To want something for myself, solely because I want to have it... Is that really such a bad thing?! Someone who has dedicated his life to the needs of others before himself, never having a selfish desire for anything... So, why is that I feel no matter what I do, I'm never worth more... I'm always just stuck at the mediocre level, never able to be anything but mediocre...
Let me talk about vices now... I have a few vices in my life... The vice to feel wanted, I love feeling needed or wanted in some sort of way... Sometimes, that gets me into trouble with myself, kind of like it did now... My vice with smoking, both cigarettes and marijuana... Cigarettes seem to give me one thing I can always do, no matter how much I really hate doing it... Marijuana, its my all encompassing vice... I dull my head as much as I possibly can, just so I Can avoid feeling anything, completely avoid thinking anything... Emotions in general get pushed aside as I smoke up, dulling me completely inside... Leaving me feeling hollow, and un-hurting, just like I want from it... Because it seems every single time I find someone/some people to let get close, it always ends badly for me... Because I tend to get closer, and then its the played out line "I value our friendship too much to risk it" well guess what?! You just risked it and not in the way you were intending... You can't pick and choose who you start liking, nor can you try to control anything related to emotions... In these situations, someone ALWAYS gets hurt... and nothing can go back to the way it was... Because hes over-correcting himself around you, trying to reprogram his brain in your presence trying to fall "out of love" with you... Causing him to start thinking of ways to blame you, despise you, and even hate you just so he can stop loving you... By the time its all said and done, you're no longer talking with each other and everything starts all over again...
I'm a hypocrite, I'll go ahead and say that... I talk all of this shit, and yet, still manage to do every damn bit of it... I see it happening, I know its happening, and yet I feel so helpless trying to change it, there's really no point in trying to stop it... I guess the one thing in all of the world I'm most afraid of becoming...... is me
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I used to think, "There has to be a reason I have all of these good looking friends, there has to be..." But the more I sit down and think about it, the more nothing makes sense... I try as hard as I can to be me, to be and stay happy... But I can feel my masks breaking, I can feel everything I've worked so hard to accomplish falling away, breaking under the pressure of this false visage... But every false thing in my life is necessary in order to at least keep up physical appearances... No one wants to be around a mopey, depressed guy... So I have to keep up the false lifestyle otherwise I'm left alone, a feeling I should be all too used to by now... Everything good in my life, I've watched walk out of it... Either of the will of "it" or by me forcing it out... But is it really so wrong of me?! To want something for myself, solely because I want to have it... Is that really such a bad thing?! Someone who has dedicated his life to the needs of others before himself, never having a selfish desire for anything... So, why is that I feel no matter what I do, I'm never worth more... I'm always just stuck at the mediocre level, never able to be anything but mediocre...
Let me talk about vices now... I have a few vices in my life... The vice to feel wanted, I love feeling needed or wanted in some sort of way... Sometimes, that gets me into trouble with myself, kind of like it did now... My vice with smoking, both cigarettes and marijuana... Cigarettes seem to give me one thing I can always do, no matter how much I really hate doing it... Marijuana, its my all encompassing vice... I dull my head as much as I possibly can, just so I Can avoid feeling anything, completely avoid thinking anything... Emotions in general get pushed aside as I smoke up, dulling me completely inside... Leaving me feeling hollow, and un-hurting, just like I want from it... Because it seems every single time I find someone/some people to let get close, it always ends badly for me... Because I tend to get closer, and then its the played out line "I value our friendship too much to risk it" well guess what?! You just risked it and not in the way you were intending... You can't pick and choose who you start liking, nor can you try to control anything related to emotions... In these situations, someone ALWAYS gets hurt... and nothing can go back to the way it was... Because hes over-correcting himself around you, trying to reprogram his brain in your presence trying to fall "out of love" with you... Causing him to start thinking of ways to blame you, despise you, and even hate you just so he can stop loving you... By the time its all said and done, you're no longer talking with each other and everything starts all over again...
I'm a hypocrite, I'll go ahead and say that... I talk all of this shit, and yet, still manage to do every damn bit of it... I see it happening, I know its happening, and yet I feel so helpless trying to change it, there's really no point in trying to stop it... I guess the one thing in all of the world I'm most afraid of becoming...... is me
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