Hues of mauve, burgundy and vermillion...
So much shoves itself at your face when you least think you can handle the drama. College is seconday school drama to the power of infinity. It's so difficult to put up a radiant expression when deep inside, none but a raging river of emotions flow through you. In my case, it feels like an endless supply of troubles are coming my way as if taunting me to overcome them and emerge tops at the end of each battle. The essence is that life is just not as simple as a two-way street.
Is life dysfunctional at this point of life?
Why is it that people say I act beyond my years?
Just recently I told Ai Peng (DU-rian in Trinity) how the world will never turn its back on you unless you stop believing.
But to fall into the pit itself and grapple for a stable grounds amidst ample rubble while trying hard to seek light in the dusty darkness..that's not an easy feat.
V and I have since drifted apart since commencement of college. Initially we were still close but now with everything that's been said and done, I am not sure about the closeness anymore.
You know how it feels when you unsuspectingly get caught in the middle of a he and she? It's so damn hard to be friends of two and yet try to remain confide-able and good with both parties? And then suddenly one retreats..and you feel as if you have had something ripped out of your heart. My stories are twisted, I am caught in a lot of dilemma and confusion and doubt and hurt in search of the best way to deal with situations.
It's not a funny thing to be a depository of people's woes either. I thought I would be in a state ready for such a situation after putting a lot of things behind me. But no, things seem to haunt me; these things are not even mine to shoulder. It's so unknowingly that I have them placed as weights on my shoulders. I'm not unwilling to be a friend, but at times I question how worth it it is to get so emotionally involved in a problem not even mine. Get my drift?
Blessed I am to have a few who still care to keep in touch and check on me to know that I am doing alright. Some new, some old. Without them, I reckon I may have suffered endless emotional blowouts and breakdowns.
Yesterday we went out to Mid Valley before an exam briefing at college for Sushi King and ice cream. The night was hilarious. HILARIOUS. Have I introduced you to FRANCINE? Jia Liang pranked Yew Jhin the exact way he did to Shea Kang yesterday- by pretending he was some hot chick who was extremely interested. Gave him a number to call even, and Yew Jhin got so so so freaked out, asked me if it was a guy/ girl, if he should call and said he was scared. There was a loophole though, Yew Jhin has Jia Liang's number. So after dialling, he gets Jia Liang's name on caller ID and says "gay". The process was utterly hilarious and they even tried a more foolproof version on Hon Kai. Only that dude had no guts to call. =)
Somehow the prank set my night on a high, endless laughter at the computer until I was worn out and retired to bed at one-ish (after a Chemistry tutoring session with Shea Kang, Pheebs, Yew Jhin on MSN).
Today we were at 1 Utama, myself with Sook Yeen, Hui Wen and her friend, Joel, in search for Mother's Day gifts. For me, it was a tiny shopping trip out. Then had a lunch in Italianni's with Yeen, Jia Liang and my cousin.
Tomorrow being Mother's Day, one of the many overdone occassions worldwide, is going to be quite ordinary I reckon. Us having blew RM 420 on a Nokia 3100 in late April on my mum's birthday are watching the tills this time. My mum's been particularly moody of late, my brother being a large fraction of the cause. Rebellious 14-year-old boys should be banished from homes with mothers who do so much and expect so little in return. I remember how I'm constantly moved by my mother's sacrifices. Each year I try my best to write her a card of some sort, my typical long-winded, multi-structured-sentence-essay-resembling cards. There was a year I was so moved just reflecting on things she had done for me that before I could start writing..I remember collapsing on the bed in tears. Tears that spilled out of nowhere, almost. She's one amazing woman. From a star athlete and head girl back in the little Port Dickson High School, she now is an ex-teacher but a role model mother. Despite her short fuse and sarcastic nature, she still outshines as one who's brought me up into the person I am today. Through my years in school she's seen me through my major highs and lows, gone distances to ensure I am in the safest of hands. She may not always be reasonable (ie with shopping splurges and trips in the country and abroad etc) but it's the love and tolerance that keeps us going strong. What touches me most is the fact that she has played and influential part in my biggest of decisions, not always proving effective but she stood by my decisions. She believed in me. Through everything, big or small.
Mum, you will probably never read this but do know that I love you. Through our heart-to-hearts about the people who've created the best parts of our lives..and through every little thing you've done for me..you deserve none but the greatest riches in the world- not materially, but you deserve happiness, good health and safety. This Mother's Day and every day that's passed and that beckons, I pray for all that for you. Thank you...for everything. For all that words are worth, I hope you know that you're greatly appreciated, from the depths of my heart.