Yakima WA 98908
I need to get out a quick reflection.
Yakima is treating me like a princess. Today i felt like i accomplished a lot just because i was so happy being around my sister and aunt and dad and cousins when in actuality all i did was shop and eat. We came home and my sister started making her amazing and famous homemade apple pie. We all started helping and after i helped stirred i was about to go sit on the couch and read a magazine. Then my dad starts dancing while hes stirring like shaking his butt and i thought it was so funny and he said i read something today that said you cant live in the future. you have to be doing the right now. and right now my only care in the world is stirring this pie sauce. And i was like whatever dad. but if you think about it, why not always be thinking about the moment right now. Its all you have, you never know if youre going to be here a moment later and you could let things pass by you that you wished you had savored. I am sounding like a hallmark card. but maybe thats where some of the most intelligent philosophy comes from. Anyway. After i stayed and diced apples and listened to my dad sing "mamas little baby loves shortening, shortening, mamas little baby loves shortening bread" which is one of the greatest lullabies, i realized how happy i am here. Right there in that kitchen. Next to my sister yelling at me for not cutting the apples small enough and my warm aunt dina gossiping but not harmfully gossiping about the other rangels. and my dad that stopped helping and started on his crossword. I was happy that i had that for however long it was. And its something ive never done before: not wanted the next moment. I was thinking about all the times i say to myself tomorrow is gonna be better or i have this to look foward to. And the funny thing is, it never makes you happy unless you live and stop thinking about whats coming next. Looking foward to things is a bad habit. and probably a compensation for an empty part in my life. i think that i thought that if the moment wasnt perfect it wasnt something to hold onto. like everyone getting along perfect and something movie like happening. which sounds dumb maybe. but even the unperfect moments are important and in their own way, perfect. but what im saying is that it should ALL be cherished.
After all that we went in the hot tub. Which was of course for elia rangel another life changing experience. My sister told us a long story and we sat and looked out at the huge field and the snow. And it was so peaceful and im so glad yakima is helping me more calmly work out all the troubles i have at home waiting for me. And after my sister and my aunt dina got out me and my dad had a long talk. first about global warming and wars and nuclear bombs and unpleasant things and on to other things. like the hieracy of needs. and suicide. its hard to give the second part of our talk like a topic, but i have so much to learn from my dad. And its comforting knowing my source to figuring out my life is so close at hand.
something strange that ive been dealing with lately is worrying about what other people think. its confusing to think about how deeply rooted it is. but so many people, if you ask them, will say that they live by their own reasons and dont concern themselves with other peoples ideas. and not to say that they are lying, but they dont realize how much they actually do let other people control them. Well whatever, we got into that a lot. and i was thinking about how i was reading an interview with salma hayek and she was talking about how you have to be at peace with yourself and have your own reasons in life. and to me its a nice thing to hear and its encouraging but its a completely other thing to do it. to actually say, what are my needs? and how do i pull away from other opinions to meet my needs.
i am such a lucky person and i think its important for me to start realizing all the amazing things i have in my life. to say the least, food and water. guaranteed. a shelter, a warm bed. all of that and then rediculous luxuries like bags clothes jewelry everything. and then of course more importantly friends. not aquaintances because i feel like im seeing more and more why they arent important to me, but real friends that know you and understand you and laugh with you and cry and all of that. and deal with you. and an alex who seems to love me with every ounce in his body and god, just my whole damn family. it would take me days to go through them all and really say why they are important. but theyre there. it is strange to even say this because when i was feeling bad, i could find fault in everything. problems with my friends, family alex house all of it. anything i felt i have to be thankful for. but now i think imperfection is perfect. my family is far from perfect a lot of them have issues and they live far away and some i feel like like my sister better or theyve never even met me, blah blah blah. but the thing is that you will always be able to find fault in things. the point is that you have them. and i felt that the good didnt out weigh the bad. amd my dad said thats when you have to start making major changes and letting go of the things you love. not to say that he is wrong because hes lived longer and knows better than me, but i think part of it is realizing why you are thankful. and my reason is that these things exist in my life. i think thats what it is anyway, im not sure. and then i have so many possibilities for where my life is headed. which is something last week i thought of as the opposite. but i can basically do whatever the fuck i want. because im privilaged like a mother fucker. and i am certain that where ever i end up, even its working at dennys till im 80, ill be okay with it. if you know that youre happy and that it works for you then what else could matter?
its a weird thing to think that maybe just last week i was having horrible thoughts about myself, and my worth and why im even alive. and its a little disgusting and pretty sad when you feel as hopeless and confused as i did. and i brought some of those negative feelings here. but you just cant keep them. theres too many babies and family and goodness to keep that. but something as little as being here and just relaxing the fuck out is saving my life.
haha, i was gonna say i cant wait to go home and fix it all and do what works for me and have a different and hopefully improved (because i could be wrong) attitude towards it all. but i can defintely wait. i miss my friends and alex o.d. but im gonna soak the rest of this vacation up and enjoy it.
so im glad for right now, sitting here alone in my aunt dinas living room, with just the xmas tree lights. and ill be glad when i finish this and go watch a movie with my sister. whatever it is, ill be glad for it.
hm well. im not gonna read this over because i know i will want to delete everything because it probably sounds really stupid and non sensical, but it might be helpful to look back on someday.
Yakima is treating me like a princess. Today i felt like i accomplished a lot just because i was so happy being around my sister and aunt and dad and cousins when in actuality all i did was shop and eat. We came home and my sister started making her amazing and famous homemade apple pie. We all started helping and after i helped stirred i was about to go sit on the couch and read a magazine. Then my dad starts dancing while hes stirring like shaking his butt and i thought it was so funny and he said i read something today that said you cant live in the future. you have to be doing the right now. and right now my only care in the world is stirring this pie sauce. And i was like whatever dad. but if you think about it, why not always be thinking about the moment right now. Its all you have, you never know if youre going to be here a moment later and you could let things pass by you that you wished you had savored. I am sounding like a hallmark card. but maybe thats where some of the most intelligent philosophy comes from. Anyway. After i stayed and diced apples and listened to my dad sing "mamas little baby loves shortening, shortening, mamas little baby loves shortening bread" which is one of the greatest lullabies, i realized how happy i am here. Right there in that kitchen. Next to my sister yelling at me for not cutting the apples small enough and my warm aunt dina gossiping but not harmfully gossiping about the other rangels. and my dad that stopped helping and started on his crossword. I was happy that i had that for however long it was. And its something ive never done before: not wanted the next moment. I was thinking about all the times i say to myself tomorrow is gonna be better or i have this to look foward to. And the funny thing is, it never makes you happy unless you live and stop thinking about whats coming next. Looking foward to things is a bad habit. and probably a compensation for an empty part in my life. i think that i thought that if the moment wasnt perfect it wasnt something to hold onto. like everyone getting along perfect and something movie like happening. which sounds dumb maybe. but even the unperfect moments are important and in their own way, perfect. but what im saying is that it should ALL be cherished.
After all that we went in the hot tub. Which was of course for elia rangel another life changing experience. My sister told us a long story and we sat and looked out at the huge field and the snow. And it was so peaceful and im so glad yakima is helping me more calmly work out all the troubles i have at home waiting for me. And after my sister and my aunt dina got out me and my dad had a long talk. first about global warming and wars and nuclear bombs and unpleasant things and on to other things. like the hieracy of needs. and suicide. its hard to give the second part of our talk like a topic, but i have so much to learn from my dad. And its comforting knowing my source to figuring out my life is so close at hand.
something strange that ive been dealing with lately is worrying about what other people think. its confusing to think about how deeply rooted it is. but so many people, if you ask them, will say that they live by their own reasons and dont concern themselves with other peoples ideas. and not to say that they are lying, but they dont realize how much they actually do let other people control them. Well whatever, we got into that a lot. and i was thinking about how i was reading an interview with salma hayek and she was talking about how you have to be at peace with yourself and have your own reasons in life. and to me its a nice thing to hear and its encouraging but its a completely other thing to do it. to actually say, what are my needs? and how do i pull away from other opinions to meet my needs.
i am such a lucky person and i think its important for me to start realizing all the amazing things i have in my life. to say the least, food and water. guaranteed. a shelter, a warm bed. all of that and then rediculous luxuries like bags clothes jewelry everything. and then of course more importantly friends. not aquaintances because i feel like im seeing more and more why they arent important to me, but real friends that know you and understand you and laugh with you and cry and all of that. and deal with you. and an alex who seems to love me with every ounce in his body and god, just my whole damn family. it would take me days to go through them all and really say why they are important. but theyre there. it is strange to even say this because when i was feeling bad, i could find fault in everything. problems with my friends, family alex house all of it. anything i felt i have to be thankful for. but now i think imperfection is perfect. my family is far from perfect a lot of them have issues and they live far away and some i feel like like my sister better or theyve never even met me, blah blah blah. but the thing is that you will always be able to find fault in things. the point is that you have them. and i felt that the good didnt out weigh the bad. amd my dad said thats when you have to start making major changes and letting go of the things you love. not to say that he is wrong because hes lived longer and knows better than me, but i think part of it is realizing why you are thankful. and my reason is that these things exist in my life. i think thats what it is anyway, im not sure. and then i have so many possibilities for where my life is headed. which is something last week i thought of as the opposite. but i can basically do whatever the fuck i want. because im privilaged like a mother fucker. and i am certain that where ever i end up, even its working at dennys till im 80, ill be okay with it. if you know that youre happy and that it works for you then what else could matter?
its a weird thing to think that maybe just last week i was having horrible thoughts about myself, and my worth and why im even alive. and its a little disgusting and pretty sad when you feel as hopeless and confused as i did. and i brought some of those negative feelings here. but you just cant keep them. theres too many babies and family and goodness to keep that. but something as little as being here and just relaxing the fuck out is saving my life.
haha, i was gonna say i cant wait to go home and fix it all and do what works for me and have a different and hopefully improved (because i could be wrong) attitude towards it all. but i can defintely wait. i miss my friends and alex o.d. but im gonna soak the rest of this vacation up and enjoy it.
so im glad for right now, sitting here alone in my aunt dinas living room, with just the xmas tree lights. and ill be glad when i finish this and go watch a movie with my sister. whatever it is, ill be glad for it.
hm well. im not gonna read this over because i know i will want to delete everything because it probably sounds really stupid and non sensical, but it might be helpful to look back on someday.