The Delicious Self-Indulgence of My Insanity
Please, I beg of you, do not read this post. It is long and boring and whiny and emo and pure self-indulgence.
The Looker emailed me back within a reasonable amount of time yesterday (a couple of hours). He usually does a sign off, which I think is funny. I never do a sign off in email. Most of the time I don't even put my name at the end but since he always does a sign off and his name I generally sign my name at the end.
Anyway, usually his sign off is "Talk to you soon" or "See you later," or some sort of thing that is about having continued contact.
His sign off yesterday was "Hope your week goes well," which I read as "Hope your week goes well [without me in it]," and no mention of finding out my schedule for the week or getting together.
I am, of course, ridiculously over-reading and I know this, but I still feel all whiny and emo.
I am very stressed about the whole The Sex thing and the fact that I really need to tell him he needs to be my boyfriend before it can occur. I know Della would say that if he is going to be inside my vajayjay I should be comfortable saying anything and everything to him and if I am not it is a sign that he should not be all up in there. A statement with which I agree in principle, but am not so good about in real life. First there is the thing where I am a human being who has a sex drive that would like once in a while to be satisfied. Then there's the thing where I am terrified to ask a guy for anything because he will just leave and find someone who isn't so demanding. The shitty thing is that the latter is only partly inside my head. In the DC dating market, it is very easy for a man (especially one of the Looker's credentials) to do just that. Now, from what I can tell about him it is not his style to date a lot, and if pressed I would guess (based on little evidence so possibly merely wish fulfillment) that he is a serial monogamist but, again, he could easily find someone else to be serially monogamous with.
Last night I was kind of thinking that maybe I should just preemptively give up on him because it is stressing me out too much. And then I thought, "Well, that would be it, then. If I can't handle trying to build a relationship with a person who is essentially, as far as I know, the man of my dreams then clearly I am completely crazy and incapable of love and this thing that I think I want, that I spend so much of my time and energy pursuing, is impossible for me." And then what would I do? Go back to pursuing the unavailable, the mentally unstable, the socially inept because at least they are crazier than me, and their impediments to an actual relationship higher so that I can la-la-la ignore my own wall in front of my face and feel superior and frustrated and put upon?
Let me calm myself with some quantifications and list making.
Things He Does Now That I Like:
-Frequent, almost daily, emails
-Plans dates in advance
-Real dinner dates, where he usually pays (the latter not being a deal breaker, but very nice)
-Accommodates my schedule and geography
-Kissing and making out, etc.
Things I Would Like More Of:
-Affectionate Greeting and Farewell
-Assurance that he likes me and remains interested. He gives mild compliments on my appearance--e.g., the "one piece dress" comment and saying "You've done good" re: my gym body--but I'd like more along the lines of smart/funny/interesting/charming personality stuff that actually matters in whether you want to date someone. I give him these compliments because I just can't help myself.
-Spooning. He doesn't do a full spoon, just a sort of one. I don't want it all night, just for 15 minutes or so. There are other kinds of cuddling going on but I really like spooning.
Things I would Like From Him as a Boyfriend, in descending order of importance (but ideally I would like all of them):
-Notice if I won't see him again, i.e., a promise that he will break up with me rather than disappearing and confidence that unless I hear otherwise, I will see him again
-Weekend time. Not all weekend, but some time most weekends
-Occasional phone calls (2 times per week would be lovely)
-See each other more than once a week some/most weeks (depending on schedules)
I need to psych myself up for asking for these things. If I ever see him again and have not been "Have a good week"ed into oblivion.
Ugh, why do I feel so negative? Why can't I just enjoy this part and feel calm and confident about the future?
I know at this point I'm supposed to be deciding whether I want him instead of worrying about what he's thinking. But the answer is an unequivocal yes and I can't pretend to myself that it's otherwise, that I have more to think about and weigh and consider. I like him. The end. So the only question remaining is whether he wants me and so I am in the position of anxious supplicant and I haven't the faintest idea how to get un-anxious.
The Looker emailed me back within a reasonable amount of time yesterday (a couple of hours). He usually does a sign off, which I think is funny. I never do a sign off in email. Most of the time I don't even put my name at the end but since he always does a sign off and his name I generally sign my name at the end.
Anyway, usually his sign off is "Talk to you soon" or "See you later," or some sort of thing that is about having continued contact.
His sign off yesterday was "Hope your week goes well," which I read as "Hope your week goes well [without me in it]," and no mention of finding out my schedule for the week or getting together.
I am, of course, ridiculously over-reading and I know this, but I still feel all whiny and emo.
I am very stressed about the whole The Sex thing and the fact that I really need to tell him he needs to be my boyfriend before it can occur. I know Della would say that if he is going to be inside my vajayjay I should be comfortable saying anything and everything to him and if I am not it is a sign that he should not be all up in there. A statement with which I agree in principle, but am not so good about in real life. First there is the thing where I am a human being who has a sex drive that would like once in a while to be satisfied. Then there's the thing where I am terrified to ask a guy for anything because he will just leave and find someone who isn't so demanding. The shitty thing is that the latter is only partly inside my head. In the DC dating market, it is very easy for a man (especially one of the Looker's credentials) to do just that. Now, from what I can tell about him it is not his style to date a lot, and if pressed I would guess (based on little evidence so possibly merely wish fulfillment) that he is a serial monogamist but, again, he could easily find someone else to be serially monogamous with.
Last night I was kind of thinking that maybe I should just preemptively give up on him because it is stressing me out too much. And then I thought, "Well, that would be it, then. If I can't handle trying to build a relationship with a person who is essentially, as far as I know, the man of my dreams then clearly I am completely crazy and incapable of love and this thing that I think I want, that I spend so much of my time and energy pursuing, is impossible for me." And then what would I do? Go back to pursuing the unavailable, the mentally unstable, the socially inept because at least they are crazier than me, and their impediments to an actual relationship higher so that I can la-la-la ignore my own wall in front of my face and feel superior and frustrated and put upon?
Let me calm myself with some quantifications and list making.
Things He Does Now That I Like:
-Frequent, almost daily, emails
-Plans dates in advance
-Real dinner dates, where he usually pays (the latter not being a deal breaker, but very nice)
-Accommodates my schedule and geography
-Kissing and making out, etc.
Things I Would Like More Of:
-Affectionate Greeting and Farewell
-Assurance that he likes me and remains interested. He gives mild compliments on my appearance--e.g., the "one piece dress" comment and saying "You've done good" re: my gym body--but I'd like more along the lines of smart/funny/interesting/charming personality stuff that actually matters in whether you want to date someone. I give him these compliments because I just can't help myself.
-Spooning. He doesn't do a full spoon, just a sort of one. I don't want it all night, just for 15 minutes or so. There are other kinds of cuddling going on but I really like spooning.
Things I would Like From Him as a Boyfriend, in descending order of importance (but ideally I would like all of them):
-Notice if I won't see him again, i.e., a promise that he will break up with me rather than disappearing and confidence that unless I hear otherwise, I will see him again
-Weekend time. Not all weekend, but some time most weekends
-Occasional phone calls (2 times per week would be lovely)
-See each other more than once a week some/most weeks (depending on schedules)
I need to psych myself up for asking for these things. If I ever see him again and have not been "Have a good week"ed into oblivion.
Ugh, why do I feel so negative? Why can't I just enjoy this part and feel calm and confident about the future?
I know at this point I'm supposed to be deciding whether I want him instead of worrying about what he's thinking. But the answer is an unequivocal yes and I can't pretend to myself that it's otherwise, that I have more to think about and weigh and consider. I like him. The end. So the only question remaining is whether he wants me and so I am in the position of anxious supplicant and I haven't the faintest idea how to get un-anxious.