Cold Feet by liketheriver (In Memoriam challenge)
Title: Cold Feet
Author: liketheriver
Genre: preslash, angst
Characters: John and Rodney
Rating: T.
Word count: ~ 2,900
Warning: None
Spoilers: anything up through season 5
Author Notes: Thanks as always to Koshka for the quick beta
Summary: Weddings weren’t John’s favorite way to pass the time. Yet, here he was, not only attending the ceremony, but a member of the wedding party.
Cold Feet
by liketheriver
Weddings weren’t John’s favorite way to pass the time. They always had a way of making him feel like a little bit of a failure and even more of a cynic regarding the chances of the happy couple. Considering how his one and only trip down the aisle had gone, it wasn’t surprising. Yet, here he was, not only attending the ceremony, but a member of the wedding party.
"Can you believe I’m actually getting married?" Rodney finished retying his tie for the third time. Stepping back, he contemplated his image staring back at him from the mirror, an image with a disgruntled grimace and a tie with the narrow end hanging down a good inch longer than the wide end.
"It’s pretty unbelievable," Sheppard admitted in as noncommittal of a tone as he could muster. He crossed arms across his own perfectly knotted tie that hung down the front of the white shirt to his dress blues. Careful not to sit on his jacket he had draped there, he leaned back against the desk in Rodney’s quarters.
Correction, what used to be Rodney’s quarters as most of his belonging had already been moved to the larger apartment McKay and Keller had chosen for their new residence.
Glancing around the nearly empty room, John’s stomach clenched a little bit at the thought that their days were at an end for hanging out together in this room playing video games, or tweaking the suspension on the RC cars, or watching really bad anime films that Rodney considered high art primarily because he didn’t understand the endings whereas John knew they were poorly written excuses to have a movie feature animated sex… and yes, it was kind of hot in a mildly perverse sort of way, but would easily move into a creepy, older guy, soft porn fetish if he started watching them alone. Unfortunately, after today, that was going to be his only option.
John raised his eyebrows at the way Rodney cursed at the tie. "Not getting cold feet are you?"
McKay grimaced and shifted from foot to foot. "Pre-wedding jitters. Those are normal. Right?"
"I don’t know," John drawled. "I haven’t seen you this nervous since we went out Wraith hunting and captured Steve our first year here."
"That bad?" Rodney’s grimace grew.
"Well, you know, marriage to Jennifer, threat of death by Wraith." Sheppard formed his hands into scales, pretending to weigh McKay’s options. It ended up being an even break between which was worse.
John didn’t have any problems with Jennifer. She was a good doctor, a valuable member of the expedition, and even had a dark edge to her sense of humor that came out now and again. But over the year that they had been dating, John had developed a problem with Jennifer and Rodney. At first, Sheppard thought they would make a good match. The hologram of old Rodney John had met in the future had talked about Jennifer with a deep-seated affection, so it seemed only natural that they would eventually get together when they did. And John had been able to shake off those first twinges of jealousy of having to share McKay’s free time with Keller by telling himself this was the best thing for Rodney. Rodney deserved to be happy, especially after all he’d been through and all those he’d lost through the years. It was about damn time the Universe evened the score for Rodney McKay and gave him some happiness for a change.
Then, after a few months, Sheppard realized Jennifer had fallen in love with the idea of what Rodney McKay could be and not necessarily who he was. Maybe it was the glimpse of the could-be Rodney she had encountered during the whole brain slug incident, or maybe it was the way Rodney would withdraw like a scolded child when she chastised him in public. At first, John was impressed at the way she could control McKay. Up until Keller, the only one who had seemed to have any impact on stemming the Dr. Rodney McKay ego had been John himself. Sheppard, however, tried to only use his powers of persuasion for good, either McKay’s good or the team’s good or even the city’s good. Jennifer seemed to be using it whenever she felt Rodney had strayed too far out of some predetermined boundaries she had set for him or when his words and actions seemed to be embarrassing her by his mere association with her.
John had tried to point it out to Rodney in their typical smartass way they had with each other, but every goading comment about McKay’s short leash or quip about Jennifer cracking the whip was passed off with a roll of eyes or a smug grin and come back of, "I’m not the type to discuss my sex life outside the bedroom." Which was a total and bold faced lie, because there was no way McKay was into the S&M bondage type of sex. No fucking way. Sheppard had seen him try to milk sympathy for a week over a rope burn after they’d had their hands bound by the Genii, there was no way Rodney was letting Jennifer come near him with leather sex toys.
At least there better not be.
Of course, the comment had worked in Rodney’s favor and John had kept the barbs to a minimum for a few months until he had convinced himself that Jennifer and Rodney’s sex life was so vanilla the missionary position was the height of eroticism for them. In fact, McKay was probably so bored with the sex that he’d probably break it off soon enough.
John had spent the last month of his self-imposed silence thinking about how that might play out. How Rodney would come to his room in the middle of the night, already on his way to being drunk, and tell Sheppard, his best friend, the person he trusted most in the world, how he’d dumped Jennifer but was already regretting his decision because even mediocre sex was better than no sex at all. John would invite him in, give him another beer, and tell Rodney he couldn’t second guess himself, that sex was a very important part of a relationship and if it wasn’t working out, then it wasn’t meant to be. As the night went on and they would finish off the six-pack, Rodney would admit, rather drunkenly, that he hadn’t had a blow job in years. That’s when John, being his best friend and person he trusted most in the world, would offer to solve that dilemma for him. McKay would, of course, take him up on that offer then gladly and gratefully reciprocate. Unfortunately, John would come out of those reveries to the feel of his own hands on hot skin instead of Rodney’s mouth, but it was a nice fantasy to get through the night. Especially when, considering the position he held on Atlantis, it could never be more than a fantasy for Sheppard.
Just because John couldn’t have Rodney didn’t mean he wanted Keller to have him, so he eventually started up with the ribbing again. If John had thought the hints at a lurid sex life had been bad, what Rodney said next was worse.
"Do you remember that Rolling Stones song? You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need? Well, that’s me, Sheppard. I need Jennifer in my life. So unless you can offer up an alternative, keep your opinions to yourself."
John had watched in stunned silence as McKay stormed off down the corridor. A week later, Rodney proposed to Jennifer.
The fact was, John wasn’t an idiot, no matter how many times McKay had insisted that he was. He’d been very aware of how the give and take between he and Rodney had changed over the years they’d known each other. He’d seen Rodney jealous of Chaya, and later Laryn. John had known he was the only one who had stood a chance of helping McKay fight the nightmares caused by the crystal entity, just as Rodney had known Sheppard’s only chance of survival was for him to come back in and give John the will to fight his evil twin a little longer. And during Rodney’s illness, the way his face lit up whenever Sheppard entered the room, filled with an emotion that caused John’s throat to constrict whenever he saw it, just sealed the deal for John. Because the truth of the matter was, John felt the exact same thing for McKay.
The engagement announcement had been a punch in the gut to John, but what was he supposed to do? Jump up and beg Rodney not to go through with it? Ask him to risk having John sent back to Earth if they gave in and got caught? Wait until the laws changed or John retired or some shit like that? Rodney deserved better than that, he deserved a chance at being happy and having kids and living a long, full life with a woman who could make him happy and do it openly in front of everyone. So, Sheppard had congratulated the happy couple and accepted Rodney’s request that John be his best man.
That was how he found himself sitting in McKay’s old room, watching the man fumble with his tie yet again.
With a sigh, John stood and walked to stand behind Rodney, reaching his arms around McKay’s shoulders and taking the ends of fabric in hand. "You still haven’t learned how to tie one of these?"
Rodney was a ball of nervous energy, and this close, John could feel the way he trembled.
"Forgive me for not having the vast experience of tying perfect ties you acquired on the military parade grounds."
"Actually, it was boarding school," John corrected at Rodney’s ear, leaning in closer over Rodney’s shoulder as he measured out the lengths of silk with years of practiced skill.
"Boarding school?" Rodney still had trouble believing Sheppard came from money, and actually, that was fine by John. "You had to wear ties at boarding school?"
"Everyday except Saturday." Sheppard could have had the tie knotted in a perfect Windsor by now, but he was taking his time. It wasn’t often he had an excuse to be this close to McKay and he doubted he’d get another one that didn’t involve one or both of them on the verge of bleeding to death anytime soon.
"Well, suffice to say, you’ve probably worn one in a single week more than I have in my entire life." Rodney was staring at their reflection in the mirror and John was doing his damnedest not to do the same. McKay shifted, pulling his gaze away. "Besides, the last time you had to tie this tie for me…"
Rodney’s voice went a little hoarse and he cleared his throat. John had been thinking about the same thing- Carson’s funeral. The original Carson. It was funny how easy it was to forget that the Carson they had now was actually a clone. He had all of Carson’s memories up until the real Carson was captured by Michael and his DNA collected, he had Carson’s devotion to those under his care, and Carson’s affection for those he called friend, and even Carson’s exasperation with Rodney and the rest of Sheppard’s team. But as much as they considered their current Carson Beckett to be their Carson Beckett, another man, a good, good man, had died. Rodney had never forgotten that, and neither had John.
"Yeah, I know," Sheppard agreed quietly as he went back to concentrating on the loop he was creating.
Wedding and funerals. They both required a coat and tie. John couldn’t help but think about how odd it was that a person was expected to dress up to mark these sorts of momentous occasions. That it took a suit to commemorate these beginnings and endings in life, when all he really wanted was to have those days really worth celebrating, to simply share that jean and t-shirt time that fell between beginning and end with the person of his choosing.
Unfortunately, all he could do was tie the man’s damn tie.
"I wish he was here," Rodney confessed and this time John did look up to meet McKay’s eyes in the mirror. "Him and Elizabeth."
John’s hands froze. He sucked in a breath and swallowed down emotions that were threatening to break the surface he worked so hard to keep as still as his hands were currently.
"All of them," Rodney continued, his eyes locked on John’s in the mirror. "Ford, Grodin… Christ, it’s been what? Five years since the Wraith siege and we lost them? Sometimes I’m still surprised when Peter isn’t in the gateroom."
John silently added more people, so goddamn many more, some he knew well, others were little more than a name and rank, but all of them gone forever. Rodney shook his head with a sigh and that was all Sheppard needed to get back to work on the tie.
Focusing his attention on the slip of silk through the opening he’d formed, John observed, "You know what they say, time flies, although it wasn’t always fun."
"It flies too fast," Rodney countered. "Too fast to waste."
"Do you think you’re wasting your time?" Sheppard tried to keep his voice from sounding too hopeful as he shuffled the knot up to McKay’s Adam’s apple.
"I guess that depends on what I’d be doing if I wasn’t getting married today." He caught John’s eye in the mirror again as he asked pointedly, "Would I be wasting my time?"
"Rodney…" John deflated slightly as he started speaking, honestly not sure what he wanted to say.
McKay, however, did know what he wanted to say. "I’d wait. If you asked me to, I’d wait."
John couldn’t stop the quirk of his lips as he straightened the knot. "I thought you always said waiting was a waste of time."
"Only if there’s nothing worth waiting for at the end of the day."
"You’d end up waiting a lot longer than a day," John pointed out.
McKay rolled his eyes. "It’s a figure of speech, Sheppard. We can talk around it or about it. Choice is yours."
Rodney still smelled like shaving cream. His jaw would be smooth if John dared to turn his head and let his nose brush against the warmth of Rodney’s skin. Sheppard might even taste the sharp tang of soap if he were brave enough to let his lips trail along the same path. John’s heart was pounding, weighing his options on how he could ruin Rodney’s life or watch him go off and ruin it on his own. And despite McKay’s cool and slightly annoyed expression, Sheppard could feel Rodney’s heart beating just as hard when he straightened and smoothed the tie down on Rodney’s chest.
Stepping back, John told him, "Jennifer’s a good woman. She can give you a home, a family, a good life. You two can be happy."
It took all his self control to keep from saying he thought he and McKay could be even happier if things were different. Problem was, things were exactly what they were and he was exactly what he was, an officer in the United States Air Force and the commanding officer for a band of military on an Ancient city in the Pegasus galaxy. He had responsibilities, Rodney had his science and a dozen Nobels in his future, and John doing what he wanted would only make him a selfish bastard in the end.
"Right." McKay took a deep breath and squared his shoulders as he buttoned his jacket. "Okay then. I guess I’m getting married. We should probably get going."
John forced a small smile before shifting awkwardly. "Do you still want me to, you know, be your best man?"
Rodney spread his arms helplessly and gave a small chuckle. "John, you’ve known me longer and better than anyone else on this expedition. One way or another I want you standing beside me on my wedding day."
With that confession, McKay turned toward the door. John couldn’t seem to make his feet follow anymore than he could deny he was terrified. Terrified that when the wedding official asked if anyone objected to the marriage he’d actually make an absolute fool of himself and pipe up with a, "Hell, yes, I object!" And even more terrified he’d stand there quietly and watch McKay slip through his fingers like the ends of the tie had.
"Rodney, wait," John called, his voice more desperate than he wanted it to sound but not nearly as desperate as he felt.
Rodney stopped, his hand lifted halfway to trigger the door open. He turned to look over his shoulder in his own desperate hope, anxious to hear what else John had to say.
Ends up, John was a selfish bastard.
"Just…wait."
It was as close to a proposal as Sheppard could get at the moment, but someday… someday they’d get that jeans and t-shirt time they deserved. He only hoped someday would be enough for McKay for the time being.
Rodney lowered his hand from the door, turned, and smiled in relief as he loosened his tie. It was all the acceptance John needed.
The End