With... by liketheriver (comfort challenge)
Title: With...
Category: John/Rodney
Word Count: ~2,100
Rating: T
Characters: John and Rodney
Spoilers: Oh, The Shrine in big way.
A/N: Thanks as always to Koschka for the beta and the inspiration for certain galaxies far, far away.
Summary: With… that’s a word I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. It’s such a simple word, short, common, and easily overlooked, until you start realizing how dependent you’ve become on the concept.
With…
by liketheriver
The irony of the past three weeks is that, during the time the parasite had taken up residence in my brain, all I wanted to do was remember. And now that it’s out, all I want to do is forget. Not that most of it is more than a shadowy haze anyway, like a dream fading upon waking, but some things… some things I can’t forget. And as horrifically embarrassing and debilitating as my illness was, there are actually some things I don’t want to forget. It’s funny what does stick with me- the odd combination of gruffness and worry in Ronon’s voice, Teyla’s smile whenever she spoke to me, Jennifer’s determination, and Sheppard… hell, he was there, there with me, whenever, wherever, he was just there.
And that’s why I’m here.
It’s a little different this time than the last time I remember being outside John’s door. For one thing, I’m ringing the bell instead of banging like a mad man. For another, this time I’ve brought the beer.
“Hey,” I tell him, feeling a bit awkward now that I’m actually standing here. “You were right; ends up I do drink a lot of beer.”
Sheppard smirks, arms crossed casually across the panda skull and crossbones on his chest. “I remember.”
“So do I.” My own grin is smug as I heft the six pack. “That offer to just hang out still stand even though I’m smarter than you again?”
His eyebrows rise, but the corners of his mouth never drop. “I didn’t realize it was ever the case that you were actually smarter than me.”
“You passed the MENSA test,” I snort with a roll of my eyes. “No offense, but that hardly means you’re exactly in the same league with my intellect.”
“Do you want to compare scores?”
When Sheppard tilts his head confidently, I get a little worried. “No, not really.”
His grin just widens at my mumbled response and he slaps my shoulder. “Let me grab my flannel.”
* * * *
When we reach the docks, the second moon hasn’t even risen yet, and the first has waned to a crescent over the two weeks since the last time we were here. There’s a light breeze, but the leather jacket I’m wearing is warm enough to hold off any chill. John cracks open the pop top of the beer before asking, “How’s your head?”
The headaches haven’t stopped all together, but at least they’re diminishing back down to the normal stress-induced level that usually has my skull throbbing around here. “It has a hole in it. How do you think it is?”
“Parasite free,” he offers and I can only bobble my recently-drilled skull in acknowledgment.
“It definitely limits my ability to sarcastically claim I need something like a hole in my head, because, evidently, that’s exactly what I did need.”
John snorts softly. “At least none of your genius leaked out did it?”
“No, thank God. Atlantis can rest assured that Dr. Rodney McKay is back to make sure she doesn’t sink below the waves any time soon. Jeannie even administered the last battery of test herself before she left this afternoon.”
“So she got off okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” I take a sip from my own can. “She wanted me to thank you again for everything you did during the whole…” I flutter my fingers around the bandage on my forehead.
“I already told her she didn’t have to thank me.”
“I know,” I assure him. “She’s just grateful. I mean, after all, you saved my life.”
With a shake of his head, Sheppard takes another drink. “She shouldn’t think I’m the one who saved your life. Keller gets the credit for that.”
“Jeannie’s not the one who thinks that,” I confess, looking away in embarrassment when John’s eyes meet mine in surprise. “At least, if she does think that, then she’s not alone.”
I risk looking up to see Sheppard staring at me with a curious expression before he reaches out and taps a finger on my forearm. “Is that my jacket you’re wearing?”
The fact is, it is his jacket. I never returned it after he leant it to me the last time I came out here to drink beer with John. With… that’s a word I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. It’s such a simple word, short, common, and easily overlooked, until you start realizing how dependent you’ve become on the concept. I came out here to have a beer with Sheppard. John was with me whenever I got scared. He was with me when I was convinced I wasn’t going to live, refusing to let me say goodbye. He was with me in the cave, arm wrapped tight around my shoulder, when the pain spiked and I wished that damn worm would kill me already. He was with me when I woke briefly in the cave, smiling down and telling me, “Hey, buddy, it worked. You’re going to be okay.”
But since we’ve been back from the shrine and I’ve been without the parasite, I’ve been without John, too. Sure, he stopped by the infirmary a couple times a day to check in and play his PSP and it was just like old times. The thing is, I don’t want to go back to old times, and if I remember things correctly, I really don’t think John does either.
“Yes,” I admit, pulling the coat in question a little tighter around me. “I guess I forgot to give it back to you.” Or maybe I kept it because it still smells like John and I miss the solace that came with his proximity, the reassurance held in each touch that seemed so unlike Sheppard and yet felt so natural. I lost my mind and he lost his inhibitions and I honestly think we both got more comfort out of those simple moments of physical contact than anything else. We both came to need it… as much as I needed a hole in my head, apparently. But since the organism took advantage of that escape route and vacated my skull and I’m back to my old self, the ease of those touches has vanished. So, I get a tap to my arm, a slap to my back, a punch to my shoulder as if Sheppard wants the contact as much as I do but is scared to do more than he has.
John studies me as he considers what I’ve told him about the coat. Finally he shrugs and takes another drink before leaning back to lay staring up at the stars. “Just drop it back by my place in a couple of days if you remember.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem now,” I confirm with a tap to my forehead. I lay back beside him, so close our shoulders are brushing, and he doesn’t move away… and neither do I. “It’s nice and clear out tonight. Vernon in stellar mapping should be happy.”
“Nothing like a happy astronomer,” Sheppard agrees before using his beer can to point up into the night sky. “Hey, Rodney, have you figured out which one is the galaxy far, far away?”
I roll my head to meet hazel eyes before rolling my own. “Sheppard, if you think I don’t have anything better to do with my time than find imaginary galaxies under Imperial command, then you’re the one who needs to be checked for a brain eating organism.”
He gives a half laugh that holds a tinge of melancholy that has me demanding, “What?”
“Nothing,” he dismisses with a shake of his head. “It’s just kind of weird hearing you call me Sheppard again. I mean, weird but good because that means you’re better now and things are all back to normal. You know?”
“Yeah.” I force a grin. “Back to normal.”
We fall silent for several minutes, drinking our beers and star gazing before I eventually point to a faint smudge of blue in the sky. “See that one, directly east of the moon and right below that really bright star? Given its planetary and solar configuration, that could easily be the Dagobah System.”
John snickers and looks over at me again. “I thought you didn’t have time to think about finding Han and Luke’s home address.”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with noting the similarities while going over Dr. Vernon’s latest analysis,” I defend.
“Uh huh.” His eyes narrow in humored suspicion. “And did you happen to note a solar system where the Enterprise might have left Ricardo Montalban?”
I think of arguing that I have no clue what he’s talking about but finally sigh and point to another star cluster directly above us. “Not one smartass word out of you, either,” I threaten when he grins again.
“Hey, I just wish you could have remembered this stuff the last time we were out here.”
“I could barely remember your name,” I confess with a snort.
“Yeah, I remember that.” His tone wavers between humor and hurt.
“I remember something else from that night,” I inform him quietly. “I remember falling asleep.”
I’d reached the point of exhaustion and John had offered once more to take me back to my room. Even though I’d definitely calmed down from when I’d woke John in a panic, the thought of being alone was still more than I wanted to deal with right then. So, when John had simply patted his leg and hitched his head without a word, I’d never thought twice about taking him up on the offer. And when his hand on my shoulder moved to run through my hair as I drifted off, I’d never questioned that it was exactly what he should have been doing.
I remember a few other things from the past three weeks, too. I remember a confession I made to Jennifer, and, yeah, maybe I’d had a little bit of a crush on her for a while. I mean, she is smart and pretty, not to mention available and possibly interested in me, two things I never thought was a real potential with Sheppard… until that night on the pier. At the time, I couldn’t have said why I chose John to run to that night, why I chose him over Jennifer or Teyla or Ronon. All I knew was that I was scared shitless and there was one person who I knew would keep me safe. Apparently, I never lost that belief in John during my entire illness, I just instinctually knew I’d be safe with him. And that had to mean something.
Something good.
There’s a moment of alarm that passes over Sheppard’s face as he tries to explain, “I was just… I mean, you were… I thought you were going to…”
I cut him off before he can babble any more, and before I have time to lose my nerve. “It was worth remembering, John.” I move my hand enough to run my thumb along the back of his hand and can feel the tremor pass through him at my touch.
His expression softens at my use of his first name but there is still a wary uncertainty. “You really think so?”
The truth is, every minute I’ve spent with John Sheppard was worth remembering, it had just taken nearly forgetting all those minutes for me to realize how dependent I’d come on having them.
“Yeah, I do,” I tell him sincerely.
The way John’s hand flexes to twist his fingers with mine is all I need to know he feels the same way.
So, I squeeze, tightening the tangled knot of our fingers and continue. “I think it might be worthwhile to even make a few more memories along that line, too.”
John rolls on his side so that he can smile down on me and ask, “You mean like this?” before he drops his mouth to mine.
I respond by cupping the back of his head to keep him from pulling away too soon. Every damn minute I spend with John is worth remembering, especially when he pushes his leather jacket off my shoulders before moving on to the rest of our clothes. I also learn there’s one more thing that I need even more than that hole in my head; the sound of John calling my name breathlessly in my ear as we redefine the meaning of being with each other once and for all.
The End
Category: John/Rodney
Word Count: ~2,100
Rating: T
Characters: John and Rodney
Spoilers: Oh, The Shrine in big way.
A/N: Thanks as always to Koschka for the beta and the inspiration for certain galaxies far, far away.
Summary: With… that’s a word I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. It’s such a simple word, short, common, and easily overlooked, until you start realizing how dependent you’ve become on the concept.
With…
by liketheriver
The irony of the past three weeks is that, during the time the parasite had taken up residence in my brain, all I wanted to do was remember. And now that it’s out, all I want to do is forget. Not that most of it is more than a shadowy haze anyway, like a dream fading upon waking, but some things… some things I can’t forget. And as horrifically embarrassing and debilitating as my illness was, there are actually some things I don’t want to forget. It’s funny what does stick with me- the odd combination of gruffness and worry in Ronon’s voice, Teyla’s smile whenever she spoke to me, Jennifer’s determination, and Sheppard… hell, he was there, there with me, whenever, wherever, he was just there.
And that’s why I’m here.
It’s a little different this time than the last time I remember being outside John’s door. For one thing, I’m ringing the bell instead of banging like a mad man. For another, this time I’ve brought the beer.
“Hey,” I tell him, feeling a bit awkward now that I’m actually standing here. “You were right; ends up I do drink a lot of beer.”
Sheppard smirks, arms crossed casually across the panda skull and crossbones on his chest. “I remember.”
“So do I.” My own grin is smug as I heft the six pack. “That offer to just hang out still stand even though I’m smarter than you again?”
His eyebrows rise, but the corners of his mouth never drop. “I didn’t realize it was ever the case that you were actually smarter than me.”
“You passed the MENSA test,” I snort with a roll of my eyes. “No offense, but that hardly means you’re exactly in the same league with my intellect.”
“Do you want to compare scores?”
When Sheppard tilts his head confidently, I get a little worried. “No, not really.”
His grin just widens at my mumbled response and he slaps my shoulder. “Let me grab my flannel.”
* * * *
When we reach the docks, the second moon hasn’t even risen yet, and the first has waned to a crescent over the two weeks since the last time we were here. There’s a light breeze, but the leather jacket I’m wearing is warm enough to hold off any chill. John cracks open the pop top of the beer before asking, “How’s your head?”
The headaches haven’t stopped all together, but at least they’re diminishing back down to the normal stress-induced level that usually has my skull throbbing around here. “It has a hole in it. How do you think it is?”
“Parasite free,” he offers and I can only bobble my recently-drilled skull in acknowledgment.
“It definitely limits my ability to sarcastically claim I need something like a hole in my head, because, evidently, that’s exactly what I did need.”
John snorts softly. “At least none of your genius leaked out did it?”
“No, thank God. Atlantis can rest assured that Dr. Rodney McKay is back to make sure she doesn’t sink below the waves any time soon. Jeannie even administered the last battery of test herself before she left this afternoon.”
“So she got off okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” I take a sip from my own can. “She wanted me to thank you again for everything you did during the whole…” I flutter my fingers around the bandage on my forehead.
“I already told her she didn’t have to thank me.”
“I know,” I assure him. “She’s just grateful. I mean, after all, you saved my life.”
With a shake of his head, Sheppard takes another drink. “She shouldn’t think I’m the one who saved your life. Keller gets the credit for that.”
“Jeannie’s not the one who thinks that,” I confess, looking away in embarrassment when John’s eyes meet mine in surprise. “At least, if she does think that, then she’s not alone.”
I risk looking up to see Sheppard staring at me with a curious expression before he reaches out and taps a finger on my forearm. “Is that my jacket you’re wearing?”
The fact is, it is his jacket. I never returned it after he leant it to me the last time I came out here to drink beer with John. With… that’s a word I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. It’s such a simple word, short, common, and easily overlooked, until you start realizing how dependent you’ve become on the concept. I came out here to have a beer with Sheppard. John was with me whenever I got scared. He was with me when I was convinced I wasn’t going to live, refusing to let me say goodbye. He was with me in the cave, arm wrapped tight around my shoulder, when the pain spiked and I wished that damn worm would kill me already. He was with me when I woke briefly in the cave, smiling down and telling me, “Hey, buddy, it worked. You’re going to be okay.”
But since we’ve been back from the shrine and I’ve been without the parasite, I’ve been without John, too. Sure, he stopped by the infirmary a couple times a day to check in and play his PSP and it was just like old times. The thing is, I don’t want to go back to old times, and if I remember things correctly, I really don’t think John does either.
“Yes,” I admit, pulling the coat in question a little tighter around me. “I guess I forgot to give it back to you.” Or maybe I kept it because it still smells like John and I miss the solace that came with his proximity, the reassurance held in each touch that seemed so unlike Sheppard and yet felt so natural. I lost my mind and he lost his inhibitions and I honestly think we both got more comfort out of those simple moments of physical contact than anything else. We both came to need it… as much as I needed a hole in my head, apparently. But since the organism took advantage of that escape route and vacated my skull and I’m back to my old self, the ease of those touches has vanished. So, I get a tap to my arm, a slap to my back, a punch to my shoulder as if Sheppard wants the contact as much as I do but is scared to do more than he has.
John studies me as he considers what I’ve told him about the coat. Finally he shrugs and takes another drink before leaning back to lay staring up at the stars. “Just drop it back by my place in a couple of days if you remember.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem now,” I confirm with a tap to my forehead. I lay back beside him, so close our shoulders are brushing, and he doesn’t move away… and neither do I. “It’s nice and clear out tonight. Vernon in stellar mapping should be happy.”
“Nothing like a happy astronomer,” Sheppard agrees before using his beer can to point up into the night sky. “Hey, Rodney, have you figured out which one is the galaxy far, far away?”
I roll my head to meet hazel eyes before rolling my own. “Sheppard, if you think I don’t have anything better to do with my time than find imaginary galaxies under Imperial command, then you’re the one who needs to be checked for a brain eating organism.”
He gives a half laugh that holds a tinge of melancholy that has me demanding, “What?”
“Nothing,” he dismisses with a shake of his head. “It’s just kind of weird hearing you call me Sheppard again. I mean, weird but good because that means you’re better now and things are all back to normal. You know?”
“Yeah.” I force a grin. “Back to normal.”
We fall silent for several minutes, drinking our beers and star gazing before I eventually point to a faint smudge of blue in the sky. “See that one, directly east of the moon and right below that really bright star? Given its planetary and solar configuration, that could easily be the Dagobah System.”
John snickers and looks over at me again. “I thought you didn’t have time to think about finding Han and Luke’s home address.”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with noting the similarities while going over Dr. Vernon’s latest analysis,” I defend.
“Uh huh.” His eyes narrow in humored suspicion. “And did you happen to note a solar system where the Enterprise might have left Ricardo Montalban?”
I think of arguing that I have no clue what he’s talking about but finally sigh and point to another star cluster directly above us. “Not one smartass word out of you, either,” I threaten when he grins again.
“Hey, I just wish you could have remembered this stuff the last time we were out here.”
“I could barely remember your name,” I confess with a snort.
“Yeah, I remember that.” His tone wavers between humor and hurt.
“I remember something else from that night,” I inform him quietly. “I remember falling asleep.”
I’d reached the point of exhaustion and John had offered once more to take me back to my room. Even though I’d definitely calmed down from when I’d woke John in a panic, the thought of being alone was still more than I wanted to deal with right then. So, when John had simply patted his leg and hitched his head without a word, I’d never thought twice about taking him up on the offer. And when his hand on my shoulder moved to run through my hair as I drifted off, I’d never questioned that it was exactly what he should have been doing.
I remember a few other things from the past three weeks, too. I remember a confession I made to Jennifer, and, yeah, maybe I’d had a little bit of a crush on her for a while. I mean, she is smart and pretty, not to mention available and possibly interested in me, two things I never thought was a real potential with Sheppard… until that night on the pier. At the time, I couldn’t have said why I chose John to run to that night, why I chose him over Jennifer or Teyla or Ronon. All I knew was that I was scared shitless and there was one person who I knew would keep me safe. Apparently, I never lost that belief in John during my entire illness, I just instinctually knew I’d be safe with him. And that had to mean something.
Something good.
There’s a moment of alarm that passes over Sheppard’s face as he tries to explain, “I was just… I mean, you were… I thought you were going to…”
I cut him off before he can babble any more, and before I have time to lose my nerve. “It was worth remembering, John.” I move my hand enough to run my thumb along the back of his hand and can feel the tremor pass through him at my touch.
His expression softens at my use of his first name but there is still a wary uncertainty. “You really think so?”
The truth is, every minute I’ve spent with John Sheppard was worth remembering, it had just taken nearly forgetting all those minutes for me to realize how dependent I’d come on having them.
“Yeah, I do,” I tell him sincerely.
The way John’s hand flexes to twist his fingers with mine is all I need to know he feels the same way.
So, I squeeze, tightening the tangled knot of our fingers and continue. “I think it might be worthwhile to even make a few more memories along that line, too.”
John rolls on his side so that he can smile down on me and ask, “You mean like this?” before he drops his mouth to mine.
I respond by cupping the back of his head to keep him from pulling away too soon. Every damn minute I spend with John is worth remembering, especially when he pushes his leather jacket off my shoulders before moving on to the rest of our clothes. I also learn there’s one more thing that I need even more than that hole in my head; the sound of John calling my name breathlessly in my ear as we redefine the meaning of being with each other once and for all.
The End