AU, Week 1: Don't Ask Me No Secrets, Don't Tell Me No Lies
Title: Don't Ask Me No Secrets, Don't Tell Me No Lies
Author: jem
Genre: AU
Prompt: Secrets and lies
Word Count: ~4,500
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Gen, but includes discussion of sexuality and sexual situations. Mention of the parallel AU deaths of people who also died in canon.
Summary: (Set in the Mensaverse AU.) Captain Alicia Vega doesn't want to make an issue of it. And after all, isn't it her call? But then everything spins out of control, and Alicia realizes that maybe this is something she does need to make an issue out of it after all . . .
The Major came to see her afterwards, as expected.
“We can say it was alien influence,” she said bluntly. “There'll be an investigation-the Colonel is too by-the-book for there not to be. But I'll back you up.”
No, Alicia wanted to say. I'm sick of hiding. Sick of lying.
“Yes ma'am,” she said instead. Major Teldy nodded smartly and turned away.
“Wait-ma'am?” Alicia called after her. She had to know. “Ma'am, can I ask-are we okay?”
“As far as I'm concerned, Captain, this never happened,” said the Major flatly, without turning.
Maybe she meant it to be comforting. But the words stabbed just the same.
---~~~---
Dusty brought the beer. They lounged on the pier drowning themselves in alcohol.
At least, Alicia was. Dusty had the alcohol tolerance of a large rhinoceros.
“What'd Teldy say?” Dusty asked finally.
“Party line is 'alien influence,'” answered Alicia emotionlessly.
Dusty snorted. “Bullshit.” But she did add, “That's generous for her, though. She must really like you.”
“You're kidding.”
“Nope.”
“Never figured her for being . . .” Alicia trailed off, not sure how to say it.
Dusty shook her head. “'Snot that. The Major-she just always feels like she's gotta prove herself, that's all.”
“Is that what the all-woman team thing is about?” It wasn't that Alicia minded-they worked well together, and everyone was damn good at her job. It was that the Major always felt the need to point it out and quote her 'best and brightest' line. Let our work speak for itself, was what Alicia always thought, mildly annoyed. They were Earth's number one first contact team on Atlantis, and she would've thought that by now people had stopped thinking about the fact that they were all women. Maybe they would have, if Teldy would stop drawing ttention to it.
Dusty was shaking her head. “Naw, I get that. She wanted me 'cause she knew me-we'd saved each others' butts back at the SGC. So for the rest of the team, she either had the option of two women or two men, because hell, it's hard enough for some men to take orders from a woman, but being on a team with three women? Most couldn't handle that. She wanted to recruit someone already in Atlantis's swing troops, who'd been in Pegasus before, and you were the best.” When Alicia frowned at her, she shrugged. “It's true. You were the standout of everyone not already on a recon team. So it meant she had to pick a girl scientist, too.”
“I guess that makes sense.” Alicia oddly felt mildly deflated. She realized she wanted to resent her superior officer right now. Really wanted to.
“But that's what this whole gay thing is about for her, you know. It's not about you. It's about proving she can be as good at her job as any man. I've worked with her for years now, and it's like she expects herself to be this superhuman Wonder Woman soldier-she makes one mistake and it proves centuries of misogyny right. So, yeah. Not about you.”
“That's a lot for one person to put on herself,” observed Alicia a little sarcastically.
“Yeah, well, that's the Major.”
They sat in silence for a moment. Then Alicia glanced at her teammate. “Do you care?”
Dusty snorted. “Oh, I knew a long time ago.”
Talk about being blindsided. “What?” She had been so careful. Taken such pains to live a lie, every day.
“And I definitely don't get what the big deal is, so no, it doesn't make a difference to me. And if you are going to be investigated for what happened on P4X-717, then the rest of us should get cited for improper conduct for what we did on that damn mission. Which would be dumb, because it was a mind-altering drug.”
“Not mind-altering. Removed inhibitions. It didn't change who we were.” That was the problem.
“I just don't understand why you left the SGC for Atlantis. I mean, talk about a small community where everybody knows all the gossip about everyone-how'd you expect to be able to get laid here and stay closeted?”
“I didn't-” Alicia pressed her lips together. Dusty's casual colloquialism stung, however applicable it was. “Back on Earth I didn't date at all, either. Not for a long time.” Not since she'd had a good friend railroaded out for having a very discreet lesbian relationship with a civilian all the way back in ROTC. The investigation had been ugly. It turned out that the policy was more, “Don't Tell, and Don't Let Us Find Out Even If We Dig Into Your Private Life.” It was stupid. She'd met dozens of military men and women who were at least semi-openly gay, and nobody cared. Until someone did care, and that was the end of that.
Her career had always been important enough to her to justify celibacy. Or maybe she was just afraid.
Dusty was staring at her agape. “You serious? You just stopped? That was your solution?” She rolled her eyes. “No wonder you got so crazy with that woman on seven-one-seven.”
Alicia could feel the blood rushing to her face. “Sergeant!”
Dusty shrugged. “Sorry, ma'am, just callin' it like I see it.”
---~~~---
Alicia had always known what might happen if the Major found out.
It wasn't just that Major Teldy was a little bit of a hard-ass, though she could be. But that wasn't necessarily bad. After all, with Colonel Sumner deciding to base himself out of Atlantis so that the Earth military commander was never off-world in case of emergency, Teldy's job as 2IC doubled as commander of the first-string Tau'ri gate team. Which, to be honest, made what Dusty had said about needing to prove herself worthy make even more sense. Alicia didn't like it, but it made sense.
But no, it had been more blatant than that. The week they'd been stuck at the Alpha site after their GDOs had been stripped by Satedan terrorists when that mission went south-they'd gotten extremely bored, and it had been Dusty who had suggested the drinking games. Alicia had groaned-weren't they a little old for “I Never”?-and the Major had abstained, preferring to remain sober. Alicia didn't know if she just never drank or she was in the habit of making sure an emergency never hit Atlantis when she was under the influence, which, since they hit with surprising regularity, meant being a teetotaler.
Alison had been the one to giggle and say, “Well, I've never kissed a girl.” Alicia had frozen where she sat, hoping no one had seen her hand twitch towards her bottle.
Major Teldy had been pacing by the door, but had turned suddenly, saying harshly, “Doctor, I can't know that!” at the same time Dusty had cheerfully swigged. Alicia now wondered if the Sergeant had done that on purpose.
“Aw, don't look at me like that, ma'am,” Dusty had said casually. “You're not going to report me 'cause I've fooled around a little, are you?”
Major Teldy had finally given a short, tight smile and said that no, she wasn't going to report Dusty, while pretty much ordering them not to put her in that position. But then, Dusty did like men, and wasvocal about it, which gave the Major a legitimate out. Besides, the two women had served together for years at that point.
Apparently a year of being on Teldy's team had earned Alicia an “alien influence” defense.
---~~~---
When Alison came to find Alicia, apparently after having been told by Major Teldy how to write her mission report, she was pissed. And Alison didn't get pissed off easily. In fact, Alicia was pretty sure she'd never seen her more than mildly annoyed.
“We should do something!” she kept saying. “It's not fair!”
“No. It'll just make things worse,” Alicia insisted, hearing the same flatness in her own voice she'd heard in the Major's. But at the same time, she felt just a little less alone. She hadn't realized until that moment how isolated she had been feeling-even Dusty, who thought the system was crap, still accepted it. After all, for her it wasn't personal. Not that it likely was for Alison either-not only was she not military, but Alicia had seen her and Dr. Beckett together, and “obvious” was one way of putting it-but her teammate's vicarious outrage was enough to lift Alicia's spirits just a little.
“But this is mad,” Alison was pleading. “What have you been doing to keep people from finding out, living in a box?”
Well, essentially. More like a closet, Alicia thought with black humor.“Maybe we can convince everybody to come out and say they're gay,” Alison suggested wildly.
Without meaning to, Alicia burst out laughing. “What?”
“I'm serious! I know I can convince Carson, and half the base thinks Rod and Dr. Sheppard are in a relationship anyway-”
“Alison-”
“And I know we're only scientists, but maybe we can get some of the military folks to do it too-they can't send us all home, can they? And it's not like the rest of the City will have a problem with it; you should see how excited the anthropologists get over Taranian marriage traditions-”
“Alison, I appreciate the thought, but . . . don't.”
“We have to do something,” Alison said again. “You've saved my life. A bunch of times. Heck, our team has saved Atlantis more than once, hasn't it? And Earth? I can't stand by and-they're saying you can't have a personal life. That's not fair.”
Technically she wasn't disallowed a personal life. She could have a discreet personal life; she would just be risking the investigation she'd seen Lea go through, the humiliating exposé and the inevitable discharge that would see her sent home to Oregon. Where she might be able to date, but she'd be confined to Earth for the rest of her life. Condemned never to see the stars again.
She couldn't imagine that. She'd worked hard to be good at what she did, but not half so hard as she had once she'd joined the Stargate Program. Every day just living on Atlantis was a marvel. It was worth it. It was all worth it.
She might wish she could have it all, but that was not reality. And Alicia was nothing if not pragmatic.
---~~~---
The practicality of Captain Vega, however, had no influence over the Atlantis rumor mill.
At noon the next day, she was made eminently aware of said rumors by Councilor Emmagen and Specialist Dex sitting down across from her in the mess.
“Councilor, Specialist,” she greeted them a little nervously. Dex she'd sparred with in training, but Emmagen-even after a year, Alicia knew almost nothing about her. She was aloof from all of the Earth expedition except her team-the only Pegasus team in Atlantis that had asked for two Tau'ri, and, admittedly, the rather insane team that pulled a rabbit out of a hat for the City on a regular basis-and was very, very
scary.
Now she pinned Alicia with an intense gaze, her face sculpted and hard. “Captain Vega,” she said formally. “We have heard that you are being persecuted by your military because of a predilection for having sexual relations with women.”
Alicia choked.
“We find such treatment unacceptable,” continued Emmagen.
“I-please.” Alicia was suddenly feeling very hot. “I don't want to make this an issue.”
“Unfortunately, it is an issue for us,” said Emmagen. “We know of planets that hold such views, and they are ostracized. It did not occur to us when we invited Earth to share Atlantis that such an advanced civilization would practice similarly abhorrent bigotry.” Her voice was very even and factual.
“It's . . . complicated,” said Alicia lamely.
“No it's not,” rumbled Dex.
“Look, I know your cultures are different-”
“On Athos, we do not hold to your practice of marriage. Although parents both take part in raising any biological children, it is almost unheard of for partnerships to remain monogamous. According to Rod, this has encouraged our genetic diversity in the face of frequent cullings.”
“Satedans mostly marry,” put in Dex. “But man, woman; man, man; woman, woman; sometimes man, man, woman-doesn't matter.”
“You can understand why we might wish to sever relations with a people whose ideas clash with our cultural morality.”
This was all happening too fast. “Don't you think that's a little extreme?” Alicia tried to argue. This couldn't be the end of the Atlantis expedition. It couldn't. It would be too ludicrous. She could see the imaginary headline: Earth Kicked Out of Galaxy for Don't Ask Don't Tell.
And she, Captain Alicia Natalia Vega, USAF, would be the reason for the expedition failing. That hadn't occurred to her even in her nightmares.
Emmagen gave her a tight smile. “You do not have a good understanding of our cultures here, Captain.” She stood; Dex got up with her. “As an ambassador from Athos, I would like to extend to you an offer of asylum, should you choose it.”
Alicia was staggered. She had never-she had felt alone, felt resentment, even felt anger, but the policies of the military were her reality, and it was a reality she had always had to deal with. She'd never seen the point in doing otherwise.
Apparently, Dex and Emmagen did, and the damn policy wasn't even affecting them. She didn't think Pegasus had ever seemed more alien. “Thank you,” she managed, scrambling to her feet. “Councilor. But-I think you should reconsider. I swear to you, it's more complicated than you think it is.”
Dex grunted.
“Your loyalty, under other circumstances, would be admirable,” said Emmagen, and Alicia had no idea whether to feel flattered or not.
---~~~---
It had gotten out of control.
Alicia had no idea how this had happened. Wasn't this her decision to make? Hadn't she said yes to Teldy, talked it out with Dusty, told Alison it didn't matter? If she said it wasn't an issue, wasn't it not an issue? Didn't she have the authority to give everyone permission to sweep it under the rug? So why wouldn't they?
She hadn't even gotten the chance to talk to anyone about what Emmagen and Dex had said when Rod burst into her team's mission briefing right after lunch, saying loudly, “Where's Sumner? I have a situation here!”
The Colonel looked up at him. “Dr. McKay,” he said, not entirely happily. Rod's charm didn't work one hundred percent of the time, apparently.
“Teyla and Ronon are about about ready to make us walk!” he cried, obviously extremely agitated. “I want to know what's going on here! It's something about our culture having a vile moral compass, but I think they were talking about 'don't ask don't tell.' What the hell is going on?”
Alicia wanted to sink through the floor.
“Doctor, I have no idea what you're talking about,” said Sumner impatiently. “Perhaps this can wait until after we're done here?” McKay might be on a front-line gate team, but it wasn't one of Earth's, and even though his team was probably the preeminent one on Atlantis, it was only its status with Pegasus that allowed Rod and Sheppard to sit in on Earth command briefings. It was Weir who had let them join Emmagen's team, before she was gone-the Colonel probably wouldn't have allowed it, given the choice.
“No, it can't wait!” Rod ranted. “We're talking about the ITC kicking us out of Atlantis. Do I have to remind you that our little contingent is only here in the City of their Ancestors by the Trade Circle's sufferance? Do you have any idea how powerful Athos and Sateda are? Sateda controls half the damn quadrant, and if the Athosians wash their hands of us, then the Genii-”
“Fine, Doctor, I understand. What do you want?”
“I want to know what's going on here,” said Rod, folding his arms. “I want to know why my team's about to fall apart and Teyla and Ronon offered Sheppard and me 'exceptional citizenship' if they kick the rest of you out-which Sheppard has already said he would happily take, by the way-and why this somehow has something to do with a ridiculous and outmoded military policy that nobody on Atlantis cares about em>anyway.”
“Dr. McKay, I have no more idea what's going on than you do,” said the Colonel severely.
“I might,” said Major Teldy stiffly. She looked at Alicia, her gaze piercing. “Captain?”
“Councilor Emmagen and Specialist Dex talked to me,” Alicia said reluctantly. “I don't know how they found out. I didn't tell them anything.”
“Found out what?” demanded Colonel Sumner.
“Oh, for heavens' sake,” said Alison, “Captain Vega's gay, and it's your stupid policy that's practically getting us kicked out of Atlantis.” She looked over at Alicia and blushed. “Sorry.”
“I said it wasn't an issue, sir!” Alicia insisted hotly.
“Well, apparently it is for our alien allies,” growled Sumner, rubbing his temple. “Dr. McKay, please assure Councilor Emmagen and Specialist Dex that the policy they refer to is outmoded and unenforced, and that we have advanced past it.”
“Wait,” said Dusty. “Seriously?”
Sumner turned to Alicia. “Captain, as far as I'm concerned you're one of the best in this command. Do you anticipate that your sexual orientation will affect your performance in any way?”
“No, sir,” said Alicia dazedly.
“Fine,” said Sumner. “The issue is closed.”
“Thank God,” said Rod, and turned and left the room.
“That's it?” said Dusty incredulously, precisely echoing Alicia's first thoughts. “That's it?”
“That's it,” confirmed Sumner. “Now, could we please return to the briefing.”
---~~~---
Of course it was too easy.
Alicia hadn't even figured out how she should be reacting to the sudden turn of events, other than suddenly feeling as if some enormous and intangible weight had been lifted-and damn, but that was a good feeling-when Colonel Sumner called her into his office after the briefing. “Captain,” he said brusquely. “You have always brought an outstanding professionalism to your work here.”
“Thank you, sir,” she said, not sure where he was going with this.
“I hope this unfortunate misunderstanding with our alien allies will not affect the way you comport yourself on this base.”
Alicia had a sudden sense of foreboding. “Sir?”
“I'm saying that your conduct thus far has been irreproachable, Captain, and I expect that not to change. As I'm sure you already understand, bringing your personal life into Atlantis would be divisive.”
Was he saying what she thought he was saying? That he had just lied to their allies, made a declaration that had changed her life, and now he was telling her behind closed doors that it had all been words?
“Do you understand me, Captain?”
And suddenly it was too much. Dusty had called it bullshit, Alison had been indignant when the policy came down on a friend, and Rod had raised hell when it messed with his team, but Emmagen and Dex-they had been willing to smash an alliance to bits based on the principle of the thing.
A principle that should have been hers. And now Sumner was paying lip service to their demands and ordering her to play along.
“No, sir,” she said slowly. “I'm afraid I don't.”
His face hardened. “Excuse me, Captain?”
“Permission to speak freely, sir?”
“Denied,” he said immediately.
Alicia stared. Anger was rising in her, a white fury. Well, hell, if she was going to be discharged anyway . . . She felt suddenly reckless, as if she were drunk, drunk and without judgment. “Sir, I'm tired of choosing between my career and myself,” she said, loudly and clearly and rashly. “And I shouldn't have to.” Her head was spinning. She should not have said that. Should not have . . .
“Captain, you realize the United States military has certain standards-”
“Standards, sir?” Alicia interrupted, her gut twisting with revulsion at his word choice, the words spewing from her mouth before she even realized what she was saying. “Sir, you just lied to our Pegasus allies and friends and asked me to be complicit in it. Don't lecture me about standards, sir, as that's already one order I cannot follow.”
Colonel Sumner, man of the short fuse, was already on his feet, his face reddening. “You really want to do this, Captain?”
“Sir, I should advise you that Councilor Emmagen has already offered me asylum in Pegasus, should I choose to take it.” Her heart was hammering against her ribs; her hands were slick with sweat. Never to see her family on Earth again, her father and grandparents and all sixteen cousins . . . she wouldn't take the offer, of course; she couldn't. It would break Atlantis, and she wouldn't be that person. She wouldn't. Would she? “If you push this, sir, it will have diplomatic consequences, and I don't need to remind you that the IOA's replacement for Dr. Weir is arriving next week.” She was mad, reckless, insane, the words pouring out of her without thinking, without considering. How had she gotten here? She had never-she was the most upright officer in any command-this was not what she did-
A vein was throbbing in her CO's forehead; he loomed over her, huge and overbearing. “You're a traitor to your country,” he growled. “Get out!”
Alicia felt as if she had been slapped. “Never,” she gasped. “I'm not-”
“GET OUT!”
She left.
She didn't remember running all the way to the East Pier; the next few minutes were a blur. And then she was leaning out over the ocean, breath heaving, the sobs ripping out of her, and she-she hadn't cried since she was thirteen, but now-her career in shambles, dead, gone, after all the work, all the years, and now-now she had to choose between destroying an alliance she believed in, destroying Atlantis, not to mention never seeing Earth again, and being discharged because of an unjust policy, going home like a whipped dog, and spending the rest of her life staring at the stars and wishing . . . and she couldn't live that life, couldn't, not after all she had seen, all she had done-she would go mad. As much of a lie as she had had to live being Air Force, the secret she would have to keep locked away if she went back-because this was her life, Atlantis, and it always would be, and to pretend otherwise would be just as much of a lie, just as much of a façade, as she'd lived for the past eight years. Maybe more.
But her only alternative was to tear apart that life, destroy Atlantis and the whole Earth-Pegasus alliance, all for her own selfish need to live the life she wanted. She screamed wordlessly out at the ocean, screamed until she was hoarse. It wasn't fair. It wasn't.
Major Teldy found her there.
Alicia immediately stood at attention, trying in vain to clean up her face quickly with her sleeve.
“At ease, Captain.”
So she hadn't been discharged yet. At least not as far as Teldy was concerned.
Major Teldy paused for a moment, as if searching for words. “I've spoken to Colonel Sumner,” she said finally.
“Yes ma'am,” answered Alicia stiffly, trying to stifle the hitch in her voice, to be the dignified USAF officer she was supposed to be. She could at least go out proud.
“I think we can come to a compromise. Colonel Sumner was not pleased with your insubordinate conduct, but he is willing to overlook it on the condition that you leave your position on Earth's primary first-contact gate team. He feels that if you instead fulfill a role as military liaison to one of the Pegasus teams, any changes you might make in your . . . personal life . . . will not affect unit cohesion.” She paused, then added, “For what it's worth, Captain, I'm sorry.”
So Major Teldy had a heart after all.
It was a disappointment. A grave disappointment-she loved being on Earth's primary team, being in the thick of it, not to mention a certain pride that came with that position. Dusty and Alison had become good friends of hers, and even having lived here over a year, she was not one hundred percent comfortable with all of the Pegasus cultures.
But Colonel Sumner had his pride, too, and this was a way out, a way out when she'd thought she had no options. She didn't even need to think about it. “I'll take it, ma'am.”
“We'll miss having you on the team,” said Teldy. “The Colonel wants me to add Captain Lorne. Keep the Marine / USAF balance even, and all that.”
Alicia nodded; that was yet another political imbroglio, and the rivalry between the two branches was not always exactly friendly. At least Lorne seemed like a good man. Just better hope he's not gay, and you'll be fine, she thought humorlessly. “Breaking up the all-woman team, ma'am?”
Teldy gave her a small smile. “I think any point has long been proven.” Then, to Alicia's surprise, she straightened and saluted. “It's been an honor having you on my team, Captain.”
With all the formality she could muster with a face that was still crusted with tears, Alicia drew herself up and saluted sharply back.
Life was never one hundred percent what you might want. But sometimes it could still turn out pretty damn okay.
Author's Notes:
The stories of treatment of gays in the military are taken from reading extensively from personal accounts of people who were discharged-sometimes honorably, sometimes not-because of homosexuality or railroaded out, as well as of cases in which nobody cared all that much. Any mistakes or misrepresentations are my own fault.
(I have to say, if I ever wrote slash it would probably have a very unhappy ending, as in my experience, the consequences of discovering and/or exercising non-straight sexual orientations, especially in the military and especially for men, are rarely easy or without both emotional and practical fallout. Therefore, it's a good thing for slash readers that I don't really care for writing romance of any sort!)