so i havent done this in a while...
and i think its time i did some updating. so today has been a really weird day. it was mother's day and jon's bday, but i think it has been one of the most depressing days i've had in a loooooong time. i dunno i feel sick to my stomach right now b/c of everything. well most importantly, billy's grandma died. she was the most important person to him. he once told me that the only two things he loved most in life were me and his grandma. and i left him and now this. i dont know. i mean i want to be there for him i want to take this pain away, i want to make things better, but i CAN'T. and that hurts me. that makes me feel sick. to know that i have caused so much pain and now cant help him with this pain. i know its not my fault i know that there's nothing i can do. but i cant help but think that i could have saved him from some pain. i dont know. i know that he called me first to let me know. i know that he wanted me to be there. he told me he called and wanted me to know because he tells me everything. i believe him. i want it to go away. i want it to just be a dream. but its not. i cant heal anything i cant solve anything. i am helpless once again. i'm sorry. there's nothing i can do. i cant be there to hold him i cant be there to wipe his tears. its hard. when i was there for him for so long. and to not be there is hard. i dont like to see people hurt. i dont. the first time i ever saw him cry was when he said he thought his grandma was sick. this was 2 years ago and he said he didnt know what he would do or how he would take it if she died. and now here we are 2 years later and it has happened. i dunno its hard for me. but its even harder, b/c i know i can't be what he wants me to be. i have changed. he wasnt right for me. i loved him yes. i did. i still love him, but not that way. not in the way he wants. i love him as a friend. as a person that i would be there for. but not any deeper. i feel so shitty. i feel like i should do more. i feel like in some way i have caused this. but i know i havent. i know there's nothing for me to do. but i cant help but be upset. i keep crying and i dont know why. maybe i'm crying for him. maybe i'm just dumb. i dunno. i wish there was something i could do. i'm gonna stop rambling now.
deuce.
deuce.