For the Love of Stargate Fanfiction Contest (Category 2, Entry 2)
The following is Entry 2 for the category "Deleted Scene: Continuum" for our For the Love of Stargate Fanfiction Contest. The author will remain anonymous until winners are announced.
You can vote via our website, LiveJournal, or email from now until January 21st at midnight EST. One vote per person please!
A Life Lost
Chapter 1
Daniel Jackson stopped in front of the apartment door: No. 1001 - tenth floor, first door on the left, next to the elevator. So it wouldn't take the cripple long to reach his apartment after entering the building. That unwelcome idea, unintentionally provoked by the people who had meticulously planned his new life for him, stirred the anger Daniel thought he’d buried just minutes ago when he’d stepped out of the cab in front of the building. He pushed the notion aside and looked around.
The gray corridor with apartment doors on both sides and only one small window at the far end was dimly lit; black-and-white photographs of the city decorated the walls. Luckily, none of his new neighbors were in sight. If they had been, he would have ignored them anyway, as he did everybody these days.
Truth be told, he seemed to have lost the once sensitive and caring part of his being the moment he was forced to say goodbye to the remaining members of his team at Elmendorf Air Force Base. This was not his world, his Earth; he didn’t belong here. All he wanted to do was go home with his friends. And that was the one thing he couldn’t do.
With a sigh, he eyed the door of his new ”home” suspiciously. Daniel really didn’t want to go inside, but what choice did he have? He could hardly stand in the middle of the hall all day. Besides, the pain in his left leg was increasing rapidly, and he knew he needed to sit down very soon.
Finally, he leaned his right-hand crutch against the wall, turned the key and pushed the door wide open so that he would be able to enter, using the crutches he already hated so much. He took a deep breath, adjusted the strap of the green duffle bag that cut into his shoulder, gripped the handles of his crutches tighter than before - if that was even possible - and hobbled over the threshold.
Darkness welcomed him. How appropriate, he thought.
Daniel’s custodian had told him about his apartment on the plane, but of course, he hadn’t listened to anything the man had said while they flew further and further away from Sam and Mitchell and their former life together.
He buried that thought again and took another step, ignoring the nausea and vertigo which threatened to overwhelm him any moment now.
Daniel stood in a narrow hallway, one door on either side and an archway that had to lead to the living room in front of him. Someone had drawn the curtains over the windows on the opposite wall, but he could make out the shape of a sofa with a lot of cushions leaning against the back and a stool sitting in front.
He slammed the door behind him with his elbow, dropped the bag where he stood, and carefully made his way through the gloom, ignoring the sudden sharp pain in his arm that had made contact with the wooden door. At least it made him feel alive - in a scary kind of way.
Daniel headed straight to the sofa, slumped on the nearest, end and settled back, crutches clattering unnoticed to the floor. Exhaustion and despair finally took their toll, and he sank into oblivion.
“No!”
Daniel woke with a start, eyes wide and unfocused in the unfamiliar darkness surrounding him. Biting cold from his dream still clung to his rigid body. He couldn’t feel his leg! Daniel reached down with his left hand, found nothing but air and the pillows he was resting on - and realization hit him. It hadn’t been a dream!
He clenched his teeth to muffle the pained groan that escaped his throat and sank back, closing his eyes again to shut out reality. This time sleep wouldn’t come that easily. And when it eventually did, his dead and lost friends’ faces appeared before his inner eye, followed by more nightmares filled with cold and darkness and stabbing pain.
Chapter 2
After that first disastrous night, days and weeks came and went without Daniel really noticing. Weeks turned into months, but the archaeologist who had once been so full of life, always eager to learn and upbeat in every thought and action, had lost all interest in the world surrounding him.
His military contact called on a regular basis and asked if he was okay, and he became used to lying to him. At least the Major had stopped coming by every other week to see if his stubborn charge was managing after Daniel threw him out of his apartment on a very bad Monday. His watchdog had dared make a comment about his unsound lifestyle and even suggested that maybe he should see a psychiatrist to get a grip on his life. Daniel’s only reply had been a sarcastic “Ya think?!” Jack O’Neill would have been proud of, and then he’d simply slammed the door in the man’s astounded face. He knew the Major was just doing his job, but the anger simmering inside of him helped him to stay sane.
He got up every morning, tired from too many sleepless nights, did his exercises, went to physiotherapy as ordered and for little walks in the afternoons to get some extra practice with his artificial limb. Daniel often sat on a bench in front of his apartment building and watched the people around him who seemed to live their happy lives.
He had always been good at surviving, he’d seen loneliness and dark times before, but this isolation in the middle of this Earth was worse than he could ever have imagined. And he couldn’t even run away from it because he couldn’t run at all. He was just a useless cripple, spending his days doing nothing - and he hated himself for becoming this stranger.
Chapter 3
It was another beautiful and sunny morning, but Daniel didnt notice the chirping birds in the tree above his head or the warmth of the sun on his face. He sat on his usual bench on the street and stared into space. His thoughts drifted back to that fateful day nine months ago, like they’d done so many times since he’d woken up in that damned hospital bed with Sam and Mitchell by his side - and half of his left leg missing.
The bitter memories had brought with them the familiar feelings of mourning and guilt when he suddenly heard a female voice call his name.
“Daniel! Danny, where are you?”
Before realizing that she could hardly have meant him, he turned around to see a young woman hurrying towards him. Daniel knew he’d met her in the hallway once or twice in the past few months, but he didn’t know her name.
“Have you seen my son?” she asked breathlessly, stopping in front of Daniel. “I just turned around to get the mail - and suddenly he was gone!” Panic was resonant in her voice, her eyes wide with worry.
An unhelpful “Uhm…” was all Daniel could get out before a yell from behind them made him turn his head once more.
“Mom, look what I’ve found!”
A young boy about the age of ten came running around the corner, clutching something in his arms. He skittered to a halt in front of Daniel’s bench and loosened his grip a little.
“Oh, Danny,” the boy’s mother sighed, taking a look at his discovery. “Where did you find it?”
Pointed black and furry ears appeared at Danny’s elbow while green and very intelligent eyes turned in the direction of Daniel who was still gaping at the two - no, three, he corrected himself - intruders who’d startled him out of his thoughts.
The kitten blinked at him and closed its eyes again, snuggling back into Danny’s arms. Somehow, Daniel felt jealous of the cat’s innocent trustfulness. He had been as trusting as this tiny cuddly ball a long time ago…
When he returned his attention to the people still standing next to him, mother and son had gotten into a heated argument over the kitten’s future.
“We can’t keep it, Danny, I’m sorry,” the mother tried to explain to her son whose face began to screw up.
“But Mom…please! He’s got no home.”
The little boy was close to tears now. Daniel decided it was time to join in and carefully rose, using the backrest for support and trying not to put too much weight onto his injured leg.
“Hi, I’m Daniel J...Ballard,” he introduced himself and tried a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. How many times had he said almost the same words over the past eleven years? He sighed inwardly when the mother turned around and smiled at him apologetically.
“Oh, Mr. Ballard, I’m so sorry! Hi, I’m Susan Jones.” They shook hands. “And this is my son Daniel… Danny.” Mrs. Jones pointed at the apartment house behind them. “We live at the other end on the tenth floor, that’s how I knew you.”
Daniel and Danny locked eyes, unsmiling blue ones into curious smaller blue ones until a smile flickered over the younger Daniel’s face.
“That’s a nice name you got,” he joked, and Daniel had to smile, too, despite his earlier cheerless mood.
“Thanks, you too. May I see your cat?” And with that he lowered himself onto the bench again because he feared his legs wouldn’t hold his weight much longer.
“Sure.”
The boy sat down next to him and carefully hoisted the kitten onto Daniel’s lap. The tiny cat sniffed around for a while and eventually coiled up into a small black ball with its eyes closed. Only the twitching nose and ears indicated that the cat was still awake.
Daniel had never had a pet other than fish - which didn’t really count as pets in his opinion. He wasn’t even sure he liked cats, but this little kitten seemed to appeal to his caring side which he’d believed long lost. The warm body on his thighs was a comforting presence.
The boy watched him scratch the cat’s ears for a while and finally stated, “He likes you.”
Daniel looked up in surprise. “Yeah? How can you tell?”
Young Danny didn’t hesitate to answer. “He’s snoring.”
And really, the kitten was fast asleep on Daniel’s lap, a peaceful expression on its tiny face that was half buried under its tail.
Danny’s mother chuckled and sat down on Daniel’s other side. “Sorry that I ran up to you like that, I was worried sick,” she tried to apologize for her earlier behavior.
Daniel was still looking at the sleeping cat that wrinkled its nose and sneezed, and he answered absent-mindedly, “Oh, that’s okay. I was just thinking about…something and hadn’t paid much attention.”
His voice trailed off, and he continued studying the fur ball on his lap with the same scrutiny he would usually have reserved for interesting artifacts or unknown obscure dialects on unexplored planets.
Mother and son sensed that he didn’t really want to talk right now, so the three of them sat together in amicable silence and watched the napping kitten that seemed to be untroubled by their presence. After a while, it opened its eyes again, yawned, and tried to stand up on Daniel’s left thigh.
“Ow!”
Daniel’s sudden outburst startled the animal so that it jumped from the bench and hid under the nearest bush. It hadn’t really been a stabbing pain, just an unexpected discomfort, so Daniel took a deep breath and tried to calm down, ignoring the worried glances coming his way from either side.
When he could speak again, he tried to soothe the kitten that watched them with anxious eyes. “I’m sorry, little one, it wasn’t your fault.” But the cat didn’t move. Angry with himself, Daniel turned to Mrs. Jones. “I better get some rest. Will you take care of him?”
She just smiled. “Of course, we will. My Danny is as stubborn as his dad. He’ll never give up until we take him home with us. I’m sure Danny has already chosen a name for him.”
The boy only smiled his most innocent smile and jumped up, turning toward Daniel. “May I come visit you again?” he asked.
Bright blue eyes, so similar to Daniel’s, were looking down at him hopefully.
“Danny!” the boy’s mother started; but Daniel cut her off with an apologetic shrug.
“Sure you can. I’ll be back this afternoon.”
Danny’s face lit up in a wide grin. “Great! See you later then.” And with a happy wave, he danced off into the direction of the swings and other fascinating playground equipment he’d just discovered in the backyard.
His mother watched him climb a carousel with a sad smile on her lips and finally turned back to Daniel. “Are you sure, Mr. Ballard?”
“Daniel,” he interrupted.
“Daniel,” she confirmed with a nod. “He can be a little difficult at times.”
Daniel shifted uncomfortably under her knowing gaze when he grabbed his walking stick to stand up, but quietly answered, “Yeah, I’m sure.”
And to his surprise, he meant it.
Chapter 4
When Daniel entered his apartment that night, a smile was still tugging at his lips. He’d spent the afternoon with Danny on the playground and watched the boy try every swing and jungle gym available. There had been an awkward moment when Danny had asked Daniel to join him on the whirligig, but Daniel had just waved back at the boy and explained, “My bad leg’s bothering me today.”
He wasn’t ready to tell him the whole truth yet or rather admit it to himself. Because that’s what talking about it would mean. Luckily, his new friends hadn’t pressed the matter.
Danny and Susan invited him over for lunch for the next day, so he could see the cat’s new home. Danny had named his new pet Jon, short for Jonathan.
Daniel wasn’t really sure why, but he had accepted the invitation after Danny’s reassurance that there would only be the three - well, four - of them. Daniel had even promised to bring a toy for the kitten. That meant he would have to take another route home from physiotherapy in the morning and search for a pet shop, but weirdly enough, he was really looking forward to tomorrow..
He started some coffee in the kitchen and went to the bedroom to pick up one of the paperbacks he’d bought in the bookshop around the corner to avoid getting bored silly. He sorted through them: Stephen King, Dan Brown, Bernard Cornwell…Not exactly the kind of books he usually preferred, but he was sure the people monitoring him - he knew they had to be there, he just couldn’t see them - wouldn’t have allowed him to come close to a hundred-meter radius of the university library for fear someone might recognize him. And of course, they would try to prevent him from getting ideas into his head.
He sat down for a moment, suddenly lost in thought. A memory that had stirred in the back of his mind since he’d heard Mrs. Jones call for Danny today craved attention. For a second she had sounded exactly like his mother when she’d called him down for dinner every night, trying to be patient with a stubborn eight-year-old who wouldn’t eat at all but would spend his days with his nose buried in just another fascinating book, if he could.
What if…? he thought. Surely, they would have told him if his parents were alive? If he could only listen to his mother’s voice once more! Unable to sit still any longer, Daniel got to his foot with difficulty - he still rejected thinking of that thing that was attached to his left thigh as his leg - and started rummaging through the drawers of his nightstand.
But would they? The sensible part of him kept asking while he continued his search in every corner of the apartment he could think of. You know they wouldn’t, the voice in his head continued when he opened the last drawer he hadn’t searched through yet. They can’t risk you running around and popping up at his parents’ house like an evil twin. They aren’t your real parents after all.
With this depressing thought he ended his inconclusive search for a phonebook and returned to the coffeemaker to wash down his disappointment with a decent cup of coffee. He could hardly call Information and ask for Dr. Jackson’s parents either because his phone calls would definitely be tapped by his overseers. He didn’t know how all this techno stuff worked, but tracking a call placed from a cell phone would surely be no hindrance for the military. Should have listened better to Sam last time she explained modern surveillance techniques, he mused and quickly squashed the picture of his friend his mind had begun to conjure.
Daniel went back to his bedroom, balancing a steaming cup of coffee in his right hand and supporting every second step with his left hand placed firmly against the wall. He reached his bed without incident and sat down to think. There had to be a way of getting away from the watching eyes and ears surrounding him. But as hard as he tried, no useful idea came to mind. He could hardly outrun them…Daniel snorted in disgust of his own imcompetence.
There was nothing he could do about it tonight anyway, so he took a sip of coffee and with a deep sigh reached for the tattered copy of Illuminati. He’d read every book in his possession ten times now, but everything distracting him for a few hours was always welcome. He opened the book, the half-full coffee mug secured between his thighs, and started reading. At least he got the symbols right…, was his last conscious thought before he lost himself in the far-fetched story.
Chapter 5
The next morning came faster than Daniel had expected, and soon after having finished his physiotherapy, he found himself in front of the Jones’ apartment door, waiting for someone to answer his call.
“Hey!” Danny opened the door wide and grinned up at Daniel.
“Hey, yourself!” he answered, and entered the apartment. The hallway looked the same as his except for the two doors on the left, while there was only one door in his own place. Danny nudged him into the direction of the living room and closed the door behind him.
“My mom will be back any minute, she just had to go downstairs and talk to the building super,” the boy explained.
“No problem,” Daniel answered and stepped into the light-colored room where he was greeted enthusiastically by Jon the cat who had already forgotten the fright from the previous day. Daniel bent down carefully and scratched the kitten that was nuzzling at his legs and wagging its tail behind both ears. “What are you, a cat or a dog?” he asked the cat teasingly and laid the ball he’d bought in the pet shop earlier this morning down at its paws.
When Danny’s mother returned a few minutes later, she found the three of them on the floor. The boy was on his hands and knees in search of the little toy, while Daniel was leaning against the sofa with outstretched legs, holding Jon on his lap and twiddling the kitten’s ears that seemed to enjoy this unusual sign of affection. She motioned for him to stay seated and came over to say hello.
“I see you two still get along very well,” she smiled.
“Yes, Jon really seems to like me. Must be the name.” Daniel blinked at Danny who’d returned from his fruitless search and sat down cross-legged by his side with a happy smile on his face.
“Do you need my help, mom?” Danny asked his mother, but Susan just shook her head and went to the kitchenette on the other side of the room to prepare their meal.
If it hadn’t been for the cat, Daniel would have felt very uncomfortable, sitting on the floor in the apartment of strangers he’d only known for half a day, but after a while the discreet friendliness and kindness emanating from the room and its inhabitants allowed him to relax. He listened to Susan working in the kitchen and to Jon who was purring reassuringly under his fingers. For the first time in nine dreadful months, Daniel really felt at peace.
Suddenly, he became aware that Danny was looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and sadness in his eyes. “What is it?” he asked, and an expression of guilt appeared on the boy’s face.
“Uhm, it’s nothing,” he answered and, avoiding Daniel’s gaze, reached out to fondle the cat on Daniel’s lap. But then he turned to him again, curiosity getting the better of him, and quietly asked, “What happened?”
Daniel answered with a question of his own. “What do you mean?”
The boy sighed and nodded his head at Daniel’s leg. “You know…why did they have to cut it off?”
Suddenly rigid and blushing deeply, Daniel stared at the floor; fear and anger, shock and a feeling of betrayal he couldn’t hide, coursing through him. He didn’t know what to do or how to respond to this question. No one had ever asked him before because he hadn’t allowed anyone in this timeline to get to know him well enough to notice his missing leg. But this little boy seemed to be way too smart and observant for his age. And Daniel had walked right into his trap. That’s not fair, a small voice in his mind protested, he’s just a kid.
The kitten sensed its friend’s uneasiness and nuzzled closer, but this time Daniel’s gentle hands remained still in his lap, his mind racing with unfocused thoughts he couldn’t stop.
Eventually, waking from his dream-like state, he swallowed hard, took a deep breath and faced the boy who was watching him sympathetically. “How did you know?” he asked.
Danny shrugged. “Well, my grandpa, he often had the same look as you in his eyes...” Daniel just raised his eyebrows and the boy continued as if he hadn’t noticed, “…and he moved like you do.” That earned him one wriggling eyebrow and a cocked head but not the expected eruption.
Even Daniel was surprised by his own reaction, or better lack of. Maybe it was the honest and knowing expression in the child’s eyes or just the peaceful and friendly atmosphere surrounding them - or maybe even both. But instead of biting the boy’s head off - as he’d done with any military and hospital personnel who had dared talk to him about his leg - he calmly returned Danny’s look and finally answered, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice, “It was an accident. My foot broke through a sheet of ice in the Arctic and was frostbitten.”
The boy stared at him wide-eyed and asked, “What were you doing in the Arctic? You’re not military, are you?”
Daniel sighed. “No, not exactly. I just worked with them for a while.” And then he added, almost as an afterthought, “What makes you think I could be in the military?”
Now it was Danny’s turn to blush and look away. “My dad was in the Navy and they used to go up there with their submarine and do some tests,” he mumbled.
Daniel remained silent and resumed fondling the cat to give Danny time to think, and after a while the boy looked up again, sorrow darkening his big blue eyes. “My dad died in a car accident two years ago. My grandpa was driving and he lost his leg that day. He never forgave himself...” His voice trailed off, and Daniel silently extended an arm and pulled the boy closer, trying to comfort him; but Danny’s last sentence was still lingering in his mind.
He never forgave himself. Would he ever be able to forgive himself? Jack’s pale face appeared before his inner eye; Sam and Mitchell, walking away at Elmendorf Air Force Base; big, dependable Teal’c, suddenly gone…
Each lost in their thoughts, battling demons of their own, man and boy sat together in silence. Danny’s mother, sensing that the two of them had to be left alone for a while, quietly worked on their lunch.
Suddenly, Jon decided he didn’t like the dull mood any more and prodded Daniel with his left paw, as if he wanted to say, What are you humans doing sitting around like this? Play with me! Both Daniels looked down at the kitten and smiled despite the gravity of the moment.
When Danny got up again to search for the cat’s toy once more, this time with Jon on his heels, Daniel sat back and closed his eyes for a moment. At least he now knew why the boy wasn’t scared by him and what Susan’s knowing gaze the other day had meant. He wasn’t the only one in this building who had to live with loss and pain.
Chapter 6
Daniel returned to his apartment in the evening and to his surprise felt much calmer than he ever had before in the surroundings he’d seen more as a prison than a home over the past months. He still didn’t like the bleakness and unfamiliarity of his apartment, but something he couldn’t quite name seemed to have changed that day.
The three of them had spent the rest of the afternoon in a relaxed atmosphere after enjoying Susan’s wonderful homemade lunch. Daniel had almost forgotten what real food tasted like. They had played cards for a while and laughed about Jon’s attempts to catch his new toy, running around at full speed and almost crashing into the sofa every time he tried to snatch up the ball.
Daniel took his leave when he’d felt another headache build up at the back of his skull, and Danny had walked him to his apartment door to make sure his new friend was okay. It had been a nice day, but now Daniel needed some time to himself. He wasn’t used to being around other people anymore.
What really worried Daniel at the moment was how easily Danny and his mother had seen through his grumpy disguise and had managed to include him in their home as if they’d known him for months, or even years. Obviously, his behavior hadn’t been vigorous enough to deter them. Or maybe it had just been his normal Daniel Jackson-ability to attract trouble wherever he went that had brought Danny and Susan into his life. In a weird kind of way, he was grateful for that irritating talent because he didn’t feel totally alone any longer.
For the first time in months, Daniel went into the living room to sit on the couch. After his first fearful night on the sofa he hadn’t dared come near the thing again. But today was different.
The piece of furniture reminded him of the much brighter and comfier couch in the Jones’ apartment, so he sat down and carefully settled back, hugging in his arms a big and fresh-smelling cushion his cleaning woman must have just recently laundered. He already missed Jon, his warm and comforting small body against his own. Jonathan Jones, he thought and chuckled. What a funny name for a cat.
And suddenly a suppressed memory hit him out of the blue: They’d named the cat after Jack! Jonathan “Jack” O’Neill… All happiness abruptly gone, cold dread swept through him. Of course they didn’t know, but their innocent kitten shared the same name with his best friend - his dead best friend, his friend whom he had failed and whose rigid body and breaking eyes haunted him in his dreams every night. And that image was more than he could deal with right now.
He hadn’t allowed himself to lose it on this Earth, knowing there would be no one to pull him back to his feet - foot. But at this moment, alone in this cold apartment, torn between his recent happier experiences and older painful memories, emotionally drained and unsettled from his talk with Danny today, Daniel finally broke down and cried for the very first time since waking after the surgery, cried like he’d never done before in his life, not even when Sha’re had died, because at that time his friends had been there and saved him from the abyss he’d threatened to fall into.
Daniel had never been one for shedding bitter tears, finding emotional release by spilling his guts or going berserk, but tonight despair simply overwhelmed him and he let go of his hardly maintained self control. He grabbed every cushion he could reach while sitting, threw them savagely to the floor where they landed with an unsatisfying plop, and just wished he could stomp around on them or had something to break into pieces. His hands clenched into fists, fingernails biting into soft palms without even noticing and burning tears rolled down his heated cheeks while Daniel tried not to cry out aloud, unaware of the muffled sounds escaping from his throat.
When his first helpless outburst was over, he just clung to the last remaining pillow in his arms as if it was his life preserver, rolled over and coiled up into a ball as tightly as he could with the much-hated artificial leg still attached. Eventually, he cried himself to sleep, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.
Chapter 7
When Daniel awoke the next morning, he felt as though his head would explode any moment and his hand was clasped so tightly over the hidden locator beacon in his upper arm that it hurt. Oh, Sam, I know these morons don’t have the technology to detect the devices. But I know you can - you will - build something eventually. What’s taking you so long?
He closed his eyes again to shut out the pain, physical and mental, that was raging through his body. Lyrics from a song he had listened to the morning of their departure which he must have dreamed about were still lingering in his mind, and he couldn’t shut them out:
The wrecking ball crashes down on us all
The sky falls, there are big walls
We all need a reason we can pull through
We all need someone…
The beautiful voice he remembered, singing the saddest song he could imagine, made his red-rimmed eyes brim over again.
Maybe the major had been right. He was a mental wreck, hit by the biggest wrecking ball ever heard of. Maybe he really should see a shrink who could help him pull himself together. But the memory of a white padded cell with only one exit was still too vivid in his mind. And he really didn’t want to talk about Jack. He dismissed the idea as quickly as it had appeared.
Once asked if he ever gave up, always optimistic Daniel had answered, “Not until I’m dead. And sometimes not even then.” Well, those times were definitely over. The people he yearned for were gone. There was no one left to pull through for. Sam and Mitchell were unreachable, struggling to build up their own new lives, stranded somewhere on this planet. But at least healthy and with two good legs, the little demon in his mind snarled. He knew his thoughts weren’t fair, but being a cripple wasn’t, either. Sometimes it was just easier to die than to live to face another never-ending day.
Totally lost in thought and self-pity, Daniel didn’t notice the slight rasping sound at his apartment door. But the intruder didn’t give up, and after a few moments Daniel raised his head from the pillow still compressed beneath him and looked round the room.
The noise continued, more insistently now, so he finally rose from the couch and stifled a pained moan. What exactly had he done last night? Every muscle and bone in his body protesting against the movement, he bent down, picked up the innocent looking pillows he had thrown to the floor a few hours ago, and reluctantly went to open the door - but not before carelessly dumping the cushions onto the sofa. “This better be damn important,” he mumbled to himself.
When he finally looked out into the hall, there was no one there. Temper flaring almost immediately, he reached for the doorknob to slam the door shut, but a shy Meow! by his foot stopped his hand in midair. Not believing his ears, he peered down and found Jonathan sitting right in front of his toes, staring up at his friend with a mixture of sheepishness and complacency on his face.
“Don’t…!” Daniel started but it was already too late. The kitten scurried over the threshold, dodged the legs standing in its way, and simply vanished beneath the sofa. Daniel stood and followed the cat with his eyes, mouth hanging wide open in surprise. “Oh, boy…”
This day just kept getting better and better. Daniel was still lying flat on his stomach, one arm groping around in search of the stubborn little kitten, when the doorbell rang. Great, what now?
He knew he should be touched by Jon’s affection that had led him to Daniel’s door, but the cat’s timing really couldn’t have been worse. Today was definitely not his day. On the other hand, which one in the past months had ever been? Daniel scrambled to his foot and for the second time this morning went to answer the door - only to look into the worried faces of Danny and his mother.
“Daniel! Have you seen Jon?” Danny asked, fear clearly visible in his bright blue eyes.
“Oh yeah,” he answered, and flapped his hand in the direction of the living room. “He’s hiding beneath the sofa. Maybe he thinks there are mice.”
Despite Daniel’s best effort to sound angry, a slight tone of amusement resonated in his voice. Obviously unaffected by his friend’s bad mood and without waiting for an invitation, Danny hurried past him and went to look for his adventurous cat.
Meanwhile, his mother remained by the door and looked Daniel over. “Rough night?” she quietly asked, looking up into his bloodshot eyes with a knowing expression on her face.
“Uh-huh,” he simply answered and made an ‘after you’ gesture toward the living room where only Danny’s legs could be seen. The boy lay flat on his belly, his upper body hidden by the couch, and tried to get a hold on Jon who seemed to possess the evasive abilities of his human namesake.
Daniel turned back to Susan who was still hesitating. “Please, come on in. Looks like Danny could use some help.”
She looked up at him and this time there was definitely a trace of humor, not only in his voice but also in his eyes. Thus convinced, she stepped in and went to help her son.
Daniel closed the door, leaned against it for a moment and watched his two new friends who had finally managed to elicit Jon from his hiding place and were now alternately scolding and cuddling the kitten. Jon bore the confusing treatment with cat-like stoicism and a smug expression on his face, and eventually the fondling prevailed. The peaceful sight put a small smile on Daniel’s face. Maybe there was a reason for him to pull through after all.
Chapter 8
Daniel followed Susan’s quiet suggestion and took a quick shower while she helped Danny take the kitten back to their own apartment. When Daniel returned to the living room, his hair still wet from the shower. His head felt a little clearer, and the hot water had eased most of the stiffness in his body. He hadn’t dared to shave for fear his hands might tremble too much, but at least he felt cleaned and had been able to shake off the demons of the night.
Because Daniel’s stock of food was pretty much non-existent, Danny and Susan returned a few minutes later with a loaf of fresh bread, butter, and hot chocolate for Danny. The adults would drink the coffee Daniel was preparing. He found some jelly in the fridge, and Susan added the swiss cheese Daniel had last tasted on his Earth - which seemed to have been one lifetime ago. They sat down and for the first time in months, Daniel really enjoyed having breakfast, despite the cheese - or maybe because of it.
Daniel felt immensely grateful for the Jones’s unobtrusive way of showing him that they cared. No well-meant advice like “But Mr. Ballard, you have to…” or “Daniel, you really should…” He’d heard enough of those in the beginning of his ordeal in the hospital.
All Daniel longed for was peace, and that was exactly what those two friendly people at his table were offering to him. He would never be able to tell them everything, in order not to endanger them, but maybe he could allow himself to be more human in their presence. He didn’t have to hide his feelings here, didn’t have to conceal his true agenda, or hide behind a mask of stoicism - or rage. Danny and his mother accepted him the way he was, without any hidden thoughts. They didn’t know all of his fears and demons, but they knew enough to understand. And maybe he could help them work some things out in return.
The adults didn’t talk much during breakfast, but Danny, who was momentarily trying to convince them go to the pet shop and buy some other paraphernalia for Jon later today, talked all the more. Danny reminded Daniel a lot of himself at his age: eyes darting everywhere, hardly time to eat because his mouth never stopped moving - and, of course, fidgeting in his chair because there always seemed to be much more important things than food waiting to be discovered.
Susan reproved Danny various times, but the boy didn’t seem to notice, and Daniel just smiled at his young friend’s restlessness. It didn't occur to Daniel that he had been as curious as this lively child until just recently.
The moment they were finished, Danny darted from his chair and made a beeline for the tiny version of the Pyramids of Giza at the sideboard he’d been eyeing for the past few minutes. It was the only decorative object Daniel had allowed himself to buy at a flee market he’d visited a few weeks ago. Compared to Daniel’s previous priceless antiquities, it was merely a worthless piece of junk - but for him it represented home and reminded him of the only family he’d known in his adult life.
Suddenly shy, Danny stopped in front of the model. “Why the pyramids?” he asked.
Daniel rose from his chair and went over to join the boy who looked at the miniature without touching it. Sighing inwardly, Daniel tried to find an answer that wouldn’t be a lie and wouldn’t hurt the boy’s feelings. After a few seconds, he settled for a half-truth. “I lived in Egypt a long time ago. These pyramids remind me of what I once called home.” The sad tone in his voice betrayed his controlled features.
Danny continued to study the model for a while and finally asked, indicating the room they were standing in, “So, this is not your home?”
Daniel calmly met Danny’s gaze. “No… no, it’s not.”
The boy stared at him. “But where is your home?”
Daniel carefully regarded the question and when he answered, it was the whole truth. “I don’t know.” He placed a reassuring hand on Danny’s shoulder. “But one day, I’ll find out.” I have to, he promised himself silently.
Chapter 9
Three months after his first visit with the Jones, Daniel sat down on his bed and picked up the book he’d bought this morning after saying goodbye to Danny at the gate of the boy’s school - as he’d done every morning over the past few months. They usually used their walk through the bustling streets of the city to talk about things Danny didn’t want his mom to worry about - the kid was really way too smart for his age. - Or Daniel told Danny stories about his life on Abydos, most of the time replacing the strange names and places with Egyptian ones to disguise their true origin. Not for fear the boy might recognize any of them, but just in case anyone else was listening.
Daniel returned his attention to the book in his hands, and the catchy title caught his eye: The Truth about the Pyramids, by Dr. Daniel Jackson. The photograph on the back still shocked him a little because it was him - and somehow not. Bracing himself, he took a closer look: The man in the picture stared at him through the biggest horn-rimmed glasses Daniel had ever seen. His hair looked as if it hadn’t seen a haircut or comb in ages, and the huge blue eyes had something obsessive and frightening in them. The old-fashioned shirt that could be seen at the bottom of the photo wasn’t even worth mentioning.
In short, the Dr. Jackson of this timeline really did look like a whackjob. But he was still him. No, not me, Daniel reminded himself, maybe some kind of evil twin, another crazy version of me. Just thinking about the implications made Daniel dizzy, so he turned the first page and began reading instead:
“Most people believe that the great pyramids of Egypt have been built as tombs and ceremonial places for ancient Egyptian pharaohs and rulers such as Cheops (Khufu) or Amenehnet I (Amenehmat) whose famous pyramids have been braving the elements for thousands of years now. But what if the huge buildings had a totally different meaning and were not just built about five thousand, but maybe ten or fifteen thousand years ago for a purpose unimaginable for humankind until today?”
The unusual ideas springing from the pages were so very similar to Daniel’s own, the style, the use of words, everything seemed so familiar that it hurt. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the oh-so-true thoughts his other self had developed. He read until the letters started to blur before his eyes and an increasing headache told him he’d forgotten to eat - again. Daniel didn’t really care, he hadn’t really been hungry since he’d been dumped into this timeline, the only meals he enjoyed the ones he shared with Danny and his mother, but when he’d left Elmendorf after five months of rehab, his doctor had threatened him to re-impose hospitalization if he didn’t eat properly; so he reluctantly used the dust jacket as a bookmark, put the tome aside, and rubbed his burning eyes beneath his glasses.
He slowly went to the fridge in the kitchenette, took out the frikadellers he’d bought in the Danish grocery store earlier today, and put them into the microwave. Not exactly the food the doctor had had in mind for him, but at least he was eating something. The stove still looked as new as the day he’d hobbled into his apartment for the first time, only the coffeemaker and sink seemed to be used regularly. Used coffee mugs on the dish rack bore witness to still too many sleepless nights.
Daniel slumped onto the chair in the corner and wolfed down the meager supper. Then he put away the plate, not bothering with any other kind of nourishment. He carefully made his way back to the bedroom which had turned into the center of his life this past year (the living room was still just too big and empty) and picked up his book again. He only stopped reading to go to the bathroom and to take off his prosthesis afterwards because his leg was hurting again. This is incredible, he thought while reading, curiosity and amazement replacing misery for a while.
When he finally put the book aside, it was 4 p.m. He hadn’t even noticed the hours going by. He stared into space for a few minutes, then made a quick decision, grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand and started dialing a number in Cairo, Egypt.
“Hello! Dr. Jackson? ... Sorry, I’m calling so late…” And then he started telling himself to have more faith in his work and his beliefs. Until… “Hello! Hello?…”
Damn! Why did the other version of him have to be as stubborn and suspicious as he was? He closed his cell, dropped it onto the blanket, and picked up the book instead. Staring at the picture of the other Daniel didn’t help, so he put it down again and buried his head in his hands with an angry and frustrated sigh.
After a while, he lifted his head and took a deep breath to calm himself. Unwelcome thoughts and memories of happier times in Egypt and on Abydos tried to breach the barrier he had built between his present and his past in his mind, and he tried to push them back. He knew the past would come back to haunt him at night - it always did - but he had no strength left to cope with those memories right now.
He looked around his simple bedroom, dimly lit by the bedside lamp, a deep frown darkening his features and showing wrinkles that hadn’t been in his face twelve months ago. Just what was worth living for if you had no real friends you could trust (or worse, friends you obviously weren’t allowed to ever meet again, they had just been granted one phone call every week) on the same planet, no family, no job, neither past nor future and, on top of that, even you wouldn’t listen to you? He knew he shouldn’t have expected much, but he couldn’t shake off the anger and desperation the phone call had caused.
Daniel reached over, switched off the light and hugged himself tightly, trying to get some sleep he knew wouldn’t come. He awoke two hours later because his cell started to ring. To his surprise, he found that he must have fallen asleep. He fetched it off the nightstand and answered the call, voice still husky from sleep.
“Hello?… Sam!… This is so great. I was just thinking about you guys. I thought by now they’d at least allow us to see each other, but every time I… No, I don’t have a TV. Why?!”
Danny woke in the middle of the night, startled by loud explosions and bright lights outside his window. He snuck out of his bed and carefully made his way through the dimly lit corridor, trying not to wake up his mom who seemed to be oblivious to the tumult outside.
When he quietly opened the apartment door to check on Daniel and see if the turmoil was forcing his friend into nightmares again, he found the miniature of the Pyramids of Giza sitting on the doormat. Eyes wide with shock and a foreboding feeling churning his stomach, he picked up the model, fighting back tears already threatening his vision. Then he saw the note attached to the top of Cheops’s pyramid, and a sad smile flickered across his face.
The note simply read: Danny, I’m going home. Give your mom and Jon a hug from me. And thanks for everything. Daniel.
The boy turned around to carry his treasure inside and whispered, “Good luck, Daniel Jackson.”
The End
Lyrics borrowed from Bruce Guthro’s beautiful and incredibly sad song Someone.
Dialogue between Daniel and Sam and Daniel’s side of his conversation with “himself” taken from the movie “Stargate: Continuum.”
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A Life Lost
Chapter 1
Daniel Jackson stopped in front of the apartment door: No. 1001 - tenth floor, first door on the left, next to the elevator. So it wouldn't take the cripple long to reach his apartment after entering the building. That unwelcome idea, unintentionally provoked by the people who had meticulously planned his new life for him, stirred the anger Daniel thought he’d buried just minutes ago when he’d stepped out of the cab in front of the building. He pushed the notion aside and looked around.
The gray corridor with apartment doors on both sides and only one small window at the far end was dimly lit; black-and-white photographs of the city decorated the walls. Luckily, none of his new neighbors were in sight. If they had been, he would have ignored them anyway, as he did everybody these days.
Truth be told, he seemed to have lost the once sensitive and caring part of his being the moment he was forced to say goodbye to the remaining members of his team at Elmendorf Air Force Base. This was not his world, his Earth; he didn’t belong here. All he wanted to do was go home with his friends. And that was the one thing he couldn’t do.
With a sigh, he eyed the door of his new ”home” suspiciously. Daniel really didn’t want to go inside, but what choice did he have? He could hardly stand in the middle of the hall all day. Besides, the pain in his left leg was increasing rapidly, and he knew he needed to sit down very soon.
Finally, he leaned his right-hand crutch against the wall, turned the key and pushed the door wide open so that he would be able to enter, using the crutches he already hated so much. He took a deep breath, adjusted the strap of the green duffle bag that cut into his shoulder, gripped the handles of his crutches tighter than before - if that was even possible - and hobbled over the threshold.
Darkness welcomed him. How appropriate, he thought.
Daniel’s custodian had told him about his apartment on the plane, but of course, he hadn’t listened to anything the man had said while they flew further and further away from Sam and Mitchell and their former life together.
He buried that thought again and took another step, ignoring the nausea and vertigo which threatened to overwhelm him any moment now.
Daniel stood in a narrow hallway, one door on either side and an archway that had to lead to the living room in front of him. Someone had drawn the curtains over the windows on the opposite wall, but he could make out the shape of a sofa with a lot of cushions leaning against the back and a stool sitting in front.
He slammed the door behind him with his elbow, dropped the bag where he stood, and carefully made his way through the gloom, ignoring the sudden sharp pain in his arm that had made contact with the wooden door. At least it made him feel alive - in a scary kind of way.
Daniel headed straight to the sofa, slumped on the nearest, end and settled back, crutches clattering unnoticed to the floor. Exhaustion and despair finally took their toll, and he sank into oblivion.
“No!”
Daniel woke with a start, eyes wide and unfocused in the unfamiliar darkness surrounding him. Biting cold from his dream still clung to his rigid body. He couldn’t feel his leg! Daniel reached down with his left hand, found nothing but air and the pillows he was resting on - and realization hit him. It hadn’t been a dream!
He clenched his teeth to muffle the pained groan that escaped his throat and sank back, closing his eyes again to shut out reality. This time sleep wouldn’t come that easily. And when it eventually did, his dead and lost friends’ faces appeared before his inner eye, followed by more nightmares filled with cold and darkness and stabbing pain.
Chapter 2
After that first disastrous night, days and weeks came and went without Daniel really noticing. Weeks turned into months, but the archaeologist who had once been so full of life, always eager to learn and upbeat in every thought and action, had lost all interest in the world surrounding him.
His military contact called on a regular basis and asked if he was okay, and he became used to lying to him. At least the Major had stopped coming by every other week to see if his stubborn charge was managing after Daniel threw him out of his apartment on a very bad Monday. His watchdog had dared make a comment about his unsound lifestyle and even suggested that maybe he should see a psychiatrist to get a grip on his life. Daniel’s only reply had been a sarcastic “Ya think?!” Jack O’Neill would have been proud of, and then he’d simply slammed the door in the man’s astounded face. He knew the Major was just doing his job, but the anger simmering inside of him helped him to stay sane.
He got up every morning, tired from too many sleepless nights, did his exercises, went to physiotherapy as ordered and for little walks in the afternoons to get some extra practice with his artificial limb. Daniel often sat on a bench in front of his apartment building and watched the people around him who seemed to live their happy lives.
He had always been good at surviving, he’d seen loneliness and dark times before, but this isolation in the middle of this Earth was worse than he could ever have imagined. And he couldn’t even run away from it because he couldn’t run at all. He was just a useless cripple, spending his days doing nothing - and he hated himself for becoming this stranger.
Chapter 3
It was another beautiful and sunny morning, but Daniel didnt notice the chirping birds in the tree above his head or the warmth of the sun on his face. He sat on his usual bench on the street and stared into space. His thoughts drifted back to that fateful day nine months ago, like they’d done so many times since he’d woken up in that damned hospital bed with Sam and Mitchell by his side - and half of his left leg missing.
The bitter memories had brought with them the familiar feelings of mourning and guilt when he suddenly heard a female voice call his name.
“Daniel! Danny, where are you?”
Before realizing that she could hardly have meant him, he turned around to see a young woman hurrying towards him. Daniel knew he’d met her in the hallway once or twice in the past few months, but he didn’t know her name.
“Have you seen my son?” she asked breathlessly, stopping in front of Daniel. “I just turned around to get the mail - and suddenly he was gone!” Panic was resonant in her voice, her eyes wide with worry.
An unhelpful “Uhm…” was all Daniel could get out before a yell from behind them made him turn his head once more.
“Mom, look what I’ve found!”
A young boy about the age of ten came running around the corner, clutching something in his arms. He skittered to a halt in front of Daniel’s bench and loosened his grip a little.
“Oh, Danny,” the boy’s mother sighed, taking a look at his discovery. “Where did you find it?”
Pointed black and furry ears appeared at Danny’s elbow while green and very intelligent eyes turned in the direction of Daniel who was still gaping at the two - no, three, he corrected himself - intruders who’d startled him out of his thoughts.
The kitten blinked at him and closed its eyes again, snuggling back into Danny’s arms. Somehow, Daniel felt jealous of the cat’s innocent trustfulness. He had been as trusting as this tiny cuddly ball a long time ago…
When he returned his attention to the people still standing next to him, mother and son had gotten into a heated argument over the kitten’s future.
“We can’t keep it, Danny, I’m sorry,” the mother tried to explain to her son whose face began to screw up.
“But Mom…please! He’s got no home.”
The little boy was close to tears now. Daniel decided it was time to join in and carefully rose, using the backrest for support and trying not to put too much weight onto his injured leg.
“Hi, I’m Daniel J...Ballard,” he introduced himself and tried a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. How many times had he said almost the same words over the past eleven years? He sighed inwardly when the mother turned around and smiled at him apologetically.
“Oh, Mr. Ballard, I’m so sorry! Hi, I’m Susan Jones.” They shook hands. “And this is my son Daniel… Danny.” Mrs. Jones pointed at the apartment house behind them. “We live at the other end on the tenth floor, that’s how I knew you.”
Daniel and Danny locked eyes, unsmiling blue ones into curious smaller blue ones until a smile flickered over the younger Daniel’s face.
“That’s a nice name you got,” he joked, and Daniel had to smile, too, despite his earlier cheerless mood.
“Thanks, you too. May I see your cat?” And with that he lowered himself onto the bench again because he feared his legs wouldn’t hold his weight much longer.
“Sure.”
The boy sat down next to him and carefully hoisted the kitten onto Daniel’s lap. The tiny cat sniffed around for a while and eventually coiled up into a small black ball with its eyes closed. Only the twitching nose and ears indicated that the cat was still awake.
Daniel had never had a pet other than fish - which didn’t really count as pets in his opinion. He wasn’t even sure he liked cats, but this little kitten seemed to appeal to his caring side which he’d believed long lost. The warm body on his thighs was a comforting presence.
The boy watched him scratch the cat’s ears for a while and finally stated, “He likes you.”
Daniel looked up in surprise. “Yeah? How can you tell?”
Young Danny didn’t hesitate to answer. “He’s snoring.”
And really, the kitten was fast asleep on Daniel’s lap, a peaceful expression on its tiny face that was half buried under its tail.
Danny’s mother chuckled and sat down on Daniel’s other side. “Sorry that I ran up to you like that, I was worried sick,” she tried to apologize for her earlier behavior.
Daniel was still looking at the sleeping cat that wrinkled its nose and sneezed, and he answered absent-mindedly, “Oh, that’s okay. I was just thinking about…something and hadn’t paid much attention.”
His voice trailed off, and he continued studying the fur ball on his lap with the same scrutiny he would usually have reserved for interesting artifacts or unknown obscure dialects on unexplored planets.
Mother and son sensed that he didn’t really want to talk right now, so the three of them sat together in amicable silence and watched the napping kitten that seemed to be untroubled by their presence. After a while, it opened its eyes again, yawned, and tried to stand up on Daniel’s left thigh.
“Ow!”
Daniel’s sudden outburst startled the animal so that it jumped from the bench and hid under the nearest bush. It hadn’t really been a stabbing pain, just an unexpected discomfort, so Daniel took a deep breath and tried to calm down, ignoring the worried glances coming his way from either side.
When he could speak again, he tried to soothe the kitten that watched them with anxious eyes. “I’m sorry, little one, it wasn’t your fault.” But the cat didn’t move. Angry with himself, Daniel turned to Mrs. Jones. “I better get some rest. Will you take care of him?”
She just smiled. “Of course, we will. My Danny is as stubborn as his dad. He’ll never give up until we take him home with us. I’m sure Danny has already chosen a name for him.”
The boy only smiled his most innocent smile and jumped up, turning toward Daniel. “May I come visit you again?” he asked.
Bright blue eyes, so similar to Daniel’s, were looking down at him hopefully.
“Danny!” the boy’s mother started; but Daniel cut her off with an apologetic shrug.
“Sure you can. I’ll be back this afternoon.”
Danny’s face lit up in a wide grin. “Great! See you later then.” And with a happy wave, he danced off into the direction of the swings and other fascinating playground equipment he’d just discovered in the backyard.
His mother watched him climb a carousel with a sad smile on her lips and finally turned back to Daniel. “Are you sure, Mr. Ballard?”
“Daniel,” he interrupted.
“Daniel,” she confirmed with a nod. “He can be a little difficult at times.”
Daniel shifted uncomfortably under her knowing gaze when he grabbed his walking stick to stand up, but quietly answered, “Yeah, I’m sure.”
And to his surprise, he meant it.
Chapter 4
When Daniel entered his apartment that night, a smile was still tugging at his lips. He’d spent the afternoon with Danny on the playground and watched the boy try every swing and jungle gym available. There had been an awkward moment when Danny had asked Daniel to join him on the whirligig, but Daniel had just waved back at the boy and explained, “My bad leg’s bothering me today.”
He wasn’t ready to tell him the whole truth yet or rather admit it to himself. Because that’s what talking about it would mean. Luckily, his new friends hadn’t pressed the matter.
Danny and Susan invited him over for lunch for the next day, so he could see the cat’s new home. Danny had named his new pet Jon, short for Jonathan.
Daniel wasn’t really sure why, but he had accepted the invitation after Danny’s reassurance that there would only be the three - well, four - of them. Daniel had even promised to bring a toy for the kitten. That meant he would have to take another route home from physiotherapy in the morning and search for a pet shop, but weirdly enough, he was really looking forward to tomorrow..
He started some coffee in the kitchen and went to the bedroom to pick up one of the paperbacks he’d bought in the bookshop around the corner to avoid getting bored silly. He sorted through them: Stephen King, Dan Brown, Bernard Cornwell…Not exactly the kind of books he usually preferred, but he was sure the people monitoring him - he knew they had to be there, he just couldn’t see them - wouldn’t have allowed him to come close to a hundred-meter radius of the university library for fear someone might recognize him. And of course, they would try to prevent him from getting ideas into his head.
He sat down for a moment, suddenly lost in thought. A memory that had stirred in the back of his mind since he’d heard Mrs. Jones call for Danny today craved attention. For a second she had sounded exactly like his mother when she’d called him down for dinner every night, trying to be patient with a stubborn eight-year-old who wouldn’t eat at all but would spend his days with his nose buried in just another fascinating book, if he could.
What if…? he thought. Surely, they would have told him if his parents were alive? If he could only listen to his mother’s voice once more! Unable to sit still any longer, Daniel got to his foot with difficulty - he still rejected thinking of that thing that was attached to his left thigh as his leg - and started rummaging through the drawers of his nightstand.
But would they? The sensible part of him kept asking while he continued his search in every corner of the apartment he could think of. You know they wouldn’t, the voice in his head continued when he opened the last drawer he hadn’t searched through yet. They can’t risk you running around and popping up at his parents’ house like an evil twin. They aren’t your real parents after all.
With this depressing thought he ended his inconclusive search for a phonebook and returned to the coffeemaker to wash down his disappointment with a decent cup of coffee. He could hardly call Information and ask for Dr. Jackson’s parents either because his phone calls would definitely be tapped by his overseers. He didn’t know how all this techno stuff worked, but tracking a call placed from a cell phone would surely be no hindrance for the military. Should have listened better to Sam last time she explained modern surveillance techniques, he mused and quickly squashed the picture of his friend his mind had begun to conjure.
Daniel went back to his bedroom, balancing a steaming cup of coffee in his right hand and supporting every second step with his left hand placed firmly against the wall. He reached his bed without incident and sat down to think. There had to be a way of getting away from the watching eyes and ears surrounding him. But as hard as he tried, no useful idea came to mind. He could hardly outrun them…Daniel snorted in disgust of his own imcompetence.
There was nothing he could do about it tonight anyway, so he took a sip of coffee and with a deep sigh reached for the tattered copy of Illuminati. He’d read every book in his possession ten times now, but everything distracting him for a few hours was always welcome. He opened the book, the half-full coffee mug secured between his thighs, and started reading. At least he got the symbols right…, was his last conscious thought before he lost himself in the far-fetched story.
Chapter 5
The next morning came faster than Daniel had expected, and soon after having finished his physiotherapy, he found himself in front of the Jones’ apartment door, waiting for someone to answer his call.
“Hey!” Danny opened the door wide and grinned up at Daniel.
“Hey, yourself!” he answered, and entered the apartment. The hallway looked the same as his except for the two doors on the left, while there was only one door in his own place. Danny nudged him into the direction of the living room and closed the door behind him.
“My mom will be back any minute, she just had to go downstairs and talk to the building super,” the boy explained.
“No problem,” Daniel answered and stepped into the light-colored room where he was greeted enthusiastically by Jon the cat who had already forgotten the fright from the previous day. Daniel bent down carefully and scratched the kitten that was nuzzling at his legs and wagging its tail behind both ears. “What are you, a cat or a dog?” he asked the cat teasingly and laid the ball he’d bought in the pet shop earlier this morning down at its paws.
When Danny’s mother returned a few minutes later, she found the three of them on the floor. The boy was on his hands and knees in search of the little toy, while Daniel was leaning against the sofa with outstretched legs, holding Jon on his lap and twiddling the kitten’s ears that seemed to enjoy this unusual sign of affection. She motioned for him to stay seated and came over to say hello.
“I see you two still get along very well,” she smiled.
“Yes, Jon really seems to like me. Must be the name.” Daniel blinked at Danny who’d returned from his fruitless search and sat down cross-legged by his side with a happy smile on his face.
“Do you need my help, mom?” Danny asked his mother, but Susan just shook her head and went to the kitchenette on the other side of the room to prepare their meal.
If it hadn’t been for the cat, Daniel would have felt very uncomfortable, sitting on the floor in the apartment of strangers he’d only known for half a day, but after a while the discreet friendliness and kindness emanating from the room and its inhabitants allowed him to relax. He listened to Susan working in the kitchen and to Jon who was purring reassuringly under his fingers. For the first time in nine dreadful months, Daniel really felt at peace.
Suddenly, he became aware that Danny was looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and sadness in his eyes. “What is it?” he asked, and an expression of guilt appeared on the boy’s face.
“Uhm, it’s nothing,” he answered and, avoiding Daniel’s gaze, reached out to fondle the cat on Daniel’s lap. But then he turned to him again, curiosity getting the better of him, and quietly asked, “What happened?”
Daniel answered with a question of his own. “What do you mean?”
The boy sighed and nodded his head at Daniel’s leg. “You know…why did they have to cut it off?”
Suddenly rigid and blushing deeply, Daniel stared at the floor; fear and anger, shock and a feeling of betrayal he couldn’t hide, coursing through him. He didn’t know what to do or how to respond to this question. No one had ever asked him before because he hadn’t allowed anyone in this timeline to get to know him well enough to notice his missing leg. But this little boy seemed to be way too smart and observant for his age. And Daniel had walked right into his trap. That’s not fair, a small voice in his mind protested, he’s just a kid.
The kitten sensed its friend’s uneasiness and nuzzled closer, but this time Daniel’s gentle hands remained still in his lap, his mind racing with unfocused thoughts he couldn’t stop.
Eventually, waking from his dream-like state, he swallowed hard, took a deep breath and faced the boy who was watching him sympathetically. “How did you know?” he asked.
Danny shrugged. “Well, my grandpa, he often had the same look as you in his eyes...” Daniel just raised his eyebrows and the boy continued as if he hadn’t noticed, “…and he moved like you do.” That earned him one wriggling eyebrow and a cocked head but not the expected eruption.
Even Daniel was surprised by his own reaction, or better lack of. Maybe it was the honest and knowing expression in the child’s eyes or just the peaceful and friendly atmosphere surrounding them - or maybe even both. But instead of biting the boy’s head off - as he’d done with any military and hospital personnel who had dared talk to him about his leg - he calmly returned Danny’s look and finally answered, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice, “It was an accident. My foot broke through a sheet of ice in the Arctic and was frostbitten.”
The boy stared at him wide-eyed and asked, “What were you doing in the Arctic? You’re not military, are you?”
Daniel sighed. “No, not exactly. I just worked with them for a while.” And then he added, almost as an afterthought, “What makes you think I could be in the military?”
Now it was Danny’s turn to blush and look away. “My dad was in the Navy and they used to go up there with their submarine and do some tests,” he mumbled.
Daniel remained silent and resumed fondling the cat to give Danny time to think, and after a while the boy looked up again, sorrow darkening his big blue eyes. “My dad died in a car accident two years ago. My grandpa was driving and he lost his leg that day. He never forgave himself...” His voice trailed off, and Daniel silently extended an arm and pulled the boy closer, trying to comfort him; but Danny’s last sentence was still lingering in his mind.
He never forgave himself. Would he ever be able to forgive himself? Jack’s pale face appeared before his inner eye; Sam and Mitchell, walking away at Elmendorf Air Force Base; big, dependable Teal’c, suddenly gone…
Each lost in their thoughts, battling demons of their own, man and boy sat together in silence. Danny’s mother, sensing that the two of them had to be left alone for a while, quietly worked on their lunch.
Suddenly, Jon decided he didn’t like the dull mood any more and prodded Daniel with his left paw, as if he wanted to say, What are you humans doing sitting around like this? Play with me! Both Daniels looked down at the kitten and smiled despite the gravity of the moment.
When Danny got up again to search for the cat’s toy once more, this time with Jon on his heels, Daniel sat back and closed his eyes for a moment. At least he now knew why the boy wasn’t scared by him and what Susan’s knowing gaze the other day had meant. He wasn’t the only one in this building who had to live with loss and pain.
Chapter 6
Daniel returned to his apartment in the evening and to his surprise felt much calmer than he ever had before in the surroundings he’d seen more as a prison than a home over the past months. He still didn’t like the bleakness and unfamiliarity of his apartment, but something he couldn’t quite name seemed to have changed that day.
The three of them had spent the rest of the afternoon in a relaxed atmosphere after enjoying Susan’s wonderful homemade lunch. Daniel had almost forgotten what real food tasted like. They had played cards for a while and laughed about Jon’s attempts to catch his new toy, running around at full speed and almost crashing into the sofa every time he tried to snatch up the ball.
Daniel took his leave when he’d felt another headache build up at the back of his skull, and Danny had walked him to his apartment door to make sure his new friend was okay. It had been a nice day, but now Daniel needed some time to himself. He wasn’t used to being around other people anymore.
What really worried Daniel at the moment was how easily Danny and his mother had seen through his grumpy disguise and had managed to include him in their home as if they’d known him for months, or even years. Obviously, his behavior hadn’t been vigorous enough to deter them. Or maybe it had just been his normal Daniel Jackson-ability to attract trouble wherever he went that had brought Danny and Susan into his life. In a weird kind of way, he was grateful for that irritating talent because he didn’t feel totally alone any longer.
For the first time in months, Daniel went into the living room to sit on the couch. After his first fearful night on the sofa he hadn’t dared come near the thing again. But today was different.
The piece of furniture reminded him of the much brighter and comfier couch in the Jones’ apartment, so he sat down and carefully settled back, hugging in his arms a big and fresh-smelling cushion his cleaning woman must have just recently laundered. He already missed Jon, his warm and comforting small body against his own. Jonathan Jones, he thought and chuckled. What a funny name for a cat.
And suddenly a suppressed memory hit him out of the blue: They’d named the cat after Jack! Jonathan “Jack” O’Neill… All happiness abruptly gone, cold dread swept through him. Of course they didn’t know, but their innocent kitten shared the same name with his best friend - his dead best friend, his friend whom he had failed and whose rigid body and breaking eyes haunted him in his dreams every night. And that image was more than he could deal with right now.
He hadn’t allowed himself to lose it on this Earth, knowing there would be no one to pull him back to his feet - foot. But at this moment, alone in this cold apartment, torn between his recent happier experiences and older painful memories, emotionally drained and unsettled from his talk with Danny today, Daniel finally broke down and cried for the very first time since waking after the surgery, cried like he’d never done before in his life, not even when Sha’re had died, because at that time his friends had been there and saved him from the abyss he’d threatened to fall into.
Daniel had never been one for shedding bitter tears, finding emotional release by spilling his guts or going berserk, but tonight despair simply overwhelmed him and he let go of his hardly maintained self control. He grabbed every cushion he could reach while sitting, threw them savagely to the floor where they landed with an unsatisfying plop, and just wished he could stomp around on them or had something to break into pieces. His hands clenched into fists, fingernails biting into soft palms without even noticing and burning tears rolled down his heated cheeks while Daniel tried not to cry out aloud, unaware of the muffled sounds escaping from his throat.
When his first helpless outburst was over, he just clung to the last remaining pillow in his arms as if it was his life preserver, rolled over and coiled up into a ball as tightly as he could with the much-hated artificial leg still attached. Eventually, he cried himself to sleep, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.
Chapter 7
When Daniel awoke the next morning, he felt as though his head would explode any moment and his hand was clasped so tightly over the hidden locator beacon in his upper arm that it hurt. Oh, Sam, I know these morons don’t have the technology to detect the devices. But I know you can - you will - build something eventually. What’s taking you so long?
He closed his eyes again to shut out the pain, physical and mental, that was raging through his body. Lyrics from a song he had listened to the morning of their departure which he must have dreamed about were still lingering in his mind, and he couldn’t shut them out:
The wrecking ball crashes down on us all
The sky falls, there are big walls
We all need a reason we can pull through
We all need someone…
The beautiful voice he remembered, singing the saddest song he could imagine, made his red-rimmed eyes brim over again.
Maybe the major had been right. He was a mental wreck, hit by the biggest wrecking ball ever heard of. Maybe he really should see a shrink who could help him pull himself together. But the memory of a white padded cell with only one exit was still too vivid in his mind. And he really didn’t want to talk about Jack. He dismissed the idea as quickly as it had appeared.
Once asked if he ever gave up, always optimistic Daniel had answered, “Not until I’m dead. And sometimes not even then.” Well, those times were definitely over. The people he yearned for were gone. There was no one left to pull through for. Sam and Mitchell were unreachable, struggling to build up their own new lives, stranded somewhere on this planet. But at least healthy and with two good legs, the little demon in his mind snarled. He knew his thoughts weren’t fair, but being a cripple wasn’t, either. Sometimes it was just easier to die than to live to face another never-ending day.
Totally lost in thought and self-pity, Daniel didn’t notice the slight rasping sound at his apartment door. But the intruder didn’t give up, and after a few moments Daniel raised his head from the pillow still compressed beneath him and looked round the room.
The noise continued, more insistently now, so he finally rose from the couch and stifled a pained moan. What exactly had he done last night? Every muscle and bone in his body protesting against the movement, he bent down, picked up the innocent looking pillows he had thrown to the floor a few hours ago, and reluctantly went to open the door - but not before carelessly dumping the cushions onto the sofa. “This better be damn important,” he mumbled to himself.
When he finally looked out into the hall, there was no one there. Temper flaring almost immediately, he reached for the doorknob to slam the door shut, but a shy Meow! by his foot stopped his hand in midair. Not believing his ears, he peered down and found Jonathan sitting right in front of his toes, staring up at his friend with a mixture of sheepishness and complacency on his face.
“Don’t…!” Daniel started but it was already too late. The kitten scurried over the threshold, dodged the legs standing in its way, and simply vanished beneath the sofa. Daniel stood and followed the cat with his eyes, mouth hanging wide open in surprise. “Oh, boy…”
This day just kept getting better and better. Daniel was still lying flat on his stomach, one arm groping around in search of the stubborn little kitten, when the doorbell rang. Great, what now?
He knew he should be touched by Jon’s affection that had led him to Daniel’s door, but the cat’s timing really couldn’t have been worse. Today was definitely not his day. On the other hand, which one in the past months had ever been? Daniel scrambled to his foot and for the second time this morning went to answer the door - only to look into the worried faces of Danny and his mother.
“Daniel! Have you seen Jon?” Danny asked, fear clearly visible in his bright blue eyes.
“Oh yeah,” he answered, and flapped his hand in the direction of the living room. “He’s hiding beneath the sofa. Maybe he thinks there are mice.”
Despite Daniel’s best effort to sound angry, a slight tone of amusement resonated in his voice. Obviously unaffected by his friend’s bad mood and without waiting for an invitation, Danny hurried past him and went to look for his adventurous cat.
Meanwhile, his mother remained by the door and looked Daniel over. “Rough night?” she quietly asked, looking up into his bloodshot eyes with a knowing expression on her face.
“Uh-huh,” he simply answered and made an ‘after you’ gesture toward the living room where only Danny’s legs could be seen. The boy lay flat on his belly, his upper body hidden by the couch, and tried to get a hold on Jon who seemed to possess the evasive abilities of his human namesake.
Daniel turned back to Susan who was still hesitating. “Please, come on in. Looks like Danny could use some help.”
She looked up at him and this time there was definitely a trace of humor, not only in his voice but also in his eyes. Thus convinced, she stepped in and went to help her son.
Daniel closed the door, leaned against it for a moment and watched his two new friends who had finally managed to elicit Jon from his hiding place and were now alternately scolding and cuddling the kitten. Jon bore the confusing treatment with cat-like stoicism and a smug expression on his face, and eventually the fondling prevailed. The peaceful sight put a small smile on Daniel’s face. Maybe there was a reason for him to pull through after all.
Chapter 8
Daniel followed Susan’s quiet suggestion and took a quick shower while she helped Danny take the kitten back to their own apartment. When Daniel returned to the living room, his hair still wet from the shower. His head felt a little clearer, and the hot water had eased most of the stiffness in his body. He hadn’t dared to shave for fear his hands might tremble too much, but at least he felt cleaned and had been able to shake off the demons of the night.
Because Daniel’s stock of food was pretty much non-existent, Danny and Susan returned a few minutes later with a loaf of fresh bread, butter, and hot chocolate for Danny. The adults would drink the coffee Daniel was preparing. He found some jelly in the fridge, and Susan added the swiss cheese Daniel had last tasted on his Earth - which seemed to have been one lifetime ago. They sat down and for the first time in months, Daniel really enjoyed having breakfast, despite the cheese - or maybe because of it.
Daniel felt immensely grateful for the Jones’s unobtrusive way of showing him that they cared. No well-meant advice like “But Mr. Ballard, you have to…” or “Daniel, you really should…” He’d heard enough of those in the beginning of his ordeal in the hospital.
All Daniel longed for was peace, and that was exactly what those two friendly people at his table were offering to him. He would never be able to tell them everything, in order not to endanger them, but maybe he could allow himself to be more human in their presence. He didn’t have to hide his feelings here, didn’t have to conceal his true agenda, or hide behind a mask of stoicism - or rage. Danny and his mother accepted him the way he was, without any hidden thoughts. They didn’t know all of his fears and demons, but they knew enough to understand. And maybe he could help them work some things out in return.
The adults didn’t talk much during breakfast, but Danny, who was momentarily trying to convince them go to the pet shop and buy some other paraphernalia for Jon later today, talked all the more. Danny reminded Daniel a lot of himself at his age: eyes darting everywhere, hardly time to eat because his mouth never stopped moving - and, of course, fidgeting in his chair because there always seemed to be much more important things than food waiting to be discovered.
Susan reproved Danny various times, but the boy didn’t seem to notice, and Daniel just smiled at his young friend’s restlessness. It didn't occur to Daniel that he had been as curious as this lively child until just recently.
The moment they were finished, Danny darted from his chair and made a beeline for the tiny version of the Pyramids of Giza at the sideboard he’d been eyeing for the past few minutes. It was the only decorative object Daniel had allowed himself to buy at a flee market he’d visited a few weeks ago. Compared to Daniel’s previous priceless antiquities, it was merely a worthless piece of junk - but for him it represented home and reminded him of the only family he’d known in his adult life.
Suddenly shy, Danny stopped in front of the model. “Why the pyramids?” he asked.
Daniel rose from his chair and went over to join the boy who looked at the miniature without touching it. Sighing inwardly, Daniel tried to find an answer that wouldn’t be a lie and wouldn’t hurt the boy’s feelings. After a few seconds, he settled for a half-truth. “I lived in Egypt a long time ago. These pyramids remind me of what I once called home.” The sad tone in his voice betrayed his controlled features.
Danny continued to study the model for a while and finally asked, indicating the room they were standing in, “So, this is not your home?”
Daniel calmly met Danny’s gaze. “No… no, it’s not.”
The boy stared at him. “But where is your home?”
Daniel carefully regarded the question and when he answered, it was the whole truth. “I don’t know.” He placed a reassuring hand on Danny’s shoulder. “But one day, I’ll find out.” I have to, he promised himself silently.
Chapter 9
Three months after his first visit with the Jones, Daniel sat down on his bed and picked up the book he’d bought this morning after saying goodbye to Danny at the gate of the boy’s school - as he’d done every morning over the past few months. They usually used their walk through the bustling streets of the city to talk about things Danny didn’t want his mom to worry about - the kid was really way too smart for his age. - Or Daniel told Danny stories about his life on Abydos, most of the time replacing the strange names and places with Egyptian ones to disguise their true origin. Not for fear the boy might recognize any of them, but just in case anyone else was listening.
Daniel returned his attention to the book in his hands, and the catchy title caught his eye: The Truth about the Pyramids, by Dr. Daniel Jackson. The photograph on the back still shocked him a little because it was him - and somehow not. Bracing himself, he took a closer look: The man in the picture stared at him through the biggest horn-rimmed glasses Daniel had ever seen. His hair looked as if it hadn’t seen a haircut or comb in ages, and the huge blue eyes had something obsessive and frightening in them. The old-fashioned shirt that could be seen at the bottom of the photo wasn’t even worth mentioning.
In short, the Dr. Jackson of this timeline really did look like a whackjob. But he was still him. No, not me, Daniel reminded himself, maybe some kind of evil twin, another crazy version of me. Just thinking about the implications made Daniel dizzy, so he turned the first page and began reading instead:
“Most people believe that the great pyramids of Egypt have been built as tombs and ceremonial places for ancient Egyptian pharaohs and rulers such as Cheops (Khufu) or Amenehnet I (Amenehmat) whose famous pyramids have been braving the elements for thousands of years now. But what if the huge buildings had a totally different meaning and were not just built about five thousand, but maybe ten or fifteen thousand years ago for a purpose unimaginable for humankind until today?”
The unusual ideas springing from the pages were so very similar to Daniel’s own, the style, the use of words, everything seemed so familiar that it hurt. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the oh-so-true thoughts his other self had developed. He read until the letters started to blur before his eyes and an increasing headache told him he’d forgotten to eat - again. Daniel didn’t really care, he hadn’t really been hungry since he’d been dumped into this timeline, the only meals he enjoyed the ones he shared with Danny and his mother, but when he’d left Elmendorf after five months of rehab, his doctor had threatened him to re-impose hospitalization if he didn’t eat properly; so he reluctantly used the dust jacket as a bookmark, put the tome aside, and rubbed his burning eyes beneath his glasses.
He slowly went to the fridge in the kitchenette, took out the frikadellers he’d bought in the Danish grocery store earlier today, and put them into the microwave. Not exactly the food the doctor had had in mind for him, but at least he was eating something. The stove still looked as new as the day he’d hobbled into his apartment for the first time, only the coffeemaker and sink seemed to be used regularly. Used coffee mugs on the dish rack bore witness to still too many sleepless nights.
Daniel slumped onto the chair in the corner and wolfed down the meager supper. Then he put away the plate, not bothering with any other kind of nourishment. He carefully made his way back to the bedroom which had turned into the center of his life this past year (the living room was still just too big and empty) and picked up his book again. He only stopped reading to go to the bathroom and to take off his prosthesis afterwards because his leg was hurting again. This is incredible, he thought while reading, curiosity and amazement replacing misery for a while.
When he finally put the book aside, it was 4 p.m. He hadn’t even noticed the hours going by. He stared into space for a few minutes, then made a quick decision, grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand and started dialing a number in Cairo, Egypt.
“Hello! Dr. Jackson? ... Sorry, I’m calling so late…” And then he started telling himself to have more faith in his work and his beliefs. Until… “Hello! Hello?…”
Damn! Why did the other version of him have to be as stubborn and suspicious as he was? He closed his cell, dropped it onto the blanket, and picked up the book instead. Staring at the picture of the other Daniel didn’t help, so he put it down again and buried his head in his hands with an angry and frustrated sigh.
After a while, he lifted his head and took a deep breath to calm himself. Unwelcome thoughts and memories of happier times in Egypt and on Abydos tried to breach the barrier he had built between his present and his past in his mind, and he tried to push them back. He knew the past would come back to haunt him at night - it always did - but he had no strength left to cope with those memories right now.
He looked around his simple bedroom, dimly lit by the bedside lamp, a deep frown darkening his features and showing wrinkles that hadn’t been in his face twelve months ago. Just what was worth living for if you had no real friends you could trust (or worse, friends you obviously weren’t allowed to ever meet again, they had just been granted one phone call every week) on the same planet, no family, no job, neither past nor future and, on top of that, even you wouldn’t listen to you? He knew he shouldn’t have expected much, but he couldn’t shake off the anger and desperation the phone call had caused.
Daniel reached over, switched off the light and hugged himself tightly, trying to get some sleep he knew wouldn’t come. He awoke two hours later because his cell started to ring. To his surprise, he found that he must have fallen asleep. He fetched it off the nightstand and answered the call, voice still husky from sleep.
“Hello?… Sam!… This is so great. I was just thinking about you guys. I thought by now they’d at least allow us to see each other, but every time I… No, I don’t have a TV. Why?!”
Danny woke in the middle of the night, startled by loud explosions and bright lights outside his window. He snuck out of his bed and carefully made his way through the dimly lit corridor, trying not to wake up his mom who seemed to be oblivious to the tumult outside.
When he quietly opened the apartment door to check on Daniel and see if the turmoil was forcing his friend into nightmares again, he found the miniature of the Pyramids of Giza sitting on the doormat. Eyes wide with shock and a foreboding feeling churning his stomach, he picked up the model, fighting back tears already threatening his vision. Then he saw the note attached to the top of Cheops’s pyramid, and a sad smile flickered across his face.
The note simply read: Danny, I’m going home. Give your mom and Jon a hug from me. And thanks for everything. Daniel.
The boy turned around to carry his treasure inside and whispered, “Good luck, Daniel Jackson.”
The End
Lyrics borrowed from Bruce Guthro’s beautiful and incredibly sad song Someone.
Dialogue between Daniel and Sam and Daniel’s side of his conversation with “himself” taken from the movie “Stargate: Continuum.”