I'm sorry I apologize so much.
my dearest Livejournal,
I'm exceedingly sorry that I haven't been writing. SAKE (Shana, Anna, Kaitlin and Eden)'s facebook thread has become my new writing outlet, because apparently I don't know how to have more than one.
I'm feeling strongly apologetic towards you, which I think is a beautiful mixture of bizarre and pathetic.
So, I'M BAAAAAAACK!
(weee!)
Things on my mind:
1.) Street Faire is over- thank GOD.
it was fine and I enjoyed being involved and blah blah BLAH but holy Moses, I canNOT live like that. I barely slept, I had to skip essentially all my classes and I was eating shitty Street Faire food the entire time and I probably gained about ten pounds. Hopefully this is an exaggeration. I wouldn't know; I've been avoiding the scale.
2) I went home for Mother's Day which was just what I needed after that week in the depths of hell. My extended family can really piss me off sometimes, but it was a veryy good visit this time around. Fredi, Debbie, Robert and Shawn were all in town and I could tell they were excited that I was "all grown up." And I finally saw TIMMYYYYY! I love him. And Bill.. I love him too. I feel like I've gotten closer to him this past year.. and for some reason I've been thinking about Bonnie, his daughter who died when she was two, a lot lately.
3) I didn't realize it at first, but my aunts and uncle were in town because Aunt Peal is reaching the end, and they wanted to say goodbye.
I went to see her on Sunday morning with Mama and my sisters and when I went over to her, I was suddenly crying- it felt like it came out of nowhere. It felt as though my body registered it before my head could, that this was someone I loved and would soon grieve for. She looked so frail, lying in bed like that with her bony fingers protecting her eyes from the light.. and when I spoke to her, sometimes unsure of what to say until finally asking her if she remembered it when Dad and I used to come every Saturday after Shul to visit, she just drank me in with her wide blue eyes and nodded so slightly that I could barely see it.
But when it was hard for me, I turned away. I didn't want her to see me cry. I didn't want to be the one to make her realize that she's really dying.
4) Dad and I talked for a while last night about Flor.
I'm rooting for her, for them. He knows that. I think she does, too.
I told him how I felt about everything.. tried to make him see what she's sacrificing for him, and how they're supposed to be together.
Seriously, if there's anyone in the world who's meant for my dad, it's Flor.
They really are soulmates: it's obvious.
Anyways, he said I gave him a lot to think about, which I was glad to hear.
5) okay, so I love school- but I'm ready for it to be over. And CAAAAMP ahhh. Only five-ish more weeks and then I'll be there, drinking in that Schechter air... mmmm. I'm already fantasizing about those sunsets and pretending to not realize it when my campers sneak out and getting dressed up for Shabbat and best of all, days off with Kaito and Anna.. drinking and getting high on warm summer nights on our session breaks in Seattle, in Kaito's apartment or at AePi...
god, this summer is going to be unbelievable. Those girls, that place.. they bring out the absolute best in me.
It's like when I'm at home with you guys, my best friends, I feel as though I look my best, I sound my best, I feel my best.. but when I'm around school friends and meeting new people, this huge-feeling, badly-dressed girl with a squeaky, stuttery voice comes out and I don't know how to put her away.
I'm going to try and be asleep by 11:30 tonight. Wish me luck.