Supplemental Education by liketheriver (kidfic challenge)
Title: Supplemental Education
Category: gen humor team
Word Count: ~3,000
Rating: T
Characters: Pretty much everyone.
Spoilers: None really
A/N: Because evidently I had a potty mouth from a very young age and my own children apparently inherited that from me. Thanks as always to Koschka for the beta. Also, this is set about six to eight months in the future.
Summary: Torren learns a few new words from Teyla's teammates.
Supplemental Education
by liketheriver
In the early days, Teyla had been hesitant to let anyone besides Kanaan watch over Torren for any significant amount of time. She was sure that the primary reason had to do with how close she had come to losing Torren to Michael forever, and how she had feared she would never have the chance to see him grow up, never have the chance to experience the joys of watching him sit for the first time, take his first steps, speak his first words. But then, one night as they were eating dinner after returning from a mission, she was telling her team about how Torren had discovered how his wrist worked the night before and had spent nearly twenty whole minutes watching it as he rotated it back in forth in front of his face, and Rodney made a comment.
"Yeah, fascinating. Are you going to finish your jell-o?"
Teyla had realized over the years that, while Rodney was often the only one who would verbalize his boredom with a topic so readily, he was often not the only one felt the conversation was dull.
John had chastised, "Rodney!" before turning back to Teyla with an almost patronizing smile and saying, "Don’t worry about him, it really is neat hearing about Torren all the time. Isn’t that right, Ronon?"
Ronon had looked up quickly at the sound of his name from the forks he was bending and stacking into something that looked remarkably like a catapult. "Huh, what?"
That’s when Teyla came to the conclusion that perhaps she should get a little time to herself, or maybe she and Kanaan could spend some one on one adult time together. Because, when she stopped to think about it, Kanaan was showing the strains of spending the vast majority of his time with Torren, as well. Teyla had noticed he had started referring to her in the third person on a regular basis in a singsong voice. Just the night before he had asked, "Awww, did Teyla have a weally bad day?"
As a result, she had decided she should find a babysitter for Torren and who better to look after her child than the men who had rescued them both and watched over her in the field. She had, of course, started with John. He was the logical first choice considering how he at least pretended to be interested in her stories about the baby, not to mention the fact that Rodney had dropped Torren that one time and Ronon designed weaponry out of dinnerware.
It had, in fact, been a team endeavor that first night she had left Torren with John, with Rodney and Ronon providing logistical support, as John put it. It had only been for a few hours, but if they had any problems with the baby that first night, they had kept it to themselves and successfully destroyed all incriminating evidence. Teyla had started off the evening worrying and fretting and wondering if she was doing the right thing. Kanaan never had a second thought. He lit candles, he played the Earth music he had acquired by a musician named Barry White, and he happily topped off Teyla’s wine glass with a somewhat eager smile every time she took a sip. By the second glass, Teyla understood what Kanaan had been so eager about, and when she finally looked at the clock from where she lay sweaty and sated in their bed and realized she was late to pick up Torren, she concluded she had just experienced the best sex of her life. It wasn’t until she was dressing that the similarities of this night and the one when she had ended up pregnant in the first place suddenly struck her…minus Barry White. And it wasn’t until she was walking briskly down the hall toward John’s quarters that she decided this was definitely going to become a regular event.
Over the next several months, Teyla even became more at ease with the idea of Rodney and Ronon caring for Torren on their own. Although, they seemed to be much more comfortable if they were working in teams of at least two men. Teyla didn’t mind how her teammates divvied up the job as long as she got a night every couple of weeks to have a real conversation about something besides missions or baby poop and ended the evening bedded like a Bandorean whore. Besides, Torren came to enjoy his nights with his adopted uncles as much as she came to enjoy her evenings out. That was until Torren started talking and picked up more from the men than Teyla had ever planned on.
Torren was almost fourteen months old, walking easily around their quarters and playing with one of the wooden pull-toys Halling had carved for him when the undulating worm-shaped toy became twisted around a chair leg. Before Teyla could walk across the room to help her son who was growing increasingly agitated and frustrated with his toy, he kicked it and exclaimed, "Fuck!"
Teyla gasped at the outburst, stopping in her tracks in surprise. Her child, her precious innocent baby boy, had just cursed in front of her and he couldn’t even put a sentence together. His entire vocabulary was limited to a handful of words and now that was one of them. And that had her eyes that were wide open in shock narrowing dangerously.
Swinging Torren up onto her hip, Teyla stormed down the hall to Rodney’s lab where she knew he and John would be playing video games. Once there, she pushed her son into John’s hands. John looked at her in confusion that only grew when she told him, "You will fix this."
"Fix what?" John held Torren out at arm’s length and looked him over from head to toe. "Nothing seems to be broken. Does it, buddy?"
John had been addressing the child he was holding but Rodney was engrossed with the game. "Does what?"
"Not you," John clarified, "the kid."
"What’s wrong with him?" Rodney asked, his body leaning to mimic the action of flying the spacecraft on the screen.
"Nothing that I can see," John admitted with a studious frown as he tilted Torren in much the same way Rodney was tilting the gaming control.
Before Teyla could explain exactly what she expected them to fix, Rodney’s animated craft crashed.
"Dammit, Sheppard! Why didn’t you tell me there was an asteroid belt on this level?"
"Ha!" John barked with a gloating smile. "That’s what you get for wasting all your time doing science stuff instead of practicing."
"Yes, ensuring you have potable water and power for the city are such a waste of my time." Rodney tossed the controls down in a huff and Torren provided his own assessment of the situation.
"Fuck!"
The two men’s eyes widened in surprise at the outburst and Teyla crossed her arms in self-satisfaction that they had obviously now seen the error of their ways and would do everything in their power to rectify the situation. Instead John and Rodney looked at each other for a second before they started snickering.
"Oh, this is not amusing," Teyla warned them with her hands on her hips. "And I expect the two of you to take care of it and make sure he never says that word again."
"Us?" Rodney demanded in outrage, all his humor gone.
John was already trying to give Torren back. "Now hold on just a minute. Why is this our fault?"
Teyla took a step back from them and crossed her arms again. "Where else would he have learned such a word?"
John’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he struggled to think of an alternative to Teyla’s assumption.
Rodney simply shrugged. "She does have a point."
John scowled but didn’t disagree and Teyla took that as her signal to leave. "I will return for my son in a few hours and I expect this matter to be settled."
Not that she truly expected them to teach a toddler not to say a certain word in that short amount of time, but, if nothing else, it would teach them to watch their language around Torren in the future. Sometimes to educate someone, it was necessary to let them complete the lesson hands on. And sometimes to keep from educating them by using your own hands to beat them senseless, it was best to walk away and perhaps meditate for a while.
After half an hour of low lights and regulated breathing, Teyla went to the cafeteria to eat some lunch. She took a table in the corner when she saw John and Rodney had also decided to eat. Ronon had also joined them and was holding Torren as the baby ate peas one at a time from the bowl in front of him.
"And Teyla thinks you can break him of saying fuck in a couple of hours?" Ronon asked.
"Fuck!" Torren added, raising a pea triumphantly into the air. Teyla sat at her table and rolled her eyes.
Ronon rubbed the baby’s belly with a grin. "That’s right, buddy."
"No, it’s not right," John insisted. "And we need to teach him that and we can’t do that with positive reinforcement when he says it."
Ronon didn’t seem to hear what John was saying seeing as he was busy eating a pea Torren offered then pretending to eat the boy’s hand which had Torren giggling wildly.
"Ronon…"
The Satedan looked up at John’s irritated tone. "What?" he demanded incredulously. "I’m not going to hit him when he says it."
Teyla sat up in alarm, only staying in her seat because John quickly agreed with Ronon.
"Of course we’re not going to hit him." John snapped his finger as an idea came to him. "But we can hit McKay."
Rodney froze in the motion of taking another bite of his sandwich and spoke around a mouthful of ham and cheese. "What?"
Ronon grinned wider. "I like this plan."
"Take it easy, Rodney. I’m not talking about beating you up or anything. You just say f… the word, I give you a little whack, you look sad and hurt, and Torren sees it’s not good to say that particular word, and Teyla doesn’t kick all our asses."
"Asssssss." Torren’s little face screwed up as he tried the new word.
"Good one," Ronon praised with another belly rub and bounce on his knee.
Teyla, meanwhile, rubbed at her temples.
Back at the table, John scrubbed at his face as Rodney used the last of his sandwich to point at Torren. "Actually, he really is a very quick study. We should have him tested."
"We’ll fill out his application for MENSA later, Rodney. Right now I need you to say the bad word so we can nip this cursing in the bud."
Wiping at his mouth, Rodney straightened and cleared his throat before declaring, "Fuck!"
"Fuck!" Torren echoed with the same inflection as Rodney.
All three men beamed happily at the boy. Teyla buried her face in her hands.
"It really is pretty damn cute," John admitted before shaking his head to clear away the smile. "Okay, enough fooling around; this time we’re doing it for real."
Rodney proclaimed, "Fuck!" once more.
"Fuck!" Torren mimicked again, only this time there was no laughter. This time John punched Rodney’s shoulder.
Rodney grabbed his arm. "Jesus, Sheppard, what the fuck?" That just earned him another punch. "Cut it the hell out!"
"We don’t say that word, Rodney." John explained in exaggerated seriousness. Torren looked between the three men with an expression hovering between confusion and worry to see them so severe. "It’s a bad, bad word."
Seeing the disapproval on John’s face, Torren’s lower lip quivered before he began crying in despair.
Rodney continued to rub his shoulder even as he pointed at the distraught boy. "Oh, now, see what you did."
The stern look melted and John seemed as if he was going to start crying soon himself. "Awww, buddy, I’m sorry."
"Come here, little guy." Ronon turned the blubbering child around to place Torren on his shoulder and pat the baby’s back. "It’s okay."
"Way to go, Sheppard," Rodney accused. "You’ve upset Torren and given me a bruise."
John looked absolutely devastated to be responsible for Torren crying. "I didn’t mean to."
"Then you shouldn’t have punched me so hard."
"I was talking about the baby, McKay."
Rodney sat back in a funk. "You suck, Sheppard."
Torren raised his head from Ronon’s shoulder and rubbed at red eyes. "Suckin fuckin," he grumped irritably.
The three men stared at each other, unsure exactly how to respond to the fact that Torren had just made his first attempt at a sentence, but had chose those particular words to do it.
"Huh," Rodney observed academically.
John frowned at the scientist hard. "This is all your fault."
"How is it my fault?" Rodney demanded. "I mean, sure, I’ve used both of those words on more than one occasion, but never in that particular combination."
"Ahhh," Ronon noted with an impressed grin. "The student has surpassed the master."
Teyla, however, was not impressed. Not in the least. Standing abruptly, she strode across the cafeteria and to the table.
"Oh, hey, Teyla…" John gave her a nervous smile. "We were just teaching Torren not to say certain…"
Teyla took the baby from Ronon and glared daggers at the men on her team. "I am more than aware of what you have been teaching him, including his two new words."
"Yeah, about that…" John started, only to be cut off by Torren.
"Wooooosey," he announced as the expedition leader entered the room. The name had been one of Torren’s very first words, a fact that had the three men who cared for the child regularly grumbling about the injustices in the cosmos that none of them were so honored.
Hearing his name had Woolsey joining them with a smile for Torren. "And how is the youngest member of our expedition doing today?"
"Very trying," Teyla answered for her son. "And ready for his nap. In fact, we should be going now."
"Oh, so soon? I haven’t had a chance to visit with the young man for a while now." Woolsey tickled under Torren’s chin.
Torren gurgled at the attention before proclaiming, "Wooooosey assssssss."
Woolsey blinked in surprise behind his glasses. "Yes… well… it appears his vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds."
Teyla wanted to do nothing more than disappear into the floor. That or take her fighting sticks and repeatedly whack her three teammates about the head as they sat trying to stifle their giggles.
She gave Woolsey an embarrassed smile. "As I said, it is time for his nap."
Woolsey did his best to bow out of the awkward situation graciously. "Of course. I’ll see him later when he is well rested, then. In the meantime, I think I’ll eat my lunch."
When Woolsey was out of earshot, the men finally began laughing out loud.
"This is not funny!" Teyla told them in a threatening hiss yet again.
"Well, you have to admit, he was spot on when it came to Woolsey."
Rodney’s observation was answered with another enthusiastic, "Wooooosey," which Teyla tried to shush before Torren could add even more.
Rodney shook his head to see Teyla so distressed. "Look, the fact of the matter is that, yes, we may have taught him a few crude words. But every kid learns them eventually. Torren has just picked them up a decade or so earlier than most, which you should take as a positive sign regarding his intelligence."
Teyla was not impressed. "So I should not be upset that my young child sounds like a drunken marine?"
John leaned forward as if revealing a secret. "In defense of my men, the physic’s department is nothing but a big bunch of potty mouths even when they aren’t drunk."
Both Teyla and Rodney were glaring at John now.
"All I’m saying," Rodney continued, "is that Torren obviously has an ear for language and we should encourage it instead of trying to suppress it. Think of his time with us as… supplemental education."
"Supplemental education?" Teyla could not believe what she was hearing; even though Rodney appeared quite please with himself for coming up with the term. "You actually believe that there is an academic benefit to my one-year-old son learning these words?"
"If it makes you feel better," John confided, "I was younger than Torren when I learned to say shit… from my great-grandmother of all people. You can imagine how well that went over at my father’s stockholder family picnic."
"Oddly, no, that does not make me feel any better," Teyla snapped.
"Actually, that story does explain a great deal about you, Sheppard," Rodney noted.
Now it was Ronon’s turn to try. "Well, at least here, Torren fits in with all the marines and physics staff running around cursing every other word."
Once again, Teyla was not impressed with her teammate’s logic. She was even less impressed with the fact they were responsible for this whole mess. It was enough to have her considering swearing off the date nights with their ground quaking sex forever.
"The three of you will pay dearly for this," she warned as she turned on her heels and headed for the hallway.
Her anger allowed her to ignore John calling her name to get her to stop, but Rodney’s next statement had her groaning even as she started for home.
"Thank God she only heard the new words he learned here in the mess hall."
"Sombitch!" Torren volunteered with a clap of chubby hands as soon as they exited the cafeteria.
No one had told her motherhood would be like this, but a son of a bitch seemed to sum it up pretty well right about now. Three sons of bitches to be precise.
All Teyla could do was sigh in exasperation. "You know, little one, I could not have said it better myself."
The End