A Sticky Situation by Springwoof (Stuck on You challenge)
A Sticky Situation by Springwoof (Stuck on You challenge)
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard (implied)
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1800
Spoilers: Sometime in Season 4
Betae: As always, my profound thanks to beloved Leah for the lightningBeta!
Grateful thanks to jimandblair, gryphonrhi, and tesserae_, who answered my pitiful pleas for help with the second draft.They policed the punctuation, grappled with the grammar, and terrified the typos into submission. And gave me some darned good advice about plot and character while they were at it. Any errors or inconsistencies you see in the following fic are due to me stubbornly not following their excellent advice.
Disclaimer: Transformative work. Not for profit, only for fame. Way not mine.
Notes: Just as on the show, the science in this story bears little to no resemblance to actual science. Just…pretend, okay?
The idea for this fic came from a line Keller said in Tabula Rasa. You'll know it when you see it.
Summary: "Major Lorne coming in with a paintbrush stuck to the end of his tongue had been pretty funny. On the other hand, Dr. Delatorre arriving with a sex toy stuck on his tongue had filled Jennifer's vicarious embarrassment quota for the week. She really didn't want to know what Colonel Sheppard was stuck to."
~~~
Jennifer Keller had seen a hell of a lot during her tenure as a medical professional. When she'd been made CMO of Atlantis Base, she'd officially decided she'd seen it all. Nothing could possibly be more weird and surprising than soul-sucking space vampires.
Jennifer sighed, thinking over the events of last night. Why did she bother trying to fool herself? Of course things could get weirder. This was Atlantis, after all. She shook her head as she answered the page on her comm.
"Keller here."
Dr. Zelenka staggered in wearing slippers and a red-plaid robe, glasses askew, with his hair standing on end, and a pillowcase partially wrapped around his head. Jennifer waved him on to Treatment Room One and took a fortifying sip of her fifth cup of coffee since 5am.
"Dr. Keller, this is John Sheppard. I was wondering if I could talk you into making a little house--"
Nurse Miller led a surprisingly docile gaggle of Marines to Treatment Four. All of them were dressed in sweats, and they clutched a large rope, following each other in line like a chain-gang, the cut-off end of the rope dragging behind them.
"Colonel, I'm sorry. If it's not a medical emergency, I'll have to ask you to come down to the infirmary. And frankly, if it can wait at all, I'd suggest you do so. It's a madhouse down here. Wait a minute--- It's not a medical emergency, is it?"
Sheppard's voice could barely be distinguished over some loud rustling sounds coming from the comm. "Um. No, I guess not. Shhh! --not you, Dr. Keller. So, uh, what's going on?"
A set of orderlies pushed a large plastic shipping crate on a dolly across the room. Two pairs of hairy legs were sticking out of the top of the crate. Dr. Chowdhury peered into the crate, tablet computer on her arm. "Are you in any pain?"
Jennifer purposefully looked away and cleared her throat. "Well, the joint's been jumping, let me tell you! We've been getting patients coming in since late last night. I think we've seen almost a third of our entire population by now, and I expect more folks to show up once it comes time for them to go on duty. Luckily, most of the cases have been minor, but we have a couple of surgeries scheduled." Jennifer scanned the list of on-duty infirmary personnel. They were short-handed on top of everything else.
"Surgeries? What the hell is going on? Are any of my men--" Something crashed over on Sheppard's end of the call.
"Don't worry, Colonel. It's all under control. Seeing as you got back from offworld so late last night, Colonel Carter said to let you sleep in. I've already informed the Officer of the Day to have any of your men who may have been affected to report to the infirmary." Okay, yeah, according to the duty list, Martinez and Petrova hadn't checked in yet this morning. She IMed the duty nurse and asked to have them paged.
"You never answered my question. What's going on?"
Jennifer quirked a smile. "It's kind of funny, really. One of those 'only on Atlantis' things. I mean, we've all eaten the taffir root stew dozens of times with no ill effects. And those berries from PX8-049 were thoroughly analyzed and completely safe, and you've gotta admit they made great pies."
"Yeah. They do. I had three slices when they had them in the mess last week."
"Oh! Oh, well, you see, apparently a certain chemical compound in the berries and another one from the taffir root and then a third trace element we absorb through our skins from the clothing and linens we've put through the Ancient laundry machines all combine synergistically so that--"
"What. Is. Going. ON?!"
Jennifer sighed. "I was getting to that, really. Okay, long story short, after a latency period, affected individuals undergo a temporary biochemical change. And to a certain extent it seems to be specific--"
"WHAT CHANGE?!" Jennifer winced at Sheppard's shout. She could hear a thumping sound, and a muffled-sounding murmur, as if somebody was trying to talk through heavy cotton batting.
"Calm down, please, Colonel. I said it's temporary. Our projections predict that this should run its course in twenty-four hours or so. Besides, nobody's transforming into bu-- any kind of alien lifeforms or anything." Corpsman Utrillo waved his computer tablet and stylus under her nose and she grabbed them from him. "It's kind of interesting, actually. Apparently, certain bodily fluids are getting significantly more agglutinatious than they would normally be--but only on exiting the body. We think it has to do with cooling below body temperature." Jennifer signed off on three forms and made a note for more information to be filled out on the fourth before handing the tablet back to Utrillo.
Sheppard swallowed audibly. "Okay, wait, bodily fluids?"
"Well, so far perspiration hasn't been affected, nor menses, and I've been able to draw blood with no problem, but we've had several drooling and spitting cases, and at least one pretty strange urination incident. The maintenance crew is monitoring the effect on our plumbing. Oh, and we're having some embarrassing sex cases."
"You're gonna have to explain that one to me." There were still some muffled sounds in the background of the Colonel's transmission.
"Well, to be crass, you know how if you don't shower or clean up after sex with your partner, it's kind of sticky and uncomfortable the next morning? Well, with this situation, think 'industrial adhesive' sticky. The condition, um, affects semen...quite bit." Jennifer had a sudden horrible suspicion. "Uh…Colonel?"
"Yes?" Colonel Sheppard sounded a little strangled.
"You said you ate the pie last week. Did you have the stew as well?"
"Oh yeah. Great stuff. They made a lot of it last week. I ate some almost every day."
"Oh. Oh, my. Um…." Unaccountably, Jennifer felt herself blushing. She tried very hard not to call up any mental images.
There was a deep sigh on the other comm. "Just. Just tell me I don't have to figure out how to get to the infirmary like this."
"Uh. I could… I could send an emergency response team to your quarters. We've been able to whip up a solvent that neutralizes everything and they'll have you…ah…unstuck in a jiffy." Jennifer chewed on a thumbnail. Major Lorne coming in with a paintbrush stuck to the end of his tongue had been pretty funny. On the other hand, Dr. Delatorre arriving with a sex toy stuck on his tongue had filled Jennifer's vicarious embarrassment quota for the week. She really didn't want to know what Colonel Sheppard was stuck to. Or what was stuck to him.
"NO!" Sheppard sounded a little panicked. "No, I mean…. I'm not in any danger after all. Just uncomfortable and feeling kind of…weird…. Listen, is Teyla there? Is there any way you could send some of that solvent over with her?"
"Ah, no, Teyla's not here. She wouldn't have been affected. She didn't eat any of the stew, since she said the smell of the taffir made her nauseated. Do you want me to have her paged? Oh! Hang on a minute, Colonel." Jennifer tapped her comm to 'hold,' stood, and waved down Nurse Li, who was just exiting one of the treatment rooms, Ronon Dex trailing in her wake.
"How is he doing, Amy?"
Amy Li arched a rueful eyebrow, craning her head up and back to look up at Ronon. "He'll be fine if he just comes here next time something gets stuck on him, instead of trying to rip it off, and his skin with it."
"I was mostly asleep," Ronon said, his expression sheepish around the bandages on his cheek. "I'm fine."
"Well, you'll be less fine as soon as the anesthetic wears off," Li advised him.
"Did you give him the antibiotic cream?" Jennifer asked.
"Yeah, I got it. AND the painkillers," Ronon interrupted Li just before she answered, rattling the bottle with the painkillers.
"Well use them for once," Li advised him. "Listen, Dr. Keller, do you need me here? I've got more patients waiting."
"No, that's fine, Amy. I need to ask Ronon a favor."
"Sure. What is it?" Ronon followed her back to her desk.
Jennifer scooped up one of the bottles of the solvent the chemists had formulated in the early hours of the morning. "Can you stop by Colonel Sheppard's quarters with this? It seems he has a...sticky situation."
Ronon grinned with the side of his mouth that wasn't covered by a bandage and relieved her of the solvent. "Sure thing, Doc. I'm on my way." He waved a jaunty salute at her and strolled out of the infirmary.
Jennifer tapped her comm again. "Colonel?"
"Yeah? Still here. I'm kinda not going anywhere, Doc." Again, a vague thumping noise sounded underneath his words.
Jennifer snorted. "I've sent Ronon to your room with some of the solvent. I hope that's acceptable?"
"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Doc."
"You're welcome. And, Colonel? Please come down to the infirmary right away if you're suffering any complications."
"You've got it, Doc. Sheppard out."
Jennifer shook her head and smiled to herself as she clicked off her comm. Sometimes, she just didn't want to know.
"Dr. Keller!" Jennifer looked up at Nurse Li's call. "Can you come into Treatment Room Three? I think you'll want to see this one."
Jennifer made her way down the hall. "It's McKay, isn't it? I know he likes taffir root stew and I'll bet a month's wages he stuffed his face with some of that pie last week."
Amy Li shook her head. "No, three of the Marines managed to get stuck together. But you're right. You'd think McKay would have been one of the first ones in here this morning, wouldn't you?"
"Huh." Jennifer frowned. "I wonder what happened to our favorite patient?"
###
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard (implied)
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1800
Spoilers: Sometime in Season 4
Betae: As always, my profound thanks to beloved Leah for the lightningBeta!
Grateful thanks to jimandblair, gryphonrhi, and tesserae_, who answered my pitiful pleas for help with the second draft.They policed the punctuation, grappled with the grammar, and terrified the typos into submission. And gave me some darned good advice about plot and character while they were at it. Any errors or inconsistencies you see in the following fic are due to me stubbornly not following their excellent advice.
Disclaimer: Transformative work. Not for profit, only for fame. Way not mine.
Notes: Just as on the show, the science in this story bears little to no resemblance to actual science. Just…pretend, okay?
The idea for this fic came from a line Keller said in Tabula Rasa. You'll know it when you see it.
Summary: "Major Lorne coming in with a paintbrush stuck to the end of his tongue had been pretty funny. On the other hand, Dr. Delatorre arriving with a sex toy stuck on his tongue had filled Jennifer's vicarious embarrassment quota for the week. She really didn't want to know what Colonel Sheppard was stuck to."
~~~
Jennifer Keller had seen a hell of a lot during her tenure as a medical professional. When she'd been made CMO of Atlantis Base, she'd officially decided she'd seen it all. Nothing could possibly be more weird and surprising than soul-sucking space vampires.
Jennifer sighed, thinking over the events of last night. Why did she bother trying to fool herself? Of course things could get weirder. This was Atlantis, after all. She shook her head as she answered the page on her comm.
"Keller here."
Dr. Zelenka staggered in wearing slippers and a red-plaid robe, glasses askew, with his hair standing on end, and a pillowcase partially wrapped around his head. Jennifer waved him on to Treatment Room One and took a fortifying sip of her fifth cup of coffee since 5am.
"Dr. Keller, this is John Sheppard. I was wondering if I could talk you into making a little house--"
Nurse Miller led a surprisingly docile gaggle of Marines to Treatment Four. All of them were dressed in sweats, and they clutched a large rope, following each other in line like a chain-gang, the cut-off end of the rope dragging behind them.
"Colonel, I'm sorry. If it's not a medical emergency, I'll have to ask you to come down to the infirmary. And frankly, if it can wait at all, I'd suggest you do so. It's a madhouse down here. Wait a minute--- It's not a medical emergency, is it?"
Sheppard's voice could barely be distinguished over some loud rustling sounds coming from the comm. "Um. No, I guess not. Shhh! --not you, Dr. Keller. So, uh, what's going on?"
A set of orderlies pushed a large plastic shipping crate on a dolly across the room. Two pairs of hairy legs were sticking out of the top of the crate. Dr. Chowdhury peered into the crate, tablet computer on her arm. "Are you in any pain?"
Jennifer purposefully looked away and cleared her throat. "Well, the joint's been jumping, let me tell you! We've been getting patients coming in since late last night. I think we've seen almost a third of our entire population by now, and I expect more folks to show up once it comes time for them to go on duty. Luckily, most of the cases have been minor, but we have a couple of surgeries scheduled." Jennifer scanned the list of on-duty infirmary personnel. They were short-handed on top of everything else.
"Surgeries? What the hell is going on? Are any of my men--" Something crashed over on Sheppard's end of the call.
"Don't worry, Colonel. It's all under control. Seeing as you got back from offworld so late last night, Colonel Carter said to let you sleep in. I've already informed the Officer of the Day to have any of your men who may have been affected to report to the infirmary." Okay, yeah, according to the duty list, Martinez and Petrova hadn't checked in yet this morning. She IMed the duty nurse and asked to have them paged.
"You never answered my question. What's going on?"
Jennifer quirked a smile. "It's kind of funny, really. One of those 'only on Atlantis' things. I mean, we've all eaten the taffir root stew dozens of times with no ill effects. And those berries from PX8-049 were thoroughly analyzed and completely safe, and you've gotta admit they made great pies."
"Yeah. They do. I had three slices when they had them in the mess last week."
"Oh! Oh, well, you see, apparently a certain chemical compound in the berries and another one from the taffir root and then a third trace element we absorb through our skins from the clothing and linens we've put through the Ancient laundry machines all combine synergistically so that--"
"What. Is. Going. ON?!"
Jennifer sighed. "I was getting to that, really. Okay, long story short, after a latency period, affected individuals undergo a temporary biochemical change. And to a certain extent it seems to be specific--"
"WHAT CHANGE?!" Jennifer winced at Sheppard's shout. She could hear a thumping sound, and a muffled-sounding murmur, as if somebody was trying to talk through heavy cotton batting.
"Calm down, please, Colonel. I said it's temporary. Our projections predict that this should run its course in twenty-four hours or so. Besides, nobody's transforming into bu-- any kind of alien lifeforms or anything." Corpsman Utrillo waved his computer tablet and stylus under her nose and she grabbed them from him. "It's kind of interesting, actually. Apparently, certain bodily fluids are getting significantly more agglutinatious than they would normally be--but only on exiting the body. We think it has to do with cooling below body temperature." Jennifer signed off on three forms and made a note for more information to be filled out on the fourth before handing the tablet back to Utrillo.
Sheppard swallowed audibly. "Okay, wait, bodily fluids?"
"Well, so far perspiration hasn't been affected, nor menses, and I've been able to draw blood with no problem, but we've had several drooling and spitting cases, and at least one pretty strange urination incident. The maintenance crew is monitoring the effect on our plumbing. Oh, and we're having some embarrassing sex cases."
"You're gonna have to explain that one to me." There were still some muffled sounds in the background of the Colonel's transmission.
"Well, to be crass, you know how if you don't shower or clean up after sex with your partner, it's kind of sticky and uncomfortable the next morning? Well, with this situation, think 'industrial adhesive' sticky. The condition, um, affects semen...quite bit." Jennifer had a sudden horrible suspicion. "Uh…Colonel?"
"Yes?" Colonel Sheppard sounded a little strangled.
"You said you ate the pie last week. Did you have the stew as well?"
"Oh yeah. Great stuff. They made a lot of it last week. I ate some almost every day."
"Oh. Oh, my. Um…." Unaccountably, Jennifer felt herself blushing. She tried very hard not to call up any mental images.
There was a deep sigh on the other comm. "Just. Just tell me I don't have to figure out how to get to the infirmary like this."
"Uh. I could… I could send an emergency response team to your quarters. We've been able to whip up a solvent that neutralizes everything and they'll have you…ah…unstuck in a jiffy." Jennifer chewed on a thumbnail. Major Lorne coming in with a paintbrush stuck to the end of his tongue had been pretty funny. On the other hand, Dr. Delatorre arriving with a sex toy stuck on his tongue had filled Jennifer's vicarious embarrassment quota for the week. She really didn't want to know what Colonel Sheppard was stuck to. Or what was stuck to him.
"NO!" Sheppard sounded a little panicked. "No, I mean…. I'm not in any danger after all. Just uncomfortable and feeling kind of…weird…. Listen, is Teyla there? Is there any way you could send some of that solvent over with her?"
"Ah, no, Teyla's not here. She wouldn't have been affected. She didn't eat any of the stew, since she said the smell of the taffir made her nauseated. Do you want me to have her paged? Oh! Hang on a minute, Colonel." Jennifer tapped her comm to 'hold,' stood, and waved down Nurse Li, who was just exiting one of the treatment rooms, Ronon Dex trailing in her wake.
"How is he doing, Amy?"
Amy Li arched a rueful eyebrow, craning her head up and back to look up at Ronon. "He'll be fine if he just comes here next time something gets stuck on him, instead of trying to rip it off, and his skin with it."
"I was mostly asleep," Ronon said, his expression sheepish around the bandages on his cheek. "I'm fine."
"Well, you'll be less fine as soon as the anesthetic wears off," Li advised him.
"Did you give him the antibiotic cream?" Jennifer asked.
"Yeah, I got it. AND the painkillers," Ronon interrupted Li just before she answered, rattling the bottle with the painkillers.
"Well use them for once," Li advised him. "Listen, Dr. Keller, do you need me here? I've got more patients waiting."
"No, that's fine, Amy. I need to ask Ronon a favor."
"Sure. What is it?" Ronon followed her back to her desk.
Jennifer scooped up one of the bottles of the solvent the chemists had formulated in the early hours of the morning. "Can you stop by Colonel Sheppard's quarters with this? It seems he has a...sticky situation."
Ronon grinned with the side of his mouth that wasn't covered by a bandage and relieved her of the solvent. "Sure thing, Doc. I'm on my way." He waved a jaunty salute at her and strolled out of the infirmary.
Jennifer tapped her comm again. "Colonel?"
"Yeah? Still here. I'm kinda not going anywhere, Doc." Again, a vague thumping noise sounded underneath his words.
Jennifer snorted. "I've sent Ronon to your room with some of the solvent. I hope that's acceptable?"
"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Doc."
"You're welcome. And, Colonel? Please come down to the infirmary right away if you're suffering any complications."
"You've got it, Doc. Sheppard out."
Jennifer shook her head and smiled to herself as she clicked off her comm. Sometimes, she just didn't want to know.
"Dr. Keller!" Jennifer looked up at Nurse Li's call. "Can you come into Treatment Room Three? I think you'll want to see this one."
Jennifer made her way down the hall. "It's McKay, isn't it? I know he likes taffir root stew and I'll bet a month's wages he stuffed his face with some of that pie last week."
Amy Li shook her head. "No, three of the Marines managed to get stuck together. But you're right. You'd think McKay would have been one of the first ones in here this morning, wouldn't you?"
"Huh." Jennifer frowned. "I wonder what happened to our favorite patient?"
###