Disconnection
"Last updated 3 days ago." Three days! It seems like an age. Yet what has happened? Not much, I'm afraid. Now my feeling of depression is a little eased, my ADD decides to go haywire. My thoughts are disperse, and it is hard to catch them, string two together. I'm so tired, all I want to do is sleep all day, but when I lie down at night I cannot get to sleep. Toss, turn, toss, turn, and toss some more. Talk to myself in frustration, make faces at the wall, turn on the light and try to read, go over to the computer and surf, multiple trips to the bathroom... it all adds up to 3 or 4 am, leaving me only 6 hours of sleep or so.
I self-medicate with coffee sometimes. It helps me to gather my wits, and concentrate a little, if I'm lucky. But I think it makes things worse with the insomnia. AAAAAARGH. I cannot convey the stupid helpless feeling, the utter frustration, the hopelessness of seeing oneself incapable of change. Other people may say (as I would, if I hadn't experienced it) "buck up, take control of your life. Don't you want to graduate? Don't you want to go on with your life?" Of course I do. It isn't as simple as weighing one's options, making a decision, and acting on it, when one's life is OUT OF CONTROL. I hate this. I hate that just surviving from one day to the next takes all my strength, and doing anything extra takes an almost superhuman effort that yields very little result. It's slow going, I tell you. Slooow going. Uphill going.
I self-medicate with coffee sometimes. It helps me to gather my wits, and concentrate a little, if I'm lucky. But I think it makes things worse with the insomnia. AAAAAARGH. I cannot convey the stupid helpless feeling, the utter frustration, the hopelessness of seeing oneself incapable of change. Other people may say (as I would, if I hadn't experienced it) "buck up, take control of your life. Don't you want to graduate? Don't you want to go on with your life?" Of course I do. It isn't as simple as weighing one's options, making a decision, and acting on it, when one's life is OUT OF CONTROL. I hate this. I hate that just surviving from one day to the next takes all my strength, and doing anything extra takes an almost superhuman effort that yields very little result. It's slow going, I tell you. Slooow going. Uphill going.