Fic: What We Have Forgotten (No Precious Time Series, 17/28)
Title: What We Have Forgotten (No Precious Time Series, 17/28)
Author: The Time Being/SGAtlantisLight
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Genre: Smutty angst, H/C
Rating: NC-17 overall, though some chapters are lower
Author's Notes: Part of the No Precious Time Series. Beta and encouragement from a lot of people, but especially lapislaz, mice1900, and inkscribe.
Warnings can be found here for those who can't read without them. These contain plot spoilers so do not read unless you can't live without knowing.
Disclaimer: I own them all! But, alas, not in this universe.
Previous chapter
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa
The rest of the visit was pretty uncomfortable. Carson told him a little bit about the cure he was working on. John supposed he was trying to encourage him. Fortunately, Biro came and ran Rodney and Carson out pretty quickly.
Stackhouse poked his head in a minute later. He didn't mention anything that had happened on the firing range, but merely said he was checking in to make sure John was okay. John avoided his eyes as he answered. The sergeant spent only a moment after that, shifting uncomfortably, before excusing himself.
Elizabeth visited next, wearing her concerned-and-compassionate face and told him sincerely that if he ever needed to talk, her door was always open. He wanted to ask her how she felt about needing to fuck, but he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
John drifted off to sleep after that, exhausted. He woke to Veza and Ri. They seemed concerned about the seizure, but didn't seem to know about The Other Thing as John was already labelling it. He was a little relieved they didn't know, after yelling at Ri for his suicide attempt. The seizure had interrupted his usual cycle, but the pain was coming back quickly. Veza and Ri didn't need prompting, though, and soon he was drifting asleep again with the pain diminished once more.
He blinked awake to the grey-green eyes of Kate Heightmeyer on him. "Hello, John," she said, smiling in a way he was sure was supposed to be gentle and compassionate, but which only made him want to scream and hit something.
"You've been watching me sleep?"
"Not for very long," she answered. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been run through a Cuisinart. How about you?"
"I'm not here to discuss me."
"Of course not. You never want to talk about you."
"I could say the same for you."
John shrugged.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pill bottle. "This was in your room. Oddly enough, though you were given these three weeks ago, there are only four pills missing. You told me you were taking them."
John looked away, shrugging again. "I didn't need them."
"I think anti-depressants are indicated given you put a loaded weapon to your head."
"The clip was empty."
"But the chamber wasn't. And you had to have a pretty good idea it wasn't."
"So you're here to tell me 'I told you so'?"
"John," she said in that chiding voice he hated, "you need to take better care of yourself."
"I need for people to get the fuck off my back."
"John!"
"Don't. Spare me your pity and your advice. I'm sure all of Atlantis is just lining up to drop by and tell me to take better care of myself. I've already heard it from Rodney and Carson and Elizabeth. I get it, okay? So just get the fuck out of my room."
"I'm not done."
"Oh, yes, you are. Get out!"
"John, you need to talk out your problems."
"Yes, because that did so well for Lein and Prio, didn't it? And Ri, too. We can't forget him. The only way you could do better with us all is to just go ahead and slit our wrists for us."
She flinched back, stung, and John was secretly glad to see the pain in her eyes. She was silent for a moment, trying to guilt him into apologising or explaining or talking, but he just glared at her. Finally, she sighed. "Okay. We'll pick this up later when you're feeling better."
He laughed. "Right. I'll let you know when I'm miraculously 'feeling better.'"
She stood and walked out, back unusually straight and stiff. He sat up and punched his pillow viciously and then flopped back, shifting restlessly. There was a footfall in the doorway.
"Come back to lecture me more?" he asked.
"What?" Ronon asked.
John looked up, realising his mistake. "Sorry. Heightmeyer." He waved vaguely.
Ronon nodded. "You missed sparring."
"Yeah. Sorry."
Ronon grunted. "I brought pudding. You want?"
John closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, wondering how much guilt Ronon was going to try and pour on him. "Yeah, sure."
Ronon handed John a pudding cup and spoon and settled into one of the chairs by John's bed. His eyes didn't look accusing or pitying or sympathetic or worried or, well, anything but the usual Ronon-hanging-out look.
"Thanks," John said, feeling the tension slowly draining from his body.
Ronon pulled out a handheld electronic game and held it up. "Doctor Kusanagi gave this to me. I don't understand it."
"Sudoku? Didn't she explain it to you?" John asked around a spoonful of pudding.
Ronon nodded. "I don't understand why she finds it enjoyable."
"Oh. Well, it's just a logic puzzle. It's a challenge, you know?"
Ronon looked puzzled and a little amused.
"Give it here. I'll try to explain."
***
Near the end of Teyla's visit, John was moving restlessly, his eyes shining with pain. She hesitated a moment, before making the offer. "John, I am willing to help you, if you desire it." She hoped the offer would not be taken amiss.
She had been on the Mainland all day and had not returned until the evening, when she had been told that her friend and former team leader had apparently had a seizure while locked in the firing range. The story had seemed somewhat garbled, so she had sought out Elizabeth before visiting John.
Elizabeth had looked worried as she had told Teyla that John had indeed had a seizure. She had started to say something more, but had changed her mind, merely saying that she was sure John could use his teammates' friendship now more than ever. Teyla had considered her words and the sense of their incompleteness. "Is there something more you cannot tell me?" she had asked.
Elizabeth had hesitated and then nodded. "Yes."
"And this thing that you cannot say, it is serious and worrisome?"
Elizabeth had nodded. "John just needs everyone's support right now. That's all I can say."
Teyla had sat for a while, pondering Elizabeth's words, putting together 'locked in the firing range alone' with the hole in the story. She thought she knew why John was so in need of friendship and support, but she could not be certain and she did not wish to make poor assumptions.
The gentleness of the staff with John and the awkwardness of Colonel Lorne as he had bid John goodbye when she had arrived made her even more certain.
But Teyla knew John Sheppard, knew he did not bear sympathy or pity well. She had decided to treat the incident exactly as described-- a seizure.
Now, she schooled her features as he tensed at the offer, wondering if it would be seen as somehow pitying. But then he sighed and slumped into the bed.
"I don't know, Teyla," he said. "It's probably better if I don't take you up on that. I've screwed up too many friendships lately. Not that I'm not interested. Really."
She smiled and nodded. "I understand. I believe I should leave now. You undoubtedly wish to be alone."
Relief and regret flashed through his eyes. "Yeah. I'm, uh, really tired."
She stood and left, encountering Rodney and Carson in the corridor outside the infirmary.
"How was your trip, luv?" Carson asked after they had exchanged greetings.
"It was most refreshing. I merely regret that I return to find John in such a bad state."
"Yes. It's worrisome. We were just going to visit him for a wee bit."
She considered. "You might wish to delay your visit for a time," she warned. "He was... very restless and wished to be alone for a while."
"Oh, well, maybe we can help."
"Rodney. I think she means that kind of restless."
Rodney's face turned crimson. "Oh. Ah. Yes. Well, then..."
"Excuse me," a quiet voice interrupted.
They stepped back and let Veza pass through.
Teyla watched them watching the woman walk to John's room, wondering what they would think if they could see their own faces. She reached a decision. "I would like to discuss something with both of you. In private."
***
They ended up in Rodney and Carson's apartment, steaming mugs of tea in hand. A small plate of sweet and buttery biscuits-- "Or cookies for our American members," Carson had said-- sat on the low table between them. "Now what was it you wished to discuss?" Carson asked, looking expectant and a little worried.
Teyla carefully considered her words. "Even after much time spent with your people, I do not entirely understand the reasons for much of what you do, especially in regards to relationships." The two men exchanged confused and wary glances. She spoke before they had a chance to misinterpret. "I merely say this because I do not wish to offend you and I am unsure of what might be considered so."
Rodney snorted. "You're worried about offending me, Mister Bad-with-People?"
Teyla smiled and nodded. "You are my friend, Rodney. As is Carson."
Rodney blushed and she noted the look of bewildered surprise in his eyes that she so often saw when people confessed to considering him a friend or to liking him. It always saddened her a little to see it.
"Go on," Carson said, reaching out and taking Rodney's hand.
"Very well. Among my people it sometimes happens that one member of a couple is severely injured or falls ill, or is drained by the wraith but not killed. This can leave the able-bodied partner in need of simple help as well as for companionship and sexual fulfillment. If these needs remain unmet, their love for their partner may turn to bitterness and that bitterness can give rise to much shame and guilt."
Carson nodded. "Illness and injury can lead to those problems among our people as well."
Carson was merely listening, not leaping ahead as so many men did, but she could see Rodney already trying to figure out her purpose in telling them this. She continued before he could interrupt. "It also sometimes happens that in the course of a marriage, one member of the couple will discover sexual preferences they did not know they had-- I use 'sexual preference' in a broader sense than your people appear to use it. Sometimes those needs are things the partner cannot or will not fulfill. If it is a small thing, there is little difficulty, but sometimes it is a significant problem and the cause of much unhappiness."
Rodney twirled a hand in a hurrying motion. "Yes, yes, sometimes couples discover they have needs the partner can't or won't meet and it causes problems. Got it."
Carson shot Rodney a warning glance and squeezed his hand slightly, but didn't say anything.
Teyla merely smiled and inclined her head. "I have learned from many conversations that among your people the only appropriate response to these situations is either for the unfulfilled partner to live with unmet needs or for the couple to separate and seek new relationships that better fit their needs, though in the case of one partner being ill or injured, it would be regarded as a very selfish act for the able-bodied one to leave and seek other companionship."
"Aye, it would."
Teyla hesitated a moment, then finally continued. "This is part of my struggle to understand your people. While it is true as a general rule that monogamy is an equitable arrangement, I do not understand why your people would insist upon it in cases where it not working." The two men blinked at her. Teyla hurried on. "Among my people, when such a situation arises, the couple would seek out a third person-- someone they both care for, enjoy spending time with, trust to help in their household, and would welcome into their marriage bed. In some cases, when the couple has not done so, but where those who were entrusted with safekeeping their family see that it is needed, they will go and speak to the couple and suggest such an arrangement, with names if they know of someone they believe would work well. Your people do not appear to have those who stand as keepers of a marriage-- or perhaps it is because you two have not officially married-- so I have taken the position upon myself. Forgive me if I have overstepped my bounds."
Rodney gaped at her.
"You're here to tell us you think we should take on another lover," Carson said, more startled statement than question.
She nodded. "Yes, I am. And I have a suggestion for who this person should be, as well."
"Why?!" Rodney finally managed. "We're neither one sick. Well, I mean, Carson is, sort of, but he's quite capable of, erm, fulfilling all my needs."
"While it is true that this situation is different than any my people have faced, I believe the advice of any safekeeper would be the same-- find a third partner. I have seen that you are both unhappy. Carson, you are in pain much of the time, delaying seeking sexual gratification till it is almost unbearable. You have also physically withdrawn from others, including Rodney. Rodney, you are exhausted and I have seen the look in your eyes when Carson has sought you out-- you are almost desperate for his touch and yet it repels you because you know what will follow and you are tired, are you not?"
Rodney looked away, blushing and ashamed. Carson sighed and squeezed Rodney's hand. "We're both aware that the virus is putting a strain on the relationship. We're working on it."
"Yes," she agreed. "I have no doubt that you would remain together despite the difficulties for quite some time, but I also have no doubt that the strain would eventually damage your relationship. Furthermore, there is someone you both care for and enjoy spending time with. Someone I believe you are both attracted to. And someone who needs you even more desperately than you need him."
"John?!" Rodney squeaked.
She nodded.
"Oh, no no no no! I don't see how saddling me with two virus carriers makes things any easier for me. God! I'd never get any sleep."
"I think she's suggesting that John and I could deal with much of the sex between ourselves."
"But then you'd have to go again much sooner."
"It would still give you more of a break than you had before," Carson pointed out.
Teyla rose, stopping their discussion momentarily. "I will leave you two to discuss this. However, I feel you need to remember that John's situation is much worse and I believe his condition is declining every day. Perhaps my people's solution is not correct for you, but John needs help. If you cannot do it then, as his friends, we need to find some way-- someone-- to help him."
Next chapter
Author: The Time Being/SGAtlantisLight
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Genre: Smutty angst, H/C
Rating: NC-17 overall, though some chapters are lower
Author's Notes: Part of the No Precious Time Series. Beta and encouragement from a lot of people, but especially lapislaz, mice1900, and inkscribe.
Warnings can be found here for those who can't read without them. These contain plot spoilers so do not read unless you can't live without knowing.
Disclaimer: I own them all! But, alas, not in this universe.
Previous chapter
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa
The rest of the visit was pretty uncomfortable. Carson told him a little bit about the cure he was working on. John supposed he was trying to encourage him. Fortunately, Biro came and ran Rodney and Carson out pretty quickly.
Stackhouse poked his head in a minute later. He didn't mention anything that had happened on the firing range, but merely said he was checking in to make sure John was okay. John avoided his eyes as he answered. The sergeant spent only a moment after that, shifting uncomfortably, before excusing himself.
Elizabeth visited next, wearing her concerned-and-compassionate face and told him sincerely that if he ever needed to talk, her door was always open. He wanted to ask her how she felt about needing to fuck, but he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
John drifted off to sleep after that, exhausted. He woke to Veza and Ri. They seemed concerned about the seizure, but didn't seem to know about The Other Thing as John was already labelling it. He was a little relieved they didn't know, after yelling at Ri for his suicide attempt. The seizure had interrupted his usual cycle, but the pain was coming back quickly. Veza and Ri didn't need prompting, though, and soon he was drifting asleep again with the pain diminished once more.
He blinked awake to the grey-green eyes of Kate Heightmeyer on him. "Hello, John," she said, smiling in a way he was sure was supposed to be gentle and compassionate, but which only made him want to scream and hit something.
"You've been watching me sleep?"
"Not for very long," she answered. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been run through a Cuisinart. How about you?"
"I'm not here to discuss me."
"Of course not. You never want to talk about you."
"I could say the same for you."
John shrugged.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pill bottle. "This was in your room. Oddly enough, though you were given these three weeks ago, there are only four pills missing. You told me you were taking them."
John looked away, shrugging again. "I didn't need them."
"I think anti-depressants are indicated given you put a loaded weapon to your head."
"The clip was empty."
"But the chamber wasn't. And you had to have a pretty good idea it wasn't."
"So you're here to tell me 'I told you so'?"
"John," she said in that chiding voice he hated, "you need to take better care of yourself."
"I need for people to get the fuck off my back."
"John!"
"Don't. Spare me your pity and your advice. I'm sure all of Atlantis is just lining up to drop by and tell me to take better care of myself. I've already heard it from Rodney and Carson and Elizabeth. I get it, okay? So just get the fuck out of my room."
"I'm not done."
"Oh, yes, you are. Get out!"
"John, you need to talk out your problems."
"Yes, because that did so well for Lein and Prio, didn't it? And Ri, too. We can't forget him. The only way you could do better with us all is to just go ahead and slit our wrists for us."
She flinched back, stung, and John was secretly glad to see the pain in her eyes. She was silent for a moment, trying to guilt him into apologising or explaining or talking, but he just glared at her. Finally, she sighed. "Okay. We'll pick this up later when you're feeling better."
He laughed. "Right. I'll let you know when I'm miraculously 'feeling better.'"
She stood and walked out, back unusually straight and stiff. He sat up and punched his pillow viciously and then flopped back, shifting restlessly. There was a footfall in the doorway.
"Come back to lecture me more?" he asked.
"What?" Ronon asked.
John looked up, realising his mistake. "Sorry. Heightmeyer." He waved vaguely.
Ronon nodded. "You missed sparring."
"Yeah. Sorry."
Ronon grunted. "I brought pudding. You want?"
John closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, wondering how much guilt Ronon was going to try and pour on him. "Yeah, sure."
Ronon handed John a pudding cup and spoon and settled into one of the chairs by John's bed. His eyes didn't look accusing or pitying or sympathetic or worried or, well, anything but the usual Ronon-hanging-out look.
"Thanks," John said, feeling the tension slowly draining from his body.
Ronon pulled out a handheld electronic game and held it up. "Doctor Kusanagi gave this to me. I don't understand it."
"Sudoku? Didn't she explain it to you?" John asked around a spoonful of pudding.
Ronon nodded. "I don't understand why she finds it enjoyable."
"Oh. Well, it's just a logic puzzle. It's a challenge, you know?"
Ronon looked puzzled and a little amused.
"Give it here. I'll try to explain."
***
Near the end of Teyla's visit, John was moving restlessly, his eyes shining with pain. She hesitated a moment, before making the offer. "John, I am willing to help you, if you desire it." She hoped the offer would not be taken amiss.
She had been on the Mainland all day and had not returned until the evening, when she had been told that her friend and former team leader had apparently had a seizure while locked in the firing range. The story had seemed somewhat garbled, so she had sought out Elizabeth before visiting John.
Elizabeth had looked worried as she had told Teyla that John had indeed had a seizure. She had started to say something more, but had changed her mind, merely saying that she was sure John could use his teammates' friendship now more than ever. Teyla had considered her words and the sense of their incompleteness. "Is there something more you cannot tell me?" she had asked.
Elizabeth had hesitated and then nodded. "Yes."
"And this thing that you cannot say, it is serious and worrisome?"
Elizabeth had nodded. "John just needs everyone's support right now. That's all I can say."
Teyla had sat for a while, pondering Elizabeth's words, putting together 'locked in the firing range alone' with the hole in the story. She thought she knew why John was so in need of friendship and support, but she could not be certain and she did not wish to make poor assumptions.
The gentleness of the staff with John and the awkwardness of Colonel Lorne as he had bid John goodbye when she had arrived made her even more certain.
But Teyla knew John Sheppard, knew he did not bear sympathy or pity well. She had decided to treat the incident exactly as described-- a seizure.
Now, she schooled her features as he tensed at the offer, wondering if it would be seen as somehow pitying. But then he sighed and slumped into the bed.
"I don't know, Teyla," he said. "It's probably better if I don't take you up on that. I've screwed up too many friendships lately. Not that I'm not interested. Really."
She smiled and nodded. "I understand. I believe I should leave now. You undoubtedly wish to be alone."
Relief and regret flashed through his eyes. "Yeah. I'm, uh, really tired."
She stood and left, encountering Rodney and Carson in the corridor outside the infirmary.
"How was your trip, luv?" Carson asked after they had exchanged greetings.
"It was most refreshing. I merely regret that I return to find John in such a bad state."
"Yes. It's worrisome. We were just going to visit him for a wee bit."
She considered. "You might wish to delay your visit for a time," she warned. "He was... very restless and wished to be alone for a while."
"Oh, well, maybe we can help."
"Rodney. I think she means that kind of restless."
Rodney's face turned crimson. "Oh. Ah. Yes. Well, then..."
"Excuse me," a quiet voice interrupted.
They stepped back and let Veza pass through.
Teyla watched them watching the woman walk to John's room, wondering what they would think if they could see their own faces. She reached a decision. "I would like to discuss something with both of you. In private."
***
They ended up in Rodney and Carson's apartment, steaming mugs of tea in hand. A small plate of sweet and buttery biscuits-- "Or cookies for our American members," Carson had said-- sat on the low table between them. "Now what was it you wished to discuss?" Carson asked, looking expectant and a little worried.
Teyla carefully considered her words. "Even after much time spent with your people, I do not entirely understand the reasons for much of what you do, especially in regards to relationships." The two men exchanged confused and wary glances. She spoke before they had a chance to misinterpret. "I merely say this because I do not wish to offend you and I am unsure of what might be considered so."
Rodney snorted. "You're worried about offending me, Mister Bad-with-People?"
Teyla smiled and nodded. "You are my friend, Rodney. As is Carson."
Rodney blushed and she noted the look of bewildered surprise in his eyes that she so often saw when people confessed to considering him a friend or to liking him. It always saddened her a little to see it.
"Go on," Carson said, reaching out and taking Rodney's hand.
"Very well. Among my people it sometimes happens that one member of a couple is severely injured or falls ill, or is drained by the wraith but not killed. This can leave the able-bodied partner in need of simple help as well as for companionship and sexual fulfillment. If these needs remain unmet, their love for their partner may turn to bitterness and that bitterness can give rise to much shame and guilt."
Carson nodded. "Illness and injury can lead to those problems among our people as well."
Carson was merely listening, not leaping ahead as so many men did, but she could see Rodney already trying to figure out her purpose in telling them this. She continued before he could interrupt. "It also sometimes happens that in the course of a marriage, one member of the couple will discover sexual preferences they did not know they had-- I use 'sexual preference' in a broader sense than your people appear to use it. Sometimes those needs are things the partner cannot or will not fulfill. If it is a small thing, there is little difficulty, but sometimes it is a significant problem and the cause of much unhappiness."
Rodney twirled a hand in a hurrying motion. "Yes, yes, sometimes couples discover they have needs the partner can't or won't meet and it causes problems. Got it."
Carson shot Rodney a warning glance and squeezed his hand slightly, but didn't say anything.
Teyla merely smiled and inclined her head. "I have learned from many conversations that among your people the only appropriate response to these situations is either for the unfulfilled partner to live with unmet needs or for the couple to separate and seek new relationships that better fit their needs, though in the case of one partner being ill or injured, it would be regarded as a very selfish act for the able-bodied one to leave and seek other companionship."
"Aye, it would."
Teyla hesitated a moment, then finally continued. "This is part of my struggle to understand your people. While it is true as a general rule that monogamy is an equitable arrangement, I do not understand why your people would insist upon it in cases where it not working." The two men blinked at her. Teyla hurried on. "Among my people, when such a situation arises, the couple would seek out a third person-- someone they both care for, enjoy spending time with, trust to help in their household, and would welcome into their marriage bed. In some cases, when the couple has not done so, but where those who were entrusted with safekeeping their family see that it is needed, they will go and speak to the couple and suggest such an arrangement, with names if they know of someone they believe would work well. Your people do not appear to have those who stand as keepers of a marriage-- or perhaps it is because you two have not officially married-- so I have taken the position upon myself. Forgive me if I have overstepped my bounds."
Rodney gaped at her.
"You're here to tell us you think we should take on another lover," Carson said, more startled statement than question.
She nodded. "Yes, I am. And I have a suggestion for who this person should be, as well."
"Why?!" Rodney finally managed. "We're neither one sick. Well, I mean, Carson is, sort of, but he's quite capable of, erm, fulfilling all my needs."
"While it is true that this situation is different than any my people have faced, I believe the advice of any safekeeper would be the same-- find a third partner. I have seen that you are both unhappy. Carson, you are in pain much of the time, delaying seeking sexual gratification till it is almost unbearable. You have also physically withdrawn from others, including Rodney. Rodney, you are exhausted and I have seen the look in your eyes when Carson has sought you out-- you are almost desperate for his touch and yet it repels you because you know what will follow and you are tired, are you not?"
Rodney looked away, blushing and ashamed. Carson sighed and squeezed Rodney's hand. "We're both aware that the virus is putting a strain on the relationship. We're working on it."
"Yes," she agreed. "I have no doubt that you would remain together despite the difficulties for quite some time, but I also have no doubt that the strain would eventually damage your relationship. Furthermore, there is someone you both care for and enjoy spending time with. Someone I believe you are both attracted to. And someone who needs you even more desperately than you need him."
"John?!" Rodney squeaked.
She nodded.
"Oh, no no no no! I don't see how saddling me with two virus carriers makes things any easier for me. God! I'd never get any sleep."
"I think she's suggesting that John and I could deal with much of the sex between ourselves."
"But then you'd have to go again much sooner."
"It would still give you more of a break than you had before," Carson pointed out.
Teyla rose, stopping their discussion momentarily. "I will leave you two to discuss this. However, I feel you need to remember that John's situation is much worse and I believe his condition is declining every day. Perhaps my people's solution is not correct for you, but John needs help. If you cannot do it then, as his friends, we need to find some way-- someone-- to help him."
Next chapter