I'm sure we'll grow, but we'll never bloom again
I feel pretty disturbed.
Will and I always do this. We'll go a long time without talking, then one of us will get back in touch with the other at which point talking will resume... then we'll see each other and hook up, after which we'll remember why we stopped talking in the first place: because we're really just not meant to be together anymore.
As I said to him last night, we shared a lot of love between us once.. but we used up the amount we were given, and it feels like we're trying to pour water into a cup that has a hole in it. There's just no point; it'll never be what it once was, nor do either of us want it to be.
But that doesn't mean I don't feel the stab when I drunkenly read his text messages (see how drinking brings out the best in people?) between him and this girl we used to go to high school with. Like, what the hell? Why on earth would he be texting her- about how I wasn't the girl for him, how he's never really felt like himself around me- while he's with me in my apartment, "sleeping" two feet from me? What kind of person does that?
It didn't make me feel sad, really; just a fierce protectiveness over High School Shana, who to this day knows how special that relationship was, who wants to slap him across the face and scream at him that I knew him better than anyone, and how dare he forget that?
...and then calmer, older Shana comes in and reminds that version of myself that it's been so long since I've cared for him in that way; what's the point in getting upset?
Anyways. It's just been a weird night/day overall. After I got home from Eugene, I took like a five hour nap which has also really thrown me off; I hate sleeping during the day, I feel like I waste so much time.
mmm... whenever I get to thinking about the way I spend my time, I always am reminded of that book Momo that Professor Ostmeier had us read..
"Calendars and clocks exist to measure time,
but that signifies little because we all know that an hour
can seem as eternity or pass in a flash,
according to how we spend it.
Time is life itself, and life resides in the human heart. "
And it's so. SO true.
gahhh If I'm awake, I should probably try and do something productive (because apparently, Spider Solitaire doesn't qualify)... like get started on that Steer Clear program, or start deciding what pictures I'm going to put up around my room this year..
but quickly, before I go, here is a list of upcoming events:
-lunch with Becca tomorrow!
-Lake Shasta this weekend with the sisterlings
-Move back to Eugene on Sunday
-birthday is next Wednesdaaay! Only a year and seven days until I'm twenty-one... sigh
I love having things to look forward to :)
shalom shalom.
S