i didn't mean it when i said didn't love you so, i shoulda held on tight, i never shoulda let you go
wow , i really realized something about myself today. i push people away, without even realizing it until` later and i realized i fuck'd up. esp. guys, wow that's no big surprise there. i don't trust guys. i mean, can you really blame me. after everything i've been through with guys...
first there was patrick. i thought he really fucked me up. i mean after all the fights and jelously and not trusting eachother, and him being worried about me b/c i was turning into a bigg alcoholic. how could that not fuck up a girl. i thought i was really in love with him. i mean i'd stay awake at night just waiting for his phone call b/c i knew he'd call me every single night when he got home no matter what time it was. so i'd stay awake all night waiting for his phone call... than when he finally would call, we'd be on the phone for hours, even though we faught half the time. mostly b/c i was a fuck up and didnt even trust guys back than b/c of my father. he tryed breaking that, it didnt work. it made me not trust guys even more, b/c eventually he got so fed up with me not trusting him he broke up with me.... once, than twice, than the third time, than the fourth, and finally for good. i mean i broke up with him sometimes too, but we'd always find eachother after we had given eachother time to grow and realize things... go figure, i was the one who would never change, i was always the fucked up one. thinking when he was out late at night, he was cheating on me. although i really knew he would never cheat on me in his entire life. i still had that feeling and it made me uneasy. it made me worry and become pshyco. i hate being the pshyco girlfriend, it makes me look like a bad girlfriend... like what the hell... urgh..
next there was josh... ha, i fuck'd that one up by myself, no help needed. with in a week i got sick of only seeing him for like 3 hours at a time b/c he worked 24/7 i ended up cheating on him. bigg mistake, i felt real bad. i even lied to him about it b/c i still wanted to be with him. but i couldnt go through with the lie. it was killing me, so i told him it was true. anndrea said he looked like he was gonna cry when i told him. later we talked about it and i said he didnt even fucking care and he said he was about to cry but he didnt wanna cry in school.... wow another example of me pushing people away b/c i dont trust myself of them....
& now for the bigg reason i`m soooo fuck'd up.... baby .... wow, i never thought one guy could ever get to me sooo strongly. i had the strongest wall protecting me, one sweet kiss, & he brought it down. doesnt surprise me though. i always had a thing for the asshole/player type. i had this thing though. a person could have the worest known reputation, and i'd see right past it. with baby, i saw the real him when everyone else saw what everyone knew... player ... i saw different, atleast i thought i saw different. i was sooo in love with him i saw what i wanted to see and not what i shoulda seen. everyone told me he was wrong for me, i even freaked out on my bestfriends b/c they said something bad about him & i told them he was different, they didnt believe me. i made myself believe he was different b/c i didnt wanna get hurt again, and he had broke down my wall soo easily... i was scared, no1 had ever made me feel the way i did about him except for pat, and that went wrong... so of course i was scared, but i hid my feelings and how scared i was of him. i never wanted to show any guy that he had ever gotten the best of me, baby did. i was completely head over heels, and i couldnt do anything about it, i didnt wanna do anything about it. i thought i was in love again... actually i knew i was in love again. i had that warm crazy insaine feeling inside. everything was going perfectly. his kisses were the best thing in the world. we'd sit in his car for hours just talking and kissing, i felt safe like nothing could harm me. it was the best feeling in the world... i couldnt believe it, i was actually happy with a guy for once, and not just as a friend. than things went bad, and i wanted to be there for him like i always had been. but he wouldnt let me. he wouldnt let me do anything. i was completely blocked from his life. when for so long i was a part of his life. i felt like killing myself. nothing seem'd right after that. i was missurable. i didnt wanna be around anyone, and i certianly didnt wanna be around guys. i was depressed and competely upset, not even my friends could cheer me up this time... nothing seemed too work, until` we started talking again..... finally everything felt right again, i knew i wasnt in his life like i used to be. but hay. it was a start right... i stopped being so depressed and actually started doing things.....
it's weird how the smallest things could effect you soo deeply and things that are bigg could barely though you....