Why Me? By Terrie01
Title: Why Me?
Author: terrie01
Remix of We Invented the Internet: Email by 3jane
Summary: Sheppard is in trouble.
Not only did he get Sumner's job, he also got Sumner's stuff. Most of the supplies, the ammo, the weapons, his extra cloths -- and let's not think about wearing a dead man's underwear -- went back into the common stores. But Sheppard got the rest of it. The files, the reports, his laptop. He wanted to protest that he hadn't come along to be administrative guy, but he figured if you killed a man -- even if it was a mercy killing -- the least you could do was to finish his paperwork.
There were a mess of unsent emails. Some were even addressed to him. Those mostly consisted of "Don't screw up, or your ass is in a sling." There were some others, some addressed to the city as a whole, some to just the military members, some to individuals. After thinking it over, he simply sent them out with Sumner's name on them. It was easier than going through them all individually and, really, why not let the dead man have the final word? It was the nice thing to do. Later he would decide that sometimes it's better to be a bastard.
---
Turned out one of the emails was a reminder about fraternization rules. No sleeping with the rest of the military. That's what civilians were for. The email was only supposed to go the military personnel, but the computer network was pretty much the scientists' play thing. The scientists who made up the majority of the civilian population and who didn't like have the labs portrayed as Atlantis's red light district.
Sheppard was a dead man.
The first hint he had was when his shower went odd. It kept shutting off. Usually right when he was trying to rinse shampoo out of his hair. Didn't matter what time of day or night he showered. The damned thing would shut off at least once. And then he wasn't able to get any hot water. When he complained, McKay made a remark about how, since he wouldn't be getting laid anytime soon, he should be grateful. And maybe he was as stupid as McKay claimed, because that was when he figured it out.
Now that he was actually paying attention, Sheppard noticed other things. Like Cordwen. The man had been included because of his computer skills, but apparently his first love was mathematics. Including statistics. Sheppard's current odds of getting laid were so small, they didn't bear thinking out. He'd heard they'd been even lower before Teyla had joined his team, but it was still up in the air if the alien woman would welcome such advances, or brain him with one of those sticks she used. The odds of any military personnel getting laid were low across the board. Best odds went to once of the anthropologists who claimed she'd do a disturbingly wide range of activities. But only with other scientists.
Two weeks. He made it through two weeks of the scientists' steady assault on his sanity. And then he caved.
The email was carefully worded. He said that he had carefully reviewed the policies implemented by Sumner and decided to alter a few of them, things he's sure Sumner himself would have done once he'd had a chance to assess their unique situation here in the Pegasus galaxy. Among those changes were those to the franternization policy. Sheppard expected everyone to act with the maturity and thoughtfulness their situation required. If problems resulted, due to the failure of personnel to act like adults, this change would be revisited. He also expected all military personnel to treat the scientists with the respect they deserved, as they were doing a wonderful job.
Less than half an hour after sending out the message, he found an anonymous reply in his inbox. Say nice things and you get rewarded. They had sent him porn.
Author: terrie01
Remix of We Invented the Internet: Email by 3jane
Summary: Sheppard is in trouble.
Not only did he get Sumner's job, he also got Sumner's stuff. Most of the supplies, the ammo, the weapons, his extra cloths -- and let's not think about wearing a dead man's underwear -- went back into the common stores. But Sheppard got the rest of it. The files, the reports, his laptop. He wanted to protest that he hadn't come along to be administrative guy, but he figured if you killed a man -- even if it was a mercy killing -- the least you could do was to finish his paperwork.
There were a mess of unsent emails. Some were even addressed to him. Those mostly consisted of "Don't screw up, or your ass is in a sling." There were some others, some addressed to the city as a whole, some to just the military members, some to individuals. After thinking it over, he simply sent them out with Sumner's name on them. It was easier than going through them all individually and, really, why not let the dead man have the final word? It was the nice thing to do. Later he would decide that sometimes it's better to be a bastard.
---
Turned out one of the emails was a reminder about fraternization rules. No sleeping with the rest of the military. That's what civilians were for. The email was only supposed to go the military personnel, but the computer network was pretty much the scientists' play thing. The scientists who made up the majority of the civilian population and who didn't like have the labs portrayed as Atlantis's red light district.
Sheppard was a dead man.
The first hint he had was when his shower went odd. It kept shutting off. Usually right when he was trying to rinse shampoo out of his hair. Didn't matter what time of day or night he showered. The damned thing would shut off at least once. And then he wasn't able to get any hot water. When he complained, McKay made a remark about how, since he wouldn't be getting laid anytime soon, he should be grateful. And maybe he was as stupid as McKay claimed, because that was when he figured it out.
Now that he was actually paying attention, Sheppard noticed other things. Like Cordwen. The man had been included because of his computer skills, but apparently his first love was mathematics. Including statistics. Sheppard's current odds of getting laid were so small, they didn't bear thinking out. He'd heard they'd been even lower before Teyla had joined his team, but it was still up in the air if the alien woman would welcome such advances, or brain him with one of those sticks she used. The odds of any military personnel getting laid were low across the board. Best odds went to once of the anthropologists who claimed she'd do a disturbingly wide range of activities. But only with other scientists.
Two weeks. He made it through two weeks of the scientists' steady assault on his sanity. And then he caved.
The email was carefully worded. He said that he had carefully reviewed the policies implemented by Sumner and decided to alter a few of them, things he's sure Sumner himself would have done once he'd had a chance to assess their unique situation here in the Pegasus galaxy. Among those changes were those to the franternization policy. Sheppard expected everyone to act with the maturity and thoughtfulness their situation required. If problems resulted, due to the failure of personnel to act like adults, this change would be revisited. He also expected all military personnel to treat the scientists with the respect they deserved, as they were doing a wonderful job.
Less than half an hour after sending out the message, he found an anonymous reply in his inbox. Say nice things and you get rewarded. They had sent him porn.